22 months ~ i pine for you

another round of nightmares last night. so awful to keep doing night after night. what the h*ll is up with this? i have no idea why unless in talking to the Matriarch of Grief and Joy doors to the bad things i have worked all my life to keep closed are being flung open. maybe facing what i have never talked about will make me stronger. who knows anymore. but it feels a little like what i imagine cutting myself would be like to talk about this stuff. the sting of it is powerfully hurtful and yet, now someone knows what happened to me.

it has enhanced my pain, and my creativity. i am afraid to go to sleep sometimes so i keep working. i have lost some more weight. but it has also allowed me to see that someone can be in my corner even if only symbolically. there is no one to really be there for me, not like him. ahh, but he was and is worth all of this terror and sorrow.

22 months at 12:03 AM. i read that Elizabeth Edwards had died. then i read the comments to the story. so many had so much to say, but one anonymous commenter simply wrote: at last she can rest.

understated and perfect. it made me weep. it is what i pray for every morning and every night for my Dragon. i offer up my physical and emotional and spiritual pain along with my terror and fears and worries and grief and anxiety and desolation and......let's see, have i forgotten anything? oh, yeah, my self-worthlessness. i offer up all that so that my Dragon is given the boon of Heaven. and if he is there, i ask that all that i offer be given to someone else who has no one praying for them.

i want him to be at peace. i want him to be happy. i also want him to be waiting for me but that we the previous posting. beach. drawing in the sand. waiting on his Beach Bunny.

sigh. he was so pretty.

i love this man. every moment i got to spend with him is worth all this pain and sorrow and fear and worry.

22 months gone from me. i love you. i pine for you. i am miserable without you. life is so hard.

near life experience

i woke up this morning to a beautiful day. birds were chirping at a decibel level that far exceeded my own mood but i sincerely tried to adopt their enthusiasm. the sky was blue. it was the middle 70s today. i have a quilt in the frame and a box to create another one on its way to me. and at 1:22 this afternoon East Coast time, it was spring.

but i’m tired, life tired.

see that face? i look tired, don't i? my eyes have that weary cast to them. and the frown line between them. my cheeks are flushed but the fever is gone. i've just been working feverishly today. i'm trying to smile. see it? it doesn't look very good, does it. it looks forced. because it is forced.

i have nothing truly heinous to complain about. my children are grown and healthy, and doing very well. they have a handle on life and are generous and decent. i love them with all my heart.i eat. i have shelter. it is just nothing excites me anymore.

i am going to San Diego and i am happy to go, so very humble to be allowed, and yet, if i were to paint it, it would be a very satisfied grey. now if i were told i’d be walking with my husband on the beach this afternoon, i’d paint it using ceruleans and siennas and mauves and tans. only he gives me a thrill. only he can make me feel happy. when i see him, think of him, i see colors so brilliant it makes my heart burst wide open. i feel ready to live.

my library is closing on April 3^rd so the city has more money. twelve libraries are closing in fact. i walked to my branch this morning only to see the sign on the door and hear the death knell playing inside. i am depressed about this because it was my one independent joy, walking to the library. the whole world is in the library. i could escape to anywhere, learn anything, and become anyone. the closest library that is staying open will take me 3 buses and 35 minutes to get there. it is such a tiny thing to be sad over, not even a blip on the screen compared to the problems others face but it’s just a little thing that has been taken away and i will sorely miss my walks there.

i miss my Dragon. as each day goes by, each month, season, i feel more and more attached to him. i do not think of trying to find someone else. i shudder at the thought. the standard is set too high and i honestly cannot tolerate the idea of someone else touching me.

i went up to the throne of love

the king stooped down to me

he put a kiss on my lifted face

then died and set me free.

oh, i would travel the whole world o’er

and i could have love if i would

but nevermore shall a beggar stand

in the place where the king has stood.

people get upset with absolutes so i will simply say; i am not ready to think about it much less try at this time.

i am tired of life. i haven’t had the fun i know can be had. i haven’t had it all and then lost it. ihave had parts of all and lost that. my parents had lots of money and i grew up with material things. but they did not like me and i could not become something different. my first husband made lots of money and we had nice houses but the price of living with him and his money scarred me both physically and emotionally. i wanted love. i wanted to be loved.

i was given my Dragon but homes were taken away and what little money we had went out the door to pay for my divorce debt and for my children to live. i was allowed to live in nice homes provided by parents first and then my ex but i was not loved. i was loved but had no home of my own. the one house my Dragon rented for us on the cove was the best of all though. we were so very happy there, and we had dreams that no one could steal from us.

but he died and i cannot bring myself to be angry with God because i know how very much my Dragon hurt. his body was worn out. all those scars of his that i kissed....well, kisses don’t always make it better. God was being good to my Dragon if you want to put a positive, “God doesn’t give us more than we can handle” kind of spin to it. however, it has not been good for me.

because i miss him.

i’m not sleeping again. it’s like back in the days of yore, the first 7 or 8 months right after he died. no matter how tired i am i cannot sleep without the help of Captain Generic, the pill of a lesser God, not the original and twice as expensive Advil PM but one from the other side of the tracks (read shelf here).

i feel not quite alive. i am lonely. fifteen to twenty hours a month to be with another person is not much. my daughter is so good to me. she worries and knows i lie to her about how i feel. she knows i hurt. she wishes i had found a friend. i sort of wish i had, too. i know people have gatherings and walks, people who surround them and help them. they have friends they "could not have done this without." i have done this without though.

i know one widow (yes, yes, one from the group i am no longer in contact with because i did not meet her standards) who has yet to go grocery shopping for herself. it has been one year and her neighbors are so thorough in weaving their net under her that they cook for her 3- 5 times a week. bringing over casseroles and breads and desserts to her, visiting with her. am i envious? i am ashamed to say yes.

i went through my Dragon's birthday, our wedding anniversary, Christmas, most of Christmas day, New Year's, my birthday, the one year anniversary, and Valentine's Day - the anniversary of his funeral alone. completely alone. the phone calls were from my two children who were desperately upset that they could not be with me due to their work schedules. but other than those phone calls, i endured those firsts utterly alone. in silence.

ah, there's the anger. it's not directed at God. it's just frustration that i cannot find anyone who sees me as a human being who might need to tell her story to someone sitting in the same room with me. "oh, my God, why didn't you call?" i did. i have tried. you told me you were busy and would get back to me.

i am tired of being thought of as strong, or a commodity. i think i talk too much now if i get the opportunity to be around another human being. i am so alone for such long stretches at a time that i am afraid i am disappearing so i tend to be too chatty. i can tear myself apart for you analyzing why i am not an attractive prospect for friendship, but i won't. there's no point if i think i know why people do not wish to be around me. i can only sigh and wish it were different. i can only wish i were different. or more likable. or someone else.

which is stupid because if i were someone else, i would not have been my Dragon's wife. he liked me as well as loved me.

you know, he’d love the weather today. we’d walk and i’d take his picture. he’d be in shorts and i love his legs. they are so strong. and thick. he has muscles on top of muscle. his thighs put the "David" to shame. he is such a physical person with me, always touching, so we’d be holding hands. if i stopped to take a picture that wasn’t of him, he’d stand with me and put his hand on my back, my shoulder, brush my hair from my face. always touching.

i miss that.

i think i’m tired from the strep. i had it for almost 3 weeks before i had the wherewithal to get to a cheap clinic. i had asked the ex for help in getting to a clinic but he wanted me to shop around for the best deal. so i did. i finally found a good enough deal and presented it to him at the same time i made my presentation for my middle of the month stipend. it was just in time too because i had had a fever for 4 days straight. i’m coming back but i had it in my system for so long that i’m still tired from it. i work for an hour or two now and then have to take 15 or 20 minutes to just sit back and rest. but I am getting better. i can still work until really late so no one can say i'm lazing around.

i’m just not alive anymore.

when i was with my Dragon, i was. i was more alive than i have ever been in my entire life.there was love and love makes you believe in life, in dreams, and in yourself. i was an entertaining person to be around. we had some friends who liked both of us. that means me included. i was someone people wanted to know. i think it was because my Dragon saw me. now that he is gone, i am gone.

hey, i don’t make the rules. it's science. it’s a rule of science that the only reason objects are visible is because light bounces off them. he was my light. and now it is dark. because he is gone. i can’t make it any simpler than that.

~~

last night i got up because i was thirsty. i have this plastic star that, when pressed, lights. it’s a night light of sorts. i was groggy from Captain Generic so i stumbled down the hall. don’t worry. it’s a short hall. and i saw him. i saw my Dragon standing there in that faux starlight. he took my breathe away. he was so handsome and his expression so intense. he had shaved his beard, which was fine because he is so handsome no matter what he does. his shoulders were so wide and his chest, so ready for me to lay my head on it and hear his heart beating again under my ear.

he was back. he had come back to me.

but it was only a near life experience. it was an illusion created by the light from my star shining on the glass of one of my pictures of him in this shrine that some refer to as my apartment.

when i realized my mistake i got teary. i sat down and looked at the star in my lap and kept hoping and praying, and wishing. “i wish i may i wish i might, have the wish i wish tonight….” then i would look up but he wasn't there.

my Dragon isn’t coming back. that’s the price one pays for a near life experience, sudden reality. they, whoever they are, are really going to make me wait until i die and then hope i am judged good enough to be with him.

but you know for a moment, for that one moment very deep into the night last night, i thought i was home, because he was home. and for that one brief moment, i was alive.

my immortal beloved

my dearest heart, my love, my Dragon,

i love this picture of you. we were doing Habitat for Humanity and they took our photos for some brochure or something. i think it would have been better to have our photos taken after we were dusty. but i love your smile here, the tilt of your head. so handsome.

i'm just okay but okay is all i can be while we are apart. i miss you greatly and nothing is right. food does not carry the same flavor. the sun is not as warm. the mornings are awful to wake to because i find this is not a dream.

remember that song, "you are my sunshine?" the first verse that few ever sing plays out in my head.

late one night, dear, as i lay sleeping

i dreamed i held you in my arms

when i awoke found i was mistaken

and i hung my head and cried.

you are my immortal beloved. much like Beethoven loved and wrote to a woman no one knew the identity of, i carry a torch for you just as powerful. a little over a year out and the sorrow and aloneness i feel because you are not with me is still as strong as my first day left behind. it is more familiar though and the thought of that can weaken the remaining piece of my heart until i pant from lack of being able to breathe.

our son sent me a flowery bunny. Beach Bunny with Daisies he called her. he reads and looks at the pictures. his note said he sees me getting stronger. he loved my defense of you in the previous post. that mom, the one of strong words and titanium convictions is the one he grew up with. he called me his shield. but the shield is battered now and very old, or feels that way. so much damage has been done to it.

a shield. i think i will put that analogy to rest and take up Daisy Beach Bunny instead. she isn't as worn out. she may look like an aging hippie but she's lighter, softer, and she is covered in your daisies a day. i miss you singing that. "i'll give you a daisy a day, dear......" i hope when i die that is one of the first things i hear. your voice singing to me. waiting for me. reaching out to me to take my hand and guide me as you did before. at any rate, Daisy Beach Bunny is still blessed with the talent of using a needle. she is working on the fifth dragon handkerchief. psssst. a little hint. she wanted a full moon in the center.

this is an "i ache for you" day. i'll be this way all day, however, don't worry. it is a familiar agony. i am comfortable with it since i know it so well. i'll embroider and quilt and sew all day. there's a new television show coming on late tonight that i'll check out for us. it's based on one of your favorite Elmore Leonard characters. i just wish we were together to talk about it after.

ah, well, our little Scootie Wootums is dancing like Michael Flatley. i think it's time to go for a short walk. then back to the solace of sewing.

i love you, my Dragon. i will always be your wife. you will always be my beloved, only now you are immortal. please watch over me as i stand watch over your memory, your pedestal. (i had to say it that way because it pleases me to do so. i'm down. i'm being walked on. i haven't given up.)

i'll see you tonight, in my fantasies, my dreams, my prayers.

Adventure Days

i call them Adventure Days. they are my daughter's one day off a week and we have adventures. Michael's for floss. maybe Target to just walk around. Wal-Mart, of course, for the food. but there's the talking, the talking, the laughing, the talking, and of course the talking.i'm up on those days in anticipation of being out. as in away from the apartment. i check the weather for what shirt to wear. i have 6 long sleeve shirts, all his. i have 9 t-shirts, mixed his and mine. i wear the same pair of jeans always. my others have gotten to large, or i've lost weight. i'm not sure. but it's always exciting to know that my daughter is coming to get me.

i'm a cartoon. there was the single panel cartoon that appeared in the "New Yorker" years ago, really, seriously, years ago. i don't know why i remember it but it impacted me a lot way, way back then. an elderly woman was drawn standing up from her chair. doillies rested on the arms of the chair. it looked quite comfy. the woman's knitting was beside it, needles resting for the night. with one hand she was clutching her shawl around her, chilled a bit with the movement of her getting up and walking about the little room. her other hand was patting her television. she had a soft, lonely expression in her ink drawn eyes and underneath the cartoon it was written that she was saying, "Night,night. See you tomorrow."

i feel like that sometimes. i sew until very late. i'm in and out the sliders to my balcony taking photos of the moon. and then i walk the dogs one last time. i come in and take off their leashes. i pull my Dragon's bag of climbing ropes in front of the door as a B&E deterrant. and then i turn off the television. i don't yet say, "night, night," to it. but i think i'm close.

i've become a cartoon.

oh, well. here are more moon photos. i'm that pathetic, and devoted. one negative thing. one positive thing. so they cancel each other out and i'm okay.
the setting moon yesterday morning.
the rising moon last night.
the moon at apex for me. the earth turned and he moved and it looks different. he'll be back tonight.

i'm thinking i'm going to end up taking his photo each night until after Valentine's Day. to assist me with a goal to focus on until Valentine's Day/my Dragon's funeral anniversary is past.

and now, it's Adventure Day. i'm going to go brush my teeth. psssst. we may get hamburgers.