it's a mad world

so 3 years has come and gone. 3 years.

Valentine's Day has passed. it was hard.

i worked a long day and came home thinking about him, remembering that 3 years ago i was on the road to here,

from there.

my daughter was driving me away from home to here, which is supposed to be home,

and in certain ways it is,

but in the most elemental, most meaningful way,

it is not.

i realize i am searching for home. i search for it online with pictures of places i would like to live in, decorating that i would do. i find places i can only dream about.

i check out magazines that have pictures of houses and rooms i want to live in.

i see beds i'd like to sleep in.

i sometimes think, "i could do this better, do life better, if i had a bit more money. i could endure this without him if i had my own home."

i want to paint walls and spread out a little more than i can in this one bedroom apartment.

i want, i want, i want. i desire things. but they are all beyond my reach so i dream and cut photos and take pictures off the 'net to keep,

and look at,

and dream.

it's crazy out there in the real world. i have to be alert and focused and happy, happy, upbeat at work. but when i get home, i let myself collapse. i am tired. there are some very odd people out there. there are some different parenting styles that make me weep for the world.

today ~

a child wanted to stuff his bear right at that minute. there were two girls in front of him. i told him he was next. he said he wanted the two girls to die right then. he was 5. this is the second time this has happened this month.

today ~

a parent could not control her daughter who screamed for everything. screamed at decibel levels that went through everyone's collective heads like a nail. everyone vanished and i was left to deal with them. they drove other guests from the store. the mother was harried. she pleaded with her child to stop "being so bad." the child screamed, and i quote, "you have a boyfriend. i'll tell daddy." this child ran and ran and ran through the store tearing it apart.

i admit. i could not take it anymore. so i stood in front of the child and blocked her. she ran into me. it hurt. it stopped her long enough for me to say, "stop running. you'll fall. and now that i have your attention, do not throw out things on the floor."

she cursed me out, ran off to the back of the store laughing.

i turned to the mother and said, "you need to leave our store. your daughter has driven all our guests from the store. the store is a shambles. if you do not leave i will have to call security."

the mother took her child by the arm and left the store. it took me and another girl 45 minutes to set to rights what this child tore up. she was 12.

today ~

a parent rewarded her son for finally getting out of diapers. she said he liked being taken care of and that it had been a struggle for her to get him to want to be independent. i was a little taken aback. the boy smirked, yes, i deliberately chose that word, he smirked and said, "why should i do it when she was gonna do it for me." the boy is turning 8 in May.

today ~

a grandfather scared one of the young women who works at the store to death by threatening her job for not getting the coupon he had given her to go through the register. i heard the threats and went straight over and told the girl she could go take a quick break. i took the coupon and checked it to see why it would not run. it had expired in 2010. i told the man and he said, "run it again." i said, "no, sir. it will not run if i ran it 10,000 times. it has expired and the software won't accept it."

"give me my discount."

"no, sir. i cannot."

"i will get you fired."

"no, sir. you cannot. what i will do for you is give you another coupon worth $5. it's not the $10 off you want, but what i will also do for you is NOT call mall security and tell them you used physical and verbal intimidation on a 20 year old girl. do you accept these terms?"

he did. the grandfather turned to his grandson and said, "that's how you have to treat these women. see? grandpa got you $5 off."

it was a tough day today with some very difficult people. it's no wonder that i don't come back here and dream of a place that's all my own, a place i can say reflects my soul.

i miss him. i wonder when i'll feel stronger, or less tired at the end of my work day. when i finally crawl into bed, i am utterly defeated and exhausted. but i do have my moments of bliss. a new bunny is coming out. looking forward to that. getting the surprise visit from Lucy. the flowers from SSSF. my son surprise calling me on the phone in the middle of the week. sitting down crying only to have my two dogs leap up into my lap and stare at me, paw at me, and lick my face.

i miss him and i wonder,

if he could see me,

from wherever he is,

what would he think of me now?

winter feelings

the song that starts off this blog is not one that particularly relates to my grief. i just like it. that's what music is for.

i miss my camera. Bunny is looking pretty cute these days with some Christmas clothes i made her but i have no way of showing you.

people are so strange at work. they are either decent and fun or they are obnoxious and greedy and arrogant. there is no in-between. i was doing a heart ceremony for a little girl when a man in his 60's, very well-dressed, put his arrogant, self-entitled hand between my face and the face of the child i was helping and snapped his arrogant, self-entitled fingers. his words to me?

"get up and come help me, NOW." yes, emphasis on the "now."

i patiently told him i would be right with him. his "BITCH!" echoed through the store as he left in a huff. my manager patted me on the back later and said i had done the right thing. you don't abandon a child mid-heart ceremony.

a child came up to me and demanded i stuff her bear. her mother apologized for her attitude. i was patient. {i am always patient.} when it came time for the heart, she reached in the bin with both hands and grabbed so many little satin hearts that quite a few fell to the floor. her mother was horrified and told her to put them all back and take only one. i encouraged her to take only one by saying that there were so many other children who will be coming and will want hearts in their bears.

"i don't care about them. they can go suck it." {she was 10. this child was 10 years old.}

her mother gasped. "if you continue to talk like that i'm not getting the bear."

"yes, you are. you always get me what i want."

and sadly, the little girl got the bear, clothes, underbears - underwear for bears, shoes, purse, a $38 pink wardrobe for the clothes, a little bear cell phone, and a backpack like i carry Bunny in.

but the bear only got one heart.

i told her she could only put one heart in the bear. i held the bear, looking at her, and speaking in a low tone. i simply said, "i need you to put back every single heart, taking only one for your bear. this is a day, just a day when your mom decided to do something nice for you. and the bear? she's not greedy. she only wants one heart. please, put them all back and just pick out one for her. that's all she wants. one heart. one little girl to take care of her."

one heart in the bear. one small conversation in a gentle voice. but the rest of the time there, the little girl was tragically greedy.

and then there was the little girl who was home "visiting" from St. Jude's Children's Hospital where she's being treated for a brain tumor. she came home to "visit" because her mother is dying of her own form of cancer and won't make it to Christmas. the family brought them in for Bunny to help them make bears. the mother put her voice on a Build-A-Sound so the little girl can take it back to St. Jude's with her. the little girl put her voice on a Build-A-Sound so her mother will have it.

and yes, i was excused for a break after they all left the store so i could go to the back room and let go a little bit, and then compose myself to get back out there.

i miss my Dragon. i miss telling him about my day. i miss his holding me and feeling his warmth.

Christmas is coming and i wish he were here.

a police officer who is assigned to the area comes to the Mall a lot to do his beat; to do a walk through. the Mall is part of his assignment. i have gotten to know him. he is my age and will retire in 2 more years he says. he found out i was a widow. he has asked me to lunch.

and i told him, "no. i'm sorry. i hope our conversations did not mislead you. but going out to lunch with you would be unfair to you. i am still in love with my husband. i'm not ready for anything beyond friendship."

he was very gracious. he told me i had not mislead him at all. he knows i wear my wedding rings. he had just asked one of the other girls because he has never seen my husband come to pick me up or even visit me during work. he had just wondered and then had become interested in me. "i see you with the customers. you're so sweet. and i see how the kids love you. i was drawn to that. and any woman who can wear a bunny on her back and carry if off like you do is worth knowing. we'll be friends. how about that?"

i agreed and we shook on it.

a few days later he brought me a slip of paper that had a quote on it he had found.

it said, "we need time to miss the people and the things we lose no matter whether the loss is temporary or permanent." this quote comes from one of my favorite people. Mister Rogers.

it was cold when he had to leave me. he went where i cannot yet go. it is getting colder again. Christmas is coming. New Year's. my birthday. then his anniversary. his. just his. the anniversary of his having to leave me.

December, January, February. one-quarter of a year to get through. me and Bunny. we'll get by.

the world that Bunny sees

Bunny, that is to say i, am a wallflower. i am one by nature, nurture, and most definitely now, by choice. i talk a lot at work. i have to. guests come in and i need to find out a little about them, gage their wants, but mostly their desires. i feed on that desire like a vampire. it’s my job. get their money for our store. but i also try to get them to get for themselves what they want. and when i do their heart ceremony, i sincerely try to make it memorable, to make the hard earned money that they are going to spend on a stuffed animal worth their while.

so i cannot help but see things that might go unnoticed in a fast paced world. yhe fast pace all comes screeching to a halt at the “Choose Me,” at the sound board, and most definitely at the stuffer where the lines can get a little long if there are larger crowds in the store.

working in the store, a lot of the time people treat Bunny, me, a little like a servant. people get used to servants. they will say and do things in front of a servant they would never do in say the check out line of the grocery store, or in front of family during holidays, or at a scout meeting or school carnival.

"it's a mad world."

this is what Bunny sees. sometimes it is warms her spirit. sometimes it frightens her soul. sometimes it breaks her heart.

"and so much pain my dazzled eyes refuse to see...."

a father came in alone a while ago and opens with his story. on December 29th he finds out from his wife of 12 years has been cheating on him. he finds out when she kicks him out of "her house" so that it "won't be weird when" her new boyfriend moves in on December 30th, just in time for her kick ass party on the 31st. this father is forced to leave his 9-year-old daughter behind. in the ensuing months, his wife is attempting to take him for everything. she wants all the money, all of it. she wants his paycheck garnered and she will put HIM on an allowance. she wants full custody of their daughter with him only getting visitation once a month. his daughter cries over it. she wants to live with him. she does not like her mother’s new boyfriend.

the father spills all this out to me. he cries in the store. i run and get him a tissue. i listen to him. i talk him into making Build-A-Bear their thing. i talk him into buying a bear and putting his voice on a build-a-sound. he buys clothes and shoes, little glasses; he makes the bear look just like him. he buys gift cards that he plans on keeping for his daughter so that when he gets her on his once a month visit, he can bring her in to the store. he likes that this can be “their thing.” he leaves a little bit relieved. i feel drained. and worried. i’ve also talked him into talking to his lawyer to see if getting his daughter a cell so that he can text her would break any of the edicts set forth by the mother.

~~~~~~

i was the party bear for a 6-year-old’s birthday party. she had 11 guests in the 5 and 6 age range. you really need to be on your game to keep them entertained while they wait for their animal to be stuffed. two little girls got up and stood directly in front of me demanding that i stuff their bears first, before the birthday girl. they did not feel they had to wait. they said that since they were Indian, they had a higher status than anyone else. they told me their father’s family was very rich and very important back in India therefore making them certainly more important than anyone at that party. they should go first.

i said, “no. please, go and sit down.” their mother was standing there and looked a little embarrassed. she told her daughters to go and sit down. these two little girls turned and cursed her. they told her she was white and did not understand. they said they were going to tell their father on her. i interrupted their cursing their mother and asked them, “is your father or anyone in your father’s family a doctor?” no, they were in banking. i said, “so no one in your family has cured a disease? no one has helped humanity in any way other than to handle money?" the girls looked stunned. i continued. "i have just seen the two of you disrespect your mother. i see nothing here that warrants you to get special treatment. come back to a party where you have helped someone or have been respectful to the mother who gave birth to you and i will make sure you go first.” they sat down. their mother thanked me later but for a couple of days after that i was stressed that their father might call to have me fired. he never did. i still work there.

~~~~~~~

i sat before a mother who smacked the back of her son’s head and told him he was stupid. it was because he wanted his bear to say “i love you” rather than have the roar put in. he didn’t like the roar. his mother made him get the roar.

~~~~~~~~

i have stood before a mother who took an already stuffed tiger out of her 2-year-old son’s hands and told him he was too bad to have it. she told him he would “probably kill it. you’re that bad. you're stupid and bad.” she thrust the tiger into my arms and said, “take it back. he doesn’t deserve this.” the now sobbing child’s offense? he had accidently stepped on her foot that was wearing a very pretty sandal. she said it hurt and he probably messed up her expensive pedicure.

~~~~~~

a mother took her 3-year-old out of his stroller and let him walk around the store. she stood in line at the stuffer. there was a lot of people in the store. suddenly this mother shrieked! “where’s Toby? where the fuck is my son? there are too many GD people in this fucking store! everyone get the fuck out so i can find my son!”

he was in his father’s arms not two feet from this woman. when the man got his wife to calm down and see that he was standing right there with their son she took the child from his father’s arms and said, “you fucking asshole! he needs to walk around.” she put her son back on the floor where he immediately went to his father to be picked up. she smacked her son’s bottom, hard, and pushed him away from them. “he needs to learn independence. stop picking him the fuck up!” as a collective, everyone in the store shook their heads.

i miss you, Dragon. i really would like to talk to you about some of this stuff. just to sit in your lap and talk it all away.

so many stories i could tell, but i will close this with one.

a woman came in on the 2 year anniversary of my Dragon’s death. i worked that day. no one knew what that day meant to me. no one knew that inside i was struggling to breathe. the woman had her two daughters with her, 9 and 13. she wanted to buy a bear for each of them. there was something about the woman that was off. i sensed her disquiet. nothing she said. nothing on her face. she was loving and smiling, laughing with her daughters. girls day out.

i mentioned that maybe she would like to put her voice on a build-a-sound for each of the bears, that way her daughters would always have her voice with them. her face brightened, but still had an inscrutable quality to it. she wanted to do that so i took her off to the side, to a part of the store where it was quieter. she said to each of her daughter’s, “Mommy loves you so much. I will always be with you.” it hit me like a ton of bricks.

we stuffed the bears and put in what i call the “thumpy-thumpy heartbeat.” it is a little red heart that, when you press it, thumps for about 5 beats. it’s cool if you like the realism. i did a very poignant heart ceremony, more emotion than even i usually do. i felt i needed to.

when her daughters ran off to give their bears an “air bath,” the mother thanked me, hugged me and started to get very teary. she said, “the girls don’t know it yet, but i have to go back in for more breast cancer surgery. it will be the third time. i just don’t know. but thank you for this day. thank you for talking me into putting my voice in those bears. thank you so much for that heart ceremony.”

about 5 weeks later, their father came in to see me one day when i wasn’t working. he asked for my schedule. he wanted to talk only to me. no one knew why. he was very serious. everyone thought he was mad at me. so we waited for him to come in. when he walked in there was no other guest in the store. his eyes scanned us bear associates and his eyes stopped on me. he saw me with Bunny on my back. he walked up to the counter and said, “you did something extraordinary for my family. those bears, my wife was the one who went in for more cancer surgery. those bears mean everything to my girls now. my wife died on the table. i just wanted you to know that your talking to my wife, listening to her, it meant so much to her. my girls won’t let go of those bears except to go to school. i was wondering if i could buy more of those sound boxes and make more recordings of my wife’s voice i’ve collected. her cell phone message. from family movies. i don’t ever want my girls to not have a bear without her voice.”

i showed him how he could even make a re-recording of the one that was already in the bear, of the one she had made that day specifically for her girls. he bought 10 build-a-sounds. before he left he looked at me and said, “you understood what was happening, didn’t you? before she told you, she said you knew. what gave it away?”

i told him it was her eyes and her words. she had said, “I will always be with you.” i told him that "my husband had died and everyone tells me he will always be with me. if you say it, if you say that to someone, well, it’s not something you say unless you know you might be leaving.”

he nodded and shook my hand. “my girls and i, we’ll come back and see you soon.”

they have. i get hugs from the girls every time they come in. it also breaks my heart every time i see them. they are all hurting so badly, but then i understand that kind of pain. i understand any and every kind of pain. i see it all the time.