Christmas

Christmas night is here.  i had my to children with me today.  my son got here on the evening of the 23rd.  spent all Christmas eve with him and my daughter, and all Christmas day.  my two babies together.  the Three Musketeers.

she left after supper to go back to her place with her husband.  he is leaving tomorrow on a plane.  hard to see him go.  so hard to see the sun set and know that this time of togetherness is over.

they are the lights of my life - fun, funny, decent, kind, sensitive, strong, protective, helpful, caring - i adore them both.  i need them so much.

i wish this Christmas would never end; that the clock had broken and we were just sitting there talking and laughing forever.

i think that that is how i will always remember them; us; laughing and talking and just being together in that moment.

the best gifts do not come in wrapping paper.  they come in cars and on airplanes and they wear clothes and they smile and talk and they call you "mom."

i wish he were here.  i miss him so much when the children return to their lives.  this "empty nest" would be a tad easier if i had his arms to turn to.  but i will cuddle down in bed with the dogs and think about one day at a time.  worry about one day.  that's all i can handle.

$12,380 is what the VA wants paid back.  it's their fault.  i wrote to them.  they admit it in their letter.  my son and daughter got together to read the letter today.  we are fighting it.  we are going to file for a waiver.  financial hardship.  can't pay that back.  not my fault if they kept sending me money.

my fingers are crossed.  i hope they see reason and let one widow just slide on by.  just let me go, please.

i wish all who read a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.  i wish all who read peace in their hearts and minds and rest for their weary spirits.

i am headed to bed to thank my lucky stars for my two children and this one Christmas that we got to have together.

i will follow you into the dark

i watched the movie, "Hachi," the other evening.  i knew in advance what it was about but i chose to continue on that path of plot awareness.  i needed to see loyalty.  i needed to be reminded that my dogs are probably {not} going to miss me like that, be that devoted to me, should i pass away before them.  {but i do pamper my soul; tell myself that they will sit and wait for me just like Hachi.

dogs can sense when death is approaching.  it is a natural thing for them.  they are not complicated like humans.  they accept what cannot be changed.

i accept, but i do cry over it.

in all the reading i've done since he died, i have not really fond one that explores the fear, wonder, worry, curiosity of what happens when we die, after we die.  where do we go?  it is based on faith or lack of it but really, i have been thinking of this off and on ever since i saw the life leave him.  doing CPR ocer someone, knowing you are losing, seeing/feeling them "go" marks you.  well, it marked me.

what is he doing right now?  what is he thinking?  is he happy?  is there an ocean?  is he on some cloud?  can he see me?  does he know that i am sobbing as i type this?  he is alert?  cognizant?  did he keep any memories of me?  is he with his dog?  has he told my dogs i still love them?

has he met my son who died?

is there light where he is?

or dark?  just dark and empty?

i believe in God.  but.

i don't know where he is or where i will go or if i will get to be with him and eventually my two beloved children.

will i lose myself when i die; the stuff that makes me me and so irritating to the masses, yet so interesting?  {<~ that interesting part is sarcasm}  but will the thoughts i think vanish when i die?  will i know him?  will he still like me and want to hang out with me?  will will we be able to find each other?

or will it be dark?

as a child i was never afraid of the dark.  i was afraid of what was in the dark.  i was afraid of my mother.  i was afraid of my brother.  i was afraid of Voldemort.  i was afraid of all the evil that lurks out there; like the DMV if they think you filled out a paper wrong.  {got a $50 for filling out a paper in correctly so when i went tot he DMV to pay the fine the woman said, "effing ridiculous.  most people ignore that paper and you tried.  so you checked a box wrong.  no, i'm not taking the fine.  here's a receipt.  keep it in your car."  i feel like a rebel.  i feel like an outlaw.  are they looking for me?  will they find me driving down 485 some night after work and pull me over; arrest me?  see?  i worry.}

i don't mind the dark.  you can see the stars at night.  you can see the moon.  the night breeze can be soft or wildly blowing leaves that crinkle and sound crisp, much like potato chips on a plate.

when i die, will i be okay, finally?  after all i've been through, will i be okay?  will i be safe?

when i die will there be that light and will i hear his voice?  will i feel that old familiar calloused roughness of his hand clasping mine, pulling me towards him, towards an eternity of love and safeness {i don't think that's a word but i'm crying and i don't care}?

i have written 3 books.  a friend of my daughter's is an English professor at a university.  she sent him a burned CD of one of my books.  he said he despised my ability to write as i do.  he told her he has tried to write like that all his life.  he also said i was, and i quote, "a shining golden god in a kingdom of mice, who is afraid of the mice."  he told her to tell me to get off my shy butt and start searching for a literary agent.  i don't know where to start searching or how to do it that my work won't get stolen.

so question, forget this life, what about the next?  will i lose my mind when i die?  will i lose everything?  will i close my eyes and there will be nothing?  will God forget me?  abandon me?  send me to Hell for the things i've thought?  wanted to do ~ the bad things like tell someone off?

there are times, God forgive me, when i sleep in on Sundays.  i hurt physically so badly, am so exhausted that i stay in bed.  i pray every day, but is that enough?  will He really accept my excuses?

or will He, seeing as i am not an entirely heinous person, just leave me to fumble around in the dark?

as long as i don't run into my mother, or my ex, or threats from the DMV, or people from work, maybe walking around an empty landscape in the dark for eternity will be my own kind of peace.

"if heaven and hell decide that they both are satisfied, illuminate the NO's on their vacancy signs.  if there is no one beside you when your soul embarks, i will follow you into the dark."

 i'd like there to be light.  i'd like there to be snow in the Winter and warm Summer breezes.  i'd like the crinkly, potato chip sound of leaves falling in the Fall, and the smell of flowers and fresh cut grass in the Spring.  i'd like there to be an ocean with the water swelling over stones that sounds like the rattling of bones.

but if that is not what i have earned, then i will follow him.  into the light.  into the dark.  i will close my eyes here and start my search for him there.  and if that search takes an eternity, searching for my dogs, waiting for my children, calling out to him, i will at least be spending my eternity doing something.  my soul has a calling.  i want to be with my family and my dogs.

the scenes in the movie of Hachi's face as he aged, the whiteness of his fur as he got older and older, so magnificent.  the intentness in his eyes as he heard the whistle of the train and his steadfast gaze on the door as people spilled out.  and his sadness, his loneliness as he settled back down to wait for the man who would never come back was gut wrenchingly, poignantly beautiful.

people move on.  dogs can grieve forever.  the other day i called out for Carl.  and both my dogs leap off the bed and raced to the door of the apartment.  Carl has never been in this apartment, but they ran to meet him because i called out for him.  i felt like a dick.  they came racing back to bed and cuddled around me.  they laid across my legs as if to say, "we'll lay on top of her so she won't go away."

i don't want to suffer anymore.  i don't want any more pain.  i would like the afterlife to be peaceful and calm and surround by my children {eventually} and my dogs, and in his arms.  i want to hear his laugh again.  i want to walk with him again.

i want to die and then my soul soar to him and a few fuzzy faces who dance and race to meet me.  who lick my face and rub their noses against my skin.

i want to be met.  greeted.  even if i do follow everyone into the dark, at least we will all be together.

happy, happy, joy, joy ~ Hope

someone had the audacity to write to Bunny to tell her that she, oh, Lordy Lord, she's gonna put this in quotes:

"you are resistant to joy, real joy, the joy that can be had when your partner dies and you are now free to be the woman you were meant to be in the first place."

Bunny's first thought was like, "oh, wow, i guess her marriage wasn't that good." but that's judging, just like this person was doing to Bunny.

it's an interesting thought though. being the person you were "meant to be?" like Bunny was run down like some wild creature, captured, and married to her Dragon against her will. like her Dragon oppressed her and suppressed her and kept her from being what she was meant to be. that was Bunny's first marriage.

silly woman. doesn't she know? hasn't she read Bunny's blog thoroughly? Dragon was AWESOME. <~ said in a sing song little voice.

and since his death, Bunny has been doing happy.

look at that picture up there. see that flower? hyacinth. Bunny was happy to buy it. crazy Bunny spending her hard earned $4.99 on that little glass vase. hopeful Bunny that her little flower will bloom. see? happy and hopeful.

Bunny is doing alright. she has her moments. she writes it out. that silly woman has never met Bunny. heck, she's never even see a photo of the real Bunny, me, to see her eyes, what's in them, and what isn't.

so maybe there isn't this exuberant, jumping up and down, joyful, joyful, we adore Thee bounding up and down the street like a big golden retriever excited at the thought of a frisbee toss, kind of joy to Bunny...

but...

Bunny does alright for herself.

so far she's made it all by herself,

and with a little help from her friends.

Bunny has her work at Build-A-Bear where she is the tippy top Party Bear/Bunny.
she goes back to her place where she has her drawings and sketches of things she wants to make.
she has her puppies! the lovely and diva-ish Carmen Sophia and the inscrutable but winsome Scootie Wootums.
and yes, she has her Dragon. her lovely, lovely Dragon who sits in her heart and her head. the one who gave her joy. the one whose only compression was when he laid on top of Bunny and she loved those times. {oh, my gosh. Bunny made a cryptic reference to sex. yes, Bunny loved her compression times with Dragon. ooooo la la. he was very, hmm, talented. there that's a PG word.}
Bunny is happy. Bunny has found equilibrium. Bunny is not just going through the motions. Bunny has friends she hopes some day to go visit. like in Arizona. Bunny hasn't seen Arizona since she was in college. and San Diego. and Canada. and England. oooo. Bunny will need a Pawsport for that one.

love to all my friends. love to my children and my fuzzy kids. love to my Dragon. and yes, a little love to me. don't get all down on Bunny just because she hasn't started a foundation or written a book or gone for the Gold Ring of Grief. Bunny isn't a Phoenix. she's a Bunny. she's doing it her way. she's got her earbuds in and listening to her own music. sometimes it's sad. sometimes it's happy. but joy? Bunny knows she will have joy again when she's with her soulmate again. fingers crossed.

peace, ............ and quiet. peace and quiet. yeah. you characters out there who seem to think it is your duty to correct Bunny, stop it. Bunny is doing fine.

suicide and hope ~ opposites sides of the same coin

when i wrote my last posting, i was in shock. Christmas with my daughter is not exactly as i would like it, but there was another thing that happened that day. i received a phone call that morning from the son of a woman i have be building a friendship with.

she is close to me in age. 2 years older. she is widowed. 3 years in January. her children are grown. so are mine. i work a lot but we have been speaking, meeting every once in a while for lunch when i can pay for mine. she had been kind to me when i lost my Church widow friend to the sudden heart attack.

the phone call early Tuesday morning was to tell me that she had taken an overdose of sleeping pills and had passed quietly during the night. her son is devastated. so am i.

i knew she was hurting. so am i. i knew she was sad. so am i. i knew she was missing him terribly. i am missing my Dragon so very much. i did not know she was thinking of taking her life.

i do not know how i missed it. her son does not know how he missed it. i went to her wake last night and i came home and cried. i have mixed feelings about this and will need to work them through in my own heart before writing more. but i just wanted to at least tell someone this. people who may feel my shock and share my sorrow, pain, intense wonder at her decision, all the questions and thoughts that cross a person's mind when they learn that .....

someone took their life because they were too sad to live.

i am sad, but the intensity she felt is not something i share with my friend. i have awe-inspiring storms that rumble and blow through my life. i get scared. i get intimidated. i get upset. it never crosses my mind to give up on living. my Dragon would be hurt and angry and devastated that i could not live without him; that his love had not made me strong, but broken me down. my children would be destroyed.

and in thinking of my own children, i would never want them to give up on life simply because i had died. oh, God, it would break my heart to see them in such despair.

i am widowed. it is still my belief that i always will be widowed. i have no interest in dating or finding anyone. but having said that, i have not given up on myself. i am eating as best i can to take care of the diabetes and high blood pressure. since May 31st, i have lost 27 pounds.
i eat healthy, inexpensive but healthy, like my friend up there. {still can't believe i got that shot just off my Dragon's and my beach where we spent so much of our time.}

i still dream. my dreams are for a small little home. humble and safe with a little garden and fence for my scotties. i'd call it Scotland Yard. just little fantasies that keep my spirit humming along. day dreams that allow my soul to feel nurtured and to let my creativity run free.
i keep up with the people i have "met" here as part of this lonely journey. Dan, Boo, Deb, SSSF, Rose, Sandy, Judy, Suzann, Lys, etc. all of you are important to me. i have lost some along the way. women for whom i wasn't enough. women who have passed ~ my Church friend who died and now this lovely, lonely lady.

we have to stay together. we must keep up with each other. some of us are flying faster than others. some of us, like me, are lolly-gagging at the back soaking up the sun while we drift along on our own little breeze. not all of us grieve the same way at the same time. that is what makes us all so wonderful.
but we must be kind to each other. we must try to stay in touch, check in every once in a while. and if we feel that one of us is in despair, then maybe we can reach out.

my last conversation with my friend who committed suicide was this:

"Bunny, i feel so lost."

"me, too, but we can be lost together. i am hoping that maybe, one day soon, maybe after this holiday season, we can sort of find our way again. it's just temporary, this being lost. it's Christmas and we feel their absence. we'll hang on together. just call me whenever you want to talk."

but she didn't call. instead, she took pills and now her son has lost both his parents. i feel for him so much. at the wake he looked like a deer in the headlights. his fiancee was right beside him. helping him. being there with him. i know she and him together will get through this.

as for me, i have lost another friend.

but i have the few that are sticking by me. today i returned home from work to an email from Dan. he is a blessing. he sent me an email that helped me and lifted my soul. Christmas can be so hard when you want things you cannot have. people like Dan who look back over their shoulders to check on us little ones; the only words are blessed. i feel humbled and grateful to say i know him and he is my friend.

Dan, thank you for being there even though you had no idea about the sad thing that had happened this week.

suicide and hope are opposites sides of the same coin. something terrible has happened that has caused you to experience a grief so profound that death has crossed your mind. you think about the afterlife. you wonder what is out there. you wonder if it is better. you wonder if you can join someone who has gone before you, your child, your mate, someone so important to you that life here has lost its color. but there are still reasons to continue to live the life that has been gifted to you. there is hope. i will never flip that coin. i will always hold it in my hand and then lay it carefully down in the center of the table. the side that has HOPE etched in it will always be shining upwards.

i pray we all hang in there. we all have so much to be grateful for. we all have someone still here who needs us, who loves us, and who waits for us to come home.
i pray that the peace that can be found at Christmas finds you all. i pray for the hope that we all need to find within reach, is right there for us to hang onto. and i wish for friends and family to surround you, even if it can only on the phone.

we are loved. we are needed. we are important.

i love you, Dragon. i am living. i am remembering you with smiles and laughter. and i will always love you. Merry Christmas.

Christmas then and now

this story is told with old photographs. i cannot afford a camera. don't know when i'll be getting one to update you on my Bunny, on me. so i have gone back in and found old photos to explain what words cannot convey.this is me now. i am deflated. unstuffed as it were. i am a weary Bunny that life has and is kicking the stuffing out of.

this was Christmas before. i got to be with my children. in fact, that Santa is me. my children did not know it was me. i had a wonderful time. i used to love Christmas. i still do but it's more of a Whoville without the presents kind of feeling.
Christmas is sacred and i won't impose my beliefs on you.

Christmas now is like below. i get back from work and i am wiped out. yet i still have to get back up after a brief break and get to work. and now a phone call tonight just blew my Christmas apart again.
i do not know when i will ever get my son to come to me for Christmas. his father, and now this year his girlfriend, commandeer Christmas and i never get to be with him. years like this. years. i feel smaller and smaller each year. he admitted to me that he hates it being this way but he knows i love him and always will. he trusts me, he said, and hates hurting me but he knows i will never hold this against him. he goes with the person and to the person who can hurt him if he does not cooperate.

so the phone call tonight that has further taken Christmas away? my daughter and son-in-law have to go to his mother's for Christmas. my daughter had to tell her that i needed to be invited otherwise i would not get to see them at all. i would be alone on Christmas. so i was grudgingly invited.

i did not cry on the phone. my daughter wants to see me and i want to see her. my work schedule has been such that i have not gotten to see her in 2 weeks. so i am going in my own car so that when it gets too tense, i will leave. it is this other woman's house and she is very much Queen. it will be her family around and i quite simply will not exist.

one day a year. Christmas. and i put so much in store on it. and i keep bowing my head to make sure my children are not under any more pressure than they already are. but i am getting older. i feel older. i feel tired. i simply want one Christmas. just one. one more. that's all. one to remember forever. one where there is no pain, no pressure, no being so alone that i feel like the whole world died instead of just my husband who would do anything for me.

i just want one Christmas.

but i have my pack. a new Three Musketeers has evolved from the ashes.
Scootie Wootums, me, and Carmen Sophia. we are a pack. they love me. they trust me. i can be angry and they come to me. i can walk in the door deflated and beaten down in spirit, and they believe in me. i can be sick and they never leave my side. i see their loyalty. i watched them mourn, and still mourn, our Dragon. Scootie still goes to the closet to get his shoe to lay on the floor with his nose inside it. and Carmen puts her paw on it laying side-by-side. they miss him as i do. together in bed, they stretch out beside me so that, if i need to get up for a drink or to go to the rest room, they follow me. then we get snuggled back together. they are with me in this tiny place no matter what part of the apartment i go to. they lay on the bath mat when i take a shower.

they do not worry how they look or how they will be perceived. they mourn and they feel joy in the day. both emotions so close together. they are in touch with their feelings to a degree that we as humans fight against and probably shouldn't. they miss our Dragon but they are happy to be with me. their dejection when i have to leave for work breaks my heart. they seem to understand when i say, "i have tomorrow off!" they are thrilled. this is not appreciation for m as their caretaker. i truly believe they love me. me. me as i am. me. imperfections and all. me. tired and broken and deflated,

and unstuffed. they love me. and i love them.

and we love Dragon who is not here.
maybe i don't get to have Christmas because i am not really home. i haven't been home in years. i am not where i should be. i am not a family. well, i am a family of 1, or 3 if you let me count my dogs.

but my children have other people in their lives they have to appease. it just seems a shame that these people have to BE appeased.

it is my gift to them to not demand to be appeased. i have no hoops for them to jump through. i do not snap my fingers. i love my children and just want to be with them when they are free to be with me.

but i wonder where home is? Dragon? will home one day be with you? or will i be lost to the darkness still? will i be doomed to forever roam, never having a true home? will i ever feel safe and at peace? at least i know one thing for sure. Scootie Wootums and Carmen Sophia will probably wait for me and follow me into the dark, or the light, or whatever waits a deflated, unstuffed, unimportant Bunny like me.

material things & esoteric dreams

i am still out here, still working on my place, ahem, my home. i am gradually going through everything and bringing some things back with me from my daughter's garage.

all this stuff, these material things that were mine, are mine, are now being sorted through as if i died, or am dying.

"don't need that anymore." "do you want this? no? then toss it." "put this in the box to donate."

holding something close, studying it; something that used to bring me such joy and fill my previous home with the common clutter that we fill our lives with, weighing it's importance now that i no longer have the space. it is a difficult thing to do. sorting through the debris of my life and seeing it from this side of my husband's death. i feel as if we are getting things settled before i die, doing this sorting of who gets what so that it won't be hard when i am gone.

my daughter is taking a lot. we are setting off in a corner all the things we know my son {her brother} will want. and i am filling my little car, Midnight, each trip with things to bring back here ~ back home......

like my piano shawl. have i ever mentioned that i used to play piano? i started lessons when i was 4. by the time i was 6 i was pretty good. by the time i was 8 i was competing. at 11 i was entered in the Van Cliburn Competition. that was a long time ago, a lifetime. my teacher gave me the shawl then. it was an antique back then. it is more so now. very old. beautiful.

i sat in my old chair and held it around me tonight while i listened to Beethoven's 7th, the 2nd movement. a beautiful piece i learned to play when my hands could barely make the octave spread. i was never without a piano until the divorce. i sold it to pay for things my children needed. it was an old studio piano of blond maple. my mother bought it second hand in 1961 when i first started playing. i sold it in 2002 for $100 that i desperately needed to keep the phone on after V. refused child support for a while. it killed me then. it is a hauntingly ugly scar now. i miss my piano.

i miss my Dragon. i remember him going to the church in Rockport to talk to the priest to see if i could be allowed a couple of days during the week to stay after morning Mass and Rosary to play the piano there. he was so happy to have gotten the okay. he and i would walk to church for Mass, and then we'd stay and i would get to re-visit a past that had once been my own. i got to close my eyes and play for my own soul the music that has always haunted me. classical. mostly Beethoven, JS Bach, GF Handel, and other more deeply spiritual composers. music moves me. i played the scores that seemed to reach for something no one could ever have imagined without that music to take them there.

looking at all my material things that i am going through, getting back, i find myself more somber. i am so relieved, humbly so, but i am also wistful and melancholy over all the dreams that no one but my children and my Dragon shared with me. there is no one in my life anymore, besides my daughter and son, who knows me. there is more to me than my sewing, my writing, the work i do for others, and my grief. i am a woman of depth that no one really takes the time to get to know.

i do have my Marlene Dietrich friend, and she is lovely to know, but she does not live close so we have never met.

i have a widow who lives fairly close, and we have lunched, but my work schedule, and tight budget for things like that, keep me a little on the humble side. i do not talk as much about myself as i probably could, or should try to. i am so afraid they will abandon me as others have if i talk too much, say what's on my mind.

i am a wuss.

no one ever knew me but my children and him. oh, God, i miss him so much tonight.

would that i could play for you. i guess my writing is a form of music. silent lyrics to feed my own needs, to echo through time to announce that i was once here. i am leaving a legacy of lyrics behind that can never be put to music.

some dreams do not come true. some were never meant to. the difficult journey in accepting that carves away at me,

but,

i am so very blessed that once upon a time,

i did dream.

Bunny in a bad, bad place

very tough night for me tonight. so many thoughts vying for front and center. thinking about my life with my mother. thinking about my life with my first husband. with my Carl, and now that he's gone, with my two children. so hard to sit and type it when words just want to spill from my mouth. but this is all i am allowed. i read of so many who get grief counseling and i wish the person i am writing to who has offered to hear me but who lives 10's of thousands of miles away; i wish we could do this face-to-face.

i emailed the grief counselor who i do not think was vested in my well-being. i am still working on her quilt. it was part of the deal even though i no longer see her. she was just not really there for me. she kept changing appointments or i'd show up and she would have forgotten me. i apologized for the slowness of the quilt, but with work and not feeling well with this high blood pressure thing and diabetes, ...... anyway, she did not answer me. i think she is angry. i can't be a part of that. so many people lined up to be pissed at me for something. get in line. and i say that without really having any kind of a list other than first husband, his entire family, my brother who has disowned me......i am hurting so badly tonight. those "old sorrows that rise up to beset me. old doubts make my spirit their own."

i am lonely for him and yet i am in such darkness tonight that i wonder if his dying wasn't just a way to get away from me. my children are so busy with their lives. i get small parcels of their time, and you know, they ARE grown up and they ARE busy, but i gave up my whole life to move into the hospital when my mother was dying. i sat there for 6 months and took care of her until she died and she despised me. so i'm not dying. not that i know of yet. i just want my son to come visit. i want my daughter to make a little time for me in the physical sense of coming over rather than relying on the phone calls now. but she IS so busy and has moved 30 minutes in the complete other direction. i feel alone up here. i am anxious a lot of the time. i feel like i am in an airport terminal waiting on them to call my flight. "Bunny, board at Gate 2. Dragon is waiting." but Murphy's Law will dictate that that voice will say, "Bunny, why are you waiting. get to work. no one wants to spend time with you. you are only a commodity. not a real person."

but i am supposed to be doing better, right? at least better than i am. i am supposed to be working on my self-esteem and empowering myself. but it's hard to do that when someone tosses those platitudes off over their shoulder as they walk away, or hang up on you. i wish i could move to an island and never have to see anyone again. if i am on an island, no one CAN come to see me. it would be a great inconvenience. i am "patted" on the back via emails and phone calls from people i do all this stuff for and yet, no one really knows how much i hurt. no one. i cannot really tell anyone everything. there is so much. there would be that yawn and that lack of interest. or they would be appalled and not want to hear anymore, or not believe me. so many times doctors did not believe me. or lawyers. "go fix your marriage." "he makes this amount of money and you want to divorce him? can't you just take it?" it was my turn to be appalled.

i did try to talk to someone back in August in San Diego. she was horrified. she did not want to hear me at all. she wanted it all to be free and fun, to cut loose and get away from sorrow and trouble. i cannot risk being shut down like that again. i cannot risk opening my mouth and seeing that look on a person's face. widow or not, no one truly gets all of it, off of the individual. everyone has their secret darkness that haunts them. being with other widow's like that, it was the wrong time and place and people for trying to find someone to talk to like i need. 2 years, 3 months and i am still searching for someone to talk face-to-face to. there is something wrong about that. where is the empathy? where is the compassion?

i want to move away and become a hermit. if i become a hermit, there can be no expectation of company therefore no feelings of abandonment. me and Bunny on a small rock off the coast of somewhere. i am supposed to be thinking how wonderful i am and proud of the things i do for others but i don't. i have no good feelings for myself at all. i do for others what i'd like to have done for me. i do for others because it is the right thing to do. it doesn't make me special. i don't do anything for anyone that anyone else couldn't do. i write to other widows who rely on my honesty about grief via my hubpages that i write for. i have several people who write to me, lean on me. i have to give to them because it is what i have wanted, someone who answers their cries. someone who is not too busy. someone they can trust to be there for them. i cannot let them think that womanNshadows would be cavalier with their feelings and their pain. i have empathy for them all. i give them my words, my honest and soulful words but how can i see that as something of value when it is so obviously and simply the right thing to do? it is not about my self-worth. it is about being there in the dark with someone without thinking of yourself. no fanfare. no fireworks or speeches. it is not empowering to me. it is draining. see, i just need him back. i need Carl. i want to know if he left me because he was sick of me. like my kids who have so little time for me. i want to know if he still loves me. i want to know if i am still interesting to him. to someone. no, valuable. do i have value simply because i breathe. not for what i can write or make or do for someone. i need to know if he still loves me. would stay with me if he could.

i am so tired and hungry and not sure what i can and cannot eat. the diet needs of high blood pressure and diabetes is like a venn diagram. yes for this but oh, no for that. i need that small arc of space where there is overlap to become clear. what is in there that i can eat without fear of coma or stroke?

i want to leave this cold, uncaring concrete place and go back to the ocean. maybe like Henry Beston did in when he moved to the Cape and wrote the Outermost House. but i need money for that and i will never have that. i will never have all my things back from storage. i will never have a life, only an existence.

posting all this, this is a shot in the dark to see if anyone is really listening; see if anyone has this depth of pain, too. {{hugs}} or "thinking of you" is sweet but it comes from a place of not knowing what else to say. but in their defense, how can they know what to say to someone who is sobbing so hard they are silent. raw, overwhelming, powerful grief racks the body and cannot all come out. no sound can issue forth because it is too loud to be heard. how can anyone know what to say to someone whose darkness is so vile that they can never tell anyone everything.

i want him back. or at least to call me. tell me why you left me alone down here. tell me that it was the worst thing that could ever have happened to us. tell me that you miss me. tell me that you ...................... are still capable of loving me?

i want to eat with you. i want you to cook something for me that i can eat that won't kill me. please just come back and have dinner with me. and then just tuck me into bed and stay with me until i fall asleep. just one more night together. please. i promise i won't ask for another thing.

i wish for peace to all who read this whether the overwhelming sadness of it renders you speechless or not. i am glad i have sent the Traveling Ambassador out into the world. i want her to help others as my own dear Bunny helps me get through the days and nights. i love all the photos of Bunny, all the places she has gone. the snow in Canada, the crazy fun times in London, the peace of Wales. i love her Aussie thongs, as Boo called them. her Australia pin. i am going to cherish this journey of hers for all my days.

and the ocean. my Bunny got to go to the ocean. when she comes back to me i am going to smell her, to see if there are any leftover smells of the ocean. and i will close my eyes and fantasize. that's all i have left. fantasy and nightmares. i try to make the fantasies push the nightmares away.

Brokedown Bunny

i have pneumonia again. and they say i also have high blood pressure that has gone untreated. i am desperately working on health insurance. i think i can get it through work. i talk to my boss tomorrow evening. please cross your fingers. otherwise i will have to find a plan i can afford before the 30 allotment of pills i do have run out.

desperation. depression. fighting against the choking waves of panic that are ebbing around me. i am scared. i find control. then i am scared again. the battle rages.

i am broken down.

"if i lived closer...."

i have written it to others who are having a hard time. it has been written to me.

i do wish there was some kind of leper colony, some kind of widow{er} community center where a widow{er} can go for help, for conversation, for company. somewhere one can go where they understand you without you having to try and talk through the sobs. where people will hold your hand and comfort you when you are afraid or so lonely you want to crawl in a corner and suck on your hair.

alas, the ones who do talk to me are miles and miles away. i write out what i feel and think here and then hit "publish." and i wait. lonely. pathetic. sad little brokedown Bunny.

i do have a new shirt i made for her. small pleasures. i take them where i can find them.

trying it on she found a little smile.

i'll get the insurance somehow. i'll get the pills. my children and i are working on this together. somehow, whatever will be will be. i'll keep crawling. i'll keep working. i'll keep sewing. but oh, Lord, right now, i am such a broken down Bunny. so lost without him to talk to. so lost without him to comfort me. so lost without him to lean on.

"but oh, the things i learned from her // when sorrow walked with me."

i have learned a lot from all this trouble. i have learned so much.

the Ambassador's Itinerary & Bunny's Big News!!

i think we have in all the addresses that are going to be sent to me. i wanted to let everyone know the Ambassador's itinerary so they can sort of see a projection of when she will visit. this is based on first come, first visited but also on some vacation schedules that i was let in on. i know Bunny is very excited to get on her way. so here is her itinerary:

first she will go to Canada to see Suddenwidow

then off to Surrey, UK to see Boo.

after that she will skippity skip over to Wales to see J.

after a lovely time spent with Moose and J-in-Wales, the Ambassador will be put back in her shipping box to be sent all the way to Queensland, Australia.

after her visit Down Under, the Ambassador will go hoppity hop hop up the side of the world to Alaska! wow.

then on to Arizona to get a close up look at some cactus.

on to Houston for a visit with Lonesome Dove,

and then on to another address in Houston to sit and visit with Widowsphere: our lovely Thelmaz.

up to Maine for a great time Down East and then Bunny will be mailed to an address just over the border from her own home: South Carolina.

after her visit there, the lovely woman in South Carolina is going to drive Bunny home to come visit with her alter ego, womanNshadows.

whew! but never fear. Bunny is ready. she has her journal all ready with all the addresses and information so when you get her, open up her journal for information.

now when she visits, make sure you talk to her. she is such a good listener. look at her furry little face. such a soulful face. and she is soft and has an "I love you" in her paw. she is ready to sit with you and listen to all you want to tell her. and write in her journal. little quotes. maybe a song lyric. or heartfelt words you want to put out to the world. we will all be reading and want that connection. please take advantage of Bunny's journal. we all want to be heard. we all need to know that someone else is listening. well, here are 10 women who are listening. here are 10 women, plus me and Bunny, who want to know what you have to say.

we are a tribe. lean on us. hug Bunny. tears are only salt water. she does not mind. trust me.

take photos of Bunny wherever you take her. with whomever you wish or wants to be in a photo with her. email the photos to me and i will post them. i plan on printing out all the photos and maybe making up little photo albums for everyone if that seems like something we want to do. the Ambassador's Travels. i am playing it by ear, as it were.

i will post when she is mailed off on Tuesday, Jan 25th. i plan on using a Flat Rate Box so i think it should last and can be reused all the way through.

now, yes, there was another full moon last night. since there was a Blue Moon in December of 2009, this was the 24th full moon since my Dragon died. it felt surreal.

remember what i said about Bunny not minding salty tears? that's how i know.

now for the Big NEWS!!!!

on the night of the full moon, when Bunny was very down and had worked very hard all day, she got her Christmas present/birthday present from her son and daughter.
she checked on it before going to bed last night. such an excited Bunny.

drum roll...........................

Bunny got a CAR!
is she not just the most gorgeous and happiest Bunny you ever saw!? the car is a Toyota Camry and it is a standard. perfect for the Bun to make vroom vroom noises as she drives. she can't drive it yet. she needs to get insurance and her tags but she will do that next week on her day off. ooooo, she is so happy.

the car is black so Bunny has named her Midnight.

and this is the crew that got it all done for the Bun. from left to right, Bunny's son-in-law and her lovely daughter who did all the leg work and went yesterday and got Midnight for Bun. next in his Santa Claus suit is Bunny's son who paid for the car. oh, my gosh, Bunny loves her children so much. and last but not least is the big guy, Bunny's son-in-law's father who found the car, who is a mechanic and worked on the car making it work perfectly and safely.

such a wonderful thing to do for the Bun. *sniff sniff* she is getting a little emotional right now. Bunny is so grateful and so overwhelmed with the thought of it all. a car. for Bunny. maybe things will be okay.

hey, my lovely Dragon. i made it through another full moon. i made it through my birthday. they kids got me a car. i love you. i miss you. watch over me while i drive. muah. you're still the prettiest man i ever met.

Christmas is Over ~ Butterflies

i am sad today. discombobulated. i feel hollow inside.

and blessed.

my handsome wonderful son came to spend one day with me. he got into town Monday, the 20th in time to pick me up from work. we spend Tuesday, the 21st, together with his sister {my lovely daughter}, and he just left to drive back to Florida. and i feel such heartache. and peace. i love my children. i love them so very much.
they are the best parts of who i was, who i never got to be, who i always wanted to be. i gave them all that i was and am, and i still do.

we have such little time to spend together. there are things i really want to get off my chest, maybe i will someday, but not today. i have to leave for work in an hour and all i want to do is tell you about how great these two people are. my daughter and my son.

"i almost wish we were butterflies that lived but three summer days. three such days with you i could fill with more delight than fifty common years could ever contain." ~ John Keats.

i know he wrote that to the love of his life but my children are also the loves of my life. just as our Dragon was. is. always will be. my children are all i have left in this world. i wish my son lived closer. he is such a joy. so funny and interesting to talk to. such diverse interests.

i cannot believe the both of them are grown and yet, i am glad i got to be here for it.

it was so hard having to watch my son drive away. i walked him to his car. we hugged real tight. we both were a little teary. then we smiled and did the stiff upper lip. life is what it is. we will persevere in spite of it, or to spite it. we will see each other again. and there is always iChat.

but i did stare at the empty parking lot where his car had been for longer than was good for me.

i love my children. we got to have one day to spend together to have Christmas together. and now for me, Christmas is over. i will tell you what i am doing. i think i can type it and not cry. i am spending it alone, working on a quilt, eating what i want when i want and taking a nap maybe. i will watch movies, whatever is on. and hopefully my daughter can stop by later in the day, early evening, for a time, when she can break free. Christmas alone. i am not the first. i am not the only one. but it does feel horrible to know that i will be alone.

i will go to bed alone on the 24th, and wake alone on the 25th, and i will be alone all day until she can stop by. it feels wrong and yet, it is what has happened. there is nothing i can do to change it. but i will make it a good day. Christmas is over for me. i had it on the 21st with my son and daughter. but the meaning of Christmas will come on the 25th as it does every day. i will do my praying/meditating thing, whatever you choose to believe. and i will work and wait.
i got to see my son. i got to have my children together. the Three Musketeers were reunited for one day. the Fourth Musketeer could not come. he had to go on ahead. breaking trail for us to follow. that is the only way to think of it for if i did otherwise, i would never stop crying.

i love my children. i love my Dragon. our brief times together are worth their weight in gold.

butterflies. making the time together count.