how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

the impossible dream

i've been struggling.  work, blessed to have it that i am, has been a hard challenge.  my boss only works 6 hours a week but she is very tough.  she admits she does not care about anyone or their feelings.  she admits she probably should not curse me out in public.  she is not a nice person.  difficult to work for and with.  but the blessing is she truly does only put in about 6 hours a week.

she does take the heart out of me, out of Bunny.
 the only people i have in my life who can put it back in are my two children, my two little dogs, and my memories of my Dragon.

i need a new perspective.  grief, life, financial worries, physical pain, sadness; i am wearing out.
i need to look out a window and see something different, well, pretend it's different.
 i need to hold on to my dreams impossible though they are. 
 someday i'll live by the ocean again.  {i won't really but it's my dream to}
it will be a place far removed from anyone else.  i remember how empty the town i lived in with him got when the summer people left.  the few who remained, the ones who lived there year-round truly cared how their neighbors were doing.  after particularly brutal storms it was not at all unusual to see a neighbor snowshoeing over to check if they hadn't seen you out yet to clear off the snow.  or during the summer when the place was jammed packed with careless summer people, we'd see each other and roll our eyes and smile.  because we knew.  summer is fleeting and winter is always just around the corner.  and the storms coming off the North Atlantic drive away everyone away.  only the ones who understand and truly love the austere beauty of such a place stay and embrace the cold, the snow, the wind, and the ocean.

my impossible dreams.  to stop just surviving but to find a way to live again.
i work very hard and i am struggling to make it.  there has to be a way, or a time for me to do more than just get by.

"and still i dream he'll come to me
that we will live the years together
but there are dreams that cannot be
and there are storms we cannot weather

i had a dream my life would be
so different from this hell i'm living
so different now from what it seemed
now life has killed the dream i dreamed.

i need my dreams back and i need to hold on to them with everything i've got left inside me.
i want things:
a new pair of sneakers that will be better for my feet to work those 12 hours days.
a new mattress.  the one i am using is 20 years old and was given to me because the woman was throwing it out.
a new lamp to sew by.

i want courage.
i want to breathe deeply and not shudder out a sob that cancels the breathe.

and i want to be able to go to the ocean again someday.
i want to have a long weekend with no worries, only sun, sand, and salt water.
i don't want to lose myself.  i don't want to feel this way.
i need to toughen up and keep going,
but i also need to try and find a way to live a little.
try to smile a genuine smile.

i need to help myself because i honestly don't know where to find help around here.
my ability to trust has been greatly damaged.
i had hoped to find someone vested in my well being.
i have nothing left inside me to give anyone at this time.
i am so low that i need all of what i've got to keep myself going so
that i can find a way out of this darkness.
i don't know which way to go but sitting down won't get me anywhere.

i need to hold on to my impossible dreams and use it for strength, release from reality for a little while each day, and for the courage to face more of that reality tomorrow.

i miss him.  i want him.  i need him.  he made me better but i was only better, i was only good when i was with him.  i was only strong with him.  i was only visible when i was with him.  without him, there is not much of me.  without him, i am not interesting to know. 

impossible dreams.
1. live by the ocean.  2. see him again.  3. not be scared.
4. just be safe. 5. have enough to eat.

Friday, January 11, 2013


i have this weekend off.  today, tomorrow, and sunday.  laundry done.  a bit of food in the fridge.  going in the morning for an oil change.  cable television cancelled.  only internet now.  counting pennies.  filed a waiver of hardship with the VA....waiting.  exhausted and lonely and......

but i have my dogs and a job and my children.  i do have my bit of money even if i juggle the food end of things.  i have health care.  i had love.

i had my time at the ocean's edge.  i had my love, my Dragon.  {i still have him in my every thought.}

i went to the doctor for my hand.  it's in a splint now.  bone chip.  all this time it was a legitimate health issue and not my being tired and fretful or arthritis.  well, there is arthritis there, too, but he said, "chipped bone in there, so that must be hurting quite a bit more than regular arthritis."  it does.  it will for a while.  i didn't accept a pain script.  i can deal with pain.  don't need to spend that money.

it's coming on my "season."  my birthday is next week.  i will be 2 years older than my mother was when she died.  it feels weird.

9 February will be 4 years since he died.  it feels so long ago and then i gasp and it feels like last summer.  the pain can burn inside my veins and my neck feels hot.  my tears burn my eyes.  i shake.

eyes open, eyes closed, i can still feel him beside me; remember what it was like.  i remember holding his hand.  touching his beard.

but i look at pictures of him and i feel lost from him.  the memory, vivid though it is, feels far away.  there is an ebb and flow to the intensity of my memories.  i feel like i strain for more - like the way he smelled, the sound of his voice.  touch is all i can remember really well and the warmth of his body.  is it because my mind is purposely trying to cloud the memories behind a veil to protect me from continuing this hard grief?

i miss him so.  i miss the simple companionship we had.  i drive home from work at 10 PM and i hang up from talking to my daughter.  i know i will walk into my apartment to care for my little dogs, but i will have no supper waiting, no warm arms to embrace me, no questions about how my day was, no one to wonder should i not make it home that night.

my birthday is coming up and there will be no party.  i work that day.  it's not big deal.  i'll be turning 55.  not any big deal at all.

and it's childish of me to wish it were a small bit of a big deal.

i wish i could call him back to me.  i always, still, look to the moon.  but is it more the analogy that i have put myself on the moon looking down at life?  am i the one that is still and lifeless?  or is my image of my Dragon flying off to Heaven, around the moon, looking back at me that is the correct one?  is any dream of a lost loved one, dreams that last forever, healthy?  am i moving on as they say?  i am living.  but i love him.  i am supporting myself, fighting for myself, but i still love him.  the ebb and flow of the salt water that makes up my tears.
LOOK how the pale queen of the silent night
Doth cause the ocean to attend upon her,
And he, as long as she is in his sight,
With her full tide is ready her to honor.
But when the silver waggon of the moon
Is mounted up so high he cannot follow,
The sea calls home his crystal waves to moan,
And with low ebb doth manifest his sorrow.
So you that are the sovereign of my heart
Have all my joys attending on your will;
My joys low-ebbing when you do depart,
When you return their tide my heart doth fill.
So as you come and as you do depart,
Joys ebb and flow within my tender heart.
Charles Best
 my birthday is coming up.  i have two friends who will be waiting for me to come back to them after work.  i think i will stop off and get a cupcake and a candle and make a wish.
Mr. Scootie Wootums, Lord of the Dance with the Stardust Eyes
 Ms. Carmen Sophia, the Wild Gypsy Girl with the Sensitive Soul
the kind of friends who are constant in an inconstant world.