how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

countdown to 2

"you really care how it's going with me?"

"sure. i make my face look like this and concerned words come out."

that's what it feels like sometimes.

i am way past one year. past 18 months. i am 11 days shy of it being 2 years since my Dragon died suddenly. 2 years. and where am i? some days are okay. i make things for people and i work at Build-A-Bear. so far *knock wood* i make my bills. my son and daughter bought me a car that i am getting the tags and plates and inspection done next Tuesday. i smile at people. i jump through all the hoops i am supposed to. i still cry everyday but not even my daughter knows i do that. i have iron control over it, much like i used to when i was a child and my mother disciplined me, or when i was older and Voldemort got mad. i could always control it and then let my guard down when i was alone. but what have i done? digressed? simply gotten back to an old habit? i do not cry at work. never. i have been close but i stop myself, and i manage to wait until i get back to the apartment and cry here.
but then i have bad days. really bad days. if they happen on a work day, i suppress and suppress and then go back to the apartment and sob. i miss him. i still do. very, very much.
i do not know where i am on the Seven Choices, or the 12 Steps, or the 5 Stages. no clue. i just know that i do what is expected of me. i do what is asked of me. i have stood up for myself a few times lately. i have said, "no, i cannot do that." but i feel so different. i feel like i am only half here. i look at the moon so much. i know what phase it is in, waning or waxing, the day it will be 100% and what the cloud cover is expected to be.
my moon collection is quite impressive now. devastatingly impressive. i dream of him quite a lot. i have had no feeling that he is near. i do not know if my mind is trying to hold me back or if i eat entirely too much chicken and not enough vegetables. am i a failure or am i just dragging my feet on the 'ole grief timeline because of all the financial pressures and failure to be anyone's friend. i am working on it but i hesitate to be too forward. i have been burned so many times.

i have no history here. i am only someone who grieves and is very poor. i can sew like nobody's business and it does attract people to me, but then i open my mouth and ..........

i have no idea what he saw in me. he loved to have conversations. he would prod my brain. we'd discuss. we'd debate. he was such an intellectual person to be so earthy and passionate. both sides of his brain worked in tandem. very smart man. street smart. mad skills. sexy. so handsome. kind. funny. the whole package.

i wonder if he knows how much i cry for him, mourn him, think of him, dream of him, pine for him? i am beginning to think that nothing will help ease the sorrow but time. talking is nice but my grief is the same. working is wonderful but i am still sad. taking charge of my life and getting out from under Voldemort has been freeing but i still miss my Dragon. i miss him to the point where i am not one of those widows who redefines her life after her husband's death as a big second chance. maybe i am too old. maybe i have gone through too much. i was world-weary when i met my Dragon. i thought, "ah, here is life giving me my turn at love and companionship. i guess it is true. sometimes life saves the best until last." and then he died, and i am bereft.

i do things to amuse myself. i have Bunny. i made her some gloves and embroidered her jeans as you can see in the first photo in this post above. i created the Traveling Bunny, Ambassador of Grief and Whimsy so that everyone can have a turn with her, talking to her, writing in her journal. it seemed like a good idea and a lot of people are excited about her coming.

but i am looking down the barrel of the 2nd anniversary and the Valentine's Day funeral anniversary. i work those days and that is fine. i can do it. Spartan control over my emotions while i am at work. but i know i will cry. i know what i get back to the apartment, the numbness will wear off and i will feel his absence.
i am trying to find that balance, take those steps, get through those phases, and make those choices that will show i am growing as a person. people will look at me and say, "ah, she is getting better. she is conquering her grief. she is {dare i type it?} 'making something positive' out of her husband's death."

i cannot focus on any of it for too long. all the steps or phases or choices, they all seem like great theories or suggestions but i cannot get my mind around any one of them. all i want to do is try and redefine the word "home." the apartment is where i live and have lived for almost 2 years yet i cannot feel like it is home. but it is, isn't it? my stuff is here, or some of it. i need to redefine the word "home" and feel it on an emotional level.

i need to get over not being able to save him. i tried and failed. it's cruel to the both of us but that's how it played out. he needed me and i failed. i didn't want him to go, and i failed. but i guess he is at peace now and doesn't give a rat's ass anymore. all i can ever hope now is that he knows how hard i tried. he knows i still love him and am honoring his memory by telling all the cool stuff about him and ignoring the tidbits like he balled his socks and tossed them on the floor, or that he......

seriously there was very little about him or anything that he did that annoyed me. he was freakin' perfect. not annoyingly perfect, but heavy sigh, rapid heartbeat, big smile perfect. he was mine.

i am still, even now, discovering things about him, aspects of the life that we shared, that make me miss his presence. i have irrevocably lost the only person who ever took the time to know me, and who, after he did, still found something about me to love. he would go to bed with his arm around me, our legs intertwined, and then wake up and still smile at me. he chose me. he chose to be with me every day. i didn't annoy him. he never asked anything of me but to love him and share his life.

and my God we did that. i love him and i shared his life. and now, i guess i am sharing his memory.

am i better now than i was a year ago? maybe, i guess, but no, i don't really think so. i think i am a little bit the same. i just control it better. i am more accustomed to missing him. where that puts me on a grief timeline somewhere, i have no idea. and i am not checking right now. right now i am on the countdown to 2 years. it was a rough Christmas and bad New Year's. my birthday sucked big time and i am already getting teary over the 2 year milestone. so i am focusing on keeping control of my public emotions. while i am at work, i give 110% so that i do my job well and keep my managers liking me.

but on the inside, i am still that shellshocked woman sitting by her dead husband feeling the room slowly grow cooler as she listens to the sound of Dragon's wings grows fainter and fainter.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Bunny changes passwords and email

i want him back right now! bring him back! i am scared! i have been changing passwords at the bank even because i got so scared. i called the bank and told them that my email account had been stolen and he was so nice. he talked me through changing my passwords and my email account info.

but, oh, Dragon, i get so upset by things and i really wish you were here. it is not that i do not know what to do or how to do it, it would just be better if you were here to do it with.
i am so upset by this. it is a stupid thing. so if you have a hotmail account, do not believe the email that claims it is from the Hotmail Team and claims you need to verify your account. it is a BIG FAT LIE.
so email me at abandonedsouls@hotmail.com. please, all the widows who are hosting Bunny, please email me there. i am just switching over to that and hoping and praying that the real Hotmail team can at least retrieve my folders of emails about Traveling Bunny, from my Dragon, and my poems. i had saved so much in folders. i am heartbroken about this.

Dragon! i want you!

womanNshadows has been robbed

my email account, womanNshadows@hotmail.com has been stolen from me. i got an email from the Hotmail Team that said they would close my account if i did not replay to the message that my account was active. it looked real. not i cannot log into my email account nor can i get on Bunny's Facebook page. i am so very upset. i am sobbing over this.

people from my email contacts list are being emailed saying i am in Madrid, Spain and need lots and lots of money. it is a SCAM. i am here waiting on a ride to work. please delete those emails. i am trying to get my account back. i have all the emails from my widow friends there. Bunny, the Ambassador, is in there. i am so very sorry. i am already getting emails to Facebook from angry people.

i am so sorry i got suckered in by this. i thought it was real. i did not want to lose womanNshadows. i have had her for years and years. i am heartbroken that i may lose that account if the real Hotmail people cannot ferret it out and give it back to me.

people are so mean.

please accept my sincerest apologies for this. i don't want to lose Bunny's Facebook page either. oh i am so scared and upset and crying. and i now i have to get ready for work.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Bunny has left the building & the "almost 2nd year blues"

my Bunny girl has been mailed to Canada. she is gone. i know she will have the time of her life, but i miss her already. i am so attached to these Bunnies. it is silliness, but there it is.

let me know when she arrives and departs, and arrives and departs, you get the picture.
bye Bunny Bun Bun. write me. save those postcards. email me those photos.
be careful. have fun, but be careful.
*sigh* i am really losing it.

"you think that the despair will stop you cold, but it doesn't: it wraps itself up in a dark corner somewhere inside and forces the rest of your system to function, to take care of the practical matters, which may not be important but which keep you going, which guarantee that you are still, somehow, alive. ~ Peter Hoeg, Smilla's Sense of Snow

It is an imperfect process, getting over loss. ~ unknown

There is eloquence in screaming. ~ Patrick Jones

can i tell you how it's been? i work all the time and that's good. Build-A-Bear is a blessing. i get paid to make children, and the young at heart, happy. i get to build bears and bunnies and tigers. i get to dress them. i get to be, for a few minutes, special to some people.

but i ache inside. i feel hollowed out. time is passing and i don't curse it or wish it to pass faster. i just don't care. food tastes okay. television is okay. nothing moves me though. nothing really touches me. i feel like a very small soul sitting in the dark and i do not know how large the place i am sitting in is. my voice echoes when i cry, scream, even sigh. and i don't care.

i want him back. still. i miss holding his hand. i miss snuggling up to his warmth in bed. i miss his laugh. i miss his cooking. i miss his beard. i miss his eyes looking at me. i miss him. and yes, i want him back.

i do not, however, wish to die before my dogs. they need me. they are so dependent on me. they love me and worry when i leave. they rush to the door when i return. they smile and jump and whine with joy when they see me. they need me so and i adore their fuzzy faces. we snuggle together on the sofa after a long day at work. each has their place on my legs so that it is a big deal to move.

i still cough. i wish i didn't. there was a few hours there that i thought i was going to die and i cried. my poor dogs. my poor children. but mostly, my poor dogs. i didn't want to leave them. but i wondered if my Dragon was hovering close to meet me. and i cried with worry that he wasn't. what if he's moved on? what if he's found some hot little angel in Heaven that's prettier than me? otc cold meds can make you think crazy stuff. the antibiotics also did some weird things to my thought process but at least i knew i was going to survive this bout.

i deeply miss my Dragon. he meant everything to me. i sometimes, honestly don't know, if i will ever feel anything again. will popcorn taste better later on in the year? will icing bring a smile to my face AFTER i get through February? when will the sun be bright? when will my laughter be real? when will i not hurt so much? after Valentine's Day, the anniversary of his funeral?

i am just ready to sit on the sofa with him like we used to do and let the world go by. cuddle with my Dragon and know i am loved. let his words fall softly on my ears and soothe my battered soul. lay my head back on his shoulder and feel his arms around me and feel safe. close my eyes and feel his strong heartbeat. feel his warmth, to once again be warm.

to finally be home.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

the Ambassador speaks.....

hi everyone! it's me, Bunny the Traveling Ambassador. i wanted to say hello to everyone and let you all know i am sooo ready to get mailed on Tuesday. i have my backpack with my journal all tucked away and i have another little patchwork bag that has a surprise in it for everyone i visit.
here is some more information. first of all, know that i am going to love to come see all of you. take pictures with me. take pictures of me. email them all to my alter ego, womanNshadows at her womanNshadows@hotmail.com address. if you have a blog and want to write about our visit, please go ahead and post some pictures, but be sure to send all the ones you want to have put in the little book we want to make for everyone to womanNshadows. she will compile it all.

write in my journal. it is a sacred place for you to write your thoughts and feelings. all the things you want to communicate. write down the names of your Lovely Beloveds and tell us about them. write whatever you want. it is a place for you to feel comfortable and write whatever you wish to tell us.

talk to me. my lips are sealed. whatever you want to say to me is sacrosanct. i am coming to visit with you, to be there with you, to sit and listen and be held by you. i am fuzzy and soft and in my left hand is a little sound box that, when you squeeze it, says, "i love you." we all need to know that we are loved. i love you. i understand what you have been through, are going through, and can see that your life is forever changed. i want to look into your eyes and let you know that you are not alone.

i would like to ask that you keep me for about a week, give or take, and then mail me off to the next person on the list. all this will be written in the journal too, but i just wanted to go ahead and put all this out there for everyone.

also, when you mail me to the next person on the list, would you please email my alter ego, womanNshadows, so she can give that person a quick email to let them know i am on my way? we are trying to be very respectful of people's privacy. yeah, sure snail mail addresses are there, but we were not sure about putting everyone's email address in the journal. womanNshadows thought maybe she would keep that private. when you let her know i have been sent along, she will email to let that person know to expect me.

and now for a hint at the surprise.

i was raised to bring a gift along when i go to visit people so i am bringing a gift for each and everyone of you. here is a little peek.
my patchwork bag has one for every person letting me come visit. when i arrive, please take one out of the patchwork bag and then send the rest along for everyone else to get there's. oh, and if you blog about my visit, don't tell what the surprise is.

i am so happy to be able to come visit with you. i miss my Dragon so very much. some days are okay. a lot of days are just very sorrowful. i work at Build-A-Bear and i am so grateful. i smile and talk to our guests and i love to do the "Heart Ceremony," but i have this emptiness inside me always. i see the little outfits on the wall, the Marine Dress Blues. i see people dressing a bear in it and i get the loneliest feeling. i leave work and open my apartment door, and look at the shrine we have created. womanNshadows and i sit there and look at our pictures of our Dragon and sometimes we do smile, but always there are tears. sweet tears. sobs, too.

i hope you know that i am going to be the best Ambassador of Grief and Whimsy i can be. i am soft and fuzzy and huggable. we all need hugs. we all need a safe place to write. we all need to be able to laugh a little, too. i am a whimsical Bunny so i hope you can look at me and laugh a little at how far my alter ego, womanNshadows, went with all the embroidery and in hand-sewing the backpack and the little patchwork bag of presents.

i will see you all soon.

me and womanNshadows, us, me in all my incarnations, i wish you all peace.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

the Ambassador's Itinerary & Bunny's Big News!!

i think we have in all the addresses that are going to be sent to me. i wanted to let everyone know the Ambassador's itinerary so they can sort of see a projection of when she will visit. this is based on first come, first visited but also on some vacation schedules that i was let in on. i know Bunny is very excited to get on her way. so here is her itinerary:

first she will go to Canada to see Suddenwidow
then off to Surrey, UK to see Boo.
after that she will skippity skip over to Wales to see J.
after a lovely time spent with Moose and J-in-Wales, the Ambassador will be put back in her shipping box to be sent all the way to Queensland, Australia.
after her visit Down Under, the Ambassador will go hoppity hop hop up the side of the world to Alaska! wow.
then on to Arizona to get a close up look at some cactus.
on to Houston for a visit with Lonesome Dove,
and then on to another address in Houston to sit and visit with Widowsphere: our lovely Thelmaz.
up to Maine for a great time Down East and then Bunny will be mailed to an address just over the border from her own home: South Carolina.
after her visit there, the lovely woman in South Carolina is going to drive Bunny home to come visit with her alter ego, womanNshadows.

whew! but never fear. Bunny is ready. she has her journal all ready with all the addresses and information so when you get her, open up her journal for information.

now when she visits, make sure you talk to her. she is such a good listener. look at her furry little face. such a soulful face. and she is soft and has an "I love you" in her paw. she is ready to sit with you and listen to all you want to tell her. and write in her journal. little quotes. maybe a song lyric. or heartfelt words you want to put out to the world. we will all be reading and want that connection. please take advantage of Bunny's journal. we all want to be heard. we all need to know that someone else is listening. well, here are 10 women who are listening. here are 10 women, plus me and Bunny, who want to know what you have to say.

we are a tribe. lean on us. hug Bunny. tears are only salt water. she does not mind. trust me.

take photos of Bunny wherever you take her. with whomever you wish or wants to be in a photo with her. email the photos to me and i will post them. i plan on printing out all the photos and maybe making up little photo albums for everyone if that seems like something we want to do. the Ambassador's Travels. i am playing it by ear, as it were.

i will post when she is mailed off on Tuesday, Jan 25th. i plan on using a Flat Rate Box so i think it should last and can be reused all the way through.

now, yes, there was another full moon last night. since there was a Blue Moon in December of 2009, this was the 24th full moon since my Dragon died. it felt surreal.

remember what i said about Bunny not minding salty tears? that's how i know.
now for the Big NEWS!!!!

on the night of the full moon, when Bunny was very down and had worked very hard all day, she got her Christmas present/birthday present from her son and daughter.
she checked on it before going to bed last night. such an excited Bunny.

drum roll...........................

Bunny got a CAR!
is she not just the most gorgeous and happiest Bunny you ever saw!? the car is a Toyota Camry and it is a standard. perfect for the Bun to make vroom vroom noises as she drives. she can't drive it yet. she needs to get insurance and her tags but she will do that next week on her day off. ooooo, she is so happy.

the car is black so Bunny has named her Midnight.


and this is the crew that got it all done for the Bun. from left to right, Bunny's son-in-law and her lovely daughter who did all the leg work and went yesterday and got Midnight for Bun. next in his Santa Claus suit is Bunny's son who paid for the car. oh, my gosh, Bunny loves her children so much. and last but not least is the big guy, Bunny's son-in-law's father who found the car, who is a mechanic and worked on the car making it work perfectly and safely.
such a wonderful thing to do for the Bun. *sniff sniff* she is getting a little emotional right now. Bunny is so grateful and so overwhelmed with the thought of it all. a car. for Bunny. maybe things will be okay.

hey, my lovely Dragon. i made it through another full moon. i made it through my birthday. they kids got me a car. i love you. i miss you. watch over me while i drive. muah. you're still the prettiest man i ever met.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

the Ambassador is ready!!

Traveling Bunny: the Ambassador of Grief and Whimsy is ready to go. she has her new clothes all embroidered with her official title, her new jeans, and lots of pretty bows for her hair.
on the back of her shirt is an embroidered purple heart to quietly reflect what she feels each widow and widower has earned.
she has her newly hand-sewn little backpack that she will carry with her that holds her little leather journal for everyone to write in.
just unwind the little piece of yarn and slip the journal out of her pack, write in it, put postcards, stamps, little drawings in it, whatever you want, then slip it back inside and put her pack back on her back to go along with her.
she is ready to be your fuzzy friend. she is ready to listen to you. she is ready to sit quietly and visit with you while you pour out your heart to her. take her photo and email them to her mom, Beach Bunny aka womanNshadows.

all the information will be in the first pages of her journal. addresses, emails, the next person on the list to mail her to. she is all set and ready to make her journey around the world.

i am going to wait another week to make sure anyone and everyone who wants her has emailed their addresses to me. if you want the Ambassador to visit you, please email me at: womanNshadows@hotmail.com

Bunny has 7 addresses as of right now. Alaska, Queensland Australia, Canada, and England! so i am waiting one more week before i mail the Ambassador to the first addressee in Alaska. if you want her, email me to get on the list! the Ambassador would LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to come sit with you and be your friend.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

stranger in a strange land // Home

i am not home.

i have not been home much my whole life. home is that place where you feel safe. it is where all your stuff is. it is where you can be who you are and not worry about someone turning on you.

home was with him.

he did not hold all my stuff in his arms. in fact, during our marriage all my stuff was in storage. it still is. but in his eyes was all the love and acceptance i had never gotten during my entire life. in his arms was safety. when i was with him, i was home.
i miss him. i miss him every moment of every day. it has not been two years yet. it has been 23 months. i cannot believe that. 23 months without his voice in my ear. 23 months without his hand in mine. 23 months without spooning while i fall asleep.

i am homesick. i got out of work this evening and i waited for my ride. i looked around and nothing was familiar. i am a stranger in a strange land. there are no gulls whirling overhead. there is no rush of waves on the shore. there is no salty smell in the air.
there are no more walks to gaze out across our cove at our island. he is not ahead of me or behind me. he is nowhere waiting for me that i can see or get to or call out to him across the yards of ground.

"honey. i'm home."

honey is not there and i am not home. i will never be home again and that hit me like a 2 x 4 to the chest today. tears stung my eyes. nothing is familiar. my phone number, the apartment, the sky, the mall where i work now. nothing is familiar.

the football team is different. the accents are different. the air is different. i am different because i am alone. Dragonless. husbandless. i am a widow.

i wish i could wear a huge embroidered "W" on my shirt. "i am a widow! do not say anything to hurt my feelings! i am a widow! i hurt all the freakin' time! i am a widow! i go to bed alone and cry my eyes out -- every -- single -- night.

i am a widow and i love him so much i do not think i can make it without him.

i am His widow. ask me about him. please."

my Miss Carmen Sophia, the Wild Gypsy Girl with the Sensitive Soul has been worried about my lingering cough. she sleeps so close to my chest. her eyes are always on me.
Mr. Scootie Wootums, Lord of the Dance with the Stardust Eyes follows me everywhere i go. i am never out of his sight. and when i return from work, it is his face that stays in the window watching me walk to the stairs before he dares to duck away and race for the door.
i am not alone in the apartment. i have my two furry companions, but it is still not home. he is not there. it is not a place he has ever been and i have to admit i get very wistful reading about others who speak of their forever homes, of "not moving his things," or of thinking maybe they are ready to pick up about the place and make some changes.

i have had too many changes in my life since my Dragon died. i wish i was where we were before he died. i wish circumstances were that i was still in Rockport, still haunting the beaches, still searching for him in the moon as it rises over the North Atlantic. still in front of the fire he built that i would never have let go out even over the summers. his fire. his warmth. same place. our stuff. his chair. our home. home. home. i want to go home.

but there is no home for me anymore anywhere. because he is home. his arms are home. and i am lost in a strange world where i cannot find a friend to come sit with me and talk to me like that book speaks about. i got a copy, too. Seven Choices. it talks about having someone to talk to. i waited 21 months to find someone who will talk to me and as fate would have it, our schedules do not allow for much talk anymore. it has been a month and it will be another 2 weeks before i can talk to her again.

and i have unexpressed worries, sorrows, hurts that have happened to me that i would like to speak to someone about, if time would ever allow it. if someone would ever allow it.
i miss him. i wish i could go home. but home is only a memory now. a very dear memory of being safe and warm in his arms.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

harsh realities from the other side of pneumonia

there is a mystery to living that i have not discovered yet. next week is my birthday and i will be 53. it is a sad commentary on my life that i have not found a way to live, only exist, but at least i am doing that.

i survived childhood by hiding. i endured a first marriage by hiding. i never felt safe during the first 44 years of my life, and that is another sad statement to make. then i met the Dragon and i finally felt safe. yes, we had severe financial troubles left from the fallout of my first marriage and we endured so much, but we did it together. we kept our little tribe safe. and then he died. he died and left me here without anything to my name but the memory of a love that will never die and dreams that i cannot let go of.

i fell ill over Christmas, seriously ill. i had a high fever that would not break and i could not breathe. i was terrified and my daughter had limited time with me because of her own work responsibilities and the fact that i did not want her to catch what i had. i could not cook for myself so i ate raw oats for several days. i could only lay around and be hot and cough and choke. i finally got to a doctor who treated my illness, but the length of time it has taken to recover from it has given me time to evaluate a lot of things. also being on 4 kinds of medications helps with the delusions and hallucinations that came about through my aloneness.

i was very ill and people knew about it. i got well wishes and hopes for a speedy recovery, and that was nice, but it does not help at 11 PM or 3:15 AM when the fever is high and air is very dear. reading kind thoughts online does not help when no one is there to call to when i am coughing and choking over the toilet and nothing is coming up from my lungs to clear the way for oxygen. i missed my Dragon so much when he was not there to cry to when i fell limp and damp from fever and paroxysms of coughing and wanted for all the world to have someone help me back to bed and dampen a cool cloth for my aching forehead.

no friends. the girls i work with are of a different generation. i have not been able to join a church since i do not have a car. i am on a list for a "pick up for services" but no one has called me back about it. as i said, i could not all my daughter for i did not want her to catch this and my Dragon is no longer here to hold me and try to coax me to eating toast, and drink hot tea. or take the dogs out.

there was a backsliding into a deep and lasting grief over losing him that happened to me these last 3 weeks. every day i told God, "i just wish he could walk through the door one more time and take care of me. please. just let him help me get well this one more time." but he couldn't come back and i felt miserable and alone and i hated my life. i hated everyone who has friends who stop by and support them. and in hating people, i felt even more miserable. hot tears from a hot fever and feelings sorry for myself made me a terrible person.

the few times i typed on Facebook did not help. well wishes are nice but when i faced the harsh reality of knowing that no one was coming to take care of me, i felt terrible and selfish and childish and very cut off from the world.

the world breaks your heart and some people become strong at those broken places, but so far, i have not. i have been knocked off my feet again and again. i do not have the luxury of money to feel safe with, to have health care from. i do not have the blessing of friends to go see, or who come to see me. i have my talents with a needle to attract people to me, but i wish they would stay for a while and talk TO me, listen TO me. be a true friend. but so far, i have not found anyone.

i like talking to the Matriarch of Grief and Joy but i schedules being what they are, i have not talked to her since the second week of December and will not get to again until the last week in January. a long stretch without feeling heard and there are things i wish to be heard about.

i do have my job at Build-A-Bear that i feel blessed to have and wish dearly to keep, to have the hours i need to survive. and i have my children who worried themselves sick over me, but could do nothing to help other than wait for the meds to start to work, and promise me that they would not allow me to wait so long next time.

next time. i do not think i could handle a next time. sick like this? i could not breathe and i do not think my lungs can take another bout of pneumonia. maybe being this sick has brought me low and i am speaking from still coughing too much, but i am not journeying well on this road laid out for me. i feel down, and alone.

i miss him so much. i miss his arms. i miss his voice. i miss his taking care of me. i miss his love. the only time in my life i felt truly at home, truly safe, was in his embrace. and i will never have that again. i feel shocked to be so alone in the world when i really am such a gregarious person. but i do not seem to have much to offer anyone other than what my words can do for them, and my needle and threads.

i have offered Bunny to visit as a chance for me to connect with the world at large. it is a ridiculous adventure that serves no purpose other than my stupid idea of a fuzzy bunny for a lonely widow to hug, the Bunny they have seen up on my blog who has possibly touched their hearts. her little outfit is cute if i do say so and i have a little leather journal for everyone to write in. i am trying to make her as enticing and attractive as i can so that she will have friends galore to say, "look at me! i have friends! i am popular!" but the truth is, the truth is i wish it were me with the money to come and visit. i wish it were me taking photos of all of you and listening to you and holding hands with while we cry.

it is merely a way for me to have a tendril of a connection to the world that i will never see, never know, but wish with all my might that i could have. i have addresses to get Bunny started, and need anyone else, especially my two friends down in Australia who wanted a visit from Bunny, to send me their addresses. it is my hope that when she returns, i have notes and pictures and stamps in her journal and that Bunny has funky little bracelets and necklaces around her from all her travels. at least she got to go somewhere and hopefully she made people feel good.

i think something happened to me while i was so sick this time. i had a dream while i was sick that i died and no one knew. like the woman who died downstairs last fall and no one found her for a whole day. i know that with my daughter that would not happen, but when you have a fever and are weighing the pros and cons of spending money on Urgent Care, your mind goes to very dark places. what if i died right now? i have 2 quilts i would leave unfinished. i have a dream journal that would frighten an exorcist. my two little dogs. God, i would not want to die and leave them. but then i wondered who would my children call to come to my funeral?

no one. they would maybe post online, and that would prompt a little flurry of "oh, my gosh," and "how sad," and "what happened," but beyond that, my funeral would be a tiny service with only my two children there and the priest.

a quiet little life. like Wordsworth's Lucy.

"she lived unknown and few could know
when Lucy ceased to be,
but she is in her grave and oh,
the difference to me."

if i died, and my Dragon were still here, there would be a difference in his life. my absence would be felt. he would cry, as i have cried for him. and then that makes me think that it is better this way. i would not want him to cry. i could not bear to know he had sorrow, which leads me to say, yes, he would not want me to be this sorrowful over him, but i am and i cannot help it. and as i wrote to Boo earlier, i do not think our men would mind the length of time it takes for us to get through the tears. we love and love deeply. the bond is so great for some of us and our marriages so happy. sudden death is like an amputation. the phantom pain is a powerful force that can rule the night, and during illness. we need them back and we slide down close to the pit of despair when we think of how it could be if they were here taking care of us.

i have been very, very sick this time around, felt very, very alone, and i am still under the weather, and i miss him terribly. my heart and soul have been quite literally broken open by his death and the whole universe has fallen inside me. i see only the stars and the moon. i see only the sun that hides the moon with her brightness. and i see dragons in clouds every where i look.

i am trying to recover from his death, but it has been hard. everyone who meets me wants me to work for them, but few want to sit with me; just come and sit with me in my sorrow, and hold a Bunny's hand. i do not need antidepressants. i need a friend who can see me for who i am, and can be. i need a friend who likes me for nothing more than my smile and kind eyes. i would like someone to talk to and learn to laugh with again.

it snowed here and i stepped onto the balcony and made myself a little friend; a snow bunny for Beach Bunny. for now, she is all i have.
the harsh reality from the other side of my pneumonia is that i realize i am will not leave a mark on the world. i was loved once for a brief time by my Dragon and that is all anyone can hope for. i have two wonderful children who love me and will miss me. and i will leave behind some work that has touched people on some level. i know that i will live a precarious life from now on, and few will know when i pass, but it could have been worse. i might not have ever known my Dragon or had my children.

harsh realities to face, but there have been some blessings along the way.

~~~~~~~

the Ambassador of Grief and Whimsy will be ready to go soon. i just want to make sure everyone who wants to see her has emailed their address. she can come visit, and be held, and talked to, and it will be almost as if i were there.

please email me your addresses if you want a visit from Bunny. i do not want anyone to feel left out. i so very much know what that feels like.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

i need you so much i almost cannot bear it .....

i need you back.

for just a little while. until i get well. i need you.

i have not felt this sick and been without you. my lungs feel like an aquarium.
every time i cough i get piercing pain in my head and go fuzzy. i go sliding down so i do not fall down, but it is the liquid sloshing around in my lungs, that melted jello-feel inside there that upsets me so.

please come hold me tonight. i really need to be with you right now.
the fever was 103. the doctor gave me a shot of antibiotics to kick start the meds. i wish you were here to be with, to make food for me, to refill my juice and tea. magic tea. i used to call it magic tea because you always magically filled it when it got low. you cannot do that anymore.

i wish you could. i love your magic tea.
no matter how i lay, my lungs feel crowded. i cannot get enough air though i do think it is getting better. so many meds. samples all, bless the woman doctor who saw my panic at the expected costs of what i would need to be on.

if you had been there with me, you would have smiled and spread your big hand over my head, finger combed my hair and winked. as it was, please, God, bless my daughter who had that frightened child look about her but the woman resiliency in her to get me to the Urgent Care and speak for me. when she saw me getting the shot, i gave her a smile and a thumbs up. i made a joke about the shot.

3 women in one room. one a doctor. one a woman who is the child of the third. i nodded to the doctor, who gave all her instructions to my daughter and in doing so, gave her the gift and burden of adulthood. caring for her mother.
she has been wonderful, my daughter has. but the nights. aw, Dragon, dear, the nights are so bad. i lie there alone and i cannot breathe. the wheezing is so raspy. soupy. air should not sound like water. the paroxysms of coughing that shake my bones. the fluid in my lungs that makes me feel like i am going to drown.

i wish you were here. i need you so much i almost cannot bear it.......

just until i get well.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Bunny has pneumonia

that's all. just letting everyone know.

i hit a severe crisis last night. could not breathe. my daughter took me into an Urgent Care. i was diagnosed with pneumonia. i got two shots for free, a hand out of anti-nausea pills, and a script for antibiotics.

the doctor even gave Bun a note to take to work when she returns. her lovely daughter called her store and told them everything. they said, "she, of all people, do not have to worry about keeping her job." what a relief. now i can go crawl onto the sofa and work on getting well.

i just wanted to let everyone know.