open water and the Dragon over the setting sun

i miss my husband. today it is acting upon me physically and emotionally, causing me a pain that is pulling me down below the surface of this grief.

all around me life is going on while i feel like i am drifting out in open water. i am exposed and alone being carried along on a current that i have no idea where it is taking me. that's what it feels like when i read about how others are still grieving but so very busy, about the changes they are enacting in their lives because they have control over their own lives, and about how some are making a difference in the lives of others. then i examine what i have accomplished and see that my little business that i am struggling to get off the ground is doing nothing to change anyone's world. there is no impact that i can see. my Memory Quilts, all the things i sew and embroider do nothing for anyone. my art is just that,it is mine. it has no impact. i do not think it will leave any legacy at all. at least that is what it feels like today while these waves lift me so high up and the drop me down hard and fast in a trough so deep that i cannot see the sky. i cannot see what i am worth. i am still floating along but i cannot lift my head nor see anything but such sorrow right now.

i am worth a lot to my children and i am blessed with them. i also remember how it felt to be loved by my Dragon, and how alive i felt with him. now i only have the memories of how it felt. he gave me such a deep and beautiful love and i never took it for granted. i love him so much and we communicated that to each other daily. he is a force of nature and now that he is gone, it is like all the air was sucked out of the world, out of my world, and i am faltering. why did he have to go? why was he taken away from me? i am the one who has nothing to offer the world. i am the weak one. all i am and have is my love for my Dragon. why wasn't it me?

last night's sky gave the gift of the most beautiful sunset. the clouds gathered around the sun as it was making way for the moon, now waxing towards the 28th. i went and took pictures for an online community i joined: Clouds 365. it is something i can do now. i take photos of the clouds and upload them, and sometimes people say nice things, only nice things. no one has been mean yet.

i was very lonely last night for no particular reason. i miss him. the sky was beautiful and i wanted someone to share it with. i wanted him.

and there he was. strung out across the sky over the top of the setting sun. he was resting his chin on a cloud. my Dragon.

i wish i felt better. i keep working and feigning a smile on Mondays when i get to go out. i keep thinking any day now i will start to feel better. any day now the VA will come through. any day now someone will call and ask, "how are you? would you like a visit? i'd love to see you."

i wish i could find a way to make a difference some how so that i can be seen again. i would like to leave something behind so i might be remembered by at least one other person beyond my two children. if i died today my funeral would be an Eleanor Rigby affair.

i had thought i could make a mark with my sewing, my Memory quilts, and all the other things i can make but i am not sure anymore. that whole Facebook/confusion/smack-down showed me how quickly i can be the lowest common denominator and i have not come back from that yet. i second guess everything. on top of the dentist thing and facing the imagined fears of being a wraith in San Diego in August, i am in a bad place these days. my daughter and i are talking about it all and she is just as confused as i am about things but she is angry that people have been so cavalier with my feelings while i am just hurt about it. but whereas she wants to try to fix it, i am too tired to try. sometimes people, like things, get too broken to bother. i have patched myself and glued myself together so many times over my life that it should be routine. but since i see there is no one to whom it would really matter, and my children know that i am scarred, what is the point?

i miss him. i wish i had him to talk to. i wish i had him to laugh with. no matter how rough it got in our lives, there was love. we had each other. he would touch me. he would hold my hand. i would caress his face, touch his beard. i would massage his shoulders and his back. we nurtured each other and cared for each other in tangible and intangible ways all day every day. we loved being together. every moment was a blessing.

i miss being in his arms. i miss being liked, and loved. i miss my Dragon.

the heavy blanket of clouds is parting this afternoon. maybe there will be another Dragon in the sky this evening, warming himself over the setting sun. if not, then at least the moon is waxing.

and i will have a perfect view of both out here in open water.

one year, one month ~ grading on a curve

today is one of those almost perfect days. the weather is warm. my slider is open to a screen to let in air but not the birds that for some reason love to pull a Hitchcock on my balcony railing. they stare at me. don't laugh. i am serious. ever since i got one of those big birdseed bells last year, and a mutant crow came and gripped it in it talons, and ripped it off the hanger, they all seem to think i am going to put one out again. no way. i have small dogs, two scotties, and i don't want some big bird thinking they are charred birdseed.

so the slider is open but the screen is firmly shut. i'm embroidering on the last quilt for Suddenwidow and crossing my toes for more commissions. bury me people. i wouldn't mind a list a year and a half long. i just ate a quick bite and checked my email for some commissions that are being considered by people and my igoogle comes up. i love my flying, spinning pig that floats across the top and my applications like, well, yeah, the phases of the moon. i also have a calendar.

there is no avoiding looking at it. today. one year, one month.

am i better? how do you define better? would you consider grading on a curve? well, i don't sob and curl into a ball every single day. i do cry every night as i talk to God, and to him. i smile but my daughter says my eyes don't. i am thinking about the future and it freaks me out. i need health care because as bad as i feel right now, i know i'll feel worse someday. i can't live in this apartment for the rest of my life. i eventually need a car to get myself around. so the future scares the hell out of me.

i have, however, learned how to be more alone than i've ever been in my life. no one touches me but my daughter. once a week hugs. i only hear her and my son's voices now. i have the gift of online friends who are amazing. i have gotten flowers, my widow's ring, and the wherewithal to go to Camp Widow. never would i have gotten to go. never would i buy myself flowers. embroider them for myself, yes. but the smell isn't the same. and my rings, i find myself playing with my rings, making sure the little gold heart on the copper band of my wedding ring is perfectly centered. my widow's ring is closest to my heart.

as rings go i think i'm all backwards but that's me. eccentric thoughts lead to an eccentric life. my wedding ring has the heart on the band. when my Dragon gave it to me, the heart faced outwards to him. while i sat with him after he died, i took it off and turned it around and told him that my heart was closed to anyone and everything. i spoke those words while i was sitting there wanting to exchange places, or to go with him. but one year and one month later, God help me, it still holds true.

my daughter and i went out to supper one night about three weeks ago. we went to a Olive Garden. a man sent over a glass of wine for me. i told the waiter to thank the man but i declined. i told him i was very happily married and only out with my daughter. my daughter backed up the lie. or is it? i still feel married to him. i know he's gone. i know i am a widow. but i still feel so very married to him, so deeply connected, as strong a connection as the day we married, as the night he died.

or maybe i got the wine wrong. i am alone all the time so maybe my social skills are suffering. after we got in my daughter's car later i told her that maybe i hurt his feelings. maybe he saw the wild, unruly blonde hair, my long, patched denim skirt, and my big fake gold hoop earrings and thought i was an old hippie pothead. maybe he just wanted to score, but you know, weed, not sex. she had to stop the car she was laughing so hard. she said, "oh, God, mom. (our Dragon) would love it. i've missed your warped sense of humor. promise me. when you go to San Diego, you'll just say stuff. don't clam up. just say what you think. i promise you someone will laugh."

i have these grief surges. i read about them in a book another widow mailed to me. grief surges catch you off guard. you think, "i'm doing okay. i'm going to survive this. in fact, i damn well may smile today and it might even reach my eyes." then BAM. a song. the sound of seagulls over the Wal-Mart parking lot. or the sight of his beautiful face while i color correct all my photos of him. i feel short of breath. my heart actually hurts. my throat closes up as i fight off sobs. my eyes burn and the smile that was supposed to occur dies in sorrow.

so on this no big special deal today, just another month going by, here are some photos of my Dragon i don't think you've ever seen.

out on, okay, way out on Flat Rock Point dreaming of our island.

heading to the low tide point where we can wade across to climb up to the top of Salt Island.

there were crabs that made their home of this side of Flat Rock Point. we always went to check on them at dusk.

at the end of the Dog Bar off Eastern Point Light. we loved it out here during storms. the waves would slam into the granite and arch over the seawall. great place to be when the wind was howling. no one else would be out there.

my beautiful, wild Dragon. i miss you, love.

do you ever think of me? do you say my name? if i were never there again, would you never be the same? ~ my little rhyme for the day.