the art of grief: Unanswerable Questions

how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.

there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.

this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Unanswerable Questions

it is a beautiful day here where i live. the only drawback is there is no ocean near. i can't walk to the water's edge like i did when my husband was alive. i find that i'm going a little crazy with the feel of the breeze off the water. i miss the sand and searching for shells and sand dollars. i have not enough to look at here in this city. i guess i could try to photograph the architecture and the lovely trees in bloom but, there is too much city here for me. yet i've no where else to go right now.

i think when i can financially, i might go visit Tybee Island, consider moving there. it will be halfway between my children. i will be beside the ocean. the drawback is that i will be completely alone. i don't know a soul there. i'm rambling. i want what i cannot have. i want my husband back. i want to be in his orbit, included in his excitement for life, surrounded by his sense of adventure. i want to feel whole again.

i want to know if he still loves me. i want reassurance that he is able to still think about me without causing any great sorrow. in Heaven there isn't supposed to be any sorrow. i don't want him to hurt, but i would like to know if Heaven allows him to still care about me as more than just a child of God. i want him to still love me as a husband loves his wife, as we loved each other in his life.

do you ever think of me?
do you wish you knew,
if i was tired or happy or
if i was sad or blue?

do you wonder where i am?
do you wonder who i see?
if i tell you how i worry now
could you send a sign to me?

do you ever ask "what if?"
do you ever want to cry?
if i ever get to Heaven
will i see you or was that our last good bye?

do you ever think of me?
do you say my name?
if i were never there again,
would you "never be the same?"

on this absolutely beautiful day, i am absolutely miserable. i miss my husband more, not less as time wears on. i have my okay days but they are not good ones. and i have my bad, really bad moments. and they are every day. my life has fallen down around me and i have sat down to pick up the pieces. i guess it took an absolutely beautiful day to shine enough light for me to see that not all the pieces are here.