falling down

i hesitate to write and yet i owe the apology and explanation. i fell down; inside myself. i am in the midst of a deep physical and emotional crisis. i am facing too much stress right now and i fell down in the dirt. i shattered online, in public, and for that there is no excuse. whatever other crisis i have going on; personal, health wise; pleading for forgiveness when i was being told to re-read and listen was wrong of me and i apologize.

i have physical and emotional pain. this is above and beyond missing him. what was thought to be arthritis in my foot is not and the pain is quite bad. i do not wish to be thought needy or insane, but i cannot detail what happened other than there are other things weighing on my mind and i took everything that was written to heart. i was wrong.

i would like to continue here without fear of humiliation, but i promise to keep my grief writing to myself. i think i will simply put up some photos of all the commission work i have going on with very little actual writing; to just have some kind of touch with the world at large. i have no self-worth, but i do like what i have been asked to make. being able to make things for people does give me a trumped up reason to think there is a purpose for me still.

i looked at the online Grief Healing site but it is public. the things i need to talk to someone about go beyond putting it online. i am having flashbacks due to a current and rising situation with Voldemort. things from my past are making me blind to hope. i am sorry, but yes, his voice is inside my head since he has recently been in touch and i have to pay attention since it has not been nice.

but once again, i have no excuse for falling down like that publicly. it will not happen again.