a thousand ways i miss you ~ finis

a thousand ways i miss you.

you were always there for me as i was always there for you.

i was your shadow; always gazing at you because i found you so handsome.

i adored your stories and hung on your every word.

you asked for absolution for your years of service, and i told you

you were my hero.

you still are.

a thousand ways i miss you.

your back hurt and i gave you gentle massages, and i felt needed.

your feet hurt and i caressed them, and i could see you relax.

your body hurt and i rubbed the tension away so you could sleep.

i took care of you mentally, physically, and spiritually,

and then i lost you.

and i worry that you are safe and happy, and waiting. 

a thousand ways i miss you.

you died and left me here to spend evenings in silence,

mornings wistfully, and long days knowing i can't tell you about them.

you passed away but not gently.  i could not save you.  no one could.

you expired and there was nothing i could do but let you go.

a thousand ways i miss you,

and one question i ask myself, 

but not out loud.

i wonder if you're accepting your death better than i am.

a thousand ways i miss you

 a thousand ways i miss you.

seeing your eyes crinkle when you smiled.

watching you while you were lost in thought.

admiring the sunlight on your hair.

gazing at your lips when you spoke.

all these moments are memories now.

there are thousands of things i miss.

starting to talk about the same thing at

the same time using the same words,

and catching ourselves, and laughing.

your hand on the small of my back as you

guided me in front of you, then holding my hand

after we got inside.

watching you drive, looking down at your hand on my leg.

we were never not touching each other.

i miss that.

a thousand ways i miss you.

the simple everyday things we did,

talked about; it's all over.

the nights, and afternoons,

and mornings, of loving, are all gone.

you, you are all gone.  no more a physical presence

in my life.

no more fooling myself that you are "just away."

no more illusions.  no more delusions.

you lay down and died and i miss you more as time passes.

thousands of ways i miss you.

you don't have a key to my apartment, but your

shoes are in the closet, and your clothes are in the dresser.

i no longer get mail in your name and that bothers me more than when i got mail in your name.

you never lived here with me and yet i have kept signs of your existence all around.

hundreds, millions! ~ thousands of ways i miss you.

i am less without you.

a thousand ways i miss you.

going to bed alone at night knowing your warm body is gone.

opening the refrigerator door to see an almost empty pitcher of tea,

knowing it's up to me to make more.

some days are over bright and the sunlight is harsh.

rainy days are lonely without you to talk to.

a thousand ways i miss you.

waking up to the cruelty of the alarm

facing another morning, another day without you.

laughing at a show on television and turning to look at you ~

oh, yeah.

crying over a song lyric and turning to find your arms ~

sigh.

having something nice happen, or something bad, coming home to tell you

all abut it ~ so i tell the dogs and tell myself they understand.

i miss you in a thousand ways.

my feet hurt to high Heaven, but that's where you are,

so you can't rub my feet.

 my shoulders ache and burn, but

i can't massage my own shoulders.

my calves cramp and i can massage them, but not like you can/could.

your hands were strong.

and oh, my stars, my hands hurt,

especially the one i broke.

i wish you could rub my hands.

but you can't.

{the next one is for you.}

no one to miss me when i'm gone

all quite suddenly, i disappeared from online.  it's been 10 days.  11 if you count today.  it wasn't a planned absence.  nothing i could announce would be happening.  my hard drive crashed and died.  i lost everything ~ all my photos.  it was  over in a heartbeat.

it mimicked my husband's death.  one minute he was smiling, getting into bed.  we were cuddling, kissing, saying good-night.  the next he seized, and then he died.  i lost everything ~ my breath, my friend, my companion, my lover.  it was also over in a heartbeat.

the next day my cell phone died.  it was very sudden and frightened me.  i tried to find a pay phone.  did you know that pay phones are almost a thing of the past?  a stranger saw my distress and offered their cell phone for me to call her.  so for 10 days i used the phone at work to speak to her real quick before i left work.  no long conversations.  i got my new cell in the mail from my son yesterday.  i got it charged up and called her last night at 10 PM.  we talked for an hour.  but my cell phone dying?  so sudden.  so shocking.  it was over in a heartbeat.

in all 3 cases i was left without a voice.  after my Dragon died, i thought i had found a voice that would be heard by writing here, and leaving photos and comments on Facebook.  i thought i left enough of an impression that people looked for me; in fact, would comment or email if i disappeared.  that did not happen.  no one asked.  no one left a comment wondering about me except one woman but it took me being absent for 8 days.  if these were physical friends, and i was a childless widow, and it was me who had died rather than my computer, i would hate to think how long it would take for someone to find my body.  it is a little depressing to realize i would not be missed.  losing the ability to really talk with my daughter was harrowing.  we missed each other so much.  she would call me at work and we tried to talk a bit.  i'd call her, but we were both at work and busy.  we could not talk like we always have.

i have worked so hard to establish friendships.  i have done and given of myself so much.  i am intelligent.  i am empathic.  i am always there for others, doing whatever i can.  but it has not worked out, or been enough.  i have ended up being told i fall short.  one woman told me i did not have enough money to be a friend to her.  well, i am working very hard and i have a bit of extra money to go to lunch or to a movie.  i have a car, too.  no one has to come pick me up.  but these women are all gone.

the people i have "met" online, are just that; online.  if i disappeared it wouldn't impact their lives not one whit.  i am nothing but words on a computer screen.  and my words mean nothing.  which is sad since i choose them so carefully.

i miss having a friend.  i miss the idea of one.  the utopia friend ~ one who notices me and wants to listen to me, have tea with me, go shopping with me, laugh with me, go to the movies with me, tell me her secret thoughts, who would lean on me as i could lean on her; someone who would care if i suddenly wasn't there.  someone who "if i was never there again, would never be the same."  someone who would call my daughter, who had her number to call and check on me, on things.  someone who would come to my funeral.

i was developing a friendship with a widow but her son is now very sick and she needs to be with him.  i miss her and worry for her.  i hope she is okay, and that her son is improving.  but my last email went unanswered and i have tried to call.  of course, that was 10 days ago before everything died.  i will try again now that i have electronics back.

i had a friend at church, who died.  i miss her and i sit alone at church right now.

i was working on a friendship with a widow, but it was more she was leaning on me.  i kept encouraging her to speak to a professional but she refused.  she committed suicide just before Christmas and it made me feel like i failed her.  at her funeral, her son told me he felt the same way.  it was a miserable experience and one i still grieve over, and second guess everything about.

with the death of my computer i lost contact with a world i had believed noticed me.  i lived under the delusion that people looked for me as much as i looked for them.  when i got my rebuilt computer back, i found only that one comment on Wednesday, but nothing else.  i have left no ripples.  i have had no impact at all.  my words, my photos of Bunny, my photos of my tiny little corner of the world mean nothing to anyone.  it has made me realize that the friends i had thought i had made on the other side of my computer screen have lives with their own friends who are real in the physical sense.  they go places, take trips, have large families; they live more important lives than i do.  they impact the world in a huge way and me, a Bunny face onscreen?  i am only the Bunny Lady who gives awesome parties at work, and who gives touching, funny, meaningful heart ceremonies.  the Bunny Lady is only that.  i make one moment in time pretty good.  but there is no lasting impression.  yeah, people come back to find me there, but if i never show up again, they won't miss me.

this is a realization that makes me want to find a friend.  i cannot force it though.  it has to just be the right time for it.  a woman will meet me and we will have something in common.  she will accept that i am fairly poor.  i can pay my bills but i walk on eggshells when it comes to money.  she won't ask me to make a bunch of stuff for her for free.  she will simply want to hang out with me.  we will talk about our husbands.  she doesn't have to be a widow.  she can be anything.  we just need to connect and care about what happens to each other.  all i want is a friend.

someone to notice when i'm gone.

walking along the edge

big changes coming up in my life.  i accepted a promotion and a new store.  yes, it is official.  i think i'm going to make it financially.  if i'm smart and keep my belt very tight, no vacations, no splurges, just work and save and keep my bills paid, and then keep working, i think i'll be alright.

i wish i could tell him about it.  i wish .......  i do wish a lot.  i do dream a lot.  or day dream.  i make them up.  when i lay down to try and fall asleep, i pretend i still live beside the ocean.  i pretend i have a beautiful home and, in my head, as i try to relax and fall asleep, i decorate it in my head.  i sit with him on my glass porch, or my patio overlooking the ocean.

i miss the ocean and those words fall short of the emotions that back them.  i long for the sound.  i crave feeling the wind on my skin.  i wish i could smell the salt.

the reality is i had to leave the ocean.  i moved the day of my Dragon's funeral.  in that place that i go to in my heart to escape my reality, i am still there.  instead of moving away from where my Dragon and i lived, i stay along the edge of the ocean.  it's just over there.  it's just past the Mall where i work.  it's beyond the trees of where i live.  i can hear it on the wind, just behind it, through it.

bad things have happened to me since my Dragon died.  people have hurt my feelings deeply and there are new scars.  medical things have taken a turn for the worse, but i am handling it.  old fears are joined by new worries.  there are storms in my life that keep me on my toes, never relaxing at all.  not for a moment.

and when i am down, or simply when i come back from a very long day at work, i vividly remember his death.  i feel guilt for not being able to save him.  i have to turn off aspirin commercials when there is a couple sitting there holding hands talking about "surviving the widow maker."

  i cry.

i do not feel i have climbed out of where my sudden widowhood tossed me.  i am ambling around down here in this canyon smelling the flowers, sewing lots of things, talking to my Dragon, laying down when i am tired so i can cry and look at the moon.

then the next day i get up and amble forward through my own personal canyon of grief.

as i said, i don't think i'm climbing out or moving away from my Dragon.  i am over his death but i'm not.  i have days where i think of him and i am wistful.  i smile, yes, but it is a melancholy smile.    it is a lonely smile.

when i am back at the apartment, and i look at his urn on the mantle, i still get choked up.  what is left of him, his physical form, the form that i held and kissed and touched, is in there.  that's all that's left of him.  

and i grieve again.

it hits me all over again.

i got this job offer and i called my daughter.  i talked to my son.  both are so very proud and happy for me.  and then i opened the door to my apartment and i told my two dogs.  he was not there to sweep me up and kiss me.  i ate a celebration supper by myself.  and it's going to be like that for the rest of my life.  whatever that life means.

i stay beside the ocean in my head.  it is out there and one day i will actually drive myself over to it, walk along a beach again, walk out into the water and let it wash over me.  i will pick up shells again.  i will feel the breeze, smell the salt, hear the gulls.  i will taste it all with my heart and soul.  and in that sunshine will be his warmth.  in that wind i will hear his voice.  in the water that caresses me, i will feel his touch.  in the freedom beside that ocean i will be free.  i will be with him.  i'll stand in the ocean and close my eyes and he will be with me.

all the variable will be in place.  and for that brief moment i won't be alone.

i'll walk along the edge of the ocean in my head for the rest of my life and feeling close to my Dragon is the reason why.

melancholy Bunny

Bunny has a new shirt.  she made it for spring hoping it would make her feel pretty, and perky.  and it did for about a day.  maybe a day and a half.  people always think Bunny is cute.  what they actually think is that Bunny is creative.  but Bunny is still melancholy a lot of the time.  life has not turned out the way she had hoped.

not even close.

so she wears this little mask to protect herself.  the eyes are the mirrors to the soul so she hides her soul.

she works so hard and worries about money.   she goes back to her apartment and works on her sewing commissions.  she also works on things for herself and her family. here is a little lap quilt she is working on made out of parts of his jeans.  and hers.  the ones she can no longer wear because............

she has lost a grand total of 32 pounds.  yes, Bunny has been doing good on her diabetes stuff.  

she has been adding to her daughter's wedding runner that is turning into an embroidered visual of her married life.  here is their first little house.  Bunny needs to do a little bit more sky and then put in the stars.  she also has to put in the driveway and front walk.  but Bun is taking a break from this little project to work on a commission.  she moves back and forth from projects so that she doesn't lose her edge.

Bunny is melancholy most of the time.  she has this new position coming up.  she's supposed to start April 8th.  she's been training and studying and working hard to be able to step in without any hiccups. she's nervous.  she wants to be the best Bun they ever had.

which is silly because she will be the only Bun they ever had.  no one at the Bear has ever done it like Bunny.  but she wants to do the paperwork right.  a company is all about it's paperwork.

she misses her Dragon.  this being the year of the Dragon, she sees them everywhere.  it makes her misty.  with this latest car accident she just really needs him.  she's scared.  she's in a rental car that the insurance is costing her $20 a day.  Lordy, Lord Lord but she hopes they fix her car very, very soon.

she had planned on getting her eyes checked.  not sure when she's gonna do that.  she's waiting on them to process her health care paperwork.  hopefully, they will go it quickly.  she had wanted a new mattress.  the one she is sleeping on is very old and lumpy and hurts her back.

so many little things that Bunny needs.  so many projects Bunny wants to and needs to work on.  no money and no time.  hopefully life will get better with this new position in the company.

Bunny just wanted to show off some of her work.  and she wanted to put it all out there like she does.  she misses him still.  she is draggy from not sleeping well.  she has worries.  she gets teary when she's down.  and now she's rambling because she needs to get back to her commission work and she's really tired.

if you read and have nothing to say, Bunny understands.  if you read and respond, please be a sweetie pie.  if you're grieving, Bunny understands that, too, and she wishes you peace.

the important moments of life

"sooner or later we all discover that the important moments in life are not the advertised ones, not the birthdays, the graduations, the weddings, not the great goals achieved.

the real milestones are less prepossessing. they come to the door of memory unannounced, stray dogs that amble in, sniff around a bit and simply never leave. our lives are measured by these." ~ Susan B. Anthony

bad news and good news

Bunny wasn't going to write again so soon but she has the day off from working in the store and she is eating her lunch. she has some bad news and some good news.

start with the bad news. end on a good note.

someone hit her car again. 3.5 weeks before, a fancy woman in her brand new big car {2 miles off the lot} rear-ended Bunny when her daughter was driving her car to get it inspected. a cop saw the whole thing and the woman's insurance took care of Bunny's car.

yesterday, Bunny had to go in for a conference call at work and when she came out, there was a woman taking pictures of Bunny's car and a cop filling out a report. the cop told Bunny that the woman had hit Bunny's car trying to go into the parking space next to her; that a witness had seen the whole thing and stopped her from driving away, and had called it in to him. by the time Bunny had gotten there, it was basically a done deal. now Bunny is waiting for the police report to pop up in the computer and for her insurance company to call her.
poor Bunny's poor little car. Midnight has had a rough couple of months. she is an outlaw at the moment since she cannot get inspected until the damage is repaired. Bunny cried a lot yesterday. off and on all day. she's crying still today. she is just weary with all of life's unexpected bumps and scrapes. and right in the middle of writing this, she gets called to come in to work from 4 until close. Bunny, of course, said yes because she needs the money. she doesn't know when the next bump and/or scrape will come rushing at her and bowl her over.

she needs her Dragon so badly these days, but one of the scrapes from life took him from her and now all she has is her memories of him.

oh, how Bunny hates that concept at times. "oh, my dear, but you have your wonderful memories of your husband to cling to." tell that to someone who's drowning in sorrow. 'oh, i don't need to call someone to talk to. let me cling to my memories.'

stupid heads. Bunny wants her Dragon, and she misses him more when something bad happens to her. calling up all her lovely memories hurts her. it reminds her of what she had with him and how alone she really is. and oh, Lordy Lord how she knows he isn't going to get to come back to her loving fuzzy arms. so she does a lot of talking to Heaven up there. she does a lot of praying, just talking really to God and Mary, and to her beloved Dragon.

*Bunny looks up at the sky and waves hi to her sweetie.*

so she is dealing with this; this new car accident. she is dealing with life. and sometimes it sucks. she wants to move. she wants to be on the move. maybe get a camper and just drive around taking pictures and uploading, making millions that way; money she can survive on. she could be a little gypsy Bunny with Scotty dogs off in a cool camper off seeing places and avoiding people when she wants to. people hit Bunny's car wayyyy too much for her to want to be close to them.

now for the good news. Bunny has been asked to take over assistant managing a store of her own. she said yeah she would. it is more money. health care. and a lot more hours.

so that's it. the bad news and the good news. that's Bunny's life thus far.

missing her Dragon, getting smacked a bit by life's down, and getting lifted a tiny bit by life's ups.

"we are the music makers,

and we are the dreamers of dreams,

wandering by lone sea-breakers,

and sitting by desolate streams; -

world-losers and world-forsakers,

on whom the pale moon gleams;

yet we are the movers and shakers

of the world for ever, it seems."

~ Arthur O'Shaughnessy