tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-65808987426457534222024-02-19T19:46:44.007-05:00the art of griefabandonedsoulshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06020499806998154330noreply@blogger.comBlogger468125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6580898742645753422.post-32242315086193176042016-10-11T15:57:00.000-04:002016-10-11T15:57:17.442-04:00still here<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDqIUeebngK8sCktZCkb_FpUolU-O6ZyXNp8jtQJSOlGzLLbLZ91Wzgu2WQhq-Bex1d9aPnDLbHYKBKVwm9fLDRTwowNruUtMxrNMTt_ehqw0ZJ8bkNqSE99Hr0KU6ClFsDnc2-W7MFQ/s1600/IMG_7223.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDqIUeebngK8sCktZCkb_FpUolU-O6ZyXNp8jtQJSOlGzLLbLZ91Wzgu2WQhq-Bex1d9aPnDLbHYKBKVwm9fLDRTwowNruUtMxrNMTt_ehqw0ZJ8bkNqSE99Hr0KU6ClFsDnc2-W7MFQ/s320/IMG_7223.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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i'm still out here.</div>
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me and my Furry Beloveds.</div>
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we live and i work for us.</div>
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our home is tiny and it works for us.</div>
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our lives are very small, and that, too, works for us.</div>
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<br /></div>
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7 years, 8 months.</div>
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my rings are still on and i make no apologies.</div>
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i am still "in love" with him.</div>
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when a great many others i have "met" online</div>
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have moved into relationships,</div>
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i am still "married."</div>
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</div>
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i'm not ready.</div>
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i may never be ready,</div>
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and i make no apologies.</div>
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</div>
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i am through having people compare me to some random</div>
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grief step-by-step guide of where i should be.</div>
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</div>
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i am where i am.</div>
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i live how i live and it hurts no one.</div>
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not even me.</div>
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</div>
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i still grieve.</div>
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i still love him.</div>
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i am fine.</div>
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</div>
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i am still out here. </div>
abandonedsoulshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06020499806998154330noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6580898742645753422.post-67721719256490633512016-03-23T22:08:00.000-04:002016-03-23T22:08:32.347-04:00hitting a wallit has been seven + years since he died. seven years without someone to talk to.<br />
<br />
he listened to me.<br />
<br />
listened. it's an important word. <br />
<br />
he listened to what i had to say. he asked questions. he made sure he understood what i had to say, what i was feeling, the moods i was in. he let me talk.<br />
<br />
and i listened to him. i heard what he said and what he didn't say.<br />
<br />
we were in each others heads as well as in each others hearts. <br />
<br />
i miss that. i miss it so much. it's been so long since i have had him here to talk to. to feel understood. to feel heard.<br />
<br />
so much has changed. so many things have happened. i wish i could talk to him. i need him so badly.<br />
<br />
i am so very tired. tired in that i could use a week of sleep, but also just life tired.<br />
<br />
the world is turning terrible. i do not like people at all anymore.<br />
<br />
there are people that i wish would just stop talking. they are psychopaths. they know they are hurting people and they do not care. it is their belief that they and their agenda matter and everyone else can go away. but that's what the definition of a psychopath is.<br />
<br />
i wish i could shut the world out. live on a secluded beach and let the world go to Hell around me. but i'll just be there alone, somehow. someway.<br />
<br />
i work a lot. 55 + hours a week. i am physically exhausted.<br />
<br />
i have a lot of chores to do at home that i am so tired yet need to do.<br />
<br />
i have so many thoughts i wish to express but i do not trust anyone. i need him.<br />
<br />
physical pain is daily. both arms with tennis elbow. my right foot has a hairline fracture. my left hand has a hairline fracture as well. my right foot has Achilles tendinitis. it's been 2 years for the tennis elbow. 3 months for the foot fracture. 10 months for the Achilles tendinitis. and only a week for the fracture in my hand.<br />
<br />
i just hurt every day. and i wish he were here.<br />
<br />
i feel like i might explode. i cry at home a lot. just break down and sob. <br />
<br />
7 years without someone on my side. 7 years without someone to look for me, wait for me, talk to me, listen to me, sleep next to me.<br />
<br />
7 years without my Dragon.<br />
<br />
i've hit a wall. and i'm depresssed.abandonedsoulshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06020499806998154330noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6580898742645753422.post-15297424316868946552016-01-17T21:08:00.000-05:002016-01-17T21:08:21.351-05:00the feelings of the persistent grieverit's about to be 7 years. February 9th will mark 7 years that we have been apart.<br />
<br />
what do i do with that?<br />
<br />
i am in pain over it and i do not tell anyone. <br />
<br />
i am shooting for numb. i wish to be numb.<br />
<br />
most of the time i shut myself down and get on with my days, my life, work, taking care of the myriad of things that make up every day of a person's life. i pay bills. i take care of the car. i walk my dogs and snuggle with them. i tell them things i would never even type here. and they listen.<br />
<br />
they know.<br />
<br />
i would like to go numb. just for a while. just not feel. anything. no hurt. no sadness. no longing. no loneliness.<br />
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while i am at work i can disappear behind the job. but when i am home....alone...and am getting ready for bed....i miss him.<br />
<br />
7 years.<br />
<br />
i do not think of dating. i do not want another. still. do. not. i do not want to try. i do not. i am emphatic. {thinking of it, putting myself in the idea of dating, makes me queasy.} so i know i am not ready and doubt i ever will be.<br />
<br />
queasy is a strong word.<br />
<br />
i would like him back, please. he knew me. he would smile, and smile more with his eyes when he looked at me, and finish my sentences.<br />
<br />
i could quietly tell him my most secret secrets. and he would understand. he would laugh. he would encourage. he would cry with me. he was empathetic. he was mine and i was his.<br />
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i miss him.<br />
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i always will.<br />
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i accept that.<br />
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i just wouldn't mind a few days of being numb. you know. to just get a little consistent sleep without the sad, bad dream.<br />
<br />
such are the thoughts and feelings of the persistent griever.<br />
<br />
abandonedsoulshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06020499806998154330noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6580898742645753422.post-31567578200739623242015-12-07T20:04:00.000-05:002015-12-07T20:04:57.155-05:00"it's coming on Christmas..""i wish i had a river i could skate away on...."<br />
<br />
i watched a Christmas movie on the Hallmark channel. a widow was told to "move on." her husband had been dead for 3 years. <br />
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it's been 6 and a half for me. <br />
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i've seen widows and widowers all around me move on. i haven't.<br />
<br />
my landlady moved on after one year. her boyfriend sleeps over 3 nights a week. she stays very busy with all her friends, too. out to dinner 2 - 3 times a week with them above and beyond her boyfriend. she doesn't understand my ability to be spend my free time alone as i do.<br />
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it sort of irritates her. she makes fun of me a little bit but it is a cutting wit; very sharp and at times derogatory.<br />
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it stings because she is my landlady but i just deeply inhale and breathe through it.<br />
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i miss him. my Dragon. i wish i could talk to him. i wish he could hold my hand again.<br />
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i wish he were here for one more Christmas. <br />
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i wish i could stop getting teary when i'm alone but it is just that time of year.<br />
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"it's coming on Christmas." families are embracing their loved ones, making plans. my son will be spending it with his girlfriend's family. my daughter and grandson will be spending it with her mother-in-law up in the mountains of this state.<br />
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she is upset but she has to go. it is the best decision for her to keep peace on that side of the family. i am, of course, "invited," but the set up of it being so far away keeps me from going, and her mother-in-law knows this.<br />
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i keep telling myself i will be fine; that i won't be lonely on Christmas Day. <br />
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i tell myself a lot of things to get myself through the rough times.<br />
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mostly i tell myself, "this too shall pass."<br />
<br />
Merry Christmas to all. <br />
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peace to all who read.<br />
peace and light to all who grieve.abandonedsoulshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06020499806998154330noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6580898742645753422.post-54577088925524988402015-10-14T22:36:00.000-04:002015-10-14T22:36:18.246-04:00six years, eight monthsi am no longer new to grief. there is no way anyone would give me the consideration of the grieving widow. it has been too long.<br />
and yet.<br />
i am, in my way, very quietly grieving, still.<br />
<br />
i have found my footing. i work. i support myself. i have even fought for myself in abstract ways; in the "hey, i am standing here" kind of way.<br />
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i have not "moved on" as it is called. i am not seeking companionship. i do not want to date. i have not taken off my wedding rings.<br />
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but i do feel stronger in my loneliness. it doesn't bother me anymore to be so alone so much of the time.<br />
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today, my boss was looking at what we have left of our vacation time. i spent 4 days of my two week vacation time allotted with my son and it was wonderful. i do have time left. <br />
<br />
"are you going anywhere else?"<br />
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i had to laugh. where am i going to go? i do not have friends. i do not any money to travel anywhere even if it were by myself. i told her, "put me in for where i can have a day here and there off."<br />
<br />
and i will just stay at home. i will sew. i will walk my dogs and take photos of the world close by my Sanctuary. i will read and take naps and paint. i will dream and plan for things i will never do or go to or see.<br />
<br />
but i live a very wonderful, inspiring, decadent life inside my imagination.<br />
<br />
and i am content. i am relatively safe. i am paying down a small debt. i am taking care of myself.<br />
<br />
and i think of him. my Dragon. i love him. i miss him. i'd love to hear his voice. i'd love to talk to him. i'd love to spend another day with him.<br />
<br />
but i want him to be happy wherever he is. i don't want him looking back, so i don't address him directly. i talk to God. i talk to my dogs.<br />
<br />
six years, eight months of being without him.<br />
<br />
time flies even when you're not having fun. abandonedsoulshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06020499806998154330noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6580898742645753422.post-28607241616713792642015-07-12T14:05:00.000-04:002015-07-12T14:08:29.998-04:00random acts of kindness<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtPYdFKhBA9OQXgzXNCL-fhuzwXoM9P1BblfOg3pCPuK90YPQ5YZIXVlsFTuHI26h_oPlmNRBUwSqq0J7Nl6NrvJcAn1dyap7HFWFVhcLojiEIPdB3M5BcO_Rp9oWKxeZab_40a-RYTw/s1600/IMG_3562_2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtPYdFKhBA9OQXgzXNCL-fhuzwXoM9P1BblfOg3pCPuK90YPQ5YZIXVlsFTuHI26h_oPlmNRBUwSqq0J7Nl6NrvJcAn1dyap7HFWFVhcLojiEIPdB3M5BcO_Rp9oWKxeZab_40a-RYTw/s320/IMG_3562_2.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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i will only write about this once.</div>
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<br /></div>
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i know a story. it is a true story. it is about a young woman, a loving wife and mother. it is about her little family.</div>
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they need help and have, humbly, humiliatingly, turned to social media. it is a place called "go fund me." people use this for things like help for bills to, one i saw wanted $5000 to decorate her yard with rainbows because she is gay and wanted to, well, for want of a better word, annoy her neighbors who had asked her to tone down her public displays of her life choices.</div>
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i'm still not sure how to word that as i am not sure what her true goal was but instead of $5000, for the sake of her social cause, she was given over $27,000.</div>
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<br /></div>
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this young woman i am speaking of needs help with bills. she was let go from her job with one day's notice. it was because they could not pay her enough for day care for her son, but wanted her to leave him "somewhere" and come in to the office to work rather than work remote as she had be doing for the last almost two years. {her son is 19 months old.}</div>
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<br /></div>
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unemployment was denied her due to the fact that she did not lie on her application. she told them she was looking for a job that would pay her enough to cover her helping her husband with the household bills PLUS child care. they denied her due to the fact that she could not afford child care without a job.</div>
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she is trying to kick start her photography business. it is what she went to school for. it is what she is trained for. it is also where her passion lies. she loves to take photographs. she is wonderful with children and animals. that would be her focus. </div>
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her husband works so hard and makes very good money, but it is not enough. they want to buy a little house so that they're house payments are less. that would help greatly. they are working on it.</div>
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but until then, they need help with bills. not anything horrible like medical bills. not anything like a social statement of "i am being discriminated against and i want to make a huge statement."</div>
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they simply need help like so many others.</div>
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<br /></div>
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for just a little bit.</div>
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until things get better for them.</div>
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<br /></div>
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here is the link to their "go fund me" site.</div>
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<a href="http://www.gofundme.com/x8jgwk" target="_blank">http://www.gofundme.com/x8jg</a></div>
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<br /></div>
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i hope the universe is kind.</div>
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i hope someone out there has the ability to help a little bit, or pass this around.</div>
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it is usually the random acts of kindness from strangers that make the difference in someone's life.</div>
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<br /></div>
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it did in the Good Samaritan parable.</div>
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thank you for listening. thank you so very much for any help you can give this gentle little family.</div>
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her husband adores her and knows exactly his good fortune in finding her and in being blessed with their son. she is a lovely person who notices the little details that others miss. her kindness, empathy, and humility are the first things you would notice about her should you ever get the chance to meet her.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzRA_kSr7zS45W7XDG3ph4tYnmqmaOsFINrsdvgMhrE8_h6vuCCBpKlfSvxwtAxcKkgD1AmYa3twpups1ThNsM2Njrwr_LU5IRAGC5AfzIDEc98XZiKzv_0tr8ohQUnRq09G5spiy3Lw/s1600/IMG_3831_2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzRA_kSr7zS45W7XDG3ph4tYnmqmaOsFINrsdvgMhrE8_h6vuCCBpKlfSvxwtAxcKkgD1AmYa3twpups1ThNsM2Njrwr_LU5IRAGC5AfzIDEc98XZiKzv_0tr8ohQUnRq09G5spiy3Lw/s320/IMG_3831_2.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>
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any help would be gratefully, prayerfully accepted with joy and good thoughts for the giver.</div>
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know that they would, and do even at this difficult time for them, help others all they can.</div>
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i wish to thank you, any of the readers of my blog, if you could help.</div>
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how do i know this little family?</div>
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she is my daughter. that is my grandson. and i would move Heaven and Earth to help them.</div>
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if my Dragon was still alive, he would also move Heaven and Earth.</div>
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it has been whispered, "i wish he were here so i could ask his advice."</div>
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but he is not and we are winging it. </div>
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peace to all who read. peace and light to all who grieve. </div>
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abandonedsoulshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06020499806998154330noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6580898742645753422.post-80144258133997355312015-04-19T09:16:00.000-04:002015-04-19T09:18:38.207-04:00Furry Beloveds<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
this is my blog where i come to vent.</div>
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i do not come here very often anymore; not like when he first died.</div>
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but i do come back.</div>
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the people i first met here, the widows and widowers who first commented and</div>
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engaged me in conversations, who befriended me</div>
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have mostly dropped off the horizon.</div>
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they're lives have taken them away from the need to come back here.</div>
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they are busy, remarried, adjusting without the need to speak to it.</div>
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<br /></div>
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i think i am a little bit lonelier then they.</div>
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in a different place in my heart?</div>
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not sure but i still do come here to write.</div>
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<br /></div>
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but i wanted anyone, everyone who reads to know that i am not in constant pain.</div>
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i am not suffering as i once was.</div>
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i am not over it though.</div>
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but i have accepted what has happened and what happens {present tense}.</div>
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<br /></div>
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i also wanted to show you happy pictures.</div>
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<br /></div>
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here is me {so to speak} with one of my Furry Beloveds.</div>
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Scootie Wootums is my little boy Scottie.</div>
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he likes to snuggle. so do i. it's a match made in Heaven.</div>
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<img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdlzoC3J-S8b2sQKI86l-vpEr6wwlSQxBW-Ka4SwL1r2-w531fu6n-quvAj560TZdy1fsevvOjqGhQcCDHLr9W4OX2JVY0-K2in6T7srFFYBkhp35cjJzkVtITFnU1P3aZGGcNjhn2DQ/s1600/hellava+day.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></div>
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<br /></div>
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my Dragon during one of our misty morning walks with our dogs on the beach in front of our home.</div>
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they and i were much younger. he was still here.</div>
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now they and i are much older and he is not here.</div>
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but the memories..... </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9S8CdiQR9BH3Zfs_FaRE9LJCnba3raNM8ykDHmjjEUfdrwPHvOZzpUb8al7OJRTi4rOFGUSZeJA0tLHY-cdsesmZ9t8igwRlGhTwWyTGEN8jV9gDVpB9KE6EzJrCQ2XND3jSAvb6-Dg/s1600/IMG_6504+Carl+at+long+beach+REDO.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9S8CdiQR9BH3Zfs_FaRE9LJCnba3raNM8ykDHmjjEUfdrwPHvOZzpUb8al7OJRTi4rOFGUSZeJA0tLHY-cdsesmZ9t8igwRlGhTwWyTGEN8jV9gDVpB9KE6EzJrCQ2XND3jSAvb6-Dg/s1600/IMG_6504+Carl+at+long+beach+REDO.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a></div>
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Scootie asking to go outside for walkies.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiXQ375YnYQeQxuSZsmp6nwBctLzaKAsm_zBcttgPws2QVzRX1YsiHzpF-MiRj9SEZdXrniY6uzQZc2YiRt7E7hW4of8ZBiulko9CxzLYvvumplukESGDS60_HRD-3D4xDgJy5OTk1Ltw/s1600/IMG_9183.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiXQ375YnYQeQxuSZsmp6nwBctLzaKAsm_zBcttgPws2QVzRX1YsiHzpF-MiRj9SEZdXrniY6uzQZc2YiRt7E7hW4of8ZBiulko9CxzLYvvumplukESGDS60_HRD-3D4xDgJy5OTk1Ltw/s1600/IMG_9183.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></a></div>
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my sweet girl, Carmen Sophia, sharing her soul.</div>
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i sometimes feel a great loneliness when i see and know and realize that people are going home from work to their families, to busier lives than i have.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
but then i walk into my Sanctuary to excited barks and wiggly butts and happy smiles</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and know that i am also home to a busy, albeit slower paced, life and i relax and feel at peace.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
i am home with my Furry Beloveds and there are walkies to be had and suppers to be made and snuggling to be done.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and when it's lights out, they are still there with me, yes, on the bed, and i can reach out and get a kiss.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
if i have a nightmare they wake me from it. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
they are not therapy dogs.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
they just love me.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and i love them.</div>
abandonedsoulshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06020499806998154330noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6580898742645753422.post-64389547416080867442015-04-14T20:35:00.001-04:002015-04-14T20:35:42.617-04:00melancholiai'm down. i don't know why. well, i do know why. i saw something on the social media venue of Facebook.<br />
<br />
sometimes they suggest or ask if you know someone based on facts you have given them. there was a woman i knew from a long time ago.<br />
<br />
a girl.<br />
<br />
from grade school. i knew her from 1st grade to 11th grade. i flipped through her photos and saw a photograph of her standing with another girl i knew from that same time period. they had both grown up in our town, stayed, and married brothers. they were "sisters" as well as sisters-in-law.<br />
<br />
there were also photographs of them standing with their husbands. and it hit me.<br />
<br />
these two girls i had grown up with were family. they had known each other for over 50 years. friends. family. sisters. they have roots in the town they grew up in. homes. lives. everything so familiar. so comforting. home.<br />
<br />
they were still home. they had created their own homes at home.<br />
<br />
they looked so happy. of course i have no way of knowing if they truly are happy; if they have longings or wistful dreams of having done something else. but in those one or two photographs i saw a sense of family and community and deep commitment to a place, land, people, town, to each other as a family that i have never known.<br />
<br />
and it has brought me down. i look at my life and do not see any security. i had to move so many times for various reasons. <br />
<br />
me. whose only childhood dream was of a forever home where i could be part of a church, a town, have lifelong neighbors and friends. a little house where i lived and loved and raised my family. a marriage where i was loved and loved. <br />
<br />
well, i got the love part right here at the end of my dragon's life. such a brief time so late. but i cherish it. and i miss it. i miss it so much that i ache.<br />
<br />
i miss his holding me. i miss his laugh. i miss just knowing he is there. because he's not there.<br />
<br />
he was home. no matter where we had to move, (and even in this marriage we had to move) i was home with him.<br />
<br />
home. it is such a strong word.<br />
<br />
there is a back story to all this that i will never tell anyone. it is a secret that haunts me and keeps me close to the darkness, too close. things have happened to me throughout my life that i wish i could part with, share with someone; but i can't. <br />
<br />
home. i wish he were here to hold me and make me feel like i was home.<br />
<br />
i will work through this but that is all. i am the creation; i am what is left due to all the things that have happened to me. <br />
<br />
i guess we all are.abandonedsoulshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06020499806998154330noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6580898742645753422.post-68920428183122497062015-03-21T09:48:00.001-04:002015-03-21T09:52:29.662-04:00Easter<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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it's almost Easter.</div>
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my grief has been with me for 6 years now.</div>
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i don't know if i can call it grief.</div>
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i am not in deep grief. it has been 6 years.</div>
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but i miss him and i call myself widow, not single.</div>
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i wear my wedding rings.</div>
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is what i feel grief? or have i moved on?</div>
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i haven't moved on from him but i have moved on with my life.</div>
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i'm not stagnant. i work. i consider my needs. i think about my family.</div>
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i make plans. i hope for things like a nice vacation,</div>
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pain control of my foot and my arm.</div>
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<br /></div>
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but it is Spring.</div>
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it is Easter, almost.</div>
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it is a time to reflect and rejoice.</div>
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i have so much to be grateful for. </div>
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<br /></div>
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i have these guys. my roomies.</div>
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i love my Carmen Sophia and Scootie Wootums.</div>
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we cuddle, walk, talk; we live together, truly live our lives.</div>
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we dance and laugh and watch tv. they wait for me when i am at work and rush home to them. </div>
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<img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFYQQSAcYZjbN4IiXiTgoWFtp14Z3bAqW5QgQTeXOybeiyK_0X5YD6o_aNV4XbM0fXw-d93f_AR4qGl8gFKQq6EMJ7UZ_r_PERHkOqaEv0h8ZVWKrQ8JjHBdmHV3e_eOWlyEGyNuxPXA/s1600/puppies!!.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></div>
<br />
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i love them so very much.</div>
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<br /></div>
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i have my son who is so wonderful. i am so proud of him.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
he has a great job and would do anything for me.</div>
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he helped me buy my car. he got me my new fancy phone.</div>
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he calls me once or twice a week.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
most of all that is so important to me,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
he confides in me. he tells me things.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
he treats me like his mom and not his aging mother.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOY7w83FDKuV2UfUIJ1Z0l88VN20yZjzFJvHTkBQI3JGYu8glBCsfMK1iILjDffYVthydkoI1_Q-7xWW3NY58GXqxH_0_r1NN7ovmKS83OT0M3pfrIBakrIsAVrZsmQJDemgM6e7Teew/s1600/sean+at+crush+games+aug+2014+b.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOY7w83FDKuV2UfUIJ1Z0l88VN20yZjzFJvHTkBQI3JGYu8glBCsfMK1iILjDffYVthydkoI1_Q-7xWW3NY58GXqxH_0_r1NN7ovmKS83OT0M3pfrIBakrIsAVrZsmQJDemgM6e7Teew/s1600/sean+at+crush+games+aug+2014+b.jpg" height="212" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
i love him so very much.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
i have these two. my daughter and grandson.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
they bring such joy to my life.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
my daughter and i talk 2 - 3 times a day during my work days.</div>
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on my days off, we talk more than that.</div>
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and i go see her and help her out.</div>
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we play with Finn. we talk and talk as women will do.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
she worries about me and i worry about her.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
we are kindred spirits </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
as well as mother and daughter.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxlr8x2DRrbLLGeeSvI8mLDSVvOsWtxTdf_v5qWDk1gjuE1KFXgYi-5tUII1XVWtHAvLiw8m5UBYQR8YGkGiQgHyiv-cox9xhHld_Ty11cEHqyNNRjYWY8qt3gGm05p6wJgn5UKblfqg/s1600/IMG_9093.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxlr8x2DRrbLLGeeSvI8mLDSVvOsWtxTdf_v5qWDk1gjuE1KFXgYi-5tUII1XVWtHAvLiw8m5UBYQR8YGkGiQgHyiv-cox9xhHld_Ty11cEHqyNNRjYWY8qt3gGm05p6wJgn5UKblfqg/s1600/IMG_9093.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></a></div>
</div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
and i have my Sanctuary.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
a place of my own.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
a place i have made my own.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
a place i retreat to and feel safe.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjG94nCl_YaZMSunfx6uXt5NecKu0IPgR_qhiKgA1D5l_9PxG-e8Z6_86VErKChWxJzUl_9PffahQl-4PLa1BDbw24cXaPgcM12rO67wmRcSnOMXqv_lXxO-cWmOUWDuTcQuIDYs3mDjA/s1600/Sanctuary+e.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjG94nCl_YaZMSunfx6uXt5NecKu0IPgR_qhiKgA1D5l_9PxG-e8Z6_86VErKChWxJzUl_9PffahQl-4PLa1BDbw24cXaPgcM12rO67wmRcSnOMXqv_lXxO-cWmOUWDuTcQuIDYs3mDjA/s1600/Sanctuary+e.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
i miss him. i talk to him. i talk about him.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
am i still grieving?</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
i truly have no idea what to call it.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
i know i have so much to be happy about.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
do i wish he were here to be a part of it?</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
yes.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
am i over his death?</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
i am over the fear and shock.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
but i am not over him not being here.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
do i deal with it in a healthy way.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
i don't know what someone would call this, but this works for me.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
i wish everyone a happy Spring.</div>
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i wish those who believe a happy Easter.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
peace to all who read. peace and light to all who grieve.</div>
abandonedsoulshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06020499806998154330noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6580898742645753422.post-16407488540733006322015-02-09T15:50:00.001-05:002015-02-09T15:50:36.272-05:006 years<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi47cSbVXilsX8n02N1aJ5GfAaClbnY-hllJg-4KcyRN27ScXJq0NjT68wl1YW_ku4Sa83bxYRl3SvCOnxBrdgeBHou6g5q8B41Q6sTi0kjJiqor0iiEYhxK0k3mhFSc5TKzTA5CJrT9A/s1600/death+of+a+loved+one.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi47cSbVXilsX8n02N1aJ5GfAaClbnY-hllJg-4KcyRN27ScXJq0NjT68wl1YW_ku4Sa83bxYRl3SvCOnxBrdgeBHou6g5q8B41Q6sTi0kjJiqor0iiEYhxK0k3mhFSc5TKzTA5CJrT9A/s1600/death+of+a+loved+one.jpg" height="320" width="259" /></a></div>
<span class="null"></span><br />
<br />
<span class="null">i am still grieving. <br />
<br />
i have found my footing, i think. i am living. i work and visit my daughter and grandson. i live with my dogs and take care of them. i take care of me as best as i can. but what is hidden behind a smile can be a terrible thing.<br />
<br />
a widow i knew only online, and through fairly regular phone calls over these 6 years killed herself in January on her wedding anniversary. her daughter called me. it seems my friend apologized to me in her note for not being able to stay. she left my phone number so i could be told in a quiet phone call on a random Wednesday while driving to work.<br />
<br />
my heart is shattered. new grief on top of old grief. the loneliness of this journey just got lonelier. and darker. i wish she had called me. i wish, i wish, i wish. "if wishes were horses, then beggars could ride."<br />
<br />
a widower i met once but have kept up with through Facebook has received some terrible news. his new husband is critically ill. no real way of knowing how it could go.<br />
<br />
i have kept myself to myself today, the anniversary of my own husband's death, but i had to reach out to this man. i wrote to him that i was keeping him in my prayers. his response was one of great fear and worry; of trying to keep it in check. new grief on top of old grief.<br />
<br />
i wrote back to him and felt it appropriate to put here for myself, for him, for any of us who grieve. this is what i wrote to him: </span><br /><span class="null"></span><span class="null"><i>love never breaks. it breaks down. it cries. it
even curses fate sometimes. but it never breaks.</i><br />
<br />
<i>i met you for a
brief time. we only got the chance to sit and speak for a very, very
short time, but i remember you. i remember feeling your soul in your
words i got to see the real you looking into your eyes. in your voice
was sorrow and grief but a strength i wish i had had so early on in my
own grief. when your hand held mine for a quiet moment as i cried, i
felt your own courage and the solitude that i had been living in slipped
away, if only for that moment. you gave me a moment of comfort and it
has lasted me these 6 long years.</i><br />
<br />
<i>i have been very much alone with my
grief throughout but when i feel despair; when i feel the solitude
crushing down; when it hits me very hard that i have no one to really
talk to; i remember those few minutes with you.</i><br />
<br />
<i>you have inside
you an old soul, but also the resiliency of a young one. you have the
ability to keep the candle of hope lit on a very windy, stormy, dark
night. cry when you have to. be angry and question when you need to.
but know that breaking down is not breaking. it merely gives you the
chance to catch your breath so you can stand up stronger to face
whatever comes your way.</i><br />
<br />
we draw on what little we get to keep ourselves going; to keep ourselves warm; to light the darkness.<br />
<br />
6 years later i still break down. i still cry. i still miss him. <br />
<br />
i am still adjusting the way i think of things. i think i always will.<br />
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_jfFsI9Y6hwgpBTGAn5AP63OJ919rBWLn8ObIVXmLy9WIcbgRFCMQVGI4CoZ9GMD2thYuAiB71F5pEUxVftaRkOaEM1SsVYbmV7Ue9wEfOql0gDNR4cpUa48MF8AkU-LPncYi7ZnxMg/s1600/6+years+gone.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_jfFsI9Y6hwgpBTGAn5AP63OJ919rBWLn8ObIVXmLy9WIcbgRFCMQVGI4CoZ9GMD2thYuAiB71F5pEUxVftaRkOaEM1SsVYbmV7Ue9wEfOql0gDNR4cpUa48MF8AkU-LPncYi7ZnxMg/s1600/6+years+gone.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a></div>
</span><br />
<br />
<span class="null">i have been asked questions with a "do you" and "why." here are my answers.</span><br />
<br />
<span class="null">yes, i still wear my wedding rings. because if feels right. </span><br />
<span class="null">no, the thought of someone else does not enter my mind. because it does not feel right.</span><br />
<br />
<span class="null">i will love him all the days of my life. </span><br />
<span class="null"><br /></span>
<span class="null">peace to all who read. peace and light to all who grieve.</span><br />
<span class="null"></span><br />
<span class="null"></span><br />
<span class="null"></span><br />
<span class="null"></span><br />
<span class="null"><br /></span>
<br />
<i><span class="null"></span></i>abandonedsoulshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06020499806998154330noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6580898742645753422.post-45773370104113208472014-12-14T20:11:00.000-05:002014-12-14T20:17:10.243-05:00Christmas letters<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
my dearest Dragon,</div>
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<br /></div>
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it is Christmas time again. this will be my 6th Christmas without you. no one knows this; funny how people just assume it's "better," that it's all okay now, but it is still so very hard without you.</div>
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<br /></div>
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you loved Christmas. it was your time to really settle back and reflect, enjoy, accept, and sigh with happiness that we were married, that you and i were us. it was the closing of the year and you always looked to a brighter tomorrow. always. it was simply your nature. and your gift to me.</div>
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<br /></div>
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what has changed since you've died? my hair is more silver now. i'm much thinner, by 45 pounds. i'm overall healthier. i do everything the doctor says with regards to my diabetes and blood pressure. i do hurt a lot. my knees, my feet, my hands. also my right arm is pretty bad off but can't really do anything about it more than i am doing. i cannot afford the time nor the financial obligation that would come with having the surgery so i live with the pain. the pain is nothing compared to the pain of being without you. {time has not diminished my memories of your laugh, your touch, your glance.} </div>
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<img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1AT39tA6X9I-1_iIW6sx8V6gt4t069dDZdYCT5hyphenhyphenKVEmn8ilnx0REaqPEZ0ArwNb6pZjpi3LBSUiCc4oXHCzCTSJWw6QrNvFyZnbS_9zf0mJoJ-G_y0cEW54JM-i6ElMI0i1nISHz6g/s1600/hug.jpg" height="320" width="228" /> </div>
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<br /></div>
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i work very
hard at a retail job. it is demeaning at times and other times, it
seems like i touch people's lives with a grace that feels nice to give. </div>
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i have a grandson that is the light of my life. curious, joyful, innocent. he is the best of all of us rolled into one small soul. Christmas will be nicer with him here. i wish you could be with us. i know you already know him, probably met him up in Heaven right before he was born. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUR56D5VeYMYRCRPSWyc7tt-pJLNPA_vXVUT6fvBdGsmPNoZnd3QCJ-qj85uSstMany1SJkCGTEjXqvi7TxDPE-TTd1rFT2et0H1PlSEhNyu2ITW4r_JW15t7rsTWjZbOg-L7MhwFOFQ/s1600/fluffy+snowball.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUR56D5VeYMYRCRPSWyc7tt-pJLNPA_vXVUT6fvBdGsmPNoZnd3QCJ-qj85uSstMany1SJkCGTEjXqvi7TxDPE-TTd1rFT2et0H1PlSEhNyu2ITW4r_JW15t7rsTWjZbOg-L7MhwFOFQ/s1600/fluffy+snowball.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></a></div>
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our two rescue dogs, Carmen Sophia and Scootie Wootums are still with me. we are besties. they sleep on the bed with me. they wait for me to come home from work. we hang out. i adore them. they are my confidants, my roomies, my friends, my family as well. and they are both getting older. i see the slow fading starting with them. it is going to devastate me when they pass. i won't be able to handle it and yet somehow i will carry on but ..... such huge pieces of me are being taken. all the "headstones along the way."</div>
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my "courage is lesser to do and dare." i'm getting older. creeping up on 6 years since you died in Feb. of 2009. i don't feel as deeply as i used to but then i think maybe i feel too deeply and i cannot let it show. i keep it hidden. i find myself calming myself, telling myself to breathe.</div>
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i keep going. i simply keep going. i do not want to die yet. i want to see my grandson get older. i want to see my son find a girl and get married. i want to sit quiet and watch everyone. i simply want to be a quiet part of it all. take pictures. smile. keep it all inside. cherish it. so that maybe, just maybe, someone or something doesn't take anymore away from me.</div>
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merry Christmas, my love. i am still married to you. i have not taken off my rings. i find i cannot. i still adore you. you still are, and ever will be, my magnificent Dragon.</div>
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love,</div>
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your Bunny.</div>
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~~</div>
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<i>My lovely, soulful, gentle Bunny,</i></div>
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<i>You are still my beautiful Bunny as much as I am still your Dragon. I do watch over you every day. I am the one who helps Carmen and Scootie still be able to leap up into bed beside you. To keep you warm. To keep you company.</i></div>
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<i>Yes, I met our grandson. He's just like you. Everyone sees his mother in him, his great grandfather, but later on, when he's learned to talk, when he's older and interacts with his family and the world, they will all see that he is just like you. He is gentle and an observer. He will love animals and colors and see the world like you do; because he will look to you as much as he looks to his mother for this. She is her mother's daughter and together, you and she will guide him and he will be a beautiful soul. He will change the world one person at a time, just like you do. You do not see how your kindness affects the people you meet through your job.</i></div>
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<i>I wish I could be there to help ease your aches and pains. I wish I could fix your arm. I wish, oh how I wish I could be there with you. But know that, as much as I can, I am with you. You made it Christmas every day for me with your love. </i></div>
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<i>I am now and evermore your husband. Remember my promise to you, my wedding vow? It wasn't "till death do us part." It was "until the sun grows cold and the stars grow old." So look to the heavens. The sun still burns hot and the stars are all still so very young. You and I have Eternity.</i></div>
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<i>~ Dragon </i></div>
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<br />abandonedsoulshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06020499806998154330noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6580898742645753422.post-80028762651166783442014-11-13T14:49:00.001-05:002014-11-13T14:49:28.671-05:00enlightenmentit has been 5 years 9 months. <br />
<br />
i am doing okay. i still stress about work, money. even though i have improved my living situation, {i love my Sanctuary} i have lingering fears that bad things will happen. it's a sickness that i struggle with daily. i'm working on it.<br />
<br />
i miss him and i think of him. not constantly but every day. i wonder where he is ~ really. i wonder how he feels, what he's doing, if anything. all the stories and movies in the world cannot tell you what being gone from this life is truly like.<br />
<br />
only when we ourselves pass will we know. enlightenment. finally finding out.<br />
<br />
will he be there waiting for me? will God be there and ........ will He accept me as i am?<br />
<br />
enlightenment. scary stuff.<br />
<br />
because when it is my time to go, i cannot say "let me stay a little longer."<br />
<br />
because when i go, i'll finally know.<br />
<br />
and once you know, you cannot un-know it.<br />
<br />
i'm hurting inside. i guess you can tell.abandonedsoulshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06020499806998154330noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6580898742645753422.post-53191240299706813072014-10-12T16:22:00.000-04:002014-10-12T16:22:50.090-04:00in the company of loneliness<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
for those who asked: my Sanctuary at the moment. still working on it.</div>
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looking down into my foyer. the hanging on the door to the right blocks the window that looks into the garage.</div>
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<img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5sHSVqq3MWvE4vz_ymAJksmqsmR_czOHadSKuMJ18SRP2T_5DJtBJq57q_xSFaLZjXD7rpq2jMi882GFPJW-HGwNQySI9MgIIWy2vY2gPnrUTpP44McaNccaeLeXY_RJEHKhKkChiRw/s1600/sanctuary+-+foyer+c.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></div>
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still working on it, most of my boxes are unpacked and most of the painting is done.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmWwYaPSyMSqlGqEFUhPehew7oBC_IRX6X3CIL7YFvlU60xf4MHb-Yo-4frbjKLRGOEiQr4gDgNPswqAYcGow72tjFfhwkrhG0OTasMkifSDz3iiRpxboRr2MGNXoa-CSY55Rp28yxOw/s1600/sanctuary+octo+b.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmWwYaPSyMSqlGqEFUhPehew7oBC_IRX6X3CIL7YFvlU60xf4MHb-Yo-4frbjKLRGOEiQr4gDgNPswqAYcGow72tjFfhwkrhG0OTasMkifSDz3iiRpxboRr2MGNXoa-CSY55Rp28yxOw/s1600/sanctuary+octo+b.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a></div>
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i do have almost all my beloved books out in places....like here</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhh_1esNuBF8Il8P43Ne05W81-Uxjo351eouumSzVk6s57ux8ZZqRvq8qXHN-_J3MDkMabcXasO4i20Ld4fjITiIzm8d7xrgGarvnN2UCmFDMGrDbg_m33v945OkEc-QiUG2E2vkeyMyw/s1600/sanctuary+octo+c.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhh_1esNuBF8Il8P43Ne05W81-Uxjo351eouumSzVk6s57ux8ZZqRvq8qXHN-_J3MDkMabcXasO4i20Ld4fjITiIzm8d7xrgGarvnN2UCmFDMGrDbg_m33v945OkEc-QiUG2E2vkeyMyw/s1600/sanctuary+octo+c.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a></div>
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and the stairwell.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJNtBNtKG0kei2lmVygCEKej2RfkBffSbSpt3KGUHD4pdpJZRSa4c7FAVdOqqi7qqHDTeoANxDG7xZl5Dumhyphenhyphenu4SdQ68l4EvQDb_3xj2aQdjsXLLdGe3oj0dux1etWwvE8vXOHyPV97w/s1600/library+stairs.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJNtBNtKG0kei2lmVygCEKej2RfkBffSbSpt3KGUHD4pdpJZRSa4c7FAVdOqqi7qqHDTeoANxDG7xZl5Dumhyphenhyphenu4SdQ68l4EvQDb_3xj2aQdjsXLLdGe3oj0dux1etWwvE8vXOHyPV97w/s1600/library+stairs.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></a></div>
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these photos are a couple of weeks old and more has been done...</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUnILGaH8yXZw-k89tV0k5Tk9D5_0BXLK_y16h-LgJTwu5z9_G1mk7CY81G_gJfkIp6TyRjnxJXM-SvfNIAo0dsD8qdmgIcS3lHvSeItliStbmbSZJ__FF4ooqFo8oRXd_pnP-FFeA_g/s1600/sanctuary+bed.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgUnILGaH8yXZw-k89tV0k5Tk9D5_0BXLK_y16h-LgJTwu5z9_G1mk7CY81G_gJfkIp6TyRjnxJXM-SvfNIAo0dsD8qdmgIcS3lHvSeItliStbmbSZJ__FF4ooqFo8oRXd_pnP-FFeA_g/s1600/sanctuary+bed.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a></div>
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but i haven't posted in a while and wanted to let any readers who may still be out there that</div>
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i am still here.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhF-j5vaPonGDvozDg6SeK6O_DvUpTSp5yQTAsPcAryL5jyXj2dWh7Vvwaieyryqo0sCLL478iUKYykWCR2ejAAU6mY6RyUf4agGBlEgpxWT4jtr_DEJufZfyKaKvlTGtJbdIJXrKMKsA/s1600/IMG_6665.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhF-j5vaPonGDvozDg6SeK6O_DvUpTSp5yQTAsPcAryL5jyXj2dWh7Vvwaieyryqo0sCLL478iUKYykWCR2ejAAU6mY6RyUf4agGBlEgpxWT4jtr_DEJufZfyKaKvlTGtJbdIJXrKMKsA/s1600/IMG_6665.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></a></div>
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i love my Sanctuary. it's more than home, it really is a place to come hide, to relax, to be myself. i do feel safe here. </div>
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i miss him a great deal but missing him is like walking and talking with someone who truly understands what i've been through/am going through. i talk to him about things. mostly i talk to myself though. i am talking to my grief which resides inside me; deep inside me where i do not let anyone see.</div>
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people expect me to "miss" my husband. but they do not understand the depth of that loss as it plays out for me on a daily basis. i would love some "magic tea." {you would have to be a reader from the beginning to understand that one.} i would love to take a walk with him around here. i would dearly love to have his advice, thoughts on my ever-aching arm ~ la tennis elbow that i cannot get fixed.</div>
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i miss all the minute things that go in to being part of a mated pair. i am lost out here but that intense loneliness i feel is almost like company.</div>
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i walk my dogs in the silence that surrounds my rural Sanctuary and feel the wind on my skin, through my hair, pulling on my jacket. it feels wonderful. the warmth of the setting sun on my face and the feel of the coolness of the rising darkness on my back make me feel small but important. it's a communing with nature coupled with the gratefulness in my heart for where i live now that i think is healing.</div>
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i am a widow. i have no pull for being with others, for dates, for outings. i take myself out to supper if i wish to go and i go in the company of a book. i do what i want without fretting anymore about friendships from anyone. i talk to my Dragon and to myself about how i feel and know that no one; no therapist, no support group, no counselor will ever take the time to know me and my story to be there for me. i <b><i><u>can</u></i></b> do this alone. </div>
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there was a time when there were no grief therapists, no support groups, or counselors. people grieved their own way all the time. the first 3 years were hard and i tried to find someone, believing that i needed outside help. being rebuffed time and again, i would return home to lick my wounds and feel bad about myself. i would feel unworthy, unimportant.</div>
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as more time passed, now 5 years, 8 months, i have struggled for my job, this place, and my right to be who i am. so many others, grieving ships that have passed me in the darkness leaving me on my makeshift raft, but you know? i'm doing okay.</div>
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i have my daughter, son, and grandson. i have two little dogs who love my unconditionally. i am working at a job that is trying to drain my strength both physically and emotionally but i do not let it. someone can crush a flower, grind it into the dirt, and in a little while, a tiny green shoot comes up again. like a tiny little middle finger flipping us all off. i love that about flowers.</div>
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i am still grieving. i always will. but it is not an unhealthy grief. it is the missing of someone who cannot be replaced, who cannot be forgotten, who will never be out of my life. i love him. he was an awesome man.</div>
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i am grieving and lonely at times, but that loneliness keeps me company. i know it so well. and it knows me. i can talk a lot to it and it listens to me. it nods it's head understanding what i am feeling.</div>
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it lets the wind caress my hair. it has the sun shine on my face and warm it for those last few moments before it sets.</div>
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it also keeps the cool, rising darkness at my back. </div>
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i said it was company. i never said we were friends.</div>
abandonedsoulshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06020499806998154330noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6580898742645753422.post-81919009557307831032014-08-14T21:42:00.001-04:002014-08-14T21:42:54.905-04:00finding home<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
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</div>
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the word home can bring about deep feelings.</div>
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we all want a home, to feel at home, we all have ideas of what home is,</div>
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of what it looks like.</div>
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i have been blessed with the opportunity to create a home for myself.</div>
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i am unpacking as fast as my work schedule allows me to.</div>
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here is one photo.</div>
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<img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjI3xnLwxS22wp0n6RvUg_v3udbqdOfDhpcOupJtoinNEPV4z3GUiKW_WHXCUhkDPFE1sgyZAhoPV9-8oXyhxmDQyClVCWBqhuKaWzDQmlv726NF1sj7CpESJWbBIxU_S7UTibhhcaBYg/s1600/aug+11+d+inside.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></div>
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give me a little more time and i will post more.</div>
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<br /></div>
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but back to finding home.</div>
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i have my sanctuary now. it will be where i go to get away from the world.</div>
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it's a quiet place IN a quiet location.</div>
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just as quietly i love this place.</div>
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when i get finished painting and unpacking, it will look like the inside of my heart.</div>
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once you see it, you will have seen me.</div>
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but home.....</div>
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truly home was with him.</div>
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in his arms.</div>
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in his eyesight.</div>
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within the warmth of his smile. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_BOJcedo4x1i6_AaOyR2dkfDxm8140Kp5iqSy5ctsNs7Z4EjUwWYNdA3ufF-70tdGHeXejJ7HMazuJEpLy-Xg5kw6OzjAZL3TYefa5guGBYhhBSd_f7Yubezb80BBdyxPLcmi9PFLrQ/s1600/my+beautiful+Carl+a.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_BOJcedo4x1i6_AaOyR2dkfDxm8140Kp5iqSy5ctsNs7Z4EjUwWYNdA3ufF-70tdGHeXejJ7HMazuJEpLy-Xg5kw6OzjAZL3TYefa5guGBYhhBSd_f7Yubezb80BBdyxPLcmi9PFLrQ/s1600/my+beautiful+Carl+a.jpg" height="320" width="235" /></a></div>
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i quietly got through his birthday and our wedding anniversary.</div>
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i got through the 5.5 year mark.</div>
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i got through another full moon.</div>
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i have found my sanctuary here now.</div>
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i pray it lasts for a long time.</div>
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i need some peace and feeling of safety in my life.</div>
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i am still searching for home.</div>
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it is him.</div>
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so i guess let me say it differently.</div>
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i am waiting for home.</div>
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i am waiting for the chance to find him.</div>
abandonedsoulshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06020499806998154330noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6580898742645753422.post-32205690222701376332014-07-09T19:52:00.000-04:002014-07-09T19:52:06.093-04:00sanctuary<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
i am starting the move to my sanctuary.</div>
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i have pictures.</div>
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i'm painting it and making it my own. </div>
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<img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgo5FPoL572RKQSXF_jnPK3BId4SDenlIcWdKrK46Ck7c0ujf5ZI0RPfWR2Q9KTPVJfoZcdynb-M14FHPIyZznvAdqBlaC35hsvx43lZn3D6D72ckdMIXtpy5A5pIJ7LOpg5Ww-uYXi-g/s1600/Wed.+a+.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkFJDIg2k01Zjmb3by4K559-eG9k8ss5CwDWDg3u4mO6FQbmEFhVIZWndBxEC-FOpFXW7-0vxL5I3xYpJKDggUsk6L4nrVRqTi39WziGFhmQx4NhVc45U9-DhFyuZjHsNkHoogQDk0fQ/s1600/c.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkFJDIg2k01Zjmb3by4K559-eG9k8ss5CwDWDg3u4mO6FQbmEFhVIZWndBxEC-FOpFXW7-0vxL5I3xYpJKDggUsk6L4nrVRqTi39WziGFhmQx4NhVc45U9-DhFyuZjHsNkHoogQDk0fQ/s1600/c.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a></div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
the walls of the stairwell will be lavender.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMEy5wXKHTBgmHWNo2tB4rvaZhz8giuzRELMswoOHITeTtc8OQAFQ_c3ZzlTW5zvsGb3vv4Q92gPs6uSFU4qgSx2JSEX9VJsPQJMmiXjSLOCuE-PqI-QxfPVMyEV0gPForgF2z6_viIg/s1600/Wed.+d.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMEy5wXKHTBgmHWNo2tB4rvaZhz8giuzRELMswoOHITeTtc8OQAFQ_c3ZzlTW5zvsGb3vv4Q92gPs6uSFU4qgSx2JSEX9VJsPQJMmiXjSLOCuE-PqI-QxfPVMyEV0gPForgF2z6_viIg/s1600/Wed.+d.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6QvsmowR4nL9s2pcsJ2hb-hY3ypRrZ1FWmcMAuX_cXaWqx4aDhRX2R_MvIbuIOATmahYe_VEFViOzx55YZKKY7YQaTpA2UBRTaieF70kZ9tu4bFeD_Ig8gWrUZO6dAJ9M10g_gFROUg/s1600/b.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6QvsmowR4nL9s2pcsJ2hb-hY3ypRrZ1FWmcMAuX_cXaWqx4aDhRX2R_MvIbuIOATmahYe_VEFViOzx55YZKKY7YQaTpA2UBRTaieF70kZ9tu4bFeD_Ig8gWrUZO6dAJ9M10g_gFROUg/s1600/b.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
my street.</div>
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<br /></div>
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i'll be moving in by August 1st.</div>
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<br /></div>
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i am in love with this space, with the yard, the street,</div>
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the peace and quiet.</div>
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i will post more photos as i get moved in.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
i just wanted anyone who still reads this blog to know</div>
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that i am doing this; that this is my choice.</div>
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this is part of my journey to find a place for me that is all mine.</div>
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<br /></div>
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i got the transfer to the new store.</div>
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my fingers are crossed for a gentler life.</div>
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for a quieter life.</div>
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for a less stress-filled life.</div>
abandonedsoulshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06020499806998154330noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6580898742645753422.post-30548931796881981072014-06-14T20:16:00.000-04:002014-06-14T20:16:41.916-04:00change in the air<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
there are changes in the air for me. the possibility of chances to do different, be different.</div>
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okay, not really be different but to live differently.</div>
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i went on a job interview that looks promising.</div>
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we'll see. it's a process.</div>
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<br /></div>
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i am waiting to see if i can transfer to a different store, a store closer to me.</div>
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<br /></div>
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i am going to really try to play a bit of golf here and there.</div>
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<img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh38_rHt06ESIEplz8_sKEWN97F1TZdAM9TkRfaB1FKOJ6fDMZ-i5upd_KK_3SArGYAB6BkgFD4fcOZ4cc-c7siaiPJuPRwdaLZzEQGHsMcTUOrrsZkG61QTB5aul6sqJMSe2fJzYYRNA/s1600/golf+on+the+brain.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></div>
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<br /></div>
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it's something i really like to do.</div>
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<br /></div>
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and i have the opportunity to move to a different place, a cheaper place.</div>
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<br /></div>
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i'll have to do all this when the time presents itself.</div>
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nothing can be hurried.</div>
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i want to make the right decision.</div>
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i want to make a good decision for myself.</div>
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i want to live more simply and try to start saving money.</div>
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the apartment is over someone's garage.</div>
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and it would be much smaller and considerably cheaper,</div>
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and a lot more private.</div>
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i'm going to go look at it on Monday evening.</div>
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i'm excited about it.</div>
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<br /></div>
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i got to see my son again.</div>
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today.</div>
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he is working the U.S. Open {he works for the Golf Channel}.</div>
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he got me a ticket to get in.</div>
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he got a bit of time off to show me around.</div>
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he drove us in a golf cart to some exclusive areas that he, by virtue of the Golf Channel,</div>
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could get us into.</div>
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it was very nice.</div>
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he was so proud to be able to do this for me.</div>
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i was just so happy to be with him.</div>
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i love him beyond words.</div>
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he and my daughter are my everything.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
my longing for my Dragon is still there though.</div>
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it is a quieter longing.</div>
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it is a soft whisper when i am alone.</div>
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it is the sigh from my lips in a silent room.</div>
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the television is off.</div>
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the lights are low for sleep.</div>
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it is the heavy awareness that he is so far removed my where i am now.</div>
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or i am so far from where he was, where we were when he died.</div>
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and my heart breaks a little bit more. </div>
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</div>
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i'm fine. i have some chances here to make my situation a little better,</div>
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and i will be grateful and content.</div>
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but i still miss him.</div>
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i wish he were here to share in this with me.</div>
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he's gone.</div>
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he died.</div>
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and i accept that.</div>
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but i worry about him.</div>
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{not a crisis of faith, just being human}</div>
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i love him very much.</div>
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i miss him.</div>
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i miss our marriage.</div>
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i miss our friendship.</div>
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yes, still. </div>
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<br /></div>
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there is a change in the air.</div>
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i am hoping and, yes, praying, that things work out for me.</div>
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i really need them to.</div>
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but wherever i go,</div>
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whatever changes take place,</div>
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or don't take place,</div>
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i still love him and feel married to him.</div>
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i'm not looking to make any changes in that area of my life.</div>
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<br /></div>
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<i>summer is here again, my love.</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>and i still love you. </i> </div>
abandonedsoulshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06020499806998154330noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6580898742645753422.post-13158399620377569502014-05-27T20:43:00.000-04:002014-05-28T06:08:39.372-04:00time<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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</div>
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there is nothing to stop time and life from moving on.</div>
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certainly not grief.</div>
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life just keeps going.</div>
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bills must be paid.</div>
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chores must be done.</div>
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you just do it while you hurt.</div>
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<br /></div>
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the thing now is to find the smiles,</div>
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the tiny things that make the passing of time,</div>
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the moving away from the moment of his death,</div>
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the realization that my life is forever changed,</div>
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those things that make me okay ~ for the time being.</div>
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<br /></div>
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she could be any young mother holding her baby looking out the window.</div>
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it could be from any time period.</div>
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i took it today while i was over visiting her and my grandson.</div>
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she is my baby. my oldest child.</div>
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all grown up.</div>
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time passed.</div>
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i turned around and she grew up.</div>
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she married.</div>
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she is now a mother.</div>
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the little girl with the long, tangled hair who</div>
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loved to wear tutus over her jeans and sang so loudly to our dog</div>
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had left me for a time as she did all the adult things of college, work, getting married.<br />
she was as gone as if she walked into the forest to never come back.</div>
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but i see her again</div>
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as she discovers the magic of being young again.</div>
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she sings to her son.</div>
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she holds him and cuddles him.</div>
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she talks to him about ducks and flowers and ladybugs. </div>
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</div>
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<img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjrx3c5RNMk0PZl56Kx_ksCGrbG9YEOAuPwKNBAIo8TJgTfzySIw579Nz5PlAM7VpjBIZRRX4TFovez__EsYDKD3411FSRWCAaeB6AdKncbv663z7RV6nA2Ts7M5DavcFx7mjEw2Ydog/s1600/mother+and+child.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></div>
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she sings the songs i used to sing to her and her brother.</div>
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she carries him around and doesn't put him down for a nap,</div>
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but lets him nap on her,</div>
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as i used to do her and her brother.</div>
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she says she remembers how i was when she was little</div>
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and she wants to do the same thing for her son.</div>
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i got teary.</div>
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we hugged and she asked me to teach her the words to a song she remembers the tune to but not the words.</div>
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so i taught it to her today.</div>
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that's what she was singing when i took the photo of them.</div>
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<br /></div>
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time will pass.</div>
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the sun will rise and it will set</div>
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all without him here.</div>
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but he is here with me.</div>
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i don't feel him near as in a presence.</div>
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i simply acknowledge to my quiet life that i love him.</div>
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and always will.</div>
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<br /></div>
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i work a lot and very hard.</div>
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but when i am home, i read, sew, and do it all while sitting with my lovely, furry roommates.</div>
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this is how we roll.</div>
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comfy on the sofa.</div>
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together.</div>
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snuggle buddies.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJSMjisVuTozEYFHa9DE_ljm5rQkKfPxATpkLCsMngCEsnIYrfoP6acC7XVCBIjfg4AQ6tkXn1-STR07_tMoJhN0aMB-zGzuT-mOjUqb7IwqKAnl4rwo7iaaa64NUOQshA0xM4ktq04w/s1600/housework+can+wait..jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJSMjisVuTozEYFHa9DE_ljm5rQkKfPxATpkLCsMngCEsnIYrfoP6acC7XVCBIjfg4AQ6tkXn1-STR07_tMoJhN0aMB-zGzuT-mOjUqb7IwqKAnl4rwo7iaaa64NUOQshA0xM4ktq04w/s1600/housework+can+wait..jpg" height="320" width="240" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
but again i can see the passing of time; that cold, careless, unsympathetic torturer of relationships.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
my gentle Scootie Wootums is getting older. i can see his soft little face getting whiter.</div>
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he can't leap like he used to.</div>
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he likes to lay in the sunshine so that the warmth seeps into his bones.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6GqkS70cMlqhqKdbgHz5Evz63Lvvzhm1wHCjD1-tl4oWXw7gggyDCECdrn68TGNnkYg_NkkcLUbiJXFQYrHoKHFDZZuluAOAhg52zeRVPsbM1czXWteTpMO_f9qB8uUPBjEsCoMXAeg/s1600/Scootie+Wootums+my+sweet+boy+a.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6GqkS70cMlqhqKdbgHz5Evz63Lvvzhm1wHCjD1-tl4oWXw7gggyDCECdrn68TGNnkYg_NkkcLUbiJXFQYrHoKHFDZZuluAOAhg52zeRVPsbM1czXWteTpMO_f9qB8uUPBjEsCoMXAeg/s1600/Scootie+Wootums+my+sweet+boy+a.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
i understand that kind of pain.</div>
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i hurt deep in my back.</div>
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i hurt deep in my arms, my hands, and my knees are failing.</div>
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but i cannot stop working.</div>
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i have to provide for myself.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
my sweet Carmen Sophia is getting older as well. she and Scootie are litter mates.</div>
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they have only been separated once.</div>
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they were sold to different homes as puppies and grieved for each other.</div>
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they were returned to the breeder because they refused to eat.</div>
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once together again, they were happy.</div>
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i was called because i was on the list as a rescuer of dogs, given mostly senior dogs who were abandoned due to age.</div>
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so i took them in as puppies and have had the privilege of being in their lives all their lives.</div>
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and now, they are both older than i am. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLRX8pHj6wFK51FbmTmxUV8mlmUaFrC_fbpzqyDPk50xNzZ_xBdaWGJH5HdbRZw0jBolPPJpA10t4VmRvRs50oqd9QqBgKzpvNXs922a0rPyDJt1KHbbS9WNKNeDpVAHj0b-0EV7gUiQ/s1600/carmen+sophia+my+sweetness.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLRX8pHj6wFK51FbmTmxUV8mlmUaFrC_fbpzqyDPk50xNzZ_xBdaWGJH5HdbRZw0jBolPPJpA10t4VmRvRs50oqd9QqBgKzpvNXs922a0rPyDJt1KHbbS9WNKNeDpVAHj0b-0EV7gUiQ/s1600/carmen+sophia+my+sweetness.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
time marches on and it's crushing me to see them get old.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
i know what's coming.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
so i take pictures.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
i have so many pictures over our years together.</div>
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i love these dogs like i've loved no other that i have had in my life.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and i have deeply loved all my dogs.</div>
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i do not know how i will handle their passing.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
but i will have to find a way.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
time is not an enemy. it simply is.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
i try every day to appreciate the few who remain in my life.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
i adore my Carmen Sophia and Scootie Wootums.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and i adore my daughter, my son, and my grandson.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjN97pqDnfH0l32MN7z4fvqHTmvuxBlBSOeELk0yrxAsC37UfPqsS_zXhwK83pELTLSTAXKh3ZBuaMNhn7HBeIlu-QdCdBYnr568uAkkAMFqO5v4BQE6-5nSbpIMlL4XPWQUJh0xfI1Nw/s1600/b+together+5+1+14.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjN97pqDnfH0l32MN7z4fvqHTmvuxBlBSOeELk0yrxAsC37UfPqsS_zXhwK83pELTLSTAXKh3ZBuaMNhn7HBeIlu-QdCdBYnr568uAkkAMFqO5v4BQE6-5nSbpIMlL4XPWQUJh0xfI1Nw/s1600/b+together+5+1+14.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
time will pass and i will grow old.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
but i have them.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and they make time worthwhile.</div>
abandonedsoulshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06020499806998154330noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6580898742645753422.post-56478723483037265402014-04-15T07:27:00.003-04:002014-04-15T07:35:18.566-04:00the years not spent together<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
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i miss him.</div>
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i don't know if other widows or widowers; others who have lost their mate, their partner, do this, but i see other couples and i feel a twinge of, not envy, but longing.</div>
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i miss him.</div>
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it doesn't happen often, but i sometimes see couples who are truly mated. perfect partners in life.</div>
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there is an obvious bond between them and i know they are a match.</div>
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like he and i were.</div>
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and all the feelings come rushing back of what we had together and i ache with longing for him.</div>
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i want to talk to him again.</div>
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i want to hold his hand.</div>
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i want to go to the grocery store with him.</div>
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simple things.</div>
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the everyday things that make up a life with someone.</div>
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<br /></div>
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i miss the years i would have had with him.</div>
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i still love him actively. not passively as in my life is going forward or whatever phrase people use for someone who is ready to go out and actively search for a new partner.</div>
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i cannot fathom someone else on our sofa.</div>
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i cannot fathom someone else making my tea.</div>
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i cannot fathom the touch of someone else when i can still feel his so strongly.</div>
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<img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1Cs4HEN5R8qZJQDqGShjXzTOUrhszj2qS_xIupftJQmS3OucKax1dYFTUGnZMJyEMwMbb7o4GPdjIbb89pSzFRbPfq1LeztxvuS9g5NRjTcSqxg6EMAD7U3R-3D7ag4tU8LfwEQybZg/s1600/a+true+love+story+never+ends.jpg" height="320" width="239" /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
i am thinking that ours was a true love story. </div>
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<br /></div>
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i am exhausted these days.</div>
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i am working very hard and not making ends meet.</div>
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gas prices are so very high and i have to drive so very far.</div>
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when i get there i am tense and stressed thinking about where my gas needle sits and when i will have to get more of this black gold.</div>
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<br /></div>
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and people who come into the store are, pardon the expression, batshit crazy.</div>
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the collection of humanity who walks through our doors are, for the most part, selfish, arrogant, self-serving, hostile, and do not hesitate to show you their bad side.</div>
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all of us who work there have our stories of being treated like non-human servants in bondage.</div>
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it truly is retail hell.</div>
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and the things i see....the way these people treat their children. it is scary. i don't believe they realize the impact of their words and actions on these children.</div>
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<br /></div>
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after a long day i....okay, hold that thought. immediately upon arrival i want to turn around and go home.</div>
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i want to go back to my little apartment where my two dogs wait for me.</div>
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i want to go back to my life as a hermit.</div>
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i had thought i was lonely and needed a friend.</div>
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what i needed was my life as a hermit.</div>
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i am not strong anymore. and i also get so pissed and wish i could say something to someone who treats me like these customers do.</div>
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i want to stand on the counter and shout to the entire store:</div>
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"i am a human being with a past and a present and a future however small!</div>
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i have feelings just as you do!</div>
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i have wishes and hopes and i have value!</div>
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stop being so mean !!!"</div>
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but i don't. and they continue being mean.</div>
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and i stand there and take it and wish i could go home.</div>
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<br /></div>
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making that long drive home i wish he was waiting there for me.</div>
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now that the weather is warmer, i keep the radio off and have the windows down so the rush of wind buffets my face. i see the moon, the stars, the occasional moonlit cloud pass close to that silver disk and i sigh with want. i love the moon.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6YXLWURCB97TKRlDba-07vjTQIysR4nNbr2CUcxW2pnQBbmy9i5RibDy5d7A5S0UEcvmMReFiw2Bzo0SLVIMDrAps1eTzcQ7EAKZ394kvgQrcRFL0tpCJNyqdgebHsB4_IQP2B0trbw/s1600/3+10+14.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6YXLWURCB97TKRlDba-07vjTQIysR4nNbr2CUcxW2pnQBbmy9i5RibDy5d7A5S0UEcvmMReFiw2Bzo0SLVIMDrAps1eTzcQ7EAKZ394kvgQrcRFL0tpCJNyqdgebHsB4_IQP2B0trbw/s1600/3+10+14.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a></div>
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it also makes me lonely. when i talk to him, i will look at the moon.</div>
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when i talk to Him, to God, i also look at the moon, as if the moon represents all that i long for.</div>
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i long for my husband. i long to know that i will go to Heaven when i die.</div>
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i want peace and quiet. i want the stress to go away.</div>
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i want to feel safe.</div>
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<br /></div>
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but then i get home and they are waiting for me.</div>
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i could have been gone 5 minutes or 12 hours; their joy at seeing me never changes, never waivers.</div>
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i love my dogs as much as i love my children.</div>
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they are my roommates and my friends,</div>
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my confidants and my father confessors. </div>
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we wait together for the time when our little pack is reunited.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhho5MdImqSEoOXu0YUQ0gFIu_1iXSZnIdyEQaoY7-9wsUz6m8U7-8QtrGhUPO03Z5-Sb4EfMNRYpZV33CNo7N-mm_mgrbAR6xWeMBbfvN_3LTGv3dzOeFbqC15LDAzu3ZxBiYY2VeoCQ/s1600/dogs+d+gazing+out+at+the+world.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhho5MdImqSEoOXu0YUQ0gFIu_1iXSZnIdyEQaoY7-9wsUz6m8U7-8QtrGhUPO03Z5-Sb4EfMNRYpZV33CNo7N-mm_mgrbAR6xWeMBbfvN_3LTGv3dzOeFbqC15LDAzu3ZxBiYY2VeoCQ/s1600/dogs+d+gazing+out+at+the+world.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
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so you see, i'm not doing very well, i guess.</div>
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i'm the same.</div>
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the intensity of the pain is less but it is still there.</div>
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memories and longing have replaced it though and my memory is very good.</div>
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i feel it all deeply.</div>
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and i miss him.</div>
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the years we won't have together are no less not spent together.</div>
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he is here with me.</div>
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i carry him in my heart.</div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>"i carry your heart with me {i carry it in my heart}</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>i am never without it {anywhere i go you go, my dear;</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling}</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>i fear no fate {for you are my fate, my sweet}</i></div>
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<i>i want no world {for beautiful, you are my world, my true}</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>and whatever a sun will always sing is you.</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>here is the deepest secret nobody knows</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>{here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>which grows higher than the soul can hope or the mind can hide}</i></div>
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<i>and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart</i></div>
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<br /></div>
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<i>i carry your heart {i carry it in my heart}"</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>~ e.e. cummings </i></div>
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<br /></div>
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so you see? the years we do not have together are still years together.</div>
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i love him. i do not want anyone else.</div>
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i have my tiny family. my children, my grandchild, my dogs.</div>
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and i have him.</div>
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i carry him in my heart. </div>
<h1 class="quoteText" style="text-align: center;">
</h1>
abandonedsoulshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06020499806998154330noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6580898742645753422.post-30473324257826779142014-03-20T17:01:00.000-04:002014-03-27T15:12:57.692-04:00the long, slow goodbye<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
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"every true story ends in death." ~ ernest hemingway </div>
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<br /></div>
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grief is so very different for everyone. it is also a very private affair.</div>
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it's an affair of the heart and only the person going through it knows how deep the pain goes.</div>
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<br /></div>
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he meant the world to me. he means the world to me. </div>
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<br /></div>
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i admit i find secret comfort in widow(er)s both fictitious and real who have not moved on,</div>
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who have kept their sorrow inside and simply lived on with the memories.</div>
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there was a short-lived television show titled "10 things i hate about you." in it the father character is aggressively, and unsuccessfully, seduced by a divorced woman. he tells her he is not ready to date; that he is a recent widow. the woman extends her sympathy and asks him how long it's been.</div>
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"7 years."</div>
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i loved that. his face. his expression. the soft, lingering love for his dead wife. he was still wearing his wedding ring.</div>
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<br /></div>
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or Jessica Fletcher of the television show "Murder, She Wrote." she never dated nor married again. she had a full life writing her novels, welcoming company to her home, and solving murders all over the globe.</div>
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<br /></div>
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and Betty White. she has been his widow for 34 years. she's having fun with her acting and her animal charities, yet when she was on Inside the Actor's Studio and she was asked that last question, her answer was so very poignant.</div>
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"If heaven exists, what would you want God to say at the pearly gates?"</div>
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Betty said, "come on in, Betty. here's Allen."</div>
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<br /></div>
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i've been told to never say never; that i do not know what's around the bend.</div>
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but .....</div>
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it's been 5 years and i still feel the same about him.</div>
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i will love him forever.</div>
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i think this is one of those long, slow goodbyes. </div>
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<br /></div>
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</div>
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<img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgjftAh4pYkzZ0BeW6M3PdALsegwwbgIwxB2cCMD_Y_2E3DSMtWLl_Y2jq2n2RI2SoPkz9HjzBLmNs3rYts2VW0vhAvYWs0t3lm-8CFSwgFnsxZSAxEsHGO5CKu6y75Qczy0kPsRoe66A/s1600/my+beautiful+Carl+a.jpg" height="320" width="235" /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
he was so much fun<br />
and he gave me so much.</div>
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laughter and joy,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
confidence and love,<br />
and the ocean.<br />
he took me to live beside the ocean. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
we talked and shared.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
we were a true meeting of the minds.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
i love him. he is so dear to me.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj95zK7JcHUDI_L8pu4CHDjgEogtBWpSVK8ZadZcdXhPaCDVHoujko7AXgRxuCwKZDzH6eKO8Hc7uqm8ORyGQS3PVmf63hftye3I0Pu18jYSo6x6-Q7aOoflBHKKvjau4VtubBZ2YNp1Q/s1600/Kiss+Hallmark+cube.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj95zK7JcHUDI_L8pu4CHDjgEogtBWpSVK8ZadZcdXhPaCDVHoujko7AXgRxuCwKZDzH6eKO8Hc7uqm8ORyGQS3PVmf63hftye3I0Pu18jYSo6x6-Q7aOoflBHKKvjau4VtubBZ2YNp1Q/s1600/Kiss+Hallmark+cube.JPG" height="240" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
a long, slow goodbye.<br />
i think of him quite a lot.<br />
i do still dream of him.<br />
my memories of him are so vivid.<br />
i can hear his voice.<br />
i can hear his laugh.<br />
i feel this deep and abiding connection to him. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
it is my most fervent hope and wish that i will be with him when i die.<br />
<br />
a long, slow goodbye.<br />
my memories keep me company. <br />
and as i will one day die,<br />
know that this is a true story. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
i leave you with the words of a fictitious widow ~ Jessica Fletcher.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>"i won't tell you that the hurt will disappear.</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>it doesn't,</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>but sooner or later it becomes different.</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>the pain subsides and the memories take over.</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>it isn't wonderful,</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>but it's better."</i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
abandonedsoulshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06020499806998154330noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6580898742645753422.post-82861108747817379882014-02-08T19:11:00.001-05:002014-02-08T19:11:56.177-05:00five years of grief<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCqapQ-AMDKWi5mlxydXkNLVpSa3ZLPzNvCDpjcxjDsMnaNsesf6VwI1Cx3nfucq0TFSPsDDpVqoRlLcd6L-h0mAFRw_ecq9K0M3huCWt9lsqiak0UMjZxVfjcAdBHvYEpaJnYYv_JCQ/s1600/2+8+2014+my+Carl+night.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCqapQ-AMDKWi5mlxydXkNLVpSa3ZLPzNvCDpjcxjDsMnaNsesf6VwI1Cx3nfucq0TFSPsDDpVqoRlLcd6L-h0mAFRw_ecq9K0M3huCWt9lsqiak0UMjZxVfjcAdBHvYEpaJnYYv_JCQ/s1600/2+8+2014+my+Carl+night.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
five years</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
it used to burn ~ this grief that i still feel.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
it used to burn me up inside.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
it was as if someone had started a fire inside me to burn all that i was.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
the fire ate away my insides for a long time yet it deliberately stopped short of killing me.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
that was it's way of torturing me.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
it never finished the job.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
i continued to live.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and i got used to the heat.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
then grief changed tactics.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
it showed me loneliness.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
it brought me back into the crowded world where no one notices me.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
no one sees my pain.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
no one accepts you can grieve after a year, after two and a half years,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
after four years.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
the world is a place where sympathy stops while the pain continues.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
that is loneliness;</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
when your pain goes unrecognized, or unaccepted.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
when you are expected to rejoin a world that fundamentally hasn't changed,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
but you have.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
i have.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
i'm grieving.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and i got used to the loneliness.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
it is now five years.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
five long years.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
grief is introducing me to it's next experience.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
i am cold.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
i feel chilled inside.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
so cold i burn.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
i feel detached at times, like i am a spectator to the world.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
i am there but not included.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
i refuse to be what i not and what i am not is this:</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
i am not through grieving.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
i do not feel comfortable away from my tiny home.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
but when i am home i still feel cold.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
i can vividly recall his laugh. i can conjure up an afternoon spent with him.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
i can hear his voice in my head, my heart, deep in my soul.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
time has taken nothing from my memory.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
nothing has faded.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
nothing has dimmed.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
it is all still there.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
but it is like being on the outside looking in on my own life</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
during that time we were together.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
i remember what it felt like being with him but that is the one thing i cannot get back;</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
that feeling of safety, that feeling of being loved.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
so i feel cold.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
so i crawl on.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
a mental picture of me is this:</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
imagine meeting a woman who is kind, funny, genuinely easy to be around.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
you can tell she is a heartfelt listener and cares about others.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and you listen to her for a brief moment.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
her words are soothing, make you smile, make you feel warm inside.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
but there is something a bit off about her.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
for all her smiles, her eyes seem sad.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
even when she looks at you, you can see that her soul is split.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and her voice.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
it sounds as if there is another voice speaking in chorus with her.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
two voices from one soul.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
that is me and my grief talking.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
she and i speak simultaneously.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
we are no longer separate.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
we are a unit; a team.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
we are entwined much like he and i were entwined while he lived.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
my grief lives inside me or i live inside her.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
it depends upon the day.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
we color my existence together.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
we share my life.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
she is company.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
i know her very well.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
she lets me ask the hard questions and counsels with her silence. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
my one and only consolation ~</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
the night before he died, we made love.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
the night he died, i was lying in his arms in bed.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
we had said, "i love you" to each other;</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
not with that peck on the cheek or a quick press of lips that makes a travesty of passion.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
it was as it always was between us.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
it was a soft, lingering kiss.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
it was shared breath.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
it was the silent acknowledgement that</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
"parting is such sweet sorrow"</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
even if only for sleep. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
ten minutes later his body betrayed him.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
it began separating his soul from me. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
twenty minutes after that we were severed.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
but we had that kiss. </div>
abandonedsoulshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06020499806998154330noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6580898742645753422.post-36728519218764473492014-01-25T09:34:00.000-05:002014-01-25T09:34:38.062-05:00beauty among the ruins<div style="text-align: center;">
there is a wonderful book by Robert Clark titled "Love Among the Ruins" about two teenagers who fall in love during 1968. the title has stuck with me for a long time and came around to my mind again shortly after my Dragon died.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and approaching 5 years, which, if you're read the previous couple of missives here, is hitting me pretty hard.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXr3PcOGEd_Cd4paCa8RlsZBcswyY74SyXhY49EIXk1328CIZkI7PeUONjtOAGyf5NwG6bIvrPEdATMx_HJrZiFrs-anXVwJOh9E1pJN7n-zQYKScFDeQl5lfI9GvgkkxqhZqJGDtFyQ/s1600/now+she+can%27t+go+anywhere.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXr3PcOGEd_Cd4paCa8RlsZBcswyY74SyXhY49EIXk1328CIZkI7PeUONjtOAGyf5NwG6bIvrPEdATMx_HJrZiFrs-anXVwJOh9E1pJN7n-zQYKScFDeQl5lfI9GvgkkxqhZqJGDtFyQ/s1600/now+she+can't+go+anywhere.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
i love my dogs....</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZe5nM1846nlbZ3lrYIiI0lY2q5IowquaDQY9g8rznT9oMdLs9eTz3bRcLBrRzL-yEqdQo_7rYMylIDHZ5naFdDOgQzeeFnL5-4v0tfoikHZIjcwZXKrN7PLmuNWGYdUhKvE5M-EBNug/s1600/N+-+my+babies.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZe5nM1846nlbZ3lrYIiI0lY2q5IowquaDQY9g8rznT9oMdLs9eTz3bRcLBrRzL-yEqdQo_7rYMylIDHZ5naFdDOgQzeeFnL5-4v0tfoikHZIjcwZXKrN7PLmuNWGYdUhKvE5M-EBNug/s1600/N+-+my+babies.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
... and my children.....</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXwse5jiwDI5JtjNv4rzKUw7j23r58BHcWwaZnUe5VlWsMJPzNIUhVOJOpMTmr6jUP0YoYKI7ZqtVwsT8e1WHroPRHYaVc-q9W9Zi490Cqy0sVDPv1Zlv0sHo5KBexpnoFBW2LgzIWHQ/s1600/sweet+face+1+19+14.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXwse5jiwDI5JtjNv4rzKUw7j23r58BHcWwaZnUe5VlWsMJPzNIUhVOJOpMTmr6jUP0YoYKI7ZqtVwsT8e1WHroPRHYaVc-q9W9Zi490Cqy0sVDPv1Zlv0sHo5KBexpnoFBW2LgzIWHQ/s1600/sweet+face+1+19+14.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
...and my grandson.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
i like sewing. i would like to get back to painting and making stained glass. this last quilt
commission to finish; which is approaching over 550 hours of work, and i
will be free of the pressure of another person's judgement. my time
free time off from work will be my own for the first time in 5 years. i
look very much forward to that.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
this commission has been huge. hundreds of hours. no more compensation for my work. after asking for so much, she now says she is "strapped for money." i have ended up resenting this commission. i am finishing this pro bono. *sigh* i do not understand as i see her photographs of her and her new husband, the things they get to do, their trips. but maybe they get those things cheaper than they appear, or they were gifts. i do not know and should not judge. it is my duty to finish this quilt and i will do so. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTmBTzH0HgoqCsIfRxhfrCnjnkkEowqNGHX5jImJ8h7jx8fxlrV_Mddhv0oEBHW97vNQ-dYbBh1WeVasLiUj7YL2neO2EreuiupaGhjRzPWA9bD2I9ERxiVl5_PhZhkRY-y6JqP5WR6A/s1600/Julie's+quilt+layout.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTmBTzH0HgoqCsIfRxhfrCnjnkkEowqNGHX5jImJ8h7jx8fxlrV_Mddhv0oEBHW97vNQ-dYbBh1WeVasLiUj7YL2neO2EreuiupaGhjRzPWA9bD2I9ERxiVl5_PhZhkRY-y6JqP5WR6A/s1600/Julie's+quilt+layout.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
i feel like i am living among the ruins of my life: a tiny apartment {but it's mine}, a job that takes away a lot of my soul {but i renew it everyday with thoughts of him, my children, my grandson, taking photos of the sky, etc.}, loneliness for him i can do nothing about {i talk to him though, and i talk to God}.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
there is beauty among the ruins of my life. i brought the photo up there under my blog title over from a page from Facebook; a page called Earth Porn. it reminds me of Van Gogh's painting, "Starry Night." i made me smile and stare at it, and come back to it. i think it is beautiful. had i be fortunate to be present on that day, i would have stayed outside until dark, or the clouds passed. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
there is beauty in the world in the shape of clouds and those of us left behind.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
i miss my Dragon so very much. five years is a long time to be without him. it's a long time to sit here and know it will be longer before i hope to see him again. five years of life among the ruins, but there is so much beauty here that i can take in and keep in my memories.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
there will be a lot of tell him about when we meet. </div>
<br />
<br />
abandonedsoulshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06020499806998154330noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6580898742645753422.post-90105886263311001702014-01-21T20:56:00.002-05:002014-01-21T20:56:48.520-05:0059 months still.......since he died, i've crossed paths with quite a few widows and widowers. i know everyone is on their own journey, feel differently, react differently. it has been interesting to be the wallflower; to watch everyone, hear from them, hear about them.<br />
<br />
so many have done very well. a great deal have found new loves and married.<br />
<br />
very few of the first ones to write to me here are actually still reading or writing anymore. their lives are busy and reading one widow's blog? keeping up with her here? just no incentive anymore.<br />
<br />
i'm still here though. i'm not really in the same place emotionally that i was during that first year, but, to be honest, i am not too far removed from it.<br />
<br />
i am still in the same vicinity that i was. i'm wandering, i guess.<br />
<br />
i have thought about this a great deal of late. i am not still shell-shocked. he has died. i have a full-time job and work very hard for my money. i count pennies very carefully.<br />
<br />
i am a new grandmother. i love that baby and have wonderful ideas of what i can teach him, of just playing with him. grief has not tainted this blessing.<br />
<br />
i do not want to take off my rings. i do not want to date, or meet anyone. i do not care about finding a friend anymore. i am very used to being alone now. it is not something i would have chosen, but i have grown accustomed to it. it suits me.<br />
<br />
i think if any one of the people who used to read all the time, at the beginning, were to stop by now -- just to see -- they might be concerned, or bored, depending upon how they feel about me.<br />
<br />
i am still in month 59 with that 5 year mark - that 60th month - staring at me, glaring at me. and i feel apprehensive about it. 5 years is a long time. 5 years is nothing compared to.........<br />
<br />
i think i'll go to bed and try to sleep. sleep is a good escape from the impending agony of hitting that 5th year. <br />
<br />
<br />abandonedsoulshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06020499806998154330noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6580898742645753422.post-47438856236785756542014-01-11T20:39:00.004-05:002014-01-11T20:39:47.374-05:00Enoch Arden<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
it's January of 2014. that means it's been 4 years, 11 months. 59 months of living without my Dragon. it feels like a long time.</div>
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<br /></div>
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there are days when i miss him a great deal. there are days when i think of him and smile.</div>
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still, even on the good days, i have fleeting moments of wonder.</div>
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where is he?</div>
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is he safe and happy?</div>
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does he sort of remember me?</div>
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it's that whole mystery of death and afterlife introspective journey i take.</div>
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<br /></div>
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i have faith. i just don't know what really comes next; what it will feel like, be like.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
the days get strung together. i live for my days off. i get physically tired.</div>
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December was hard. i worked 112 + hour weeks.</div>
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the overtime was nice, but getting that run down catches up to you.</div>
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<br /></div>
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i have been melancholy.</div>
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i have been evaluating my life. am i okay? what do i really feel?</div>
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<br /></div>
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i feel like 59 months is a long time to go without your best friend.</div>
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it's a long time to go without holding hands, talking, knowing they are waiting for you when you get off work.</div>
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it's a long time.</div>
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and it's hardly any time at all depending upon how long i have on this earth.</div>
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<br /></div>
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i'm melancholy and i can't put my finger on it.</div>
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i'm doing okay. paying bills. holding on.</div>
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i love my new grandson.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
wish i could see him every single day.</div>
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hoping he loves me.</div>
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secretly hoping i'm his favorite gramma. would never say that out loud.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
if you met me you would say i have it all together.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
i'm funny. people gravitate to me.</div>
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i have some talent with creativity; art stuff.</div>
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but if you look into my eyes; when i look in the mirror,</div>
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i don't see the me i was when he was here.</div>
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i'm less.</div>
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i'm sadder.</div>
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it's in the eyes.</div>
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it's in the moments when i am utterly alone that a voyeur could tell.</div>
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i am definitely less than who i was before.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
i bow out of things, like at my daughter's baby shower. i had made this book for people to write things in for her, advice for the new baby.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
her mother-in-law had purchased cards for that and stood in front of me to speak to it and pass them out. i slipped back down in my seat and hid the book i made. i was embarrassed and a bit hurt.</div>
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i had wanted to participate more in my daughter's baby shower but it became her event and i felt left out. and i stayed out.</div>
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i bowed out and let her have it. </div>
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<br /></div>
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i'm low on everyone's list; even my own.</div>
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<br /></div>
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i am, however, very high on the list of two little hearts. </div>
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my dogs are my roomies, my cuddle-buddies.</div>
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i don't want them to die. i know they will.</div>
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and i know i will react very badly when this happens. i already feel it inside my heart.</div>
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<img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfI3hBn7Wvp3qGr3sMn3XIXhwVEERkzJoL9f6V-jBe4sTVh5Zm2tg2ZKa9kStYSnf6A4iuqbPkylNtXWjad4E2_0QbL47Za4z0SHbuqwrKhSEOF-RqQ1YwLEiaZ5C3tlPkXN3FTxGDxg/s1600/sweet+carmen+face.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
my little Miss Carmen Sophia the Wild Gypsy Girl with the Sensitive Soul is showing signs of her age. she's my little girl with such a big attitude and a willful spirit. but she's also a momma's girl. she loves me so much. when i finally sit down, she is in my lap in a heartbeat. she stretches out with a sigh as if she's thinking, "at last. momma is home and she's mine."</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmcRyH0jUnId6b8ewv683O9CrSvdobMZofkNRsjFb4Uk_Rcz4Br9V0dcAdMrSRLXT570Rjn7Qv9uZ2Pm1RTqWtYXq9fBxyZpbBb0NQktp3bwqwZ766vzS669Ue0wgZlcQ6TUrf79jLtA/s1600/Dogs+-+Scootie+1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmcRyH0jUnId6b8ewv683O9CrSvdobMZofkNRsjFb4Uk_Rcz4Br9V0dcAdMrSRLXT570Rjn7Qv9uZ2Pm1RTqWtYXq9fBxyZpbBb0NQktp3bwqwZ766vzS669Ue0wgZlcQ6TUrf79jLtA/s1600/Dogs+-+Scootie+1.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Mister Scootie Wootums Lord of the Dance with the Stardust Eyes is still a bit more lively, but even he has his moments when i can tell; i can see he no longer has a puppy heart. he's slowing down. to this day he goes in search of my Dragon. he'll go to the closet and get one of my Dragon's shoes and lay with it. nose inside the shoe sniffing. if i equate his actions to what a human would do, it breaks me. it looks so very much like he misses my, our Dragon.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJ-SVqCZJ5sQKAdLI3X4VsuVbuzAksOUTbs4XtBdt2ElwH8WsqQIzEA6164q3dXuE2-K8RWHeNIG_2hR9HS5SiP-fJpnRwIuyBUE0vIFXhJza_RHx8BkBcGsXVcKIQvafciQ7LeU78UA/s1600/Finn+awake+a+1-9-14.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJ-SVqCZJ5sQKAdLI3X4VsuVbuzAksOUTbs4XtBdt2ElwH8WsqQIzEA6164q3dXuE2-K8RWHeNIG_2hR9HS5SiP-fJpnRwIuyBUE0vIFXhJza_RHx8BkBcGsXVcKIQvafciQ7LeU78UA/s1600/Finn+awake+a+1-9-14.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
and then there's my new grandson. such a cutie. i adore him. i'm am so ready, so excited about playing with him, reading to him, singing to him, showing him things, but i am careful about what i write in public about that, and what i mentally plan for him and me. i cannot infringe or overstep. i dare not intrude on the plans and expectations his other gramma has. i can't get in the way.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
call me Enoch Arden.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
{Enoch Arden is an old sea story. it's the tale of a man who left his wife to go on a two year whaling trip long, long ago. neither knew she was pregnant with their son when he left. word came back that a terrible storm broke Enoch's vessel apart and all aboard drowned. however, Enoch had survived. he recovered and it took him 5- 7 years, depending upon which version of the story you read, for him to work his way back home. when he did arrive, he found his wife had married his best friend. he saw his son. he also saw the three of them together standing at a memorial to him. a man who recognized Enoch approached him saying that his "widow" honored his memory; that his son knew who he was, and that his friend was taking good care of the little family. but he also asked Enoch why he wasn't rushing down to make his presence known. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Enoch said, "it would destroy the happiness she has found and the security my son knows with my friend. i cannot do that to them. please do not tell them i was ever here."</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Enoch gained a berth on a ship leaving the harbor that evening never to return. the man held the story inside himself until Enoch's "widow" had passed and his son had grown and moved away. then he spoke with awe and reverence of the selfless and heartbreaking decision Enoch made to sacrifice his own happiness to let his family have theirs.}</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
in an insignificant way, i am a bit like Enoch Arden. </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
i bow out.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
i let others have their way.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
i never speak up.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
i get my feelings hurt a lot, too.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
59 months without him here.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
59 months without someone speaking out on my behalf when i never would.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
59 months without that certain someone who always knew where i was at all times,</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
of him waiting for me.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
59 months of being without him.</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
i'm melancholy.</div>
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i wish ........</div>
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see, funny thing, i don't even know what i wish for.</div>
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i'll just bow out now;</div>
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before i say too much.</div>
abandonedsoulshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06020499806998154330noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6580898742645753422.post-49401131423365493332013-12-31T22:33:00.001-05:002013-12-31T22:33:53.630-05:00he's here<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLUN1PfAO5Px-qU5vPKs6njW4vHQwy6bUaXkPKJssVlZx0N6U72l1Vh4E29Np8baXuq14tk-2a8u5iJLh6QaaTVGPULADItHW8ZP1wk7lCIgR03nZP8sMRWxx2xwQyLhD0dzWVYF1QoA/s1600/Finn+loves+his+mommy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLUN1PfAO5Px-qU5vPKs6njW4vHQwy6bUaXkPKJssVlZx0N6U72l1Vh4E29Np8baXuq14tk-2a8u5iJLh6QaaTVGPULADItHW8ZP1wk7lCIgR03nZP8sMRWxx2xwQyLhD0dzWVYF1QoA/s1600/Finn+loves+his+mommy.jpg" height="320" width="240" /></a></div>
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he's here. 26 december 2013.</div>
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he is handsome, sweet, quiet, and perfect as all babies are.</div>
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i love him with a quiet, deep emotion that can fill me with awe.</div>
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i love my own children with that kind of love.</div>
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i hope to be able to teach him things; abstract things like kindness, tolerance, logical deductions, and the profoundness found in books.</div>
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i hope to be able to show him rainbows, dew on grass blades, all the different kinds of life at the ocean's edge, and the shadows that play across a flag was it furls and unfurls in a strong breeze.</div>
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i hope to be able to answer his questions and give him more questions for us to find out the answers together.</div>
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i hope he can grow to love me.</div>
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~</div>
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it's the last night of 2013.</div>
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going to bed early.</div>
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no plans.</div>
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no one to do anything with.</div>
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curl up with my dogs and try to forget the day,</div>
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the loneliness, </div>
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my current respiratory illness,</div>
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the fact that i have to get up to go to work tomorrow.</div>
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i wish i could be with them - my daughter and her new baby.</div>
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but he is so new, and i am so sick.</div>
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i wish i could talk to my Dragon.</div>
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i'd like to be held once more.</div>
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i'd like to fall into a deep, restorative sleep in his arms. </div>
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i'd like to think he's doing great.</div>
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i'd like to think he still loves me</div>
<br />abandonedsoulshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06020499806998154330noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6580898742645753422.post-38817497582515778222013-12-24T16:59:00.000-05:002013-12-24T16:59:22.378-05:00on Christmas Eve ~ for those who have nothingi can't remember the last time a door was held for me;<br />
that i didn't sleep on a concrete rug,<br />
that people didn't ignore me.<br />
i can't remember what it's like to have your stomach full;<br />
or be as warm as a piece of toast,<br />
or wear tweed, silk, or wool.<br />
i can't remember if i ever really had a home;<br />
a place to settle and sit for a spell,<br />
a place to call my own.<br />
<br />
all i have is a shopping cart that's full of memories:<br />
full of things i no longer am,<br />
full of things i used to be.<br />
all i have to keep with me are pictures, quilts, and self;<br />
things to keep me warm inside,<br />
things that have no wealth.<br />
all i have to worry about would horrify you tonight;<br />
the cold, no food, no place to sleep,<br />
the dark, no friends, no light.<br />
<br />
i don't have a home anymore. i live out on the street;<br />
never to cook and clean a place,<br />
never to kick my shoes off my feet.<br />
i don't have a family now. they are all lost to me;<br />
never to fuss and do for them,<br />
never their faces to see.<br />
i don't have a lot of things, but one thing i do keep;<br />
i have myself to talk to,<br />
i keep myself hidden deep.<br />
<br />
i need help from time to time, and sometimes it works out;<br />
some people are a Godsend,<br />
some people are ignorant louts.<br />
i need to be allowed to have my dignity and my space.<br />
don't tell me what i should have done.<br />
don't put me in my place.<br />
i need to know someone's aware i'm still a human being;<br />
with hopes and dreams of my own,<br />
with awareness that my life may have meaning.<br />
<br />
i want someone to remember that i'm out here when it snows;<br />
or whenever the weather turns awful with rain,<br />
or whenever it's cold and bad, you know?<br />
i want someone to remember to care about whatever happens to me;<br />
to care about where i am,<br />
to care enough to come see.<br />
i want someone to remember that i'm alone out on the street;<br />
to understand that i'm afraid,<br />
to understand that i'm beat.<br />
<br />
i think that people everywhere should try to visualize;<br />
what it's like to be without,<br />
what it's like to be despised.<br />
i think if they could understand how life goes wrong for some;<br />
they wouldn't treat us like trash,<br />
they wouldn't act as if we're dumb.<br />
i think if people could remember that Our Lord helped people like me;<br />
then they'd find Christ in themselves,<br />
then they'd see Christ in me.<br />
<br />
<i><b>"the Lord bless you and keep you. the Lord make His face shine on
you, and be gracious to you. the Lord lift up His countenance upon you
and give you peace." ~ Numbers 6:25.</b></i> abandonedsoulshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06020499806998154330noreply@blogger.com1