i can't sleep. my eyes are burning and my stomach is growling. i sent off my "pre-first of the month supplicant to the master letter" yesterday morning and there has been no reply. typical but with it being between Christmas and New Year's, my panic is rising. he's going to his third family Christmas gift exchange tomorrow. i hope he checks his email before he goes. all i can do is hope. he's never not done it. it's just the issue wanting to eat, of being able to get food and not waiting to eat eggs and toast until Monday. my daughter said she hopes she gets her paycheck on Thursday so she can get it cashed at the bank. if she does, she'll get a few things at the grocery store for me and i can pay her back. i hope one of us gets some money. my stomach hurts, but panic is not the only reason i'm awake.2010 is coming. i'll be moving into a new year. a new number. it won't be the same numeral as the year he died. i can't make it sound right.
New Year's Eve will be the full moon. mine and his full moon. it will be the end of the year in which he died. it will be a different number. for some insane reason this had me falling apart earlier. i'm moving further away from the day he died. in two and a half months, it will be a full year since he died. Valentine's Day will be the anniversary of his funeral. (expletive deleted). no one was thinking, least of all me. to sit in a church and look at his flag, his ugly black plastic box that we got from the funeral home on Valentine's Day and to forever associate that day with ........
i can't sleep. another full moon. a new year. same me. same fears. same anguish. same cold, cold, cold life.
he'd be cooking the bed now with his body heat. i'd be plastered up against him. his right arm around me. my hand on his chest. his left hand on my hip. my cold feet and legs intertwined with his. like the second Dragon handkerchief. if we'd died together like that, they would have had to untangle us, like a pretzel, like a Celtic knot.
it's now 1:55 am. i'm not a slow typist. the photos took longer for some reason. silly puppies. my constant companions. our lives are so upside down.
maybe i'll go make toast. and drink some tea. and draw. i'll have to turn the light on. but it doesn't matter. i'm the only one here and the puppies love toast. i'll have to ration the bread though. i only have a quarter of a loaf left. (expletive deleted)
