and the roller coaster car goes down.....

one metaphor for grief is a roller coaster.  the ride goes up.  good days.  the ride goes down.  bad days.

i'm having bad days recently.

i thought the new position and better pay would give me relief.  it has.  but relief is not the same thing as a good day.  i need a good day.

i need to trust things, life, myself.

i need to trust that a good day doesn't have to be defined as having nothing go wrong, like a hard drive crash, or a tail light go out on my car.  i fixed both those problems.

a bad day, or time, isn't defined as not having a day in this month's work schedule to see my daughter.  we just talk on the phone every night.  i'll see her next month.

but i am having a bad time of late.  i miss my son.  haven't seen him a long, long while.  we talk once a week, text all the time.  he loves me.  my new cell phone is on his family plan.  he pays.  i talk.  saying that makes me smile.  i am on his family plan.  he sent me two dozen roses for mother's day.

but i miss him.  and i miss my daughter. 

and i miss my husband.

"one of the oldest human needs is having someone to wonder where you are when you don't come home at night."  Margaret Mead.

this has been making me teary of late.  i'm sleeping more on my time off.  sleeping too much.  i'm just tired.  now am i tired because my foot hurts so damn much?  or am i tired because of this new 40 week and all the work i do during those hours, and the paperwork i bring home with me?

or am i tired because i miss these 3 people so very much and i need a brief visit with my son?  will i feel better if i can have one consistent day off to see my daughter like i did before?

i need their humor.  i need their fun.  i need to laugh.  i need human contact with people who know me, care about me, and love me.  screw finding a friend.  i need my children.

i wish i could spend one more day with my Dragon.  yeah, i went there.

 my kids never fail to make me laugh.

my husband always made me feel loved.  he was always touching me.  i miss that.

so, for right now, my roller coaster car is on a downward track.  i'm sure, eventually, it will come back up.  until then.........well, i gotta get to work.

thanks for reading/listening.  peace to all who read.  peace and light to all who grieve.