life goes on but what am i?

a woman came into the store yesterday. her 77 year old mother was widowed 2o months ago. this woman misses her dad but she worries about her mother. she said to me, "you're a widow. please try to explain to me what she means when she says the nights are the hardest." this woman, the widow's daughter is my age, but this is the first time death has touched her life. she says she is trying to understand her mother but she cannot. she wants her mother to start dating. she laughed when i looked at her askance. "that's the same look my mother gives me."

so i tried to explain. from my own personal point of view.

i told her that maybe at 77, i think it is okay for her mother to not want to date. i quietly told her that her mother had been married to her husband for over 50 years and if she wants to stay home, garden a little, read, and nap that was okay. she has earned her time of rest.

i told this woman that nights were hard because a spouse gets use to the ritual of bedtime. a couple has their things they do. there is talking. there is the getting into bed and the kissing, the hand holding, the warmth. after doing that for years, to suddenly go to bed alone, it is a shock to the system and the routine. to know that if you get up in the night for a drink or to go to the bathroom, there is no voice in the dark asking if you are alright. there is no one to open the covers for you to climb back into bed and snuggle to warm up again. there is no one to listen to his or her breath in the darkness of the room.

then i told her that when a spouse dies, you are forever changed. nothing will taste the same, feel the same, look the same, and you will not react the same anymore. something very valuable has been taken from you. you want to talk about it. you do not want to talk about it. it changes with your mood and your mood changes every couple of breaths.

this woman asked me if i still cry. i looked at her. i just stood there in Build-A-Bear in my stupid khaki shorts, my denim work shirt with the lanyard around my neck that has my scissors clipped to it, and my plastic case for my photo of my Dragon and i could not speak. all i could do was try to remember how to breathe. then the woman caught her breath and said to me, "oh, my God, i am so very sorry." she touched my arm for a brief moment and said again, "oh, my God. the pain on your face. i see it on my mother's. i am so sorry. i shouldn't have asked. of course you cry. you loved him, didn't you? you are still in love with him. it doesn't just stop, does it?"

all i could manage was, "no, death does not stop someone from loving the deceased."

this woman came into the store again today. she brought her mother with her. her mother came up to me at the stuffer with Bunny. she wanted to stuff a bunny like my Bunny. she smiled at me and i knew her. i knew her eyes. without her daughter needing to be there, i could see it in her eyes. we are living through a shared pain.

i stuffed her bunny and then did a very poignant heart ceremony for her. she put one in. i put one in her bunny, too, for the memory of another widow she had connected to. her daughter was in tears, sobbing. the 77 year old widow and i? we did not cry. we smiled at each other, though i know the evidence of our loss was reflected in our eyes.

we hugged, the older widow and i. then they left.

my daughter and her husband are doing better. he has a job. he is helping her. she is happy. "mom, your talk to him shocked him. you have a way about you when you talk like that. it's your voice, your words. you don't talk long but you do go for the gut. you ripped him apart and he has straightened up and is back to the guy i fell in love with."

i'm glad for her. i want her safe and happy. they have rented a house. further away. not by much but it is a good 20 - 25 minutes away now.

life goes on. mine does not. what is going on with me right now is the way it will be until i die. get up and work. go to bed and fight to sleep. get up and work. go to bed and fight to sleep. i am the kind of person who shines in someone's life for 10 minutes to maybe 2 months tops and then i am not needed anymore. i have my online friends. i do not know what i would do without you all. i have my dogs. my children have their lives. they would be beside me in a New York minute if i needed them, so i don't abuse the privilege.

i miss him. i miss him breathing beside me. i miss talking to him. i miss his silences. i miss knowing he will be there when i wake up. i miss the companionship. i miss believing in .... something, anything, other than an existence such as i have; one of constant, never-ending work.

someday i am going to save up enough money to go to a beach somewhere. go by myself. me and the dogs. rent a small cabin. sit on the beach and just talk to him. be with him. remember him. hold myself in my arms and pretend we are still together. it will have to be timed for me to be there during a full moon. and i want to go during a warm time. i have been so cold for so long now.

i'd really rather be dreaming than be awake. it's just sleep is so hard to find.

crying.

that's something i have become a master at.

what am i? what do people see when they see me? they want the Bunny Lady for the parties because she is so much fun. i know. i was shocked to hear that, too. i've been told i am awesome. so soulful with the heart ceremonies. i am the go-to girl for kids with cancer and widows and divorced dads who have their kids only once a week. heartfelt. i understand the human condition. i think i am the girl who cried flowers.

it's a book by Jane Yolan. the story is about a woman who, when she cries, instead of tears, she cries flowers. but to cry, she must be sad. the villagers abuse her by telling her horrible sad stories so she cries flowers for them. she is pale and wan. exhausted. a man falls in love with her and she with him. they marry and he takes her further away so she can be happy. he does not want her sad. but they find her, the villagers. and while her husband is away during the day, they come to her and make her cry so they will have bouquets for weddings, and funerals, and christenings. her husband comes home early one day and finds her sobbing. he chases out the people and is angry with his wife for allowing them to be so cruel. she explains that they need her and she does not want to be mean. they want flowers. her husband is still angry and cannot understand why she lets the people use her so. she cannot understand why he cannot see that she cannot turn them away. she leaves and runs into the forest. she cries and cries, and she dies because she is so tired from her life. her husband finds her as the forest takes her body and turns her into a living tree. an olive tree. her branches reach down to her husband and form a small home for him. the fruit from her branches feed him. she shelters him. and in this way, they are together until he passes from this life. the moment he dies, she, as the tree, dies, too.

i am tired from all the crying and consoling and comforting and hearts and listening i do for everyone every day. but i am so humbly grateful for the job. tomorrow i start my training as a manager. yes, they want me to become a manager.

life goes on, but what am i? i am Bunny who keeps her silence. i am abandonedsouls sewing for everyone. i am womanNshadows who sits in the dark and misses her Dragon more than is probably good for her.

it's a process, i guess. only another widow(er) would understand.

burning photos

nothing really to say.

just one of those nights.

lonely.

burning photos off the computer and being hit with the knowledge that there will never be anymore.

missing him.

the music says it all.

such a cutie

Carmen Sophia loved to help him drive.

he was my scavenger in places i was afraid to go.

you're still the one.

finding a way home...

i don't know how to sleep anymore. i used to know. we'd say, "you ready?" and we'd get up and do things. i would set aside sewing or my book. we would walk the dogs one last time together, either silently enjoying the night air or speaking quietly to each other. but we held hands.

we would return and i would free the dogs from their leashes while he locked up and turned off lights. we would brush teeth, etc. and then get into bed. naked. we slept naked together. well, in the winter i wore socks but otherwise..... because he was warm-blooded. he was like a furnace. so hot. i love sleeping with him. his arm around me. my head on his shoulder, my hand on his chest. his heart beating so strong under my palm. thump thump thump. bliss. safe. loved.

and it has been ripped away. he was ripped from me. as if an ax has cut my body in two.

i have suffered the loss of my mother, father, grandparents, and a child. my baby son. 19 weeks old. such pain, different grief for each relationship. after the loss of my son, i changed. i was not the same woman. and i have changed again.

for each one of those deaths, i have to tell you, my experience only, i never felt the terror that i do with the death of my husband, my beloved Dragon.

the loneliness is terrible. the isolation is terrible. people can be so terrible to you. the lack of understanding what you feel. the lack of patience as you try to explain, is so terrible.
Elizabeth Taylor was visited by Debbie Reynolds shortly before she died. Reynolds said, "She expressed how scary it was when you see that it's perhaps the end, to find a way to leave this world and go onto the next."

i have been having terrible thoughts that i fight to smother. i get angry with myself and tell myself to stop it, don't do that to yourself, but it is the white elephant in the room.

while he was gasping, choking, while he was dying, did he know? what did he know? was he scared? could he hear me? was my talking to him, did that make it worse? hearing my voice fade from his consciousness as he passed into the next life, did that hurt his soul watching himself leave me behind?

there. i wrote it. and there is more but not now. not tonight.

life is hard without him, so very hard. more than financially hard, it is emotionally hard, spiritually hard. my soul sighs for him. my hands reach up to the dark ceiling above my bed and i cry out for him. i know he would not want me sad. he never wanted me to ever be sad, but i know him, i know his mind. i know his soul. he understands my grief. he understands the anguish i feel being here without him. he would feel the same if he were here without me. he told me once, "i would go into myself and wither without you. i would howl at the moon without you. i cannot be without you."

i am not home if i am not in his arms. what is it like for him being without me on the other side?
blinding, naked, raw grief. that's where i am. two years, one month. i struggle to smile anymore. the "work smile" is easy because it is my job and above all else, i will do my job. but i walk out of the store and my smile disappears as if it had never been there. i see myself in the mirror and i look 1000 years old. my eyes look haunted by the longing i have for my husband. my beautiful, warm Dragon.

we all have to find our way through grief. i am finding my way by not finding my way. i cleave to his memory like a diver grips the anchor line when he finds it. each day right now brings with it the desolation of a life without him.

my fear is that when i die, when it is my turn to find a way to leave this world and go into the next, he will not be there waiting. somehow i will get lost again, like i am lost now. i want to be able to find my way home, into his waiting arms.
i just don't know if i know the way.

Bunny's map of the Ambassador's Travels

okay, Beach Bunny is very much into this tour now. the Traveling Ambassador has been gone since February 4th. her Grief and Whimsy World Tour is really getting cranked up now.

Bunny went out today, {it's her day off} and she bought a world map for the kitchen wall. the green string is where the Ambassador has been or is. the white string is where is going.
she started from Charlotte, NC and went to Saskatchewan, Canada, then on over to London.
from London, she is headed to Wales ~ note the white push pin. Bunny leaves tomorrow, Friday, for Wales. once i get the email that she has arrived in Wales, the pin changes to green.
from Wales it's Down Under to Queensland, Australia then......
up to Alaska. now Bunny sees that the string she strung has gone the long way to Alaska. she knows that the quickest way to Alaska is straight up the Pacific Ocean, but the map cuts off, and Bunny is very particular about her string.

so, Alaska and then all around the lower 48.
Alaska to Arizona, to Houston, Texas, to Portland, Maine, to South Carolina, to California, to Chicago, to St. Paul, and then home to us. me and Beach Bunny. well, to me.

as Bunny makes her way around the world, the white changes to green pins and string and i will post her map updates for all to see here.

i can hardly wait to see what all she has written in her journal. i can hardly wait to gather more photos for our mixbook.

Boo knows of other widows that would like a visit with Bunny. i am considering making another Bun and embroidering her t-shirt and jeans to send her off on a tour of her own. if you know of any widows who would like a visit from Bunny, please have them email me at: abandonedsouls@hotmail.com. Boo and i are putting together another list for a separate tour. this Bunny's tour is closed as i have little gifts accompanying her and am sending more to Australia for the new widows added recently to her list of travels.

thank you all so much for you support of this. i wish you all peace and light. and Bunny just smiles her soft, fuzzy smile and waves.

the Traveling Ambassador of Grief and Whimsey update

i've been asked about the Traveling Ambassador. she's obviously having a great time in her travels. she has been much needed, too, and that makes her feel so good.

she's been to Canada to visit with Suddenwidow. she got to see snow

and wished she had packed her Uggs.

she called when she got to London to see Boo.

and if you know Boo, and have her as a Facebook pal, she and Bunny have been sharing

quite a few adventures.

Bunny has been asked to visit three other women and she has excitedly said, "of course!"

here is the schedule as it stands now.

after Boo, Bunny heads to J-in-Wales.

then Down Under to see Widow in Oz.

up to Anchorage, Alaska to see a very young widow ~ El & I

then over to see FlyingWG in Arizona

on to Texas to see 3 women ~ M, then T, then R.

up to Portland, Maine.

then this is where i am not sure...i am waiting to see where two of our new ladies have been inked in.

i think Bunny travels to South Carolina, then back over to California, hippity hop to Chicago, and then i know our last hostess is in St. Paul, Minnesota to see Journey to a New Life.

then she comes back to me.

please remember to email me when you get her and when you mail her to the next person. please, either upload your photos of Bunny to your Facebook page and i can download from there, or email them to me at: abandonedsouls@hotmail.com so i can put together our Mixbook for all to see.

i am working on a map thingy to show Bunny's flight and dates. gonna pick one up tomorrow and do the push pin thingy with my own home girl who stays with me, Beach Bunny. i think that would be cool. dates. string. Bun loves the idea. very interactive for her.

thank you all for keeping up with her. thank you all for joining me in this whimsical yet poignant world tour of hers. i wish us all peace and light.

"...what we do for others and the world remains and is immortal."

i read other blogs, blogs that have nothing to do with grief. i found this one and i cried. the tears were from the emotion of seeing what this young man did.

please go here and look at the photos. i looked this story up and the little dog was swept off the pier by gale force winds. this was down in Australia. the young man who jumped in to say the dog, Bibi, was on the pier with family dispensing his grandmother's ashes.

and here is my hero doing something no one saw but me, and the old lady.

we are all heroes. we have all done something that speaks to our character, to the person our husbands and wives fell in love with. this is one small part of my Dragon.




i know my Marlene Dietrich friends are my heroes. i know my children are as well. i hope i am to someone. i try to be everyday when i look into the eyes of the people i perform the heart ceremony for at work, and with every stitch i take while i sew for someone else. i am not saving the world. i am not even saving a small dog. but i hope i am saving something inside someone.

that's what i'd like to bring to my Dragon when i meet him again after i die. i want to tell him i did a very small something for the world. Bunny wants to, too. that's why she's on her world tour.

i wish peace and light to all.

"turn on the light" or Bunny makes a short independent film

Bunny made a little film. it is short. it is startling. it is not for the faint of heart. but sometimes on a widow's journey, people need to be startled. they need to be drawn up short. they need to understand how dark it can get. how lonely. how frightened a widow can become with all her worries and all her wonder about her husband.

so this little film is one that Bunny made. what an actress! wow, Bunny can be very dramatic. love what she did with the lighting, and getting the camera to focus close up on her fuzzy little face there at the last second before the scream. love it. love it all. Bunny did a great job. okay, maybe she got a little carried away but when the creative juices are flowing, there is no telling what can come up.

Bunny has been so very tired lately. she is doing so well at work but she gets scared. work hours are performance based. they have some new hires, all young people, and Bunny is being the best little Bunny bear associate she can be. she says "yes, yes, yes" to everything. she needs the hours she has, if not more. she got a 25 cent an hour raise. 25 whole cents an hour.

ah, the world of retail. where you give your all and get the pat on the back with a quarter more an hour. *sigh*

i do not know what i wish anymore. i know my Dragon is in a better place. he has to be happy where he is. it is what i pray for countless times a day. just a quick, "let him be in Heaven."

me? the Bun? definitely Purgatory. i miss him fiercely. i miss the way he smelled. i miss his voice. i miss his hands reaching for mine, or for some other body part of mine. i need his counsel. i need his eyes looking into mine with his wild love and solemn promise that he won't leave me here.

having said that, scroll up and hit replay on the little film that Bunny made. it's dark here where i am. not outside. inside. i feel dark inside. i am on the down turn of this roller coaster right now. i know there will be an upswing, but for now, my art of grief is dark. as are my thoughts. as is my mood.

someone please, "turn on the light."