how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.
Showing posts with label O Holy Night. Show all posts
Showing posts with label O Holy Night. Show all posts

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Fall On Your Knees

my Dragon loves Christmas. (i'm going on the assumption that your purest joys do not change after you die.) we kept saying, "when we have our own home, we will decorate and we will have the most memorable Christmas. lots of pictures, good food, the kids, a few presents, because having the home and our kids would be the greatest gift.

we didn't make it. maybe one day i will and i will bring all his joy and love of Christmas with me. in the meantime, i have started listening to Christmas music. it makes me melancholy, dreamy. i find myself suddenly jerking myself out of a reverie with the needle poised in my hand.

i'm taking a brief break from sewing to put this out there. it was my Dragon's and my first Christmas when we realized we both loved the same Christmas song. "O Holy Night." so for him, on this first Christmas without my Dragon, here is our favorite line.

"Fall on your knees. Oh, hear the angel voices. Oh night divine. Oh night when Christ was born."
this was my Dragon's favorite piece that i made. it made him think of his mother who had died before he and i met. he always said that she and i would have been great friends.

my Dragon loves Christmas. i just wanted you all to know that.

Posted by abandonedsouls at 2:38 PM 4 comments
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