i wish he could come back

i'm not doing very well tonight. see, these Little Debbie Christmas tree snacks are out now. i had walked to the grocery store for milk and bread crumbs - don't ask. anyway, they were on the end of an aisle as i walked into the store. i stood there shell shocked. he used to buy these for me. he'd get a box and sing as he got close to the cart, "it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas" with this big smile on his face.

i felt hot inside and my fingers and toes felt cold. i grabbed a box and moved on to get the milk.

i'd like him to come back now. i've done the widow thing and i'm ready for him to come home. i know i don't live where we lived but he can find me. if anyone can find anyone, it's him. it was one of his specialties. and i'm not trying to hide from him. so, i'm ready for him to come home.

Thanksgiving is fast approaching and then, well, you know. i need him back. i'm really tired and lonely but i only want him.

i love him. i adore him. he is too cool. devilish. funny. intelligent. street smart. he took care of me. he made me laugh. he loved me so much and i have never felt so important. i loved the way he looked at me.

i don't like going to bed. i hate it. i lay there and read and read, trying to forget i'm alone. i miss him breathing beside me. i miss tangling my legs with his.

i don't like waking up. he's not there to kiss and groan at the morning light with. he was the cook. he made the most awesome breakfasts. and lunch. and suppers. i can't cook worth a damn. nothing tastes like his cooking.

i don't like life anymore. i'm alone so much. my daughter's store moved and she only has one day a week off now. i don't see anyone but her and now it's only once a week. i miss him so much. it's been 9 and a half months and i'm not any better. is it possible that i'm still in shock? i feel so distant from everything and everyone but then that numbness goes away and i cry. i feel like i'm breaking apart.

the crying gets so bad sometimes that i wonder if the neighbors can hear. i'm like some animal caught in a trap. i can't find the words to speak to the physical pain in my sternum, my hands, my head. i miss him so much. i reach out to him, to a picture of him, but my arms can only grab at emptiness. i look at his urn and i can't imagine such a man is reduced to being in there. to me, he is so handsome. his arms are so strong and when i was in his embrace, i felt like nothing could hurt me. when i put my arms around him, his chest was so big and his back so muscled that only my fingertips touched. how can he be in that urn?

so you see, i wish he'd come back. i need him. i don't want to go through the rest of whatever life i have left without him. i don't want Christmas to come without him. i don't want to sit in front of the television on New Year's Eve without him.

i don't want time to go by. or maybe it should go by really fast so i can get to be with him. i have no idea how i'm going to do this. i need him to help me. i wish he'd come back to me. i need him to come home.