the unanswerable

i have been meeting and talking to the Matriarch of Grief and Joy as often as my work schedule allows. trying for once a week, but sometimes it is only once a month. still i am blessed to have the opportunity to talk to her.

i brought it up. i was crying, admitting to missing him. i told her he was wonderful. i listed his qualities: handsome, intelligent, irreverent, kind, sexy, funny, generous, intuitive, ah, we all have the same list. i told her i have not been sleeping. so little sleep these last couple of months. Christmas, New Years, the pneumonia, my birthday, then the 2 year milestone and his funeral anniversary aka Valentine's Day. i am exhausted.

see me above, eyes wide open. so very tired yet sleep eludes me.

the full moon is tomorrow night. my eyes are always on the night sky. and all of it is sitting on my chest. all of it. and so i brought it up at my session. i heard myself say what i knew she would have no answer to.
where is he? will i see him again? does he think about me? what's going to happen to me after i die? will he be waiting? oh, where is he?

i am not asking it as a question of faith even though it really is. i want him back. or i simply want to know if i will see him again. now people will tell me, "of course you will." but we do not know. we will not know until we take that last breath.

i remember his.

i miss him. i miss his smell. i miss his voice. i miss the feeling of him being in the room. i am feeling the weight of his absence. i am feeling down, both emotionally and physically. my only real fun is Bunny. she keeps me entertained. she keeps me feeling creative.

and being creative is all i have, all i am. it defines me.

"womanNshadows? do you know her?"

"yeah, she's the creative one. she writes. she takes pictures. and she sews."

Bunny has her own projects. she has sent off her clone, the Traveling Ambassador. we both keep up with where she is in the world.

her new project is her Great Sparkly Moon Book Project. cleaning out a closet, she found a journal i have not written in yet. she came sashaying in and told me she wanted the book for her moon photos. the "gallery" of moon photos on the wall is getting a little out of hand. they keep reminding us of the passing of time. so we have taken the photos down and gotten others printed at the 6 cent Tuesday at Wolf Camera. now all she has to do is put them in order and put them in their sticky photo corners and put them in the sparkly book.
then she will write in the book all her own private thoughts and poetry. the cover of the book is beaded with stars and the sun and a moon, hence the name of her project: Great Sparkly Moon Book. {like Bunny really needs another project.}

and while she quietly puts photos in sticky photo corners, and then puts them in the pages of the book, we will both be thinking of the unanswerable questions that plague us both.

where is he really? is he happy? is he safe? does he still think of me? will i see him again? will he be waiting for me?

it comes and goes, these questions. most of the time i can ignore my more philosophical side, my deeper thoughts, these unanswerable questions. but there are nights, like when a full moon is near.........