in a heartbeat

two things. one, i found a new song that i like. it is not meant to be a sad song. it has a catchy melody. but put in context here, it is a very melancholy little tune.

two, i finished my opus. the dragons and the full moon. i have 25 of my Dragon's old cotton handkerchiefs. my opus, up there under the blog title, will be the center of the piece i am designing. it has taken me weeks and weeks. i worked on it after i stopped my commission work at 9 every evening. i am happy with it.

i miss him. i feel a longing that wells up inside me at times and i cannot breathe deeply at all. shallow, panting breath and i sob for him. on 8/9 July it will be 17 months.

17 months without our walks to every place we could find,

no cars, no tourists, places only locals knew about,

all along the ocean's edge.......

without his smile,

his teasing,

his arrogance woven with threads of fragility

and hope that i would always love him...

which i do,

which i will.....

without him in every season, especially winters;

i miss him in winter.

his watching over me while we were outside.

the hot showers when we went back inside.

the hot chocolate and snuggling on the sofa against his chest,

in his arms.....

17 months without looking at him when he is unaware of my gaze,

of my studying his form,

his face,

his arms,

his eyes,

his soul.......

17 months without being touched,

without being loved,

without being with my Dragon....

Camp Widow will be a surreal journey. i have my work that i am bringing for the table i am being given. my daughter came over and we worked on my new brochures. new work. new photographs.

i will fly out for San Diego the day after my Dragon's birthday. the day i fly back home will be 18 months, a year and a half since he died. the 11th of August will be our wedding anniversary.

August is my month of Dragon days.

knowing what i know now.....how it would all play out? i would do it again in a heartbeat.

"i would rather have had one breath of his hair,

one kiss of his mouth, one touch of his hand,

than an eternity without it."

~ City of Angels

and

"when they ask me what i liked the best

i'll tell them it was you."

~ City of Angels

i am bringing my opus to Camp Widow. and i'll have this new song in my head.

"silver moons and paper chains,

faded maps and shiny things.

you're my favorite one-man show.

a million different ways to go.

will you fly me away?

take me away with you,

my love..."

if only i could go. if only it were so.

Dragon handkerchiefs

hic illic exsisto extraho. "here there be dragons." work progressing on handkerchief number tertius. (Latin seemed appropriate.)my Dragon. bold, fierce, watching over me.
me.

the next one...

is drawn and started.

Christmas Eve ~ my poem

i started this poem after my son left on Black Friday. i finished it last night. i was going to wait to post it but i know some of you are going away for Christmas. you will be other places and won't be reading here so i am putting it up now.

today i am feeling a little blue and it seemed like a catharsis to post it. i hope you like it.

twas the night before Christmas

and all through the place

not a creature was stirring,

not one little face.

no stockings were hung

no tree was in sight

just a wreath on the door

and one string of small lights

the children were elsewhere

they had others to see

while the widow inside

had no place to be.

she lay silently inside

in the dark on her bed

with two Scotties beside her

and all her prayers said.

the night lay outside

both cool and real dark

while the widow's dreams

to an island embarked.

the waves would splash high

'round the rocks so very old

and waiting for her

stood her Dragon bold.

scarred hands on his hips

he waited for his wife

to come on the wind

to live their dream life.

she came to him each night

and each morn' she'd leave

but tonight was different,

tonight was Christmas Eve.

that she'd come was a given

that she'd rejoice made him smile

for the strength of their love

gave them this power for a while.

by day she would live

a quiet, solitary life

but night brought her dreams

of not widow, but wife.

in her dreams they were joined,

were together again

and she could pretend like the horror

of his death had never been.

they would meet and embrace

and then they would kiss

then he would hold her while

she talked of the day that he'd missed.

he knew she was sad.

he knew she was weary.

death kept them apart

and she was often quite teary.

but her dreams let her be

with him wild and free

on their island quite safe,

on their own sanctuary.

so here on this night

she closed her eyes tight

to be taken to her Dragon

to spend a calm night.

she missed him so much

while he longed for her

and only through dreams

could their meetings occur.

her mind set the stage

she suddenly appeared

on the island where her husband

had spent almost a year.

and now it was Christmas

in his arms she was held

because no Angel in Heaven

would their time have withheld.

they know it's been hard.

that she feels so weak.

that it "should have been me,"

and "my world is so bleak."

the Angels do cry

each time that she does

but sleep is all they have

to give her what was.

happy in dreams

with her Dragon so bold

and his love for her

fights back the raw cold.

they need each other

in this way that's not real

because even Angels know

they both need it to heal.

the Dragon needs her, too.

he needs his sweet wife

only she loved him so

and took away all his strife.

so especially this night

on this dark Christmas Eve

the Dragon and his wife

should not have to grieve.

for them to sit and look

at the soft Christmas lights

and feel nothing but sorrow

on this holiest of nights?

would be wrong to deny them

so to their island they fly

to be with each other

'till the morning sun's high.

and for a love this strong

the Angels will continue until

she lays her head down

and her own heart stills.

then together they'll be

even when infinity falls away

for not much is stronger

than a widow who prays.

so on this night before Christmas

the widow sleeps deep

and dreams of her Dragon

while she cries in her sleep.