"i wish i had a river i could skate away on...."
i watched a Christmas movie on the Hallmark channel. a widow was told to "move on." her husband had been dead for 3 years.
it's been 6 and a half for me.
i've seen widows and widowers all around me move on. i haven't.
my landlady moved on after one year. her boyfriend sleeps over 3 nights a week. she stays very busy with all her friends, too. out to dinner 2 - 3 times a week with them above and beyond her boyfriend. she doesn't understand my ability to be spend my free time alone as i do.
it sort of irritates her. she makes fun of me a little bit but it is a cutting wit; very sharp and at times derogatory.
it stings because she is my landlady but i just deeply inhale and breathe through it.
i miss him. my Dragon. i wish i could talk to him. i wish he could hold my hand again.
i wish he were here for one more Christmas.
i wish i could stop getting teary when i'm alone but it is just that time of year.
"it's coming on Christmas." families are embracing their loved ones, making plans. my son will be spending it with his girlfriend's family. my daughter and grandson will be spending it with her mother-in-law up in the mountains of this state.
she is upset but she has to go. it is the best decision for her to keep peace on that side of the family. i am, of course, "invited," but the set up of it being so far away keeps me from going, and her mother-in-law knows this.
i keep telling myself i will be fine; that i won't be lonely on Christmas Day.
i tell myself a lot of things to get myself through the rough times.
mostly i tell myself, "this too shall pass."
Merry Christmas to all.
peace to all who read.
peace and light to all who grieve.
