4 years

today is February 9th. at this exact moment, 4 years ago, he had already died. 12:03 AM. just after midnight and my life changed.

four years later i still grieve for him. but is that the correct word? by definition, grief means "suffering deep mental anguish due to bereavement." am i suffering deep mental anguish? not as much physical pain nor as much mental confusion as i once had, so i guess grief is the wrong word. but what word can i use that everyone would know? recognize? understand? melancholia?  the only word that fits what i feel is grief.

i miss him. i miss where we lived. where i am is okay. i provide for myself and get by; barely. life is hard. i am lonely, but i am lonely only for him, still, even after 4 years. i cannot bring myself to take off my wedding rings. i panic when i try so i acknowledge i am not ready for that step. when anyone asks, "what about dating?" i cringe. the thought of doing that, of interacting on a personal level with someone who might think of me "that way," it makes me hyperventilate. i am not ready. i know of others who went out and search, found other partners 3 years after, 2 years, and even remarried before the 1 year anniversary of the death of their loved one. i have not been moved towards anything like that.

in thinking of where i was at this moment 4 years ago i have questions that still haunt me. could i have saved him? was my CPR performed so badly that it was all my fault? if an EMT had been standing over him the moment it happened, could he have been saved?

what were my two children thinking during this long day that they were on airplanes, waiting at terminals during layovers trying to get to me? i have not asked them and have not ever thought of doing so until just this moment.  see what turning the microscope inwards does for you?

what have i done with my life in these 4 years? i work at a toy store. i build bears and bunnies and dogs and cats, etc. i make people happy. i live in a tiny apartment whose rent is entirely too much for the space. i take care of myself as best as i can and i live with my two Scotties, Carmen Sophia the wild gypsy girl with the sensitive soul and Scootie Wootums Lord of the Dance with the stardust eyes. we hang out when i am here and cuddle a lot. i still sew memory quilts for others but i am cutting back. time is precious and i have precious little of it working a 40 + hour week.

what have i done with myself these last 4 years? i have struggled alone with my grief. i write here and on a grief blog. i check back to see if anyone has commented. beyond that i have no one to speak to about this pain. i have not been fortunate enough to pay for counseling so me and Grief? we are on very intimate terms. i talk to her. she rides with me to and from work.  i eat with her. i sleep with her, a lot, probably still too much on my days off. we are sisters, soul mates. i have no idea how long she will stay but at least she is here with me while i, ah, grieve. i tell her i miss him and she understands. she knows. she is grief. i tell her i wish i could talk to him one more time and she crushes my heart in her embrace. i tell her i wish i could see him again and she expresses her wistfulness with me, our sighs blending in harmony, a song played out along the minor scale.

it has crossed my mind, very late at night when i am exhausted and worried out of my mind, that if she were to ever leave, i would truly be alone.

i am surviving but i am flat on my back. i keep track of everything, take stock in myself, my inner reserves. i try to keep a positive attitude yet allow myself to crumble every now and then. i am flat on my back at year 4, still laying here where his death has dumped me. but i am looking up at the sky, the oh, so beautiful sky, and i acknowledge that it is worth seeing. i am still here. i am still struggling but i am only human. i am a woman, a widow, and it has been 4 years. today.
so this little posting is simply me reaching out, touching base with the universe as it were, letting it know i am still out here. now, i must go. it is getting close to suppertime and my sister, Grief, is waiting to eat with me.