birthday

i have this weekend off.  today, tomorrow, and sunday.  laundry done.  a bit of food in the fridge.  going in the morning for an oil change.  cable television cancelled.  only internet now.  counting pennies.  filed a waiver of hardship with the VA....waiting.  exhausted and lonely and......

but i have my dogs and a job and my children.  i do have my bit of money even if i juggle the food end of things.  i have health care.  i had love.

i had my time at the ocean's edge.  i had my love, my Dragon.  {i still have him in my every thought.}

i went to the doctor for my hand.  it's in a splint now.  bone chip.  all this time it was a legitimate health issue and not my being tired and fretful or arthritis.  well, there is arthritis there, too, but he said, "chipped bone in there, so that must be hurting quite a bit more than regular arthritis."  it does.  it will for a while.  i didn't accept a pain script.  i can deal with pain.  don't need to spend that money.

it's coming on my "season."  my birthday is next week.  i will be 2 years older than my mother was when she died.  it feels weird.

9 February will be 4 years since he died.  it feels so long ago and then i gasp and it feels like last summer.  the pain can burn inside my veins and my neck feels hot.  my tears burn my eyes.  i shake.

eyes open, eyes closed, i can still feel him beside me; remember what it was like.  i remember holding his hand.  touching his beard.

but i look at pictures of him and i feel lost from him.  the memory, vivid though it is, feels far away.  there is an ebb and flow to the intensity of my memories.  i feel like i strain for more - like the way he smelled, the sound of his voice.  touch is all i can remember really well and the warmth of his body.  is it because my mind is purposely trying to cloud the memories behind a veil to protect me from continuing this hard grief?

i miss him so.  i miss the simple companionship we had.  i drive home from work at 10 PM and i hang up from talking to my daughter.  i know i will walk into my apartment to care for my little dogs, but i will have no supper waiting, no warm arms to embrace me, no questions about how my day was, no one to wonder should i not make it home that night.

my birthday is coming up and there will be no party.  i work that day.  it's not big deal.  i'll be turning 55.  not any big deal at all.

and it's childish of me to wish it were a small bit of a big deal.

i wish i could call him back to me.  i always, still, look to the moon.  but is it more the analogy that i have put myself on the moon looking down at life?  am i the one that is still and lifeless?  or is my image of my Dragon flying off to Heaven, around the moon, looking back at me that is the correct one?  is any dream of a lost loved one, dreams that last forever, healthy?  am i moving on as they say?  i am living.  but i love him.  i am supporting myself, fighting for myself, but i still love him.  the ebb and flow of the salt water that makes up my tears.

LOOK how the pale queen of the silent night

Doth cause the ocean to attend upon her,

And he, as long as she is in his sight,

With her full tide is ready her to honor.

But when the silver waggon of the moon

Is mounted up so high he cannot follow,

The sea calls home his crystal waves to moan,

And with low ebb doth manifest his sorrow.

So you that are the sovereign of my heart

Have all my joys attending on your will;

My joys low-ebbing when you do depart,

When you return their tide my heart doth fill.

So as you come and as you do depart,

Joys ebb and flow within my tender heart.

Charles Best

 my birthday is coming up.  i have two friends who will be waiting for me to come back to them after work.  i think i will stop off and get a cupcake and a candle and make a wish.

Mr. Scootie Wootums, Lord of the Dance with the Stardust Eyes

 Ms. Carmen Sophia, the Wild Gypsy Girl with the Sensitive Soul

the kind of friends who are constant in an inconstant world.

birthday Bunny

it's my birthday tomorrow. i'm working. my last day off was last Monday. my next day off is a week from this Tuesday. i'm a little tired. scratch that. i'm really pretty tired. i work at work and come back here and work.

it's my daughter's birthday, too, and she has off for it. i'm going to miss seeing her, but i'm glad she gets the day off. we both work hard. my daughter gave me a gift. i love it. it's a small aquarium tank so i can grow plants underwater. my own tiny ocean. i gave her a gift. a Build-A-Bear, of course. so sad that i can't do more for her.

i don't feel one way or the other about my birthday. it's just another day. i don't celebrate it. it's just another day that i work. i worked on my birthday last year. the others take their day off but i do not feel like i can or should. money is money and i need every cent.

i finished another quilt and have started on the next. i am waiting for the woman to send me the address she wants me to mail the quilt to. i am also waiting for her to send me the balance due on this quilt and the deposit for the next. waiting. waiting. she's busy though. she works 2 - 3 days a week and then travels the rest. whenever she has the time, i'd like to get that check though. it would mean the world to me. it's a mere drop in the bucket to her. sadly though, it means i worked for about a $1 an hour on her quilt. lots and lots of embroidery.

i sometimes do not think anyone has any idea ~ even though i tell them, even though they see the finished product ~ how much time it takes to do everything by hand, to make the kind of quilts i make.

i have had people show photos of other quilts they have had made while they wait for one of mine. they have sent clothes to some place that cuts them all up into squares, and triangles to make squares, that run them up on sewing machines and get them out in about 3 weeks. months later i am still hand embroidering very detailed work. i see those photos of those quilts and i admit it, i do suffer a blow to my heart.

i have things i'd like to make for myself and for my children. but i put commissions above my own personal work.

i miss him more and more. that sounds like i am not getting over this, or dealing with it well. in a way i'm not. i'm suffering. but in my defense, i get confronted with suffering and grief on almost a daily basis. New Year's Eve ~ the little girl who didn't want to die that night. she didn't die. she did 5 days later. yesterday ~ the man and his daughter's who came into the store to buy a new bear for his wife, their mother. his wife is in a coma in a bed in their living room which is now her bedroom. if you ask this man, he is most definitely raising his daughters with his wife. he is not a single parent. the girls talk to their mom all the time. they show her things they've made. she is very much a part of their lives. she likes to hold bears. her arm curls around them when they place them next to her. the doctors say she is in there somewhere. she could awaken at any time. any time has been about 11 years now.

i make animals and do heart ceremonies for death. i am the one they come to because they've heard i do it so very personally. they know i will honor the purpose for the stuffed animal. it's hard for me to get around my own grief when i see others grieving so deeply. it keeps it all fresh for me. i never interrupt their stories with my own. no one knows why i can connect to them. they just accept that i am a "sensitive soul." everyone has a calling. i guess this is what i am supposed to do. i had hoped it would be one of more frivolity but, que sara sara.

{i'd like to interrupt this blog with an update. i have camera again. in fact, i have two. Sandy sent me her old camera as a gift. such a beautiful digital. i use it now for all my sky shots. i feel that is what it's for as it traveled miles and miles in saddle bags with Sandy and her beloved. Dan sent me half funds for a new camera from B&H. i had ordered it and it was on it's way when Sandy sent me hers. the new camera is what i use for the moon. it is 14X zoom so, i think, you can almost see my Dragon on the moon up there. anyway, i want to sincerely and humbly thank both Sandy and Dan for helping me get a camera back into my hands. i find that life is gentler when i can take a photo of it.}

i miss my Dragon. i wish he were here with me. not to be cocky, but after watching her on "Inside the Actor's Studio," i think i am sort of like Betty White. she talked about her work as a actress. she talked about her passion working with animals. her answer to the question "what do you want God to say to you when you get to Heaven?" was this: "come on in, Betty. here's Alan." her husband Alan has been gone for a little over 30 years. she said in an interview, "i'm killing time until i see him again by living."

that's what i hope my children see me doing; living. i am living but missing him. i am living by helping others make stuffed animals. i put my heart and soul into them so that these people will see a heart and soul in their animal.

i miss him. it's my birthday and once again, i am alone through it. no party. no hugs and kisses. no going to bed with him. just another day of work.

it's my birthday tomorrow and it doesn't mean anything to me at all. {well, i guess it does a little since i wrote about it.}
Bunny's gotta get to work. she's all dressed for a birthday party she's been requested to do for a gay man who is turning 21. he promised me he is coming in full drag with 10 of his closest friends. it's going to be a blast. finally, Bunny's going to have some fun today celebrating someone else's birthday.

my birthday thoughts

if you are reading my words and are among us who mourn your spouse/fiancee, there is nothing i can tell you that you do not already know.

if you are here reading and have never known such a tragedy, there is nothing i can tell you either for there is no way to prepare.

my birthday is Saturday, the 16th, the first since my Dragon's death. i feel a wave of depression coming on that i do not know how i will handle, but probably i will not say anything. i mean what's the point. most of you reading here understand. so i will do something different, something to argue with the cold that lives inside me. i want you to meet my Dragon.

i know. you've read about him, BUT, you haven't been introduced to him. you only know him as my hero. let me introduce you to the man.

he hated having his picture taken. he was wanted in several countries for patriotic actions against said country and having his picture taken went against the grain. he never got a tattoo for the same reason though he let me paint a dragon on him once. that was a fun night.

he was my height which made kissing him and dancing with him in the sand perfect. he had big shoulders and thick muscles. his back even had muscles. his legs were tree trunks but speaking as an artist, he was perfectly proportioned.

i could wear his shoes but he could not wear mine.

he loved black coffee but being a Marine that kind of goes without saying. Rule #23. Never mess with a Marine's coffee if you want to live.

his favorite color was brown until i showed him the color of the ocean before a fast moving squall when the sun was still out. "turbulent sea foam turquoise-y green." (i reserve all rights and privileges to the use of that color name though i don't think Crayola will ever be upset or make a crayola long enough to stamp it on the sleeve.)

i was the only one who could tell him to do something and forget to say please and thank you but i never forgot and he appreciated that. he never "told" me to do anything. he asked sweetly and we did it together.

he wasn't afraid of anything and i had to be careful not to dare him to do anything i didn't want to see him do. he'd do anything.

he never thought it was odd that my relaxation reading was theoretical physics.

he could figure a way out of anything and contrary to popular myths about dragons and Marines, his first thoughts didn't involve violence. but he knew how to do that if it meant saving his men, his country, or his family.

he wasn't afraid of the dark or heights. for training once, they had him do a HALO dive after midnight landing on the deck of a darkened ship in the middle of the ocean. i asked him if he was scared and he said no. he said he'd been more scared of me saying no to his marriage proposal than anything else he'd ever done.

he knew a lot about survival. he hated that guy Bear Grylls but respected Les Stroud, as long as his show didn't look faked.

he'd been in every country in the world except for eleven. i'd point out a country on the map and ask, "what did you do here?" once he said, "i walked through that one to get to this one." i smiled and teased, "did anyone see you?" he smiled and said, "no, because that would have been bad." he meant it. you always knew when he was serious, even if he was smiling.

he loved the Marine Corps. he loved his country. Semper Fi.
he was the leader of his fire team. they got little ceramic skunks because they were always stuck with the "stinky" jobs.

he told me that he and his mom never admitted to each other that he'd been in Vietnam for even one tour much less three. she referred to it as that "time you were off with the Marines." her letters were addressed to California so he let her pretend he lived on base there.

he'd eat anything, cooked or raw. if it crawled, walked, swam, or flew, he had a recipe for it. he'd eat a lot of things raw, too. he said that when he was away from home, he usually wasn't in the tourist part of the country so he would find something to eat and keep it down. protein was protein. but he didn't mind that i was a picky eater. he called it an "endearing quirk." and he'd eat the sides i didn't like.

he didn't kill spiders or mice, etc. he'd catch them and set them free outside, and yes, he sometimes could catch a fly in the air. he never killed those either.

he loved old houses, history, the ocean, and John Wayne movies. so did i.

he loved going to bed early and not going directly to sleep. so did i.

when he found out that i collected rocks and shells and sand dollars, he started collecting them, too. he picked up every rock he ever found.

the day of his funeral, after it, when it was time for my daughter and i to drive away from my ocean forever, i took all my rocks and shells and sand dollars to our beach. it was Valentine's Day. it was my gift back to our beach since i don't think i will ever see it again. i set all my collected treasures free.

i kept his shells and sand dollars and rocks though. i put his bigger sand dollars in my grandfather's cufflink box. i covered some of his rocks to "protect" his fingerprints which i fully believe with all my heart are still on his rocks.

he finally grew to accept that i adored the ground he walked on. i never thought he was a monster. his ex-wife learned what he did and screamed at him. she called him a murderer. that's why she divorced him. he was a terrible, evil person as far as she was concerned. he'd been divorced for 12 years when we met. i thought he was a patriot. i thought his eyes looked closed off. i wanted to make his eyes smile so i made it my sole purpose in life to let him know that his ex-wife was just a person, one person, and that she was wrong.

i told him i loved him every day, several times a day because i thought he was just so cool. he always blushed.
when he got a call, picked up his go bag to leave, i never cried. i kissed him and told him to be careful. he said he was proud of me for not crying in front of him but he knew i was scared for him and cried while he was gone. when he would come home, it would take me two weeks to stop smiling. i held his hand all the time. i would sit in his lap, on the floor at his feet asking his questions, letting him talk it out, or i would sit scrunched up against his side. he loved that i would do that.

the day my ex-husband met my Dragon, he had dropped my son off from taking him out to supper. my ex was upset about something and called me out to the driveway. to make his point he grabbed my hand and bent it back in a way that physiology and nature did not intend it to go. it was just what he did and i never showed emotion or he'd get too excited. if i waited him out, he would stop and let go. but my Dragon didn't think i needed to wait like that. my Dragon came out and said in a voice that was low and soft and devoid of emotion, "release her." when my ex did, my Dragon slapped my ex with an open hand. the crack was very loud. louder than they ever show on television when someone does that. my ex fell on top of the hood of his car. my Dragon leaned over him and said, "if you ever touch her or her children again, i will come into your home and wake you up. mine will be the last face you see. i know how to do it. it's what they trained me for and i have to tell you that for you, my moral compass would bend way back, as far back as you had her hand. that means that for you, i would enjoy it."

my ex has never touched me or either of my children. i still ask though since my son has elected himself as the ambassador to keep the peace. he still goes to see his father but only, as he says, "you keep your friends close and your enemies closer."

i never saw my Dragon threaten anyone before that or after that. it was a side he didn't let me see. he was upset that i saw it that time, but i told him, "i know you only use your powers for good." he hugged me. it was a turning point for us. he believed i was in his life to release him of his demons. he said, "because you love me, i'll find absolution." i cried behind his back because it hurt me so much that he felt that way about himself.

he thought it was funny that i don't care for diamonds. but he wanted me to have one so he found the ring you see below. the diamond is very tiny. it's called a "pinpoint of light." it made him think of a star in the sky. it's my engagement ring. the other band is my wedding ring. it has "love always" engraved in it. i've taken the set off twice since he gave them to me. the first time was when i sat beside his body in the hospital after they told me he was dead. i took the ring off and turned the heart that he had facing out towards him, back towards me. my heart is his. it is not for anyone to feel is open to them in any way but a quiet friendship.

the second time i took my rings off was for this photo. so you could see how well he knew me and accepted my jewelry quirks. i put my rings back on before i uploaded the photo.
he taught me all i know about love.

he isn't here for my birthday. he died. i believe the world is a darker, colder, and less safe place because of that. i'm sure there is someone out there who has taken his place in the seedy, not tourist parts of the world, where things need to be done, but i think my Dragon was the best and most honorable. but that's me.

i miss him. terribly. and now with my birthday coming i feel a darkness rising up, threatening to make me hurt hard again. so i wanted to introduce you to the man i know. now i don't have to think too hard. i can come back here and read on Saturday when i need a fortress against the pain.

thank you for sticking with me. btw, i love him.