suicide and hope ~ opposites sides of the same coin

when i wrote my last posting, i was in shock. Christmas with my daughter is not exactly as i would like it, but there was another thing that happened that day. i received a phone call that morning from the son of a woman i have be building a friendship with.

she is close to me in age. 2 years older. she is widowed. 3 years in January. her children are grown. so are mine. i work a lot but we have been speaking, meeting every once in a while for lunch when i can pay for mine. she had been kind to me when i lost my Church widow friend to the sudden heart attack.

the phone call early Tuesday morning was to tell me that she had taken an overdose of sleeping pills and had passed quietly during the night. her son is devastated. so am i.

i knew she was hurting. so am i. i knew she was sad. so am i. i knew she was missing him terribly. i am missing my Dragon so very much. i did not know she was thinking of taking her life.

i do not know how i missed it. her son does not know how he missed it. i went to her wake last night and i came home and cried. i have mixed feelings about this and will need to work them through in my own heart before writing more. but i just wanted to at least tell someone this. people who may feel my shock and share my sorrow, pain, intense wonder at her decision, all the questions and thoughts that cross a person's mind when they learn that .....

someone took their life because they were too sad to live.

i am sad, but the intensity she felt is not something i share with my friend. i have awe-inspiring storms that rumble and blow through my life. i get scared. i get intimidated. i get upset. it never crosses my mind to give up on living. my Dragon would be hurt and angry and devastated that i could not live without him; that his love had not made me strong, but broken me down. my children would be destroyed.

and in thinking of my own children, i would never want them to give up on life simply because i had died. oh, God, it would break my heart to see them in such despair.

i am widowed. it is still my belief that i always will be widowed. i have no interest in dating or finding anyone. but having said that, i have not given up on myself. i am eating as best i can to take care of the diabetes and high blood pressure. since May 31st, i have lost 27 pounds.
i eat healthy, inexpensive but healthy, like my friend up there. {still can't believe i got that shot just off my Dragon's and my beach where we spent so much of our time.}

i still dream. my dreams are for a small little home. humble and safe with a little garden and fence for my scotties. i'd call it Scotland Yard. just little fantasies that keep my spirit humming along. day dreams that allow my soul to feel nurtured and to let my creativity run free.
i keep up with the people i have "met" here as part of this lonely journey. Dan, Boo, Deb, SSSF, Rose, Sandy, Judy, Suzann, Lys, etc. all of you are important to me. i have lost some along the way. women for whom i wasn't enough. women who have passed ~ my Church friend who died and now this lovely, lonely lady.

we have to stay together. we must keep up with each other. some of us are flying faster than others. some of us, like me, are lolly-gagging at the back soaking up the sun while we drift along on our own little breeze. not all of us grieve the same way at the same time. that is what makes us all so wonderful.
but we must be kind to each other. we must try to stay in touch, check in every once in a while. and if we feel that one of us is in despair, then maybe we can reach out.

my last conversation with my friend who committed suicide was this:

"Bunny, i feel so lost."

"me, too, but we can be lost together. i am hoping that maybe, one day soon, maybe after this holiday season, we can sort of find our way again. it's just temporary, this being lost. it's Christmas and we feel their absence. we'll hang on together. just call me whenever you want to talk."

but she didn't call. instead, she took pills and now her son has lost both his parents. i feel for him so much. at the wake he looked like a deer in the headlights. his fiancee was right beside him. helping him. being there with him. i know she and him together will get through this.

as for me, i have lost another friend.

but i have the few that are sticking by me. today i returned home from work to an email from Dan. he is a blessing. he sent me an email that helped me and lifted my soul. Christmas can be so hard when you want things you cannot have. people like Dan who look back over their shoulders to check on us little ones; the only words are blessed. i feel humbled and grateful to say i know him and he is my friend.

Dan, thank you for being there even though you had no idea about the sad thing that had happened this week.

suicide and hope are opposites sides of the same coin. something terrible has happened that has caused you to experience a grief so profound that death has crossed your mind. you think about the afterlife. you wonder what is out there. you wonder if it is better. you wonder if you can join someone who has gone before you, your child, your mate, someone so important to you that life here has lost its color. but there are still reasons to continue to live the life that has been gifted to you. there is hope. i will never flip that coin. i will always hold it in my hand and then lay it carefully down in the center of the table. the side that has HOPE etched in it will always be shining upwards.

i pray we all hang in there. we all have so much to be grateful for. we all have someone still here who needs us, who loves us, and who waits for us to come home.
i pray that the peace that can be found at Christmas finds you all. i pray for the hope that we all need to find within reach, is right there for us to hang onto. and i wish for friends and family to surround you, even if it can only on the phone.

we are loved. we are needed. we are important.

i love you, Dragon. i am living. i am remembering you with smiles and laughter. and i will always love you. Merry Christmas.

i'm beside the ocean again

i'm living beside the ocean again. i can hear the waves and this time the water is warm. it's Hawaii. i've never been but Suddenwidow has and she sent me a Hawaiian beach to help me through this week. i've taken photos and i hope Suddenwidow doesn't mind being protrayed as a nurse. TLC. that's what some of us need sometimes. flowers. emails. cards. and now the beach. now if only my Dragon could come back i'd invite everyone to my apartment to sit by the beach and we'd have a party.

okay, i'm not 100%. i need to get through Valentine's Day.

here is Suddenwidow, the nurse, and me, the clown since my life is a farce. but i'm still in disguise. that's why the mask. still have the self esteem issues. sorry. =*0( Dragon was helping. now he's gone and i can't see myself in his eyes. but i'm trying to rebuild myself myself with the memory of his eyes.

anyway..............
meet "bowl of ocean." it comes in a box and the sand, rocks, and shells in little packets. it's a zen garden of beach.
it comes with instructions on a card for the uninitiated but i've been on a beach before. i'm a rock stacker from way back. i know what to do.

see? two pals by the beach.

a bowl of ocean. my own zen garden. i can rearrange it anytime i need to go to the beach.

i know, i used trolls. no inference intended with regards to the lovely Suddenwidow. i wanted to convey friends and the nurse troll is so small she got lost beside Beach Bunny.

far to go

i am a Thursday's Child. that line in the rhyme has been my truth. if i were to give a brief history, which i am not, you would see that my life has been lived on the edge of a constant storm. unlike Marlene Dietrich, i do not know anyone that i may call at 4 am. my children are grown so i do not have to get up for them. they are my only family.

i have yet to type anything that has any real strength. i've read uplifting things from others. but my hope, being fragile, is something i keep high on the shelf and protect. it is something i polish only with my gaze. but it is there and it is mine. i will try to write with more hope from now on though.

Christmas Eve ~ my poem

i started this poem after my son left on Black Friday. i finished it last night. i was going to wait to post it but i know some of you are going away for Christmas. you will be other places and won't be reading here so i am putting it up now.

today i am feeling a little blue and it seemed like a catharsis to post it. i hope you like it.

twas the night before Christmas

and all through the place

not a creature was stirring,

not one little face.

no stockings were hung

no tree was in sight

just a wreath on the door

and one string of small lights

the children were elsewhere

they had others to see

while the widow inside

had no place to be.

she lay silently inside

in the dark on her bed

with two Scotties beside her

and all her prayers said.

the night lay outside

both cool and real dark

while the widow's dreams

to an island embarked.

the waves would splash high

'round the rocks so very old

and waiting for her

stood her Dragon bold.

scarred hands on his hips

he waited for his wife

to come on the wind

to live their dream life.

she came to him each night

and each morn' she'd leave

but tonight was different,

tonight was Christmas Eve.

that she'd come was a given

that she'd rejoice made him smile

for the strength of their love

gave them this power for a while.

by day she would live

a quiet, solitary life

but night brought her dreams

of not widow, but wife.

in her dreams they were joined,

were together again

and she could pretend like the horror

of his death had never been.

they would meet and embrace

and then they would kiss

then he would hold her while

she talked of the day that he'd missed.

he knew she was sad.

he knew she was weary.

death kept them apart

and she was often quite teary.

but her dreams let her be

with him wild and free

on their island quite safe,

on their own sanctuary.

so here on this night

she closed her eyes tight

to be taken to her Dragon

to spend a calm night.

she missed him so much

while he longed for her

and only through dreams

could their meetings occur.

her mind set the stage

she suddenly appeared

on the island where her husband

had spent almost a year.

and now it was Christmas

in his arms she was held

because no Angel in Heaven

would their time have withheld.

they know it's been hard.

that she feels so weak.

that it "should have been me,"

and "my world is so bleak."

the Angels do cry

each time that she does

but sleep is all they have

to give her what was.

happy in dreams

with her Dragon so bold

and his love for her

fights back the raw cold.

they need each other

in this way that's not real

because even Angels know

they both need it to heal.

the Dragon needs her, too.

he needs his sweet wife

only she loved him so

and took away all his strife.

so especially this night

on this dark Christmas Eve

the Dragon and his wife

should not have to grieve.

for them to sit and look

at the soft Christmas lights

and feel nothing but sorrow

on this holiest of nights?

would be wrong to deny them

so to their island they fly

to be with each other

'till the morning sun's high.

and for a love this strong

the Angels will continue until

she lays her head down

and her own heart stills.

then together they'll be

even when infinity falls away

for not much is stronger

than a widow who prays.

so on this night before Christmas

the widow sleeps deep

and dreams of her Dragon

while she cries in her sleep.