my immortal beloved

my dearest heart, my love, my Dragon,

i love this picture of you. we were doing Habitat for Humanity and they took our photos for some brochure or something. i think it would have been better to have our photos taken after we were dusty. but i love your smile here, the tilt of your head. so handsome.

i'm just okay but okay is all i can be while we are apart. i miss you greatly and nothing is right. food does not carry the same flavor. the sun is not as warm. the mornings are awful to wake to because i find this is not a dream.

remember that song, "you are my sunshine?" the first verse that few ever sing plays out in my head.

late one night, dear, as i lay sleeping

i dreamed i held you in my arms

when i awoke found i was mistaken

and i hung my head and cried.

you are my immortal beloved. much like Beethoven loved and wrote to a woman no one knew the identity of, i carry a torch for you just as powerful. a little over a year out and the sorrow and aloneness i feel because you are not with me is still as strong as my first day left behind. it is more familiar though and the thought of that can weaken the remaining piece of my heart until i pant from lack of being able to breathe.

our son sent me a flowery bunny. Beach Bunny with Daisies he called her. he reads and looks at the pictures. his note said he sees me getting stronger. he loved my defense of you in the previous post. that mom, the one of strong words and titanium convictions is the one he grew up with. he called me his shield. but the shield is battered now and very old, or feels that way. so much damage has been done to it.

a shield. i think i will put that analogy to rest and take up Daisy Beach Bunny instead. she isn't as worn out. she may look like an aging hippie but she's lighter, softer, and she is covered in your daisies a day. i miss you singing that. "i'll give you a daisy a day, dear......" i hope when i die that is one of the first things i hear. your voice singing to me. waiting for me. reaching out to me to take my hand and guide me as you did before. at any rate, Daisy Beach Bunny is still blessed with the talent of using a needle. she is working on the fifth dragon handkerchief. psssst. a little hint. she wanted a full moon in the center.

this is an "i ache for you" day. i'll be this way all day, however, don't worry. it is a familiar agony. i am comfortable with it since i know it so well. i'll embroider and quilt and sew all day. there's a new television show coming on late tonight that i'll check out for us. it's based on one of your favorite Elmore Leonard characters. i just wish we were together to talk about it after.

ah, well, our little Scootie Wootums is dancing like Michael Flatley. i think it's time to go for a short walk. then back to the solace of sewing.

i love you, my Dragon. i will always be your wife. you will always be my beloved, only now you are immortal. please watch over me as i stand watch over your memory, your pedestal. (i had to say it that way because it pleases me to do so. i'm down. i'm being walked on. i haven't given up.)

i'll see you tonight, in my fantasies, my dreams, my prayers.