Christmas

Christmas night is here.  i had my to children with me today.  my son got here on the evening of the 23rd.  spent all Christmas eve with him and my daughter, and all Christmas day.  my two babies together.  the Three Musketeers.

she left after supper to go back to her place with her husband.  he is leaving tomorrow on a plane.  hard to see him go.  so hard to see the sun set and know that this time of togetherness is over.

they are the lights of my life - fun, funny, decent, kind, sensitive, strong, protective, helpful, caring - i adore them both.  i need them so much.

i wish this Christmas would never end; that the clock had broken and we were just sitting there talking and laughing forever.

i think that that is how i will always remember them; us; laughing and talking and just being together in that moment.

the best gifts do not come in wrapping paper.  they come in cars and on airplanes and they wear clothes and they smile and talk and they call you "mom."

i wish he were here.  i miss him so much when the children return to their lives.  this "empty nest" would be a tad easier if i had his arms to turn to.  but i will cuddle down in bed with the dogs and think about one day at a time.  worry about one day.  that's all i can handle.

$12,380 is what the VA wants paid back.  it's their fault.  i wrote to them.  they admit it in their letter.  my son and daughter got together to read the letter today.  we are fighting it.  we are going to file for a waiver.  financial hardship.  can't pay that back.  not my fault if they kept sending me money.

my fingers are crossed.  i hope they see reason and let one widow just slide on by.  just let me go, please.

i wish all who read a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.  i wish all who read peace in their hearts and minds and rest for their weary spirits.

i am headed to bed to thank my lucky stars for my two children and this one Christmas that we got to have together.

Christmas then and now

this story is told with old photographs. i cannot afford a camera. don't know when i'll be getting one to update you on my Bunny, on me. so i have gone back in and found old photos to explain what words cannot convey.this is me now. i am deflated. unstuffed as it were. i am a weary Bunny that life has and is kicking the stuffing out of.

this was Christmas before. i got to be with my children. in fact, that Santa is me. my children did not know it was me. i had a wonderful time. i used to love Christmas. i still do but it's more of a Whoville without the presents kind of feeling.
Christmas is sacred and i won't impose my beliefs on you.

Christmas now is like below. i get back from work and i am wiped out. yet i still have to get back up after a brief break and get to work. and now a phone call tonight just blew my Christmas apart again.
i do not know when i will ever get my son to come to me for Christmas. his father, and now this year his girlfriend, commandeer Christmas and i never get to be with him. years like this. years. i feel smaller and smaller each year. he admitted to me that he hates it being this way but he knows i love him and always will. he trusts me, he said, and hates hurting me but he knows i will never hold this against him. he goes with the person and to the person who can hurt him if he does not cooperate.

so the phone call tonight that has further taken Christmas away? my daughter and son-in-law have to go to his mother's for Christmas. my daughter had to tell her that i needed to be invited otherwise i would not get to see them at all. i would be alone on Christmas. so i was grudgingly invited.

i did not cry on the phone. my daughter wants to see me and i want to see her. my work schedule has been such that i have not gotten to see her in 2 weeks. so i am going in my own car so that when it gets too tense, i will leave. it is this other woman's house and she is very much Queen. it will be her family around and i quite simply will not exist.

one day a year. Christmas. and i put so much in store on it. and i keep bowing my head to make sure my children are not under any more pressure than they already are. but i am getting older. i feel older. i feel tired. i simply want one Christmas. just one. one more. that's all. one to remember forever. one where there is no pain, no pressure, no being so alone that i feel like the whole world died instead of just my husband who would do anything for me.

i just want one Christmas.

but i have my pack. a new Three Musketeers has evolved from the ashes.
Scootie Wootums, me, and Carmen Sophia. we are a pack. they love me. they trust me. i can be angry and they come to me. i can walk in the door deflated and beaten down in spirit, and they believe in me. i can be sick and they never leave my side. i see their loyalty. i watched them mourn, and still mourn, our Dragon. Scootie still goes to the closet to get his shoe to lay on the floor with his nose inside it. and Carmen puts her paw on it laying side-by-side. they miss him as i do. together in bed, they stretch out beside me so that, if i need to get up for a drink or to go to the rest room, they follow me. then we get snuggled back together. they are with me in this tiny place no matter what part of the apartment i go to. they lay on the bath mat when i take a shower.

they do not worry how they look or how they will be perceived. they mourn and they feel joy in the day. both emotions so close together. they are in touch with their feelings to a degree that we as humans fight against and probably shouldn't. they miss our Dragon but they are happy to be with me. their dejection when i have to leave for work breaks my heart. they seem to understand when i say, "i have tomorrow off!" they are thrilled. this is not appreciation for m as their caretaker. i truly believe they love me. me. me as i am. me. imperfections and all. me. tired and broken and deflated,

and unstuffed. they love me. and i love them.

and we love Dragon who is not here.
maybe i don't get to have Christmas because i am not really home. i haven't been home in years. i am not where i should be. i am not a family. well, i am a family of 1, or 3 if you let me count my dogs.

but my children have other people in their lives they have to appease. it just seems a shame that these people have to BE appeased.

it is my gift to them to not demand to be appeased. i have no hoops for them to jump through. i do not snap my fingers. i love my children and just want to be with them when they are free to be with me.

but i wonder where home is? Dragon? will home one day be with you? or will i be lost to the darkness still? will i be doomed to forever roam, never having a true home? will i ever feel safe and at peace? at least i know one thing for sure. Scootie Wootums and Carmen Sophia will probably wait for me and follow me into the dark, or the light, or whatever waits a deflated, unstuffed, unimportant Bunny like me.

the Bunny who gave away her heart forever

i took the lights off my Dragon Christmas tree. i could not look at it, how big and lush it is while he is not here. it is too much his tree, his gift to me, so i took the lights off and have my little tiny colorful tree from the dollar store set up. Bunny is a little less anxious with this set up.now for the reason for this posting. because someone asked me to. the Matriarch of Grief nad Joy whom i met at the spiritual retreat has been contemplating something i said during that weekend and wanted me to explain it. so here it is in the inevitable story form; because there some things i can only explain with a story.

~

The Bunny Who Gave Away Her Heart Forever

Once upon a time there lived a… I know. Many great fairy tales start with “Once upon a time,” but this fairy tale is not a great one. It is not even a good one. It is simply a story about a Bunny who, as it works out, lived once upon a time.

She was born sensitive and creative and, unfortunately for her, with a naïve belief in all the books she hid away from real life to read. Her imagination and soulful way of being led her to the only path she could take. She was an artist and a writer. It was not something that her family understood. Not fitting in with the world is very difficult, as you, dear reader, must know, but to not fit in with your family, that can be a terrible thing. Bunny did not fit in and the price she paid was very high indeed. To survive, she complied, she placated, and she accepted her punishments for not being the Bunny her family thought she should be. But Bunny could only be who she was.

“To thine ownself be true.”

As Bunny saw she did not fit in with her family, she also saw that her heart was getting damaged. It wounded her deeply to see that so she started to keep her heart hidden. She thought to herself, “Well, not every mother and father have to love their children. It is written of in literature all the time. Maybe when I am grown up I will have love.” So Bunny tucked her heart away and waited. This did not mean that she was aloof or withheld her respect for her mother and father and brother. She was respectful and caring and hopeful. Ah, innocence. She tried to earn their love. Oh, how she tried, but nothing Bunny did was exactly right and sometimes if she did something exactly right, rules had changed and it would be exactly wrong. Punishment was swift and severe but Bunny did not let them see her cry. They saw her afraid. They saw her anxious. But never, ever, in Bunny’s long memory, did she remember a time when she let them see her cry.

As Bunny grew up, she adapted to not being loved by staying close to the shadows. Bunny built up a side to herself that was stoic and bending to the will of others. She allowed this side to be the one people got to know and kept her Bunny side hidden. She called the side that everyone met womanNshadows because even that part of her could not stand being in trouble and stayed as close to the shadows as possible. Avoidance, subterfuge, and always knowing where the exit was located was the talent womanNshadows developed. Bunny’s talent was in never being seen.

Bunny was whimsy. womanNshadows was realistic. Bunny kept her heart tucked away deep in the shadows with her, which left womanNshadows without a heart to break. Bunny hid. womanNshadows stayed public to run interference keeping everyone satisfied, or unsatisfied, with her behavior. It meant nothing to womanNshadows. She perfected being the “good girl.” Whether she was successful or not depended upon the mood in the room, but she kept people from looking too deeply at her. She provided the veil that no one looked behind. There was no reason to look past her into the shadows, into the darkness where Bunny trembled, and at times, wept.

Bunny grew up. She grew up alone in her mind and in her feelings. She grew up alone in her thoughts and her choices. She kept her fantasies and dreams to herself and only let them come out through her art. If anyone wanted to know Bunny, if someone wanted to find her past the obstacle that was womanNshadows, then they only needed to gaze at Bunny’s art. Few ever did.

One day Bunny was introduced to a man with dark sandy-colored hair and puppy-dog eyes. He was nice to Bunny and courted her with a cool dignity that Bunny thought was respect. This man with the puppy-dog eyes told Bunny she was pretty and smart and sweet and good-hearted. It made Bunny smile. She believed that maybe, just maybe, here was someone she could give her heart to. Poor young Bunny. She was young and innocent. Bunny had not been courted often and she did not know the signs.

Signs, you ask? Yes, there are signs that someone is not what they appear and only experience, or a close family can offer perspective to a young Bunny. Since Bunny’s family had either died or abandoned her, she was alone in her choices of accepting the man with the puppy-dog eyes as a husband. Bunny had wanted to believe so desperately that she forgot the lessons she had learned from interacting with her family. Bunny was tired of fear. She was tired of horror. She wanted to love and be loved, so she believed in the man with the puppy-dog eyes. Bunny soon learned through experience that the man was not what he had appeared and henceforth he will be referred to as the Dark Man.

The Dark Man continued his charade of kindness and politeness until their wedding day. As the young Bunny walked down the aisle with her heart in her hands, fully extended towards her soon-to-be husband, she noticed that he did not accept her heart right away. “Maybe it is the ceremony and all the people around,” Bunny thought. “He will accept my heart when we are alone.”

After the wedding and the reception, only when Bunny was alone with the Dark Man, did she get her first inkling of what she had done by marrying this man. Their marriage was {this part must be censored. Bunny/womanNshadows apologizes but some things cannot be spoken of in polite company.} Bunny’s proffered heart was knocked from her hand onto the floor where it got cracked and chipped. After it was over, Bunny was left alone. In pain, she crawled across the floor and gathered her heart close. She saw the damage that had been done to it, more than ever before. She did not know what she had done wrong, for that was how Bunny thought of it. She had done something wrong, much like she always thought of it with her family. She simply had to figure out how to please her new husband. That was all. She simply needed to learn how to make him happy and help him see that Bunny was a “good girl.”

But as time passed Bunny stopped trying to please him and simply tried hard not to make him angry. The Dark Man was cruel to Bunny and kept her financially and physically trapped. Their marriage was not a sacrament as Bunny had always dreamed her marriage would be. She kept her head down and slipped deep into the shadows. Her stand-up girl, womanNshadows, took her place and as for Bunny’s heart? Once again she locked it away deep inside herself.

The years passed, oh, yes, they did. Two decades that Bunny was trapped. She had had two babies that she had kept physically safe, but as for the things that the Dark Man said to them, the things they overheard, and were exposed to, well, heartbreakingly, there was nothing womanNshadows could do but try to figure out an explanation for them, protect them, divert the Dark Man’s rage, and finally confrontationally place herself between him and her babies. And all Bunny could do was watch helplessly from the sanctity of her darkness, out of harm’s way.

The sad thing is this. Bunny was not really out of harm’s way. She was not really safe and she knew it. You cannot witness yourself being damaged and not feel it all the way to your soul. But sometimes the thin veil of lies we cover ourselves with are enough to keep us from going mad.

As with all stories, there is a time of conflict. Bunny’s story was no different. It seemed that all through the almost 20 years of Bunny’s faux marriage the plot was rising to the pivotal conflict that would be the catalyst for the climax of the story. The one event that lit the fuse to the divorce of Bunny from the Dark Man occurred over the course of 2 days. It was ugly. In desperation, Bunny saw that she, herself, womanNshadows, could not endure this any longer. A very broken Bunny initiated the divorce.

Bunny and her babies were forced out into the cold, uncertain world like all the demons of Hell were after them, but it was really only one. Whatever the world intended to throw at them, at her, Bunny felt they might be better off, for the world is a cold and cruel place, but it would never pretend to be anything else.

Terrified, Bunny kept her arms around her babies and her eyes on the Dark Man. This meant that Bunny had to walk backwards into her uncertain future. It meant she never saw him coming ~ the Dragon ~ the love of her life.

Now it might seem that a Dragon is an unusual mate for a Bunny, but it is actually perfect, and poetic. There is a saying. “Once in a while, right in the middle of an ordinary life, love gives us a fairy tale.” And indeed it was.

A Dragon and a Bunny. No two were more opposite. He was fierce and brave. She was cautious and afraid. He was strong in spirit. She was exhausted. He had much experience in affairs of the heart. Bunny’s heart had always been locked away and she did not know if she still had the key. He was so very handsome. Bunny was faded. But there was one thing they did have in common. Both the Dragon and Bunny had pain in their eyes. He saw it in hers. She saw it in his. Bunny’s was pretty self-explanatory. But Dragon’s pain ran deep for he was a Marine, Force Recon, and he could not really speak about his pain. All he could say to Bunny was, “I’ve done things.” But that’s all he had to say, for Bunny knew. She was intuitive, and she had empathy and compassion.

Bunny looked into his eyes and saw across the field to the castle he had built around himself. Behind the castle walls she saw the stoic and valiant warrior who stood at attention. He was ready to defend. He was ready to protect. And he was tired, too, just like Bunny. He wanted to love and be loved, just like Bunny. They were meant to be.

They grew close very quickly. Bunny first offered her eyes to her Dragon. She let him see who she was and smiled as she looked through his defenses as if they were glass. Then she offered him her ears to listen to him. She listened to the stories he would tell and to the stories he could not and she comforted him. She offered him her arms to hold him in the night when flashbacks and nightmares assaulted his dreams. She gave him her life and her love.

And the Dragon gave all he had and was to his Bunny. He gave her his eyes to see the Bunny she really was. He gave her his ears to listen to the terrible things she needed to tell someone, just once. He gave her his arms to hold her close, in comfort and protection. He gave her his strength when a certain sound, when a feeling of terror would creep up her spine, whenever she had her own flashbacks. He gave her his life and his love.

Bunny and her Dragon. Dragon and his Bunny. Their marriage was a true sacrament. They joined their lives and their souls, and yes, they offered each other their hearts. Like all perfect marriages, Bunny and Dragon kept their hearts in the center of the circle that their sacrament formed. Together, facing each other, hands always joined, fingers always laced together, Bunny and her Dragon protected their marriage and their hearts. Neither worried that anything would happen to part them. They had both faced terrible things and survived. Now that they were together, they felt blessed. Finally, after over 40 decades on this cold, aloof world, they had both found someone to give their hearts to. Sometimes life saves the best until last. Bunny and Dragon looked forward to their future together.

Just as fairy tales start with “Once upon a time,” they also come to an end. They always seem to end with “and they lived happily ever after.” Those fairly tales really haven’t ended though, have they? We were merely taken away from the story. The truth is there is no happily ever after because the story has to end and the sad part of this truth is that only one story ends while the other is forced to continue on alone, at least for a time.

Bunny’s beloved Dragon died one night, suddenly, tragically, almost violently, while she cuddled with him with her hand over his great heart. It seized and Bunny tried, but failed, to save him. She had no magic. Only her Dragon was magic. All Bunny had was her love for him and love has no power over death. Love’s only power is the strength of its endurance and loyalty. In horror, Bunny watched as the light left her Dragon’s eyes. She called to him, cried to him, then bowed her head and told him softly how much she loved him and always would. It was her way of saying she understood that, though he did not want to, she knew he had to go.

After his beautiful, handsome form was prepared for her to sit beside, a shocked and mournful Bunny went in to quietly say good-bye to her beloved. His silence was terrifyingly loud. His great chest was still. His body was empty of his majestic soul, yet Bunny hoped he was still near, somehow, someway, to hear her. Through their short time together, she had always given him little gifts, a flower, a seashell. Now she wanted to give him one last gift.

She held his hands in hers and, as best as she could with his body lying down so still, she formed their circle. As always, inside their circle were their two hearts. His heart no longer carried any life therefore its colors were fading, but hers was vibrant and full of her life and her love for her Dragon. It beat fast with shock and grief inside the last circle she would be allowed to make with him. Bunny closed her eyes and reached inside the circle and took her beating heart, and put it in her Dragon’s hand. Then she closed his fingers around it and leaned down to whisper against his lips, “Keep it. It’s yours. It always has been.”

The room started to feel empty. The color of the harsh florescent light shining over her and her beloved Dragon seemed to cool. He was gone. Terrified, Bunny opened her Dragon’s hand to look and see. With an odd relief, she saw that it was gone. Her heart was gone. Torrents of tears started to finally fall. Her Dragon had taken her gift with him. He had taken her heart with him on his journey. Bunny prayed it would keep him safe and allow her to find him when it was her time to go.

Bunny reached in to take her Dragon’s still heart from the circle that would never be formed again on this earth and put it where her heart used to be. She would keep his dead heart just as he was keeping her live one, a special trade, one that only true love can understand.

Now Bunny lives without her heart. She is lonely and desolate. When she stops to listen to her life now, she hears nothing but the sound of her own grief. But dear reader, you must not worry for Bunny’s heart is not lost; it is simply gone to another place. She does take comfort in the fact that her Dragon has her heart with him. She hopes he won’t be lonely while he waits for her though she is in deep sorrow without him. She cannot go to where he lives now. She has not been called. Bunny believes that when she does hear her name from the other side, she will go with his heart in her hand and find him standing there with her heart in his. Then they will embrace and form their circle again and this time it will be for all time. Their hearts will be transformed and placed back in the circle of their love and the sacrament of their marriage, for you see, there is something I have not told you, dear reader. When Bunny and Dragon got married they had “until death do us part” removed from their ceremony. They had promised each other “forever.”

“Ego dilecto meo et dilectus meus mihi.”

“I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine.”

peace to all who read. peace and light to all who grieve.

22 months ~ i pine for you

another round of nightmares last night. so awful to keep doing night after night. what the h*ll is up with this? i have no idea why unless in talking to the Matriarch of Grief and Joy doors to the bad things i have worked all my life to keep closed are being flung open. maybe facing what i have never talked about will make me stronger. who knows anymore. but it feels a little like what i imagine cutting myself would be like to talk about this stuff. the sting of it is powerfully hurtful and yet, now someone knows what happened to me.

it has enhanced my pain, and my creativity. i am afraid to go to sleep sometimes so i keep working. i have lost some more weight. but it has also allowed me to see that someone can be in my corner even if only symbolically. there is no one to really be there for me, not like him. ahh, but he was and is worth all of this terror and sorrow.

22 months at 12:03 AM. i read that Elizabeth Edwards had died. then i read the comments to the story. so many had so much to say, but one anonymous commenter simply wrote: at last she can rest.

understated and perfect. it made me weep. it is what i pray for every morning and every night for my Dragon. i offer up my physical and emotional and spiritual pain along with my terror and fears and worries and grief and anxiety and desolation and......let's see, have i forgotten anything? oh, yeah, my self-worthlessness. i offer up all that so that my Dragon is given the boon of Heaven. and if he is there, i ask that all that i offer be given to someone else who has no one praying for them.

i want him to be at peace. i want him to be happy. i also want him to be waiting for me but that we the previous posting. beach. drawing in the sand. waiting on his Beach Bunny.

sigh. he was so pretty.

i love this man. every moment i got to spend with him is worth all this pain and sorrow and fear and worry.

22 months gone from me. i love you. i pine for you. i am miserable without you. life is so hard.

naming what i feel

i do not know what this is that i am feeling.

i am grateful for my job. i want to and need to keep it year round.

i am grateful for my children. they are grown and do not need me though; not like they did when they were small.

i sew for others. i am grateful to be able to do this. maybe i will be remembered when i am gone. or the idea of me will be remembered.

i feel trapped though. i feel crushed and surrounded by grief and worry.

i feel like i do not have enough time left and yet i cannot define what i really mean by that.

i miss him. my Dragon had brought me back to life. i only existed for such a long, long time.

i had created the ideas of fantasy and dreams, wishes and hopes for my children. i wanted them to have lives. then i met my Dragon and a world opened to me. we had dreams and love. we had hopes and love. we had plans and our love for each other.

and they all died with him. everything died with him.

i am treading water carrying sorrow and doubt and worry and stress. will there ever be less of those things? will i ever feel the pressure leave my chest?

is this despair? what is this that i am feeling? i honestly do not know. is this normal? 22 months on Thursday. "{despair is} the worst betrayal, the coldest seduction: to believe at last that the enemy will prevail." ~ M. Piercy. who is my enemy? myself and my inability to get control of my grief and worry over money? death who took my lovely Dragon away? my mother who trained me to be submissive? Voldemort who tried to convince me i was not worth loving? who is my enemy?

all i know is lately, i wake up sobbing. i go to bed more exhausted than ever before. i am drained of every bit of energy i started the day with which was precious little.

something has happened that i cannot speak about, but my Christmas is ruined. i hurt so much over it. i have been writing in my journal for a couple of months about it, but i find it is not enough. i want to scream outside somewhere. i want to raise my fist and scream in anger at the universe that sets these things up like this. haven't i suffered enough? you want more from me? what's left? what do i have left that i am not supposed to have? i am pretty low right now. i have been stripped of so much already and i really did not have that much to start with.

i had my little Dragon Christmas tree decorated. i am considering taking the lights off so that i am not tormented with having them there but not turning them on to save on the electric bill. but then the Whos of Whoville had all their decorations taken away and celebrated anyway. am i any less a Who? people do not know Who i am. all they know of me is the brief time we have spent together, either online, on the phone, or some time in person which has not been long. i have no long time friends. only people who have known me since my Dragon died. so if i take down the lights i hesitate to turn on, will i be any less a Who? will i regret not having them there for the one moment i may want to see them on for a few minutes?

see the abstract queries my mind plagues me with? i do not need this.

oh, please, stop. please just let me be. i am not asking for anything. the only thing i am asking for is this job to stay permanent so i can pay rent and eat. two things that a lot of people take for granted as is their right. have a roof and eating is not really a right. it can be a luxury for some people. fighting for it, working so hard for it, and then to have something else happen to ruin Christmas.

i want my Dragon. i would not balk at the ride ending so i can go to where he is waiting. there is so much pain here.

wouldn't it be nice to imagine Beach Bunny closing her eyes and then her soul opens to seeing him drawing in the sand on a beach somewhere in Heaven? he is obviously waiting for his Bunny. he still loves her.

it is a better vision than the nightmares i have been having the last almost 3 weeks. in all the dreams the locations are different. the set up is different. but the plot is the same. i am searching for my Dragon and i just miss him, or he is not there, or has moved on and i am too late. i startle awake and then i sob. i cry for upwards of half an hour. exhausted, i fall back asleep. is this despair? or is this simply being close to but not quite at 2 year?

22 months on Thursday. a ruined Christmas. fear. stress. worry. waning energy. insomnia. deep intense grief. i am coping as best as i can. i keep up the pretense at work. i crumple back here at the apartment. i make as many people happy as i can. i have not and will not give up.

but i do not know what this is that i am feeling. i do not have a name for it. i am in pain. my soul is in anguish.

and the only one who can give me comfort, the only one who ever loved me, is in this urn.

Bunny cries

i like that quote i put under the picture of Bunny crying. i read it the other night late. way too very late.

"that was the night they promised to be together through everything, each to care for the other when old and gray. a lovers' pact, the most likely to last. ~ Krista J. Mikula

we had many nights like that, promising each other things we had no business promising. but when you love, you promised the moon and the stars. sadly, he did give me one of those things. he gave me the moon.
i am hurting so much more than i did last year, my first Christmas. it was still less than a year and i was still so numb. i cry so often now in the apartment. people think i am doing well, but i am not. what they see is a mask of coping with living day-to-day.

my children are thrilled with my job but for different reasons than i am. they want me to be out. they want me engaged in life. they want me to be talking to people and interacting with the world outside my door. i am grateful for the job. i am grateful that it is in a toy store. i am grateful for the paycheck. i am trying to find that balance of grieving for my Dragon and the joy i am supposed to be what? searching for? working for? walking towards?

i am depressed. i know it. there is nothing i can do about it except wake up, get up, get to work, whichever job is on the schedule first, then do the other job. and all i can do is cross my fingers it will be enough. i am getting more and more tired even though i am grateful for the job. please do not misunderstand. i am on my knees grateful for that job. i am just getting tired. i need to build myself up to this amount of work and this even smaller amount of sleep. the insomnia i already have with this new narrow window of time to try and find it in is killing me.

Bunny goes with me. i wish i could take Dragon but he was a special collector's edition and they do not sell him anymore. so Bunny goes with me in her elf costume and she rides in her back pack on my back. see the little patchwork purse hanging from the beads? that is my purse that i clip to the belt loop of my pants and have in my pocket so i do not have to have a purse in a locker in the back. i made it last night after i got home while i watched the Peanuts special on television.

yeah, i know. big f***ing deal. she made a tiny purse for her driver's license that she never needs because she does not own a car. and my debit card in case of emergency that drains a bank account that is only in the double digits. *sigh* so much stress, and it would all level out if he could be here with me. if he could hold me and tell me we will get through this. all i ever needed was my Dragon. i never wanted a castle. i never wanted to be wealthy. i only wanted just enough to make ends meet and be with my Dragon.

i love him. i feel nothing but emptiness.

"i would not wish any companion in the world but you." ~ Shakespeare

"so dear i love him that with him, all deaths i could endure. without him, live no life." ~ Shakespeare

off to work now. then back here to work. and missing my Dragon. and try to find some kind of balance. i am struggling. i guess that's all i wanted to say.

Christmas Night ~ The Kiss

i've read others having a good Christmas. lovely meals. friends. family. i've hesitated being the odd man out.

but....

plans go awry. nobody's fault. it happens. it happened today. something came up. Christmas day did not go as planned. que sara sara. i keep that song in the back of my mind. it helps during all the hours i spend alone. i'm home with my dogs. my daughter is safe and snuggy warm at her home with her husband. my son is safe up north visiting. safe and healthy are all that matter. don't have to be sitting next to each other to be grateful.

maybe next Christmas i'll have longer with family. i'm hoping i can make it more like i got Thanksgiving to be. i have 365 days to think about it. plans to lightly pencil in. after all, it will be my second one without the Dragon. maybe it was my destiny to spend this first one mostly alone. but a couple of hours is a couple of hours.

and.....

i got a wonderful surprise gift from my daughter. a Gift of the Magi kind of gift. a photo cube. she found negatives. yeah, from way back when. and she got prints and put then in a cube. here are two. they are blurry since i will not take them out of the safety of the cube. the others are for me alone. but these two had me in tears. tears of joy. tears of sorrow. intense pain and stricken with longing. on my knees thanking God i had had him for the brief time i was allowed to. so two gifts. my Dragon and these photos.

she called it "The Kiss." i remember this day. she was a photography student. we were her subjects. the assignment was called, "Marriage." she got an A. we had each other. so briefly. so intensely. flash paper. a streak across the sky. a falling star.

"how could it be so?"

"it came without ribbons! it came without tags!

it came without packages, boxes, or bags!" ~ the Grinch

it came here at midnight; like a thief in the night.

it came without Dragon and it doesn't feel right.

it's here and he's not. he didn't come back.

there was no Christmas miracle in Santa's pack.

so i sit and i think. i sit all alone.

i think of my Dragon and wish we were back home.

my Dragon died of a sudden, catastrophic heart attack on the night of February 8th. they called it just after midnight. if i can't sleep, if i'm still up, the time of midnight until after 1 am is very hard for me. still.

i will never forget his face from that night. i will never forget my efforts to save him that failed. i will never forget. i was with him when he died. i will be with him forever. he is my joy. he is my love. he is my life. he is gone and i cannot find joy, love, or any kind of life without him. i subsist on memories and a half life where i make things for others, get the vibe of their solace in what i make.

it sounds sad. i know it sounds like i'm not doing well. i'm doing the best i can. it's Christmas 2009. i am alone. i don't feel him. i haven't since he died. i've been told by so many others, read about it, that they have felt the presence of their deceased loved ones. i don't know if i should be jealous or relieved that i haven't. i tell myself that he didn't hesitate to go straight to Heaven. he deserves the rest it offers. he deserves all the joy and peace that is promised.

i just miss him. he was too much of everything. my warmth. my laughter. my safety. he was my mirror. i know i will laugh again. i'll just never be in love again. i'll never be loved again.

"stay by my side as my light grows dim

as my blood slows down

and my nerves shatter with stabbing pain

as my heart grows weak

and the wheels of my being turn slowly.

stay by my side as my fragile body is racked by pain

which verges on truth

and manic time

continues scattering dust

and furious life bursts out in scattering flames.

stay by my side as i fade

so you can point to the end of my struggle

and the twilight of eternal days

at the low dark edge of life." ~ The Devil's Backbone

because Dan said it was okay...

and i've finished the wine.

i zapped the last enchilada - i can get four meals from the enchilada meal i make. anyway, i'm appropriately tipsy and will have morning after regrets but hey, what is life without a few of those. BORING. and i've always been boring. i'm the good girl but that is my public persona. my secret dark side is - drum roll - the one who says what she thinks. i've never had that moment of "and then i heard myself say." well, i'm properly (or improperly) fortified by old wine so here it is in all is tacky, witchy glory.

Resentful - by me. *takes a bow* (i shortened it and didn't repeat myself from the shorter thingy about my daughter's mother-in-law.)

this has been festering for quite some time. it needs to be expunged.

i am resentful of certain people and i have to be honest and admit i am a bit envious of others. i wish i had some good fortune come my way.

first off, i need to go on my knees and humble myself and say i have gotten some gifts of cash for food that i sorely needed, and the enormous gift of being allowed to go to Camp Widow next August. when i think about it, i still cannot wrap my mind around the how and why of it. i cannot understand what i have done to receive such a blessing. i can never repay this gift; not unless i sell my books and become a well-paid author. i will never see enough money to repay this opportunity to go be with people. and by that i mean get out of my apartment and actually see other people that aren't scanning my groceries or embroidery floss purchases. i am so grateful and honored and in vino veritas, i do not feel i have earned it. but i want to go so much. i want to be part of something once, be in a group photo, to have my name on a list. i'll figure out how to handle the embarrassment of being the poor country mouse later. i just want to take some time to thank my fairy godmothers and God for this chance to be included.

not for the poison that i need to expel. i know of a lot of widows and widowers from online and from the group who are going away for Christmas, going other places that they have chosen to go to. and i want them to all have lovely vacations of peace and renewal of their souls. they all deserve it so much for what they've been through. i'd just like to go somewhere to. if i had the money, i'd take my dogs and go to the beach and stare at the vastness and collect shells and think about my Dragon.

my daughter has to work Christmas Eve until 6 and then go to her in-laws for some big do. i covered this in the precious =0\ post. read it and weep. i did after the phone call today. why she wanted to reinforce this, i don't know. and after having two coffee mugs of wine, i know i don't want to know. i just know there's an invisible line in the sand and i have to wonder if she doesn't like me, yet she keeps telling me how creative i am, artistic - hear the sucking up? does she want me to make her something for free? did i miss the giant hammer hitting me on the head? i'm tipsy here. i don't know. i'm just killing time until "Ghost Adventures" comes on at 9. the most un-Christmasy show i could find.

i think it was her reference to her son qualifying her reasons for not inviting me that got really confusing. "We'll have couples here. A woman alone at a party of couples isn't right."

i'll be alone on Christmas Day until around 4. i'll wake up alone. eat breakfast alone. i plan on sewing until my daughter is allowed to break free from her in-laws to come get me for our own private time together. my son-in-law told me that he and my daughter will leave as soon as they possibly can. he has never been fond of his mother or her behavior and now less so. we'll have our own supper together. Mexican food. my son-in-law's dad will be there as well. i don't know how i'll be feeling but i won't have to put on my "game face."

my son will be in New England to keep the peace. we think of him as our UN ambassador. he was claimed early on while my daughter was ignored by her dad. since the divorce, i have had him once on Christmas Eve. he was allowed to come see my Dragon and me in our house by the ocean by 5 PM and then he had to leave by 10 AM Christmas morning. it was full dark by the time he arrived. his father interrupted us 5 times with phone calls reminding him of his duty to his "real family." the next morning, 4 more phone calls demanding to know when he was leaving to "come home." it was a tense Christmas. my son felt pulled. i told him it was okay to go. i could not allow him to have that kind of pressure on him. he is my child. i want him to have peace. he knew that and was relieved because his father knows exactly what part of the body to set the stones on and stack them up. i didn't cry until after he left. my Dragon and i went for a long, long walk on the beach of our cove. we had been very firmly put in our place. that's when we first started talking about when we had money, that we would be able to have a little bit of power, but we would use it "only for good." for all his skills as a Marine, for what he did when he went off on missions, my Dragon was (is) a gentle soul. he can pulverize you in an instant but he'd hate himself in the morning, unless he felt you deserved it. we would never have made demands of our kids. we were considered the "happy, relaxing home."

i resent my ex for this. i resent that he took all the money out of the bank accounts, took the stocks, the 401K, and the house. i let him because he made assurances that i needed to. pointless to go into details. accept that it was the a prudent move, the safest one for me and my kids. my Dragon and i took care of my kids. he was in international business and i've been waiting on the release of money from a deal he worked on very hard. his associate that brought him in is now under federal investigation by both the US and Canada for it being a ponzi scheme or a pyramid scheme. i turned over all the documents to the feds. they came back to me with, "we're sorry but your husband was lied to. there is no money. at best (this person) will get 25 - 30 years in prison." my poor Dragon. i'm glad he doesn't know. only for this one reason as i glad he died before we found out.

i resent my ex's wife. she has the lie. that's all she knows about me. lies. of course i could be lying to all of you but then i'd certainly be living better, have some place to go for Christmas, and wouldn't let people talk down to me. if i had all the money he told his new wife i had, i'd have a lot more friends. and if i was lying, i'd be able to pay for my own trip to Camp Widow. she came to my daughter's wedding and talked of her own daughter's wedding plans. her daughter is getting married in 2011. they have hired a wedding planner and a dress designer to create her dress. i begged for $500 for my daughter's dress (his daughter, too) and i essentially remade the dress to fit her and to be styled like she wanted. i made everything. "so homespun, but it's nice. i mean it's as nice as you can make it. my daughter is getting....." la de da. on the other hand, she has all the money. his money. she won't let him hold out on her. she's already gone through 3 other husbands. my ex is her 4th so i guess i'm lucky to get from him what i do even if i do have to write submissive letters and present my monetary needs in bulleted copy format.

see? i am resentful. oh, and i looked terrible. "you look so tired. i guess you're not over losing (my husband)." no. it was barely 7 months then.

i am resentful of my daughter's mother-in-law. she is Facebook friends with my ex's wife. i see it all on Facebook. i roll my eyes but it stings. i don't know why. i would not want to be friends with either of them. they are neither one very kind. being in their circle would be risky for my feelings and i can't spare mine right now. i still feel left out to see their little back and forths. i am very lonely.

sadly, i am a bad person. i am resentful. i wish i had a friend. i wish i had free therapy. i wish but all i'm told is to keep looking and working to be a better friend. i'm told it's my own fault. i was told to "make some freebies." oh, God. really? is that all it would take? for me to provide free labor in trade for someone to be nice to me? and as for a grief counselor, "you really have to want it to find it."

i went to the widow's group one more time. i caved. i'm not proud. i was so lonely. it was okay. the facilitator recognized, finally, that i'm in a bad way. she saw the "loneliness in your eyes." she admitted she'd read my emails to her. she also admitted that she had not written back because she couldn't help me. if you don't have money, you can't get help. it made me like a loser. i walked away.

i had received an email from an unknown person who told me to go through Social Services. i did some checking. if you cannot pay, they put you in the system and then you lose quite a bit of freedom. they assign you a caseworker who will come out to spot check and "help" me "allocate funds for housing, food, and mental health." they feel that if you need something for free, then i need to be watched as if i were a criminal or an idiot. if i go into the system, i become a non-person and all because i asked for free grief counseling. i don't want someone to take control of my life. my ex did that. still does. i just want someone to talk to. i believed the person who i talked to. she works for Social Services.

i cannot find a church that has a priest that isn't too busy to just sit and talk to me. i sort of resent that, too. the priests back in Rockport, MA weren't too busy to make an appointment to meet with a parishioner. i guess churches down here are bigger and the priests are more isolated. they all have staff that protect them. that's sad. i feel very small and unimportant in a place where even the poorest of the poor should be able to be seen and heard.

i am having a bad day. i realized that i am back to where i was before i met the Dragon. i am unseen, unheard, and uncared about. i am no one's friend (online friends excluded). i am talking about real people. human contact. i have no one to tell little stories about my Dragon to. my daughter doesn't know what to say. she wants me to be better. she wants her old mom back. she wants me to be strong again. she remembers me standing up to her dad and deflecting all his rage onto myself. she remembers me going toe-to-toe with him during one of his rage binges over $5 spent on crayons and sidewalk chalk. she wants her lioness mom back.

but i am so tired. i am lonely. the woman whom i thought might be my friend doesn't have it in her, or i'm not someone she wishes to spend time with. she has too many other friends who have money and cars and can go and do things with her. she didn't exactly say it like that. she said, "i have other friends who have cars and can meet me. you're a bit out of the way." and "well, i didn't think you'd want to spend the money so i didn't ask you." i have to admit that it hurts to be spoken to this way.

i have fallen through the cracks. i hope i get the VA benefits so i might be more of a person in the eyes of people who need me to have money and transportation to be seen and cared about. i resent them for this though. i am a human being. whether or not i can pay for movie tickets or fancy meals out doesn't lessen what is in my heart and mind. i am a decent person. i have never been vicious or cruel. i have a soft heart. i am a sensitive soul. i am a good listener. i have an offbeat sense of humor. i am very well read, intelligent, and intuitive to others feelings. i can be a fun girl. my Dragon thought so and he was very much from the popular table. everyone wanted to be friends with the Dragon. i became cool by proximity. now that he's gone, i feel like Penelope, Odysseus's wife. people want things from me and do not care for my feelings. only Odysseus came home.

i cry easily now. i have a store of tears i never let go of while i was married to the ex. it would have been detrimental to let go. but now, i cry. i miss my Dragon in whose arms i had found such love and comfort. i miss his smile and his deep voice. i miss his friendship. i miss seeing the love in his eyes. i don't see that anymore. no one touches me except a hug from my daughter, and my son when he's allowed to come. my Dragon died but i became the ghost. my presence is felt but i am not seen.

i resent life being so cruel for the last 5 decades. i've had things but at an awful price. from a mother who would strike at a moment's notice and criticize and berate me to a husband who echoed her behavior. then to a man who means the moon and stars to me only to watch him died, stricken, gasping for air. the horror of being unable to save him haunts me. the terror of being left alone in a world that does not care very much makes me feel like i'm drowning.

but then i find out that strangers care. i get kind comments and mail. i get to go to Camp Widow. and i am heartsick to hear me tell myself, "it's because they don't really know you. after 30 minutes they'll be glad to go into a workshop to get away from you."

well, i'm exercising to tone up and i'm changing my hair. i'm going to sew some new clothes and hope i look bohemian and artistic rather than "homespun." i'm going to keep a lid on my loneliness so i don't talk too much. i want to be someone my fairy godmothers don't feel like they wasted their money on. and that's the kind of time i've had, that i would say that to myself, that enough people have treated me that way that i would think of it. i almost want to check the comments box to keep this uncommentable to protect myself. i'm fragile and afraid of what others will say to all this. but then

1. Dan said it was okay.

2. i've had two coffee cups of wine.

and 3. best of all, my Dragon would say, "*uck'em." and then he'd smile his dragon smile.