"the best thing that's ever been mine"

it's February first. whoopee. i just paid rent minus $25 dollars because they are taking my washer/dryer. it's not up to code anymore. so i will have to hand wash until i can have a day off and get to my daughter's to wash my things. *sigh* one hand of fate caresses my face and hands me $25 while the other hand slaps me hard. no more easy laundry. c'est la vie.

he is always on my mind but now, more and more and more as the days get closer to the 8th/9th. i have so much to say but i seldom write here because, well, very few ever comment to me anymore. thank you so much to the ones that do. you are the only voices i hear with regards to my grief.

possibly more read and don't know what to say, and i could put that little app on the side that lets me know who in the universe has stopped by, but i would be afraid i wouldn't see anyone there. it would hurt my feelings and i don't need my feelings hurt anymore than they already get hurt.

i've lost so many people in my life. i've met and met online so many people just through this grief journey that have turned away and left me here. i don't need to see who isn't there or never was.

there is a new playlist on Bear Radio at work. there's this song that i cannot really determine the lyrics too much but the repeating chorus is "you are the best thing that's ever been mine." it resonates with me and i find myself listening for it to come around again. when i first heard it, it snagged my heart and i was frozen for a second. now i find a little comfort in it. bittersweet. melancholy. it's haunting.
i can't believe it's almost been the end of 3 years without him. without his smiles. without his touch. without his voice. where ever he is is home. and i want to go home.

i've been very busy; working very hard. i only had 2 days off in January. busy month. nice money but i'm paid so little hourly that i bow to every hour they give me. i need them because it's never enough. my stomach is eating itself out from worry over the doctor's appointment next Tuesday before work. my stomach is eating itself with worry over what the VA will do when they get my W2. "oh, we won't be giving her anymore money now. she's on her feet." no, i'm not. i'm floundering. if they cut me off, i will have to ask my son for help. i am so scared over this.

i was asked to make a Bunny for someone at work. here she is. i've almost finished the little quilt that goes with her. i'll show you photos when it's all finished.
here is the quilt i finished recently. the widow has received it though i have not heard back from her about whether or not she or her son like it. there is a ton of embroidery in this quilt. i made 79 cents an hour on this quilt. it kills me to make so little for so much work, but i quoted her a price without knowing how much embroidery she wanted and i honor my word.
i was asked to make a Bunny for a widow in Texas. her name is Rose. she wanted flowers or clouds and the sun so i gave her both. the pants have flowers on them and the shirt has clouds and the sun.
and i took the time to make Bunny a little shirt like the one her Dragon wore. it's Marine Camo with his name embroidered over the left pocket and U.S. Marines embroidered over the right pocket. she's wearing her man's shirt at work. she honors him for me.
life scares me so much, but then so does death. will i really be reunited with him? does God want to punish me for my sometimes wicked, selfish thoughts? i am so very tired of all this. all these thoughts that i cannot stop from running through my mind. all the worries i have that i quite literally cannot do anything about. Serenity Prayer aside, my worries are about survival.

i miss him fiercely. i miss him being there to tell me it's all going to be alright. i miss him holding my hand. i miss sleeping next to him. i miss sleeping almost under him. he was so warm.

i keep thinking about what Betty White said. when she dies and goes to Heaven she hopes God says, "come in, Betty. here's Alan."

i want God to say, "come on in, Bunny. here's....." and then my Dragon interrupts God {no offense God} and says, "aww Babe, i've missed you. come on. i've found a great place by the ocean. there's a big quilt on the sand for us. let's go lay down together and let you take a nap. i know you must be tired. i've been watching over you. i know what you've been through. after your nap i'm going to show you all around. it's wonderful up here." and i look back and God and He's smiling at me, like He loves me or something, and is happy i'm finally home.