it's about to be 7 years. February 9th will mark 7 years that we have been apart.
what do i do with that?
i am in pain over it and i do not tell anyone.
i am shooting for numb. i wish to be numb.
most of the time i shut myself down and get on with my days, my life, work, taking care of the myriad of things that make up every day of a person's life. i pay bills. i take care of the car. i walk my dogs and snuggle with them. i tell them things i would never even type here. and they listen.
they know.
i would like to go numb. just for a while. just not feel. anything. no hurt. no sadness. no longing. no loneliness.
while i am at work i can disappear behind the job. but when i am home....alone...and am getting ready for bed....i miss him.
7 years.
i do not think of dating. i do not want another. still. do. not. i do not want to try. i do not. i am emphatic. {thinking of it, putting myself in the idea of dating, makes me queasy.} so i know i am not ready and doubt i ever will be.
queasy is a strong word.
i would like him back, please. he knew me. he would smile, and smile more with his eyes when he looked at me, and finish my sentences.
i could quietly tell him my most secret secrets. and he would understand. he would laugh. he would encourage. he would cry with me. he was empathetic. he was mine and i was his.
i miss him.
i always will.
i accept that.
i just wouldn't mind a few days of being numb. you know. to just get a little consistent sleep without the sad, bad dream.
such are the thoughts and feelings of the persistent griever.
