countdown to 2

"you really care how it's going with me?"

"sure. i make my face look like this and concerned words come out."

that's what it feels like sometimes.

i am way past one year. past 18 months. i am 11 days shy of it being 2 years since my Dragon died suddenly. 2 years. and where am i? some days are okay. i make things for people and i work at Build-A-Bear. so far *knock wood* i make my bills. my son and daughter bought me a car that i am getting the tags and plates and inspection done next Tuesday. i smile at people. i jump through all the hoops i am supposed to. i still cry everyday but not even my daughter knows i do that. i have iron control over it, much like i used to when i was a child and my mother disciplined me, or when i was older and Voldemort got mad. i could always control it and then let my guard down when i was alone. but what have i done? digressed? simply gotten back to an old habit? i do not cry at work. never. i have been close but i stop myself, and i manage to wait until i get back to the apartment and cry here.

but then i have bad days. really bad days. if they happen on a work day, i suppress and suppress and then go back to the apartment and sob. i miss him. i still do. very, very much.
i do not know where i am on the Seven Choices, or the 12 Steps, or the 5 Stages. no clue. i just know that i do what is expected of me. i do what is asked of me. i have stood up for myself a few times lately. i have said, "no, i cannot do that." but i feel so different. i feel like i am only half here. i look at the moon so much. i know what phase it is in, waning or waxing, the day it will be 100% and what the cloud cover is expected to be.
my moon collection is quite impressive now. devastatingly impressive. i dream of him quite a lot. i have had no feeling that he is near. i do not know if my mind is trying to hold me back or if i eat entirely too much chicken and not enough vegetables. am i a failure or am i just dragging my feet on the 'ole grief timeline because of all the financial pressures and failure to be anyone's friend. i am working on it but i hesitate to be too forward. i have been burned so many times.

i have no history here. i am only someone who grieves and is very poor. i can sew like nobody's business and it does attract people to me, but then i open my mouth and ..........

i have no idea what he saw in me. he loved to have conversations. he would prod my brain. we'd discuss. we'd debate. he was such an intellectual person to be so earthy and passionate. both sides of his brain worked in tandem. very smart man. street smart. mad skills. sexy. so handsome. kind. funny. the whole package.

i wonder if he knows how much i cry for him, mourn him, think of him, dream of him, pine for him? i am beginning to think that nothing will help ease the sorrow but time. talking is nice but my grief is the same. working is wonderful but i am still sad. taking charge of my life and getting out from under Voldemort has been freeing but i still miss my Dragon. i miss him to the point where i am not one of those widows who redefines her life after her husband's death as a big second chance. maybe i am too old. maybe i have gone through too much. i was world-weary when i met my Dragon. i thought, "ah, here is life giving me my turn at love and companionship. i guess it is true. sometimes life saves the best until last." and then he died, and i am bereft.

i do things to amuse myself. i have Bunny. i made her some gloves and embroidered her jeans as you can see in the first photo in this post above. i created the Traveling Bunny, Ambassador of Grief and Whimsy so that everyone can have a turn with her, talking to her, writing in her journal. it seemed like a good idea and a lot of people are excited about her coming.

but i am looking down the barrel of the 2nd anniversary and the Valentine's Day funeral anniversary. i work those days and that is fine. i can do it. Spartan control over my emotions while i am at work. but i know i will cry. i know what i get back to the apartment, the numbness will wear off and i will feel his absence.

i am trying to find that balance, take those steps, get through those phases, and make those choices that will show i am growing as a person. people will look at me and say, "ah, she is getting better. she is conquering her grief. she is {dare i type it?} 'making something positive' out of her husband's death."

i cannot focus on any of it for too long. all the steps or phases or choices, they all seem like great theories or suggestions but i cannot get my mind around any one of them. all i want to do is try and redefine the word "home." the apartment is where i live and have lived for almost 2 years yet i cannot feel like it is home. but it is, isn't it? my stuff is here, or some of it. i need to redefine the word "home" and feel it on an emotional level.

i need to get over not being able to save him. i tried and failed. it's cruel to the both of us but that's how it played out. he needed me and i failed. i didn't want him to go, and i failed. but i guess he is at peace now and doesn't give a rat's ass anymore. all i can ever hope now is that he knows how hard i tried. he knows i still love him and am honoring his memory by telling all the cool stuff about him and ignoring the tidbits like he balled his socks and tossed them on the floor, or that he......

seriously there was very little about him or anything that he did that annoyed me. he was freakin' perfect. not annoyingly perfect, but heavy sigh, rapid heartbeat, big smile perfect. he was mine.

i am still, even now, discovering things about him, aspects of the life that we shared, that make me miss his presence. i have irrevocably lost the only person who ever took the time to know me, and who, after he did, still found something about me to love. he would go to bed with his arm around me, our legs intertwined, and then wake up and still smile at me. he chose me. he chose to be with me every day. i didn't annoy him. he never asked anything of me but to love him and share his life.

and my God we did that. i love him and i shared his life. and now, i guess i am sharing his memory.

am i better now than i was a year ago? maybe, i guess, but no, i don't really think so. i think i am a little bit the same. i just control it better. i am more accustomed to missing him. where that puts me on a grief timeline somewhere, i have no idea. and i am not checking right now. right now i am on the countdown to 2 years. it was a rough Christmas and bad New Year's. my birthday sucked big time and i am already getting teary over the 2 year milestone. so i am focusing on keeping control of my public emotions. while i am at work, i give 110% so that i do my job well and keep my managers liking me.

but on the inside, i am still that shellshocked woman sitting by her dead husband feeling the room slowly grow cooler as she listens to the sound of Dragon's wings grows fainter and fainter.

Bunny changes passwords and email

i want him back right now! bring him back! i am scared! i have been changing passwords at the bank even because i got so scared. i called the bank and told them that my email account had been stolen and he was so nice. he talked me through changing my passwords and my email account info.

but, oh, Dragon, i get so upset by things and i really wish you were here. it is not that i do not know what to do or how to do it, it would just be better if you were here to do it with.
i am so upset by this. it is a stupid thing. so if you have a hotmail account, do not believe the email that claims it is from the Hotmail Team and claims you need to verify your account. it is a BIG FAT LIE.
so email me at abandonedsouls@hotmail.com. please, all the widows who are hosting Bunny, please email me there. i am just switching over to that and hoping and praying that the real Hotmail team can at least retrieve my folders of emails about Traveling Bunny, from my Dragon, and my poems. i had saved so much in folders. i am heartbroken about this.

Dragon! i want you!

womanNshadows has been robbed

my email account, womanNshadows@hotmail.com has been stolen from me. i got an email from the Hotmail Team that said they would close my account if i did not replay to the message that my account was active. it looked real. not i cannot log into my email account nor can i get on Bunny's Facebook page. i am so very upset. i am sobbing over this.

people from my email contacts list are being emailed saying i am in Madrid, Spain and need lots and lots of money. it is a SCAM. i am here waiting on a ride to work. please delete those emails. i am trying to get my account back. i have all the emails from my widow friends there. Bunny, the Ambassador, is in there. i am so very sorry. i am already getting emails to Facebook from angry people.

i am so sorry i got suckered in by this. i thought it was real. i did not want to lose womanNshadows. i have had her for years and years. i am heartbroken that i may lose that account if the real Hotmail people cannot ferret it out and give it back to me.

people are so mean.

please accept my sincerest apologies for this. i don't want to lose Bunny's Facebook page either. oh i am so scared and upset and crying. and i now i have to get ready for work.

Bunny has left the building & the "almost 2nd year blues"

my Bunny girl has been mailed to Canada. she is gone. i know she will have the time of her life, but i miss her already. i am so attached to these Bunnies. it is silliness, but there it is.

let me know when she arrives and departs, and arrives and departs, you get the picture.

bye Bunny Bun Bun. write me. save those postcards. email me those photos.

be careful. have fun, but be careful.

*sigh* i am really losing it.

"you think that the despair will stop you cold, but it doesn't: it wraps itself up in a dark corner somewhere inside and forces the rest of your system to function, to take care of the practical matters, which may not be important but which keep you going, which guarantee that you are still, somehow, alive. ~ Peter Hoeg, Smilla's Sense of Snow

It is an imperfect process, getting over loss. ~ unknown

There is eloquence in screaming. ~ Patrick Jones

can i tell you how it's been? i work all the time and that's good. Build-A-Bear is a blessing. i get paid to make children, and the young at heart, happy. i get to build bears and bunnies and tigers. i get to dress them. i get to be, for a few minutes, special to some people.

but i ache inside. i feel hollowed out. time is passing and i don't curse it or wish it to pass faster. i just don't care. food tastes okay. television is okay. nothing moves me though. nothing really touches me. i feel like a very small soul sitting in the dark and i do not know how large the place i am sitting in is. my voice echoes when i cry, scream, even sigh. and i don't care.

i want him back. still. i miss holding his hand. i miss snuggling up to his warmth in bed. i miss his laugh. i miss his cooking. i miss his beard. i miss his eyes looking at me. i miss him. and yes, i want him back.

i do not, however, wish to die before my dogs. they need me. they are so dependent on me. they love me and worry when i leave. they rush to the door when i return. they smile and jump and whine with joy when they see me. they need me so and i adore their fuzzy faces. we snuggle together on the sofa after a long day at work. each has their place on my legs so that it is a big deal to move.

i still cough. i wish i didn't. there was a few hours there that i thought i was going to die and i cried. my poor dogs. my poor children. but mostly, my poor dogs. i didn't want to leave them. but i wondered if my Dragon was hovering close to meet me. and i cried with worry that he wasn't. what if he's moved on? what if he's found some hot little angel in Heaven that's prettier than me? otc cold meds can make you think crazy stuff. the antibiotics also did some weird things to my thought process but at least i knew i was going to survive this bout.

i deeply miss my Dragon. he meant everything to me. i sometimes, honestly don't know, if i will ever feel anything again. will popcorn taste better later on in the year? will icing bring a smile to my face AFTER i get through February? when will the sun be bright? when will my laughter be real? when will i not hurt so much? after Valentine's Day, the anniversary of his funeral?

i am just ready to sit on the sofa with him like we used to do and let the world go by. cuddle with my Dragon and know i am loved. let his words fall softly on my ears and soothe my battered soul. lay my head back on his shoulder and feel his arms around me and feel safe. close my eyes and feel his strong heartbeat. feel his warmth, to once again be warm.

to finally be home.

the Ambassador speaks.....

hi everyone! it's me, Bunny the Traveling Ambassador. i wanted to say hello to everyone and let you all know i am sooo ready to get mailed on Tuesday. i have my backpack with my journal all tucked away and i have another little patchwork bag that has a surprise in it for everyone i visit.

here is some more information. first of all, know that i am going to love to come see all of you. take pictures with me. take pictures of me. email them all to my alter ego, womanNshadows at her womanNshadows@hotmail.com address. if you have a blog and want to write about our visit, please go ahead and post some pictures, but be sure to send all the ones you want to have put in the little book we want to make for everyone to womanNshadows. she will compile it all.

write in my journal. it is a sacred place for you to write your thoughts and feelings. all the things you want to communicate. write down the names of your Lovely Beloveds and tell us about them. write whatever you want. it is a place for you to feel comfortable and write whatever you wish to tell us.

talk to me. my lips are sealed. whatever you want to say to me is sacrosanct. i am coming to visit with you, to be there with you, to sit and listen and be held by you. i am fuzzy and soft and in my left hand is a little sound box that, when you squeeze it, says, "i love you." we all need to know that we are loved. i love you. i understand what you have been through, are going through, and can see that your life is forever changed. i want to look into your eyes and let you know that you are not alone.

i would like to ask that you keep me for about a week, give or take, and then mail me off to the next person on the list. all this will be written in the journal too, but i just wanted to go ahead and put all this out there for everyone.

also, when you mail me to the next person on the list, would you please email my alter ego, womanNshadows, so she can give that person a quick email to let them know i am on my way? we are trying to be very respectful of people's privacy. yeah, sure snail mail addresses are there, but we were not sure about putting everyone's email address in the journal. womanNshadows thought maybe she would keep that private. when you let her know i have been sent along, she will email to let that person know to expect me.

and now for a hint at the surprise.

i was raised to bring a gift along when i go to visit people so i am bringing a gift for each and everyone of you. here is a little peek.
my patchwork bag has one for every person letting me come visit. when i arrive, please take one out of the patchwork bag and then send the rest along for everyone else to get there's. oh, and if you blog about my visit, don't tell what the surprise is.

i am so happy to be able to come visit with you. i miss my Dragon so very much. some days are okay. a lot of days are just very sorrowful. i work at Build-A-Bear and i am so grateful. i smile and talk to our guests and i love to do the "Heart Ceremony," but i have this emptiness inside me always. i see the little outfits on the wall, the Marine Dress Blues. i see people dressing a bear in it and i get the loneliest feeling. i leave work and open my apartment door, and look at the shrine we have created. womanNshadows and i sit there and look at our pictures of our Dragon and sometimes we do smile, but always there are tears. sweet tears. sobs, too.

i hope you know that i am going to be the best Ambassador of Grief and Whimsy i can be. i am soft and fuzzy and huggable. we all need hugs. we all need a safe place to write. we all need to be able to laugh a little, too. i am a whimsical Bunny so i hope you can look at me and laugh a little at how far my alter ego, womanNshadows, went with all the embroidery and in hand-sewing the backpack and the little patchwork bag of presents.

i will see you all soon.

me and womanNshadows, us, me in all my incarnations, i wish you all peace.

the Ambassador's Itinerary & Bunny's Big News!!

i think we have in all the addresses that are going to be sent to me. i wanted to let everyone know the Ambassador's itinerary so they can sort of see a projection of when she will visit. this is based on first come, first visited but also on some vacation schedules that i was let in on. i know Bunny is very excited to get on her way. so here is her itinerary:

first she will go to Canada to see Suddenwidow

then off to Surrey, UK to see Boo.

after that she will skippity skip over to Wales to see J.

after a lovely time spent with Moose and J-in-Wales, the Ambassador will be put back in her shipping box to be sent all the way to Queensland, Australia.

after her visit Down Under, the Ambassador will go hoppity hop hop up the side of the world to Alaska! wow.

then on to Arizona to get a close up look at some cactus.

on to Houston for a visit with Lonesome Dove,

and then on to another address in Houston to sit and visit with Widowsphere: our lovely Thelmaz.

up to Maine for a great time Down East and then Bunny will be mailed to an address just over the border from her own home: South Carolina.

after her visit there, the lovely woman in South Carolina is going to drive Bunny home to come visit with her alter ego, womanNshadows.

whew! but never fear. Bunny is ready. she has her journal all ready with all the addresses and information so when you get her, open up her journal for information.

now when she visits, make sure you talk to her. she is such a good listener. look at her furry little face. such a soulful face. and she is soft and has an "I love you" in her paw. she is ready to sit with you and listen to all you want to tell her. and write in her journal. little quotes. maybe a song lyric. or heartfelt words you want to put out to the world. we will all be reading and want that connection. please take advantage of Bunny's journal. we all want to be heard. we all need to know that someone else is listening. well, here are 10 women who are listening. here are 10 women, plus me and Bunny, who want to know what you have to say.

we are a tribe. lean on us. hug Bunny. tears are only salt water. she does not mind. trust me.

take photos of Bunny wherever you take her. with whomever you wish or wants to be in a photo with her. email the photos to me and i will post them. i plan on printing out all the photos and maybe making up little photo albums for everyone if that seems like something we want to do. the Ambassador's Travels. i am playing it by ear, as it were.

i will post when she is mailed off on Tuesday, Jan 25th. i plan on using a Flat Rate Box so i think it should last and can be reused all the way through.

now, yes, there was another full moon last night. since there was a Blue Moon in December of 2009, this was the 24th full moon since my Dragon died. it felt surreal.

remember what i said about Bunny not minding salty tears? that's how i know.

now for the Big NEWS!!!!

on the night of the full moon, when Bunny was very down and had worked very hard all day, she got her Christmas present/birthday present from her son and daughter.
she checked on it before going to bed last night. such an excited Bunny.

drum roll...........................

Bunny got a CAR!
is she not just the most gorgeous and happiest Bunny you ever saw!? the car is a Toyota Camry and it is a standard. perfect for the Bun to make vroom vroom noises as she drives. she can't drive it yet. she needs to get insurance and her tags but she will do that next week on her day off. ooooo, she is so happy.

the car is black so Bunny has named her Midnight.

and this is the crew that got it all done for the Bun. from left to right, Bunny's son-in-law and her lovely daughter who did all the leg work and went yesterday and got Midnight for Bun. next in his Santa Claus suit is Bunny's son who paid for the car. oh, my gosh, Bunny loves her children so much. and last but not least is the big guy, Bunny's son-in-law's father who found the car, who is a mechanic and worked on the car making it work perfectly and safely.

such a wonderful thing to do for the Bun. *sniff sniff* she is getting a little emotional right now. Bunny is so grateful and so overwhelmed with the thought of it all. a car. for Bunny. maybe things will be okay.

hey, my lovely Dragon. i made it through another full moon. i made it through my birthday. they kids got me a car. i love you. i miss you. watch over me while i drive. muah. you're still the prettiest man i ever met.

the Ambassador is ready!!

Traveling Bunny: the Ambassador of Grief and Whimsy is ready to go. she has her new clothes all embroidered with her official title, her new jeans, and lots of pretty bows for her hair.

on the back of her shirt is an embroidered purple heart to quietly reflect what she feels each widow and widower has earned.
she has her newly hand-sewn little backpack that she will carry with her that holds her little leather journal for everyone to write in.
just unwind the little piece of yarn and slip the journal out of her pack, write in it, put postcards, stamps, little drawings in it, whatever you want, then slip it back inside and put her pack back on her back to go along with her.
she is ready to be your fuzzy friend. she is ready to listen to you. she is ready to sit quietly and visit with you while you pour out your heart to her. take her photo and email them to her mom, Beach Bunny aka womanNshadows.

all the information will be in the first pages of her journal. addresses, emails, the next person on the list to mail her to. she is all set and ready to make her journey around the world.

i am going to wait another week to make sure anyone and everyone who wants her has emailed their addresses to me. if you want the Ambassador to visit you, please email me at: womanNshadows@hotmail.com

Bunny has 7 addresses as of right now. Alaska, Queensland Australia, Canada, and England! so i am waiting one more week before i mail the Ambassador to the first addressee in Alaska. if you want her, email me to get on the list! the Ambassador would LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to come sit with you and be your friend.