i think i give up

i think i'm going to give up. i'm tired of trying. nothing gets better. nothing gets easier.

i want him back. i need him so much. i'm so tired. i'm crying all the time now. again. i thought working be make things a little easier. i would be paying for things on my own. i have the hours, but now, the diagnosis hit me and flattened me.

high blood pressure and diabetes. and i have no health care. first it was, "wait until August." then earlier this week it was "wait until January." today it was "you have to wait until April 2012."

i think i give up. grief wins. life wins. i'm too tired. did i mention i cry all the time now when i'm here at the apartment? i just sit and cry and i can't do anything.

when i am here, i want to sleep all the time. i'm losing the fight for the light.
see. Bunny used to always wish, believe, and she swam in the ocean all the time; well, not in the winter time. that was her life before. click on the photo and enlarge it. you'll see that she arranged the refrigerator magnets to show you.

now she wishes for what can never be. she has stopped believing in anything remotely going her way, or even just being easy. and she hasn't been swimming since the summer before he died.

no water in her life. no ocean. no sand. no Dragon. almost, almost, no hope anymore. yes, it looks like Bunny is giving up. she is going to lay down and let life run right over her. it's going to anyway no matter what she does.

life is so unkind.

excuse me while Bunny goes and cries.