the walking dead

i feel like the walking dead. i am drained. too much bad. so little good that happens. something terrible happened today. i could see the signs of this coming, like "red sky at morning."i am in tears, sobbing. i wish i could talk about it to you, to someone, but at this moment it is still so very private. it is only a phone call kind of conversation, or face-to-face.

i feel caved in. i feel sick. i feel dead inside when i think of life. i am too tired of living. there has to be a time for me during this life when all things are okay. i do not need magnificent. joy is so far away as to be unreachable. i just want "okay."

i need him back. i really need him here right now. this is something he can do. this is something he can make right. but when i look up, he is still gone, still dead, still never coming back to help me, to stand with me, to be here with me.

me and my daughter need him so bad. we need our Dragon.

please, please, can you hear me calling you? i need you. she needs you.
where are you? help me. please, help me. i am so tired. i can't sleep anymore. i need you. life has handed me so much more than i think i can take.

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update: i just called her and her voice sounds strong. she is a strong woman. even though Dragon was not her biological father, she has so much of him inside her, so much of his strength and spirit. she is his daughter in her soul. God, i love them both so much. i love my son and daughter and my beloved Dragon. please take care of us. please help us get through this. and please, above all, don't let anything bad happen to her. keep her safe.

last update for tonight: she just called. her friends came and got her. she is going to stay with them in their guest room for a few nights. she is safe. her voice is strong and determined. most of all, she is safe. friends and mothers. sometimes that is enough to keep the monster away so a girl can get some rest and breathe.