what is wrong with me?

i do not know what is wrong with me,

but something has to be wrong.

i'm not getting with the program.

i'm not moving on.

i miss him immensely.  i wish he were here.

i wish i were stronger inside.

i wish i wasn't so scared.

i am upset with myself.

i don't know how to fix this.

i try so hard to do everything correctly;

do what is expected of me.

i am working very focused on being what i am supposed to be.

but i cannot lie.

i am not happy.

i am not content.

in fact, i am miserable.

i am scared and worried and filled with anxiety.

i am deathly worried about money,

still, 

again.

right now i have to wait 3 months for health care with this new job,

but at least i have a new job.

the pay is less but at least i will have income.

so why am i so miserable.

no, it's not bears anymore.

i sell shoes.

and if i thought they could be unreasonable about bears

they are psycho about shoes.

beyond my fears of life,

as for searching for that happiness thing i have tried to promise myself,

i am failing.

i feel numb inside.

i feel insincere when i smile.

it's tired and fake.

but i manage it for a paycheck.

i keep it all inside until i get back here.

i am failing my children though.

they want me to be happy.

i lie but they can see that i am depressed.

i am too exhausted to do anything but sleep on my days off.

8 hour shifts.  hour + drive to and from work.

i am exhausted.

and i pay my bills but i have little left over for food.

i need the left over funds for gas to get to work and meds.

what is wrong with me that i cannot get on board with this new life?

i am lonely.  i miss talking to him.

i do not have friends.  i do not have the time.

and yet, i would really like to have someone to talk to.

i cry a lot on that hour + drive to and from work.

it's a long haul and takes so much gas.

it's a lonely drive way out there, to another town.

4 towns over.

one more week of that training and then,

i will be sent to another store.

only 40 minutes away, 5 minutes further away than Northlake

where i used to work.

i hate the idea

of always finding jobs

that want me in stores

that are so freakin' far away.

i wish i could find something where i could sit down

and work and make money

and be given health care

and it's only 10 minutes away.

i read about other widows who are getting along just fine;

in fact they are thriving.

they plan trips, go out with friends, date, get married again,

set up big foundations and become renowned as humanitarians

saviors,

put on pedestals

have people come to them sobbing saying, "you've saved me."

"shown me how to live."

they take tragedy and turn it into livelihood

into something so grand and honorable

while i have done nothing but try to write away my pain

and i've gotten

nowhere.

these women are living.

they truly live.

they are thriving,

not just merely existing,

like me.

i am not living at all.  i am struggling.

i am merely trying to survive.

and i think it's too much to ask life

to let me enjoy some small part of it again.

is it the money thing?

is it the feeling of safety?

of knowing they have a place to live and friends, support around them?

is it knowing, the confidence of being able to go to get food,

any amount of food they want at any time that makes life so much more bareable?

would having those things make it more bearable to me?

would this pain i am trying to write away right now vanish were i to have

enough to live on?

am i an ungrateful wretch for wanting that?

i should just be grateful for a job

that pays and gives health care; and i am.

i should just be grateful that that is all i have.

barely enough is as good as any feast, right?

but my dreams... my fantasies....

in them i have so much more.

nothing crazy, just a small cottage by the sea.

a place for my dogs and me to be free,

and safe.

what is wrong with me that i want these things?

am i that arrogant and selfish?

freedom from worry and anxiety.

i just want to have enough to eat and be safe.

i'd like to have him back.

i'd like to have a touch more than barely enough to get by.

such an arrogant shit i am.

what is wrong with me?

the bad thing happened

i happened today.  i was called to a meeting.  they are closing my store.

the silver lining is that they want me to move back to the store i trained in; the one that is 5 minutes from my apartment.  i will be making $2 an hour less, dropping down in health benefits but still keeping some.  it all happens on April 25th.

i have already started looking for another part time job so that i can get back that 40 hour work week.  going to try to get something so much closer to the apartment.  no more 35 minute drives to work.  just 5 minutes up the road to the mall, or some shop close by.

please wish me luck.  i need it.  i cried all day.  i asked for it off, paid, so that i could grieve over this and get myself regrouped to face the upcoming fall out of putting up signs in my store that we're closing.

this has hit me so hard.  my daughter is sort of happy since i have been so very stressed.  it has damaged my health to be so stressed.  i hope everything works out for me.  i hope i get lucky and find another little job.

i'm a little bit happy to be going back to my old store.  it is so very close.  God, i missed being so close to home.  that drive was killing me financially with gas going up to $4 a gal, plus the exhaustion of working so long and then having that long drive back so late at night.  now if i can just find another position somewhere.  two part time jobs.  i'm not over-qualified so maybe i'll have a chance.

please wish me luck.  i need it.

i wish i could talk to him.  he had been in tight jams before.  he was such a survivor, well, until he didn't survive the heart attack.  i have to be honest and say i have been worried about myself, about the way i've been feeling physically.  i'm so tired and my back and neck burn and ache, and it sometimes goes into my armpit.  my blood pressure has been good and i take all my meds.  i pray, meditate, talk to ...... let's just call it prayer.  i'm trying to hard to be worthy of better luck in this life and then be worthy of peace and safety in the next.

but i am just so broken.

right now, tonight, i am terrified, filled with stress and worry,

and am having a hard time holding onto hope.

it's taking all i have left to keep going.

fear and worry

wish i knew what to say.  just reaching out to anyone who will listen.  fear and worry are taking over my life.  money.  stress.  my daughter is the same way.  gas is almost $4 a gallon.  $20 barely gets me half a tank and i have to drive 30 minutes each way.

and i have been told not to hang from a rope about a raise.  my store did not earn enough.  the traffic through there and the things they bought compared to other larger stores in more tourist areas did not make enough.  even the tourist area stores are down.  so how do i pay rent, gas, car payment, bills, and eat when i cannot afford those things?

really?  all the hard work i put into that store and there is no cost of living raise?  not even a $1 more an hour?

and looking for a job now, at my age, in this economy.............

fear and worry.  wish i had someone to talk to.  to unburden on.  holding it all in and crying alone on my own.

maybe i won't have to worry for long.  the freakin' stress will kill me.

i see the world so differently now.  so few care.  everyone is in the water fighting to hold on.  and the ones that have a place on the raft are trying to get away from the rest of us as fast as they can.

"this is the way the world will end

not with a bang but a whimper."  ~ T.S. Eliot

i hear the whimpering every day.  and with the intensity of my own fear and worry, my own has joined the chorus.

i need some hope.  can't seem to find where i lost mine.

oh, how much i wish he were here to talk to, to lean on, to help me.  the grieving process slows, comes to a complete halt, when there are so many worries.  it's a cruel, antagonistic world.  i need ............. something.

taking a flying leap

for the last 3 months i've been having car trouble.  my clutch was slipping.  just a little bit every day. i was losing control over my car and it was scaring me.  i saved the money to buy a clutch and have been desperately trying to save the money to pay the $700 labor to get it installed before i lost my car completely.

well, i didn't make it.  all last week i struggled and panicked trying to drive to work and drive back home.  trust is hard for me.  i don't have any for really anyone.  i've seen so many people come on strong, make assurances they were there for me, we were kindred spirits, and then they disappear.

and now my beloved Midnight was leaving me.  i just could not get the money together fast enough to fix her.  it was breaking my heart.

Friday was horrible.  the clutch slipped so much i could not get it above 60 mph to get to work.  getting home was worse.  she took forever to get above 30 from sitting at a light.  i was crying when i walked in the door.  so grateful to be there and terrified at how it was going to be for Saturday.

i called my son and cried.  he said, "mom, i'm worried about you hemorrhaging money on that car.  give me some time.  i want you safe."

Saturday was harrowing.  i got to work, barely, but almost did not make it home.  10 PM sitting at a green light and she could not get herself to go.  it was sheer power of prayer that got me home.  my poor Midnight.  but during the day on Saturday my son called me to tell me that on Sunday, my day off, i was to go to a dealership and pick up my new car.  he had them down to a monthly payment i can sort of live with.  {my son said he would help me whenever i needed it.}

so today, i had to get a tow truck to haul Midnight to the dealership, spend the 3 hours doing the paperwork, etc. etc. and here he is.

this is my new car.  only 2 years old rather than 13.  less than 60K miles rather than over 200K.  and it's an automatic.  i've named the car after my son.

 

he's handsome and young and strong, and i believe i can trust him.

i have done the math on my new car payment and new, more expensive car insurance, but i think i can do it.  and i have my son.  and my daughter.

it was hard to shut down and let my "little boy" take charge and do best what a man does.  but i recognize that he is a man now.  my beautiful little boy is grown up and proven once again he will help take care of me.  i can call him no matter what.  he was as exhausted as i was at the end of today, but we got it done.  i have a new dependable car that gets 38 mp gallon rather than 9. 

i took a flying leap with this car payment and increased insurance payment but i need a dependable car.  and my adorable little Seanaroonie car is so great.  going into fall and then winter where the days are so short and the nights so long, and cold, {yes, my little Seanaroonie car has a HEATER!!!} it was what i needed to do.  big girl panties are on.  budget time is heavy duty, but i have my children to turn to, talk to, ask help of.  i am blessed.

peace to all who read.  peace and light {and great help/support/kids} to all who grieve.