i hope so........

"i picture Death as being millions of years old but only looking about forty."

~ anonymous 

i've been trying very hard to ignore what i am feeling.  i'm tired.  i think i've been too outside myself of late.  i've given too much of myself away and i am drained.

  

i'm tired.

i would really like to talk to him.  i just want to hear his voice.

i want to hear the love in his voice.

i'd like to see his eyes when he smiles at me.

i'm tired.

i've got stuff going on i wish i could write about but it would be a

"oh, my good Lord, she is complaining again."

i don't want to be thought of as a complainer and yet i think i give that impression here.

but this the only place where i can talk about what hurts.

where else can i go?

i have no one to "complain" to.

is what i do complaining?  i always that that a horrid word.

it was a word that i thought was used as an insult.

complain.

it feels like a person who is not grateful for what they have.

i am grateful.  i am grateful for my little place, my dogs, my children,

and the life i had with him.

and yes, i am scared, lonely, alone, worried, exhausted.

so if i talk about it here, know that here is all i have.

complain?

oh, i hope i do not ever feel stifled by the worry of that word being thrown at my doorstep.

i need the freedom of being able to speak my mind here.

otherwise, i'll really and truly have no place to go.

"the most important thing any of us can do to comfort the grieving is to listen when they want to talk - and to accept their silence if they are unable to speak about their loss." 

~ Susan Jacoby

i work and function at a high level.  i keep thousands of details in my head about what needs to be done, what is coming up, who is doing what, how can i make the store run more smoothly, and then i get a feeling of being so terribly alone in the world.

i wish i could see my children more than i do.

and......

i miss him terribly.  i have my moments when it hurts so badly that i don't think i've made any progress at all.

is there even such a thing as "progress" or am i making progress and don't realize it?

am i being to hard on myself considering how much i love him and how fast he died,

how unexpectedly?

 "love is the only thing that we carry with us when we go...."

~ Louisa May Alcott

{i can hardly wait until Friday, my next day off.  i am going to see my daughter.  won't talk too much about what i feel but i get to be with someone who loves me and cares about what happens to me.}

i'd like to live in bed in a drafty old house.  just a handful of rooms.  kitchen, bathroom, porch, and a big-assed living room that would double as my library/bedroom.  there'd be a fireplace or a wood stove that i could keep going.  i'd hop in and out of bed and work, read, write, and most of all

sleep.

of course there's that money thing.

"i think God has planned the strength and beauty of youth to be physical.  but the strength and beauty of age is spiritual.  we gradually lose the strength and beauty that is temporary so we'll be sure to concentrate on the strength and beauty which is forever."

"hope means to keep living

amid desperation

and to keep humming

in the darkness."

~ Henri Nouwen

i promise i'm not complaining.  i'm just down.  i've been down again for a bit.

i need to go back to the doctor.  diabetes and high blood pressure doing okay.  it's the foot that is hurting.  i am having a hard time walking but walking and standing on my feet all day is all i do.

i think being in pain and only having 1 day a week off now is wearing on me.

and this last quilt i've been working on?  she has added weeks worth of embroidery work to it.

i cried after her phone call.  i want this one to be done.

 but she is a widow and this is her quilt.  she wants what she wants and all i could say was,

"yes."

"the Lord is near to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit."

~ Psalm 34:18

i hope so.