supermoon for Dragon

it is the night of the full moon again, but this time it is the supermoon. it will be closer to the Earth than it has in 19 years. i am back from work. i see clouds moving in so i do not know if i will be allowed to see it.

that is why i am so glad i planned ahead. up early. before sunrise, still the 19th, this morning at 6 AM. the moon.
but still i wait for it tonight. still i will hope that i can see it.

i am despondent of late. i am melancholy and quietly suffering. i miss him. like everyone else on this path of widow(er)hood, i am suffering. i love him so and miss him with all my life and breath.

i work and come back here. i still seldom call the apartment home though it is becoming more so as i get more and more tired.

i got good news. i am the associate at work given the most hours. being given hours is based on performance, and i perform. no one would ever know that my soul is dying on the vine. no one knows i am grieving, that i am sighing inside, that i welcome going back to the apartment and to my constant, furry companions and yet i dread walking inside to this empty place, living this empty life.

i think i am going through a bout of depression. but i will not medicate myself through it. i do not want chemical happiness. i just want to keep going.

i wish he were here. i wish i knew if he remembers me, worries about me, but then it really isn't for us to know. i think we are not meant to know otherwise our choices here would be vastly different. for example, i might just sit down and wait for him to come to me, and never lift my head again.

that sounds terribly sad. no worries. i am simply very sad tonight. exhausted. still living under the humidifier. i cannot turn it off yet. i still need it. and that scares me a little.
i think i will just lay down tonight and wait for my Dragon to come. i will cry a lot tonight, which sucks because it will make me more congested. c'est la vie. my "vie." but i will allow myself to give in to this sullen moon. i will hope the clouds part for a moment so i can see the "supermoon." i will lay down and give up and give in ...... at least for tonight.

"come to me in my dreams and then by day i shall be well again. for the night will more than pay the hopeless longing of the day." ~ W. Shakespeare

gifties in the mail

i got a box in the mail. in it were a couple of gifties and a card with more gift card gifties. at first i was a little lost. no name. just a card that said i have a secret pal. i have no idea but you know where i live and that narrows it down. whoever you are, i am grateful, thankful, and without any other words to mark this wonderful thing you have done, all i have left is: thank you.

thank you, thank you, thank you.

you have no idea how wonderful and how perfectly timed this gift has come.

or maybe you do.

{Bunny turns her fuzzy little head to wipe away a stray tear of gratitude and relief.}

unfocused mind / fractured thoughts

they are calling it the "supermoon." the full moon of March 19th, 2011, will be closest to the Earth in 19 years ~ only 221,567 miles. i hope it isn't cloudy. i hope i do not have to work until 10 PM and miss it's rising, when it will really look huge due to the atmosphere being denser closer to the horizon.

i keep adding to my Great Sparkly Moon Book. i am trying to find the time to put it up on mixbook with some of my writing. trying to find the time.

stuff has been going on. spats in the widow world on my end, local stuff. stupid stuff. me caught in the middle as the mediator, or the voice of reason, which is funny since all i want to do is smack everyone, tell them to shut up and go away. husbands have died and you're bickering? seriously? for the love of Pete. worse things have happened to you than this petty crap. remember?

i think i'm still treading water. i am just drifting along in my life like i was when he first died. i look to everyone here for contact. i look to everyone who will be letting Bunny visit for my laughter and smiles. Boo has been cracking me up with her and Bunny's antics. loving it. i need the laughter.

my daughter is working things out with her "problem child." she can crack the whip like i've never seen, like i cannot. it takes a lot for me to snarl.

i am thinking of quitting going to see the grief counselor. i cannot connect to her. i just can't. so many missed appointments, and when i go, she just does not seem to really care. i have heard others speak about their counselors and there is a bond there. i know of a woman whom i wish had been my counselor but it is impossible i think. i do work for her for free and it defines the relationship. her ~ "please do this." me ~ "of course." her from a position of power. me ~ worker bee.

i told this other woman, the woman who bartered the deal with me ~ quilt for sessions ~ i told her something that has defined my life. i told her something terrible that had happened to me when i was a very small girl, but it was something that i can recall as if it had happened yesterday. i know where i was, where my mother was, what we were wearing, the sounds in the room, the exact time of day, and i know what it did to me. i know how it changed me and crippled me in a way that, after 49 years, is irreversible.

no one ever knew this had happened to me until i told my Dragon. it is nothing that affects anyone but me. it does not interfere in work, relationships, only how i feel about myself and what i think about myself. only my Dragon had ever known. he held me and cried for me.

then i told the counselor at the widow's retreat in November. it felt good to know that someone else in the world knew about this. with my Dragon gone, i had felt so alone. she reacted like i had hoped she would. it felt good. but then she is not my grief counselor so the ability to really delve into it ended with the end of the retreat that Sunday evening.

so i told my grief counselor. she was very unemotional about it. but then i am not really a patient. i am not really her client. i am in a barter relationship. i get to talk. she gets a quilt. i have worked so very hard on her quilt. if i do say so, it is gorgeous. the talks? so many cancelled due to holidays and her going away and ice. and my taking two of them to take care of getting tags for my car and to take care of my daughter. then she flat out forgot me that one time. her apology was, "people forget stuff sometimes." that stuff was me. her associate in the office thought it was extremely odd, not like her. it was, she said, "very out of the ordinary. she has never forgotten a client."

i have not seen her since she forgot me. she had to cancel another appointment.

i do not think it will be bad for me to just slip away. i do not think she really cares all that much. she's waiting on her quilt and she knows i will honor my word. i think i can just ease away from her and she won't really even notice as long as she gets the quilt.

i miss my Dragon. i miss evenings like this with the rain falling and a cool breeze coming through the screen of the open window. we would talk. or read. his presence in the room was always comfortable. he was warm. very warm body. sometimes i would play with his beard while he read. he'd smile and try to focus on the book.

i was just always so fascinated with him. he was so handsome. he smelled so good. he never got put out or tired of me just touching him. like i was blind and he was my braille book. just touching him.

did i mention this month has the 'supermoon?' i hope it isn't cloudy.

referenced from Not Even A Wren's site......

the song from youtube is posted on Megan's Not Even A Wren site. it hit me in the stomach, the lyrics. i love this so very much and needed to hear this song. thank you so much, Megan.

Love Is Our Cross to Bear ~ John Gorka

I didn't know where to look for you last night
I didn't know where to find you
I didn't know how I could touch that light
That's always gathering behind you

I didn't know that I would find a way
To find you in the morning
But love can pull you out of yesterday
As it takes you without warning

I want to be a long time friend to you
I want to be a long time known
Not one of your memory's used-to-bes
A summer's fading song

CHORUS:
It's from me, it's to you
For your eyes
It's a weight, a wonder that is wise
I am here, you are there
Love is our cross to bear

I know I'll think of us upon that hill
With the golden moon arising
And the stars will fall around us still
While the love is realizing

And so it is until we meet again
And I throw my arms around you
You can count the gray hairs in my head
I'll still be thankful that I found you

two dog night

i had a long day at work. several children's parties to do/perform for, whatever it is called. i was the head party person all perky and happy. i kept all the children entertained and happy. more importantly, i kept the parents all happy.

i am wiped out.

i am driving back to the apartment and i think, "i'll surprise my dogs and quickly step in to take a picture."

i walk in the door and see this.

Carmen Sophia wasn't asleep. i had stepped in and she did not turn her head towards me. i heard her sigh. do dogs sigh? it sounded like she did. then she got up and came over, all happy to see me. her little yips and cries were so heartbreaking because i know she missed me. 10 hours is a long day for them.

i sat down to eat my supper, a bowl of Cheerios, and answer a couple of emails, to check in with my daughter, and i got hit in the soul with a photo on my background.

this one.

i could not eat my cereal. i got choked up and started to cry.

i miss him. i miss our walks. i miss the snow. i know, crazy to miss that cold, deep, wet mess, but when you walked like we did together, the sudden cessation of doing that carves the sorrow of not getting to do that anymore into your soul.
we walked, obviously, in any weather. Carmen and Scootie loved walking. they are such curious little dogs. so funny.

i miss getting soaking wet and cold. i miss his having a small flask of hot chocolate in his pocket in case my bout with hypothermia reared its ugly head. {i was told that having had that happen exacerbates the pneumonia. if i get cold, blam. my lungs react badly.} my Dragon would let me walk in the snow, but he kept watch on our time and took care of me. it wasn't so much the snow as warming up afterwards, or rather, his technique for warming me up.

*sigh* i miss him terribly.

having Carmen and Scootie with me as my constant companions has been a great comfort and blessing to me. they are so crazy. so cute. such a little team.
but i think they miss him. maybe it's exhaustion making my mind take a fanciful turn. after all, i'm the one who sent a stuffed bunny, the Traveling Ambassador of Grief and Whimsy, on a road trip around the world.

but then again, i believe in little tiny miracles. like a Dragon finding a woman deep in the shadows; like a Dragon loving a woman as scarred as i am. little miracles.

like believing that a little dog can miss her master, and that maybe she really did sigh.

a storm is coming. heavy rain. it's going to be a two dog night. then again, it's always a two dog night at my place.

Marlene Dietrich friends

"it's the friends that you can call at 4 AM that matter."

Bunny has woken up and smelled the coffee, though she is a green tea drinker. Bunny has friends. all her lamenting not having a friend to come over and talk to her. all her moaning that she does not feel comfortable calling anyone at 4 AM, she solemnly raises her hand and admits she was wrong.Bunny has friends. they just do not live here in town. not a problem. phones and emails. Bunny has her little tribe that has hung with her for the last 2 years. Suzann, Deb, Boo, Dan, Thelma, SSSF (do not count the bunnies up in the photo and compare. those are just all the bunnies i have.} thank you for hanging in there with the Bun/me. she/me loves you all.

we need to all plan to meet at the beach somewhere, somewhere warm that has drinks with umbrellas. we need some together time in the sun laughing and communing. Bunny has a new bikini. oh, don't gag. she has a new bikini. not me.
Bunny talked to one of her Marlene Dietrich friends yesterday. so nice. she hung up knowing she has a sister out there who will answer the phone at 4. she would jump on a plane and come to her if she needed her. {the plane thing? that would be life and death. Bunny does not abuse friendships.}

clap clap. Bunny has friends. she apologizes that it has taken her so long to realize that distance does not matter. you cannot pick your family, but you can pick your friends. you cannot pick where they live, but that does not matter.

love, light, peace, and the awareness that you are all so much and so humbly appreciated.

the walking dead

i feel like the walking dead. i am drained. too much bad. so little good that happens. something terrible happened today. i could see the signs of this coming, like "red sky at morning."i am in tears, sobbing. i wish i could talk about it to you, to someone, but at this moment it is still so very private. it is only a phone call kind of conversation, or face-to-face.

i feel caved in. i feel sick. i feel dead inside when i think of life. i am too tired of living. there has to be a time for me during this life when all things are okay. i do not need magnificent. joy is so far away as to be unreachable. i just want "okay."

i need him back. i really need him here right now. this is something he can do. this is something he can make right. but when i look up, he is still gone, still dead, still never coming back to help me, to stand with me, to be here with me.

me and my daughter need him so bad. we need our Dragon.

please, please, can you hear me calling you? i need you. she needs you.
where are you? help me. please, help me. i am so tired. i can't sleep anymore. i need you. life has handed me so much more than i think i can take.

~~~~~~~~

update: i just called her and her voice sounds strong. she is a strong woman. even though Dragon was not her biological father, she has so much of him inside her, so much of his strength and spirit. she is his daughter in her soul. God, i love them both so much. i love my son and daughter and my beloved Dragon. please take care of us. please help us get through this. and please, above all, don't let anything bad happen to her. keep her safe.

last update for tonight: she just called. her friends came and got her. she is going to stay with them in their guest room for a few nights. she is safe. her voice is strong and determined. most of all, she is safe. friends and mothers. sometimes that is enough to keep the monster away so a girl can get some rest and breathe.