i need you so much i almost cannot bear it .....

i need you back.

for just a little while. until i get well. i need you.

i have not felt this sick and been without you. my lungs feel like an aquarium.
every time i cough i get piercing pain in my head and go fuzzy. i go sliding down so i do not fall down, but it is the liquid sloshing around in my lungs, that melted jello-feel inside there that upsets me so.

please come hold me tonight. i really need to be with you right now.
the fever was 103. the doctor gave me a shot of antibiotics to kick start the meds. i wish you were here to be with, to make food for me, to refill my juice and tea. magic tea. i used to call it magic tea because you always magically filled it when it got low. you cannot do that anymore.

i wish you could. i love your magic tea.
no matter how i lay, my lungs feel crowded. i cannot get enough air though i do think it is getting better. so many meds. samples all, bless the woman doctor who saw my panic at the expected costs of what i would need to be on.

if you had been there with me, you would have smiled and spread your big hand over my head, finger combed my hair and winked. as it was, please, God, bless my daughter who had that frightened child look about her but the woman resiliency in her to get me to the Urgent Care and speak for me. when she saw me getting the shot, i gave her a smile and a thumbs up. i made a joke about the shot.

3 women in one room. one a doctor. one a woman who is the child of the third. i nodded to the doctor, who gave all her instructions to my daughter and in doing so, gave her the gift and burden of adulthood. caring for her mother.
she has been wonderful, my daughter has. but the nights. aw, Dragon, dear, the nights are so bad. i lie there alone and i cannot breathe. the wheezing is so raspy. soupy. air should not sound like water. the paroxysms of coughing that shake my bones. the fluid in my lungs that makes me feel like i am going to drown.

i wish you were here. i need you so much i almost cannot bear it.......

just until i get well.

Bunny has pneumonia

that's all. just letting everyone know.

i hit a severe crisis last night. could not breathe. my daughter took me into an Urgent Care. i was diagnosed with pneumonia. i got two shots for free, a hand out of anti-nausea pills, and a script for antibiotics.

the doctor even gave Bun a note to take to work when she returns. her lovely daughter called her store and told them everything. they said, "she, of all people, do not have to worry about keeping her job." what a relief. now i can go crawl onto the sofa and work on getting well.

i just wanted to let everyone know.

Bunny is very, very sick.....

......really sick. she is a little scared, too. she went to work and got up from the stuffer that stuffs the bears and bunnies and she staggered dizzily from not being able to breathe. they saw and sent her on her way. she is so hot and so cold. her little Bunny Bun Bun head hurts awful and every time she coughs it is like knives are being thrust into her little Bunny chest.

she is a little scared this time around. this feels a little worse. she can hardly wait for her daughter to get off work and talk to her.

she can hardly wait until she feels better. maybe when the fever breaks. maybe if she could just take one deep breathe that does not hurt her.

maybe if she did not have to work tomorrow. scared little Bunny quivering under the quilt.

it is not new year's eve to Bunny. it is just another day that she is so very sick. and scared about it.

Dragon? where are you? i need you! please come sit with me. please. *hot Bunny tears fall*

never thought......

i never thought i'd feel this ill,

i never thought i'd be this tired,

i never thought i'd need you so

that you could not be with me.

i never thought i feel this misplaced

in a world i no longer know;

i never thought i'd be this weary

and not have you to hold me.

i never thought i'd be this old this young.

i never thought i'd be this young

and have to live without you.

i never thought you'd have to go.

we promised each other our whole lives

but "our" life ended too soon.

i'm ill and weary, lonely for you,

and there is nothing i can do.

one sided conversation

i have been embroidering jeans and a shirt for Bunny, the Traveling Ambassador of Grief and Whimsey. she will be very pretty when i am done. also she will have sounds in her little hands/paws. one side will say, "i love you." the other side will giggle like Bunny here does.Bunny and i have been working very hard and we ran out of Airborne, that tablet that helps prevent us from getting colds. well, we got one and, like in times before, it is a doozy. crushing chest weights. fever. chills. feeling like i will not make it. they seem to get worse every year.

so here is the one sided conversation that plays out in my head like it has in the past.

i give you, my Dragon.

She is sick again. I can hear her wheezing badly. God, I hate this. I wish I could take care of her but I can't anymore. I can only be here out of reach, out of her hearing me. It brings her down so low and yesterday, if I could have done something to stop her I would have. She went to work. She f***ing went to work feeling like she does! I know {our daughter} was really upset and worried. Every breath she takes she wheezes. She sounds likes she's whistling. And the fever. How could they not tell she was sick? She's killing herself to keep that job. If they don't hire her permanently I am going to come down there and raise some hell!

Dragon, can you hear me? probably not. you're in Heaven and i'm down here in Purgatory. well, not really Purgatory but you know what i mean. being without you feels like that. {long pause} i'm sick again. it's in my chest. why does it always settle in my chest? i know, my lungs were scarred or damaged from that time before. i'm hot. i'm so hot right now. and i may have to work from 5 - 10 PM tonight. i'm on call, like last night. but you would have been proud of me. i got there and focused on the job and brought up the percentage of sales on sounds. i did a good job.

Aw, Bunny, my love. I wish you could hear me and know I'm here. Please know I'm here. I could never leave you. You always believed in God. I was the heathen. You know God would never let me be far from you. You were the one who believed. I'm here. Close your eyes and feel me close.

i wish you were here. i like the way you made the hot tea. i don't know what you did but it always tasted good and it helped me sleep.

Because I slipped in some whiskey. You never knew that. I wished I had told you so you could do it now. There were so many things I did for you. I wish I hadn't been so sneaky. Like the hot washcloths for your chest. I rubbed Vick's on them. God, I wish I had told you. I just never thought I'd have to leave like I did.

i'm so tired. i wish things were different. i wish you hadn't had to go. i can't eat. nothing tastes good and i'm too tired to really cook. {our daughter} is worried enough without me telling her how down i really feel. she got mad at me for going into work last night.

She was just upset, Love. She was just worried about you. You look so tired and you sound sick. You can't breathe! Just stay down today. Lay around and sleep. Read. Sew a little but only if you can do it while laying on the sofa. Please. For me. I don't want you to die like this. Gasping for air. Like I did. Your voice. God, I remember your voice. How scared you were. And you're there alone. Without me to help you, to be there for you. But I'm here, Love, my Beautiful Bunny. I'll be here for you always.

i wish you could hear me. i wish i knew if you were out there to watch over me, waiting for me. i'm laying on my pillowcase with your face on it. i'm under my quilt i made from some of your clothes. i just wish it were you i was laying with. i think i could sleep if only you were here with me.
I'm here, my Love. Try to sleep. Play your songs and try to sleep. Let the medicine try to work. I'm here, my Bunny. Close your eyes and try to find me in your dreams.

Bunny, the Traveling Ambassador

i have had such a great response to my crazy idea of sending Bunny to all of you for a visit. i have already gotten some email with your addresses. if you want a visit from Bunny, please click the link at the right, my full moon profile, to get to my email address. send me your mailing address and i will put it in Bunny's journal for someone to mail her to you.

i work today and will be picking up a little shirt and a pair of jeans that i am going to embroider for her. i'd like to get a bunch of address for her so i can have her in the mail by either the 14th or 21st of January. i think by then everyone who wants a visit will have emailed me.

so get those addresses to me so we can get Bunny on her way.

wild idea on a lonely Christmas Day

so i am answering an email to Suddenwidow when i had this, what i thought was, an amazing idea. i could make another Bunny, just like my Bunny, and mail her to different people for a "visit."

let me quantify this with: i am alone today. my daughter has already come and gone. i have a cold. maybe it is the guaifenesin talking.

but i could mail Bunny to someone. i would send a journal along with her so everyone could write little notes in it, draw little drawings, put in stickers and tape in postcards. if she goes to another country, put in a coin and a stamp from there. also write about your grief. write down your heart's thoughts to her because she understands what you have lost. she is a good listener.

take little photos of Bunny in the snow, in your home on the sofa munching on the popcorn, beside the water if you live near water {just not in the water}. email the photos to me and when she is returned to me ~ i will set a deadline, like October 1st she needs to be mailed back to me ~ i can write about her travels and print up the photos and mail it to everyone.

she could visit Suddenwidow, Dan, Boo, J in Wales, Lonesome Dove, Judy, all of you who wish to be part of it. let me know where she is and where she is headed and i will plot her on a map.

she could be our fuzzy Ambassador of Grief and Whimsey.

i never thought i would put those two words together.

what do you think? am i crazy? am i living vicariously through Bunny since i cannot go anywhere?

i will make another Bunny since i cannot, cannot, absolutely cannot let this Bunny go. i hope some of you want to participate. let me know either email or as comments and we'll get this started. at worst, it is something to look forward to.

Traveling Bunny of Grief and Whimsey

only she will be in a box and not be bringing so much stuff.