panic attack

so that moment of feeling okay and thankful didn't last long. i fell off the world this afternoon. i'm scared and sad and worried and unsure of the future. it's the worst i've felt since about two days ago. that should have made me laugh but i can't.

how am i going to make it?

rent increase. they wanted $60 more a month but my daughter got them down to $30 more a month. i am falling apart here. my daughter said she and my son and i will get it worked out. one way or the other. but the dark curtains that don't allow me to see through them to any kind of future seem insurmountable.

it's cloudy and dark. my dogs are sulky and needy. they sense my deep depression. i cleaned the apartment for my Wednesday/Thursday/Friday company. i'm working on Suddenwidow's first quilt. and i keep getting the shivers. i keep getting scared. what if i never get another commission? what if i become an enormous burden for the rest of my life? i'm waiting on the VA and that takes FOREVER. my Dragon was deployed often enough on a moment's notice but benefits? wait your turn.

i have things about myself i need taken care of and there will never be the money to do it. bone chips in my left knee. bone chips in my right hand. my right thumb doesn't bend anymore. my right heel is, God who knows. but i hurt everyday. fortunately the right hand can sew. i have my "special fix." it's a can of frozen concentrate - grape juice - so far out of date. i only use it to hold. when my hand hurts, i freeze it by holding that can for a few minutes. then back to work.

i am pathetic. i'm back to being the insignificant little boat with rotting wood, peeling paint, and no way to patch myself up.

i can't find a grief counselor that doesn't want money. not through the church. not anywhere. i just want someone to sit across from me and talk me down from some of these fears. i want to talk about the Dragon. i want someone to hear some of my dark secrets and know they won't blab to anyone. i want them to tell me it wasn't my fault. i feel like it wasn't my fault i was unlovable for all my years until i met him. he loved me. and now he's dead. how can i go on?

everyone is supposed to be born for something. there should be a reason i was born. i bore my children and protected them. i raised them and they are out and away. i met my Dragon and i nurtured his soul. i made him feel like my hero. he accepted himself and knew/knows how much i adore him. he knows i am in awe of him. but life treated us like crap and took him before he could get us set up. we managed to pay for colleges and medical and stuff for my daughter and son and then he died. there's nothing left.

was my children and soothing his soul, showing him how worthy of love he is the only reason i was born? and now it's over? i got only 8 years of love extended to me and that is supposed to be enough? i don't get safety? i don't get to have a tiny home with a small yard and a way to get to go to the doctor?

i want to know what kind of miniscule stipend the government thinks all his service deserves? oh, God, i'm really not in a good place. all my old sorrows are creeping around me like tendrils of smoke meant to choke me.

i can hear my mother's voice in my head. "you're such a disappointment. you're never going to amount to anything. you don't deserve what we give you."

my father's voice: "don't ever do anything that will shame my name." that was about it for him. he wasn't a talker. he didn't do much father/daughter stuff with me. he was just gone early, home late, and was the second go-round of whippings i.e. "wait 'till your father gets home." all whippings were done twice so the point could be made very clearly.

the voice of my ex: "it's my money. you should have asked permission before buying them new shoes." "you're not going to wear that are you?" "why did you buy a new pair of jeans? wear what you have." blah, blah. right up until he said, "i'll show you what it's like to live without my money. you'll never have any of it. the kids will suffer because of you."

such darkness inside me and no one to hold my hand anymore.

Thanksgiving? i am thankful for my daughter and my son. i am thankful they are the wonderful adults they are. in spite of me or because of me, they are fantastic people. honest. responsible. intuitive. decent. if i influenced them, it was only partially. they came to me like that.

i am also so very humbly grateful that my Dragon somehow, weirdly, (erroneously?), who knows why, but he loved me. i got to hear the words, "you are my whole world and i love you so very much."

i know all your aches and pains are gone. i know you're at peace. i talk to God everyday, multiple times a day. now i just want to be safe for what time is left to me. i just want to feel safe. i don't have to be happy. i don't have anything except my things back from storage that is controlled by the ex and a tiny little townhouse. with a 6 foot privacy fence so i can let the dogs out to play without leashes. wow. i want a lot. i guess that makes me selfish.

well, i also want a car and enough commission work to give me a little padding each month, and health care, and.....and.... hmmmm. i think that's about it.

no, i wish i was on the island with my Dragon. i wish our dreams to live by the ocean had all worked out. i'd be home then, home in his arms safe and warm. i'd be in the light. not in the dark.