the long week starts

i've been working all day. the long week alone is in full swing. no visitors unless i send up an SOS to my daughter. the last widow who kept up with me in any way has finally fallen by the wayside. no more contact from her. no responses to my phone calls or emails. it is my fault. i did not nurture her or take care of her as she wished. she wanted me to call her everyday to check on her and i did not. i admit that my nerves were frayed from her criticism of my life. i had an opportunity at a friend, but i let it slip through my fingers. to be honest, i didn't want to try. she wanted me to weave a net under her to keep her emotions safe and i don't know if i have enough to weave my own. *sigh* mea culpa.

i find, though, that i don't feel bad about it and i wonder what that says about me. i'm tired and i'm sad and it's been almost a year without my Dragon. my only contact with the outside world is through my daughter and through here. most of the time i'm fine with that. every once in a while it makes me melancholy.

i sit out on my balcony and stare at ....... other apartments. cars. the sky.

there is no ocean here. no salt in the air. it's kinda sad, every time we go to Wal-Mart i see the seagulls that scavenge through the garbage. they're scavengers by nature but somehow being this far inland, at a Wal-Mart, it's depressing. i like going out to get food, but i am relieved to get back. in my apartment there are shells, and driftwood, and rocks. it's a faux beach.

but the week alone is in full swing. i won't see anyone, anyone being my daughter, until next Monday. and that Monday will be the 8th. the start.

i'm sewing, beading, embroidering, creating. it's my legacy, i guess. that and my children. and my love for my Dragon.

oh, God, i miss him so much. it's coming and the pain is rising inside me. he's gone and he's not coming back. i'm a widow. i don't want to be a widow. i want to be his wife. i want to be with him. i want to be standing on the beach in the cold New England air with him adjusting my hat and my scarf. i want to hear his voice ask me, "are you getting cold? do you want to go on or go in?" i want to look up into his face and see his eyes crinkle in a smile. i want to see that piercing look as he makes his own judgement call because he knows i'll want to keep walking and taking photos. and whatever he decided was what i'd do because i love him. i'd follow him anywhere.
i'd follow him forever. even to the moon.

i've put up a link on the right to one of my favorite songs. it's under my Dragon's Moon. i hope you like it.