upside down life

my lovely, wonderful husband died. my handsome Marine. my Dragon. he died and left me here alone. my life has been turned upside down and i am struggling to make sense of what i'm supposed to do now.

he called me his Beach Bunny because it's where i always ended up. for me, there is peace at the ocean's edge. shells, driftwood, sand dollars, smooth stones, ropes and line that were washed overboard and found their way to our cove. we'd walk the beach in the pre-dawn glow, during the brightest days or the wildest storms, and at night to watch the moon rise over the shimmery, watery horizon. we'd dance in the sand. we dreamed about what the rest of our lives together would be like. the rest of our lives together ended 9 February 2009.

now Bunny is upside down and the world is all wrong. i'm trying to find a way to save myself with creativity. my sewing for others. my sewing for myself. my writing. and now i found a new way to express my grief in a creative way that i hope keeps me from crying myself into a headache. solitary creativity as grief therapy.

i found a soft bunny and my daughter talked me into buying it today. i transferred over from my meager savings to get her. i'll get her a little swimmy suit when they get them in during the month of April. think about it. the photo shoot ideas are limitless.

i'm trying to save myself while i watch February come at me. the 9th will come. then Valentine's Day will roll right over me.

after that i'll be looking at every day from then on, however long "then on" lasts. and i'm scared. i am so scared without him. i wish.......

he promised me he wasn't ever going to leave me. he told me i was his whole world and then he said, "i love you so very much. i'll never leave you, my love. i'll put wheels on my walker and chase you around when we're old."

i know he didn't want to go and i'm not mad at him or at God. i am just so very sad that this is what has happened to me, to us, to the perfect us that lived in our own private world, in each other's arms, beside the beautifully harsh North Atlantic, down on the beach, in a secluded cove that held all the magic we could ever want.

close your eyes and imagine it. a Dragon and his Beach Bunny, dancing in each other's arms under the full moon. a haunting little song would drift up to you on the wind in a voice that was deep and filled with love.

"i'll give you a daisy a day, dear. i'll give you a daisy a day........

soft laughter. then you'd see the slowing down of their two bodies until only their feet shifted in the sand. the two shapes would appear almost as one as they turned dreamily under that soft silver light. the teasing would fade and be replaced with the feeling of the deep, spiritual bond between the two.

Dragon and Bunny in the world but not of it. in a world all their own. believing that they would grow old together. so grateful to have found each other. so in love that they never wanted to let each other go. holding hands even in the grocery store.

upside down is not fun. all the foam is rushing to Bunny's head. it makes her very tired.