something wicked this way comes

tumultuous mind

money worries

health fears

loneliness rules Bunny's heart

seeing people's vacation photos

knowing she can never take a day off

knowing it will be a long, long time

before she'll walk by the ocean again.

all the invisible things

she clutches tightly to her chest.

all the physical things

she's lost along the way.

is it a storm brewing,

or is Bunny making mountains

out of molehills?

only time will tell.

Bunny lives her life

in a house of sticks

and the wolf might be

at the door.

right now she's staring at his birthday,

the 2.5 year mark,

her wedding anniversary;

all housed within 6 terrible, memory-filled days.

none of Bunny's "friends"

have been with her for longer than 2 years.

some have not touched base

in weeks and weeks.

was it something she wrote?

something she didn't?

something she is?

something she isn't?

is there a physical storm

brewing on Bunny's horizon?

or is it only in her

lonely, terrified little heart?

either way,

she's waiting for the

other shoe

to drop.

~~@

come back to me,

oh, please, come back for me.

wait for me, my love.

i need you so,

i can't do this, you know?

sit with me, my love.

~

p.s. added 31st July: i keep checking back to see if anyone has any kind thing to say. *sigh* i've always heard, "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." so i guess that's it.

the Great Mobius Strip of Grief

my Internet went down on Sunday at 10 AM. right in the middle of my iChat with my son, our images froze onscreen. we finished our talk on the cells. technology is the double-edged sword of our lives. when it works it is wonderful. i can see my son who lives 8 hours away. when it turns on us, it is frustrating and even alienating. practically all of our contact is done online to even get to face-to-face. emails. tweets. texts. "meet me?" "can i come over?" i like to hear voices. i like to see faces. i do not have the money for a phone that is connected to the web like that. my cell is only for my children since we are all AT&T. $1 a day if i use it. no charge for talking to another AT&T cell. pay for what you use.

someone was going to call me Sunday. my magic jack plugs into the computer so with the Great 10AM Crash, i did not get the call. the repair man came at 7:30 last night and had to give me a new modem thingy that sits on the floor and blinks at me. so i am up.

i worked yesterday. i worked Saturday and Black Friday. i really like the job. the managers all say they like me and do not see any real reason why i would not be asked to stay on after the holidays. and then yesterday the 4th and final manager in line had her things to say. it made me apprehensive and between all of you and me, i do not need anymore stress and anxiety in my life.

she said, "before you i was the oldest but i told {the head manager} that it was okay."

i was not sure how to respond to that. then she got a little peeved that i was helping a customer and did not break away to answer the phone. "you can answer the phone, you know. here's what you say. i know you were with someone but you can answer the phone." she was idle. i had thought she would get the phone. with every customer i offer the sounds that can go into the toy. at the end of my shift she evaluated me and said, "you need to offer sounds." i told her i did to every customer. she ignored me and wrote it down as a critique. she asked how i liked working there. i told her i loved it and wanted to work hard to be able to stay beyond season. the other 3 managers had responded positively. she responded with, "well, you never know. i mean we may ask someone to stay on. we'll have to see how you work out."

my face felt hot. my head felt like it was going to explode. i simply smiled what i call a Mona Lisa smile. it was proper. it was in place. behind it was a mystery as to what i was truly feeling with her words ringing in my brain.

in this economy, knowing you are talking to a widow, knowing how hard things can be even for people who have a partner and two incomes, having your job threatened while you are a recent hire and still learning is cruel. cruel. mean. heartless. bullying.

then she turns it around and asks about my textile art and grief and the heritage behind my last name. "how do you pronounce it?" "what heritage?" i have no idea where i stand with this woman. i am on guard and on alert. i am also not on the schedule until Sunday. and then i only work 4 days that week. i need hours. hours. hours of work. but i am using this week to finish up the quilt that is due before Christmas.

Christmas is coming again,

without him

but this time i am wide awake.

i hear the bells, the songs,

without him

and at times my composure breaks.

i bought myself little star lights

without him

and i put them on my Dragon tree.

the tree he bought grew tall

without him

and the only one to decorate it is me.

i stood and cried by his tree

without him

i cried as i strung the lights.

Christmas is coming again

without him,

and nothing will ever feel right,

ever again....

without him.

i wish i could run to his arms and stay there. i want him to hold me and protect me, or at least spell me, from life's little cruelties. he was so great for letting me sit cuddled up to him and talk. he was so great for talking to me and easing my woes. he used humor. he used his ineffable {sacred} lightness that was part of who he was to comfort me. he surrounded me with his love.

i am facing the holidays and the start of the new year outside the fog of the first year and a half. the sleeping widow has woken up and she is crushed under the weight of reality. i want to go back into the fog and the numbness and bumble around. i do not want to think. i do not want to do anything but ............. i do not even know what i want to do anymore. i feel so overwhelmed with anxiety, panic, fears of one woman making me lose my job, not getting to keep the job, how long will my life without him be, a myriad of questions for which there is no answer, or no easy answer.

i really need him which is stupid funny because i need him because his death makes me need him more. i always needed him before simply because he made me so damn happy. yes, me happy. Bunny was happy once. but his death is so hard and i need him to help me get through it so it is a paradox of sorts. it is so simple a thought that is becomes complex; the Great Mobius Strip of Grief.

my Dragon and i were scrounging for shells and small pieces of driftwood along the beach one day when a man walked up, a tourist during the season. he introduced himself and said he was an early riser like we were and saw us out all the time and that we were always holding hands. my Dragon introduced us and referred to me as his "lovely bride." the man said jokingly, "So you love her as much as the day you married her, huh?"

and my Dragon said, "No." my Dragon looked at me and reached for my hand. he smiled enigmatically and said, "i love her more and more with each passing day. we're growing old together so our love is growing." then he looked back at the man and said, "that's how it is for us. every day. more and more."

and that's how it still is. even though his spirit has transcended to another place, i love him more and more. every day. more and more. Angel Bunny pining for her absent Dragon.

Waffle House ~ the lecture ~ i am back

i am back. he is finished with me for this go round. this, in list form for brevity, is what i got out of it.

1. my stipend check for rent.

2. he drove me to the bank to deposit it so i can pay rent on time.

3. breakfast at Waffle House.

4. i am a loser for leaving him when he kept all the money.

5. his wife is spending his money like i never did. he doesn't like it but she intimidates him. she reminds him of his mother. (i know only i understand this one so only get to laugh at the karma of it. just know that i got to laugh after he left.)

6. why don't the kids love him when he has all the money. i have nothing. he has it all. why do they call me all the time? why are they defensive, or in his case, offensive, of me all the time?

and lastly,

7. i got my exercise because he refused to drive me back from the Waffle House, but in spite of my foot, (i wore my Dr. Scholl's sneakers), it was a hot walk in the fresh air. the sun beat down on my skin and i was warm all the way down into my joints. i took long deep breaths and repeated my mantras. "he's gone for now." "i can pay my rent." "Dragon loved me." "i once had a great love for a little while." "i'm gonna be okay."

there are days when i miss my Dragon so much that the pain screws up my breathing rhythm. i huff for air. then there are days when i can go outside and the clouds and the breeze are perfect. i see bunnies and deer; all very Snow White-ish out there, and i think, maybe i can make it. today was a heterogeneous mixture of those two kinds of days. truth through chemistry. while i waited for Voldemort to pick me up and while i had to sit and be spoken to like that, i controlled my panic. i won. he lost. he never knows how scared i get to face him. when i saw that it was a "run wNs down" session with no real threat to my children or me, all i had to do was shut down and take it. it is hard to keep my mouth shut when i want to tell anyone who will listen all his dirty secrets but that will bite me in the back end so i bite my tongue. maybe if i ever get free i'll write about it, but i think there is already a book called, "The Banality of Evil."

at first, when he drove away and refused to drive me back to the apartment, i felt overwhelmed with the walk. but i drew on what my Dragon had lived through. he had been all over the world, in places only a handful of people knew where he was. in the dark. in the jungle. in the desert. alone. with a spotter. with a team. falling out of the sky. being dropped off by a sub and swimming in. he had done so much scary stuff. all i was doing was walking back. one foot in front of the other all in an area i know well. so first i went back inside Waffle House for a free refill on my sweet tea. the waitress was nice and gave me extra ice for my walk and called my ex a dick. i said, "he'll be one when he grows up." we laughed. dark humor from people who know what goes on behind closed doors. people look at people like me, and the waitress, and think, there but for the grace of God. but, fact. no matter how much money someone has, how successful they seem, it won't prevent bad things from happening behind closed doors.

when i started walking, i paid attention to the sky. i pretended my Dragon was walking behind me. i told myself i will have a story to tell him when i get back. i planned how i was going to spend my time for the rest of the day. i was limping pretty badly by the time i walked down the driveway into the complex. one of the maintenance guys saw me and gave me a lift to my apartment in the golf carts they drive around the place. the respite was nice. those things can really fly and the speed bumps are a vertical trip all by themselves. he talked about my dogs and how much he likes them. he is a nice man who came and took apart my bathroom sink drain when i dropped my little silver elephant charm from my earring down the sink. i got it when my daughter was in 8th grade; to show her and the world that i never forget. momma elephants are pretty tough. it was a rough time for her. she still likes it that i wear it.

i am home. i got all the venom out, i think. i've expended the adrenalin that builds up when i have to deal with him. i certainly walked it off. and now, by writing, i have gotten it out of my mind. sort of. almost. not really, but i have tattled on him a little bit.

now i am going to get my Cube of Love and my Tribute Tile set up beside where i am going to get back to work. i wish you all peace.

panic attack

so that moment of feeling okay and thankful didn't last long. i fell off the world this afternoon. i'm scared and sad and worried and unsure of the future. it's the worst i've felt since about two days ago. that should have made me laugh but i can't.

how am i going to make it?

rent increase. they wanted $60 more a month but my daughter got them down to $30 more a month. i am falling apart here. my daughter said she and my son and i will get it worked out. one way or the other. but the dark curtains that don't allow me to see through them to any kind of future seem insurmountable.

it's cloudy and dark. my dogs are sulky and needy. they sense my deep depression. i cleaned the apartment for my Wednesday/Thursday/Friday company. i'm working on Suddenwidow's first quilt. and i keep getting the shivers. i keep getting scared. what if i never get another commission? what if i become an enormous burden for the rest of my life? i'm waiting on the VA and that takes FOREVER. my Dragon was deployed often enough on a moment's notice but benefits? wait your turn.

i have things about myself i need taken care of and there will never be the money to do it. bone chips in my left knee. bone chips in my right hand. my right thumb doesn't bend anymore. my right heel is, God who knows. but i hurt everyday. fortunately the right hand can sew. i have my "special fix." it's a can of frozen concentrate - grape juice - so far out of date. i only use it to hold. when my hand hurts, i freeze it by holding that can for a few minutes. then back to work.

i am pathetic. i'm back to being the insignificant little boat with rotting wood, peeling paint, and no way to patch myself up.

i can't find a grief counselor that doesn't want money. not through the church. not anywhere. i just want someone to sit across from me and talk me down from some of these fears. i want to talk about the Dragon. i want someone to hear some of my dark secrets and know they won't blab to anyone. i want them to tell me it wasn't my fault. i feel like it wasn't my fault i was unlovable for all my years until i met him. he loved me. and now he's dead. how can i go on?

everyone is supposed to be born for something. there should be a reason i was born. i bore my children and protected them. i raised them and they are out and away. i met my Dragon and i nurtured his soul. i made him feel like my hero. he accepted himself and knew/knows how much i adore him. he knows i am in awe of him. but life treated us like crap and took him before he could get us set up. we managed to pay for colleges and medical and stuff for my daughter and son and then he died. there's nothing left.

was my children and soothing his soul, showing him how worthy of love he is the only reason i was born? and now it's over? i got only 8 years of love extended to me and that is supposed to be enough? i don't get safety? i don't get to have a tiny home with a small yard and a way to get to go to the doctor?

i want to know what kind of miniscule stipend the government thinks all his service deserves? oh, God, i'm really not in a good place. all my old sorrows are creeping around me like tendrils of smoke meant to choke me.

i can hear my mother's voice in my head. "you're such a disappointment. you're never going to amount to anything. you don't deserve what we give you."

my father's voice: "don't ever do anything that will shame my name." that was about it for him. he wasn't a talker. he didn't do much father/daughter stuff with me. he was just gone early, home late, and was the second go-round of whippings i.e. "wait 'till your father gets home." all whippings were done twice so the point could be made very clearly.

the voice of my ex: "it's my money. you should have asked permission before buying them new shoes." "you're not going to wear that are you?" "why did you buy a new pair of jeans? wear what you have." blah, blah. right up until he said, "i'll show you what it's like to live without my money. you'll never have any of it. the kids will suffer because of you."

such darkness inside me and no one to hold my hand anymore.

Thanksgiving? i am thankful for my daughter and my son. i am thankful they are the wonderful adults they are. in spite of me or because of me, they are fantastic people. honest. responsible. intuitive. decent. if i influenced them, it was only partially. they came to me like that.

i am also so very humbly grateful that my Dragon somehow, weirdly, (erroneously?), who knows why, but he loved me. i got to hear the words, "you are my whole world and i love you so very much."

i know all your aches and pains are gone. i know you're at peace. i talk to God everyday, multiple times a day. now i just want to be safe for what time is left to me. i just want to feel safe. i don't have to be happy. i don't have anything except my things back from storage that is controlled by the ex and a tiny little townhouse. with a 6 foot privacy fence so i can let the dogs out to play without leashes. wow. i want a lot. i guess that makes me selfish.

well, i also want a car and enough commission work to give me a little padding each month, and health care, and.....and.... hmmmm. i think that's about it.

no, i wish i was on the island with my Dragon. i wish our dreams to live by the ocean had all worked out. i'd be home then, home in his arms safe and warm. i'd be in the light. not in the dark.