Heaven ~ where and what

see that tree that stands alone in the fog? that's me. i took this photo with my Dragon standing behind me. i thought the tree looked heartbreakingly poetic. my Dragon thought she looked stalwart. little did i know then that that tree would become symbolic of me. my heart is broken. i can sometimes throw a rhyme together. but i am not very stalwart. i am, however, becoming stoic. people never cease to dismay me.

but i am not stoic when i think about Heaven. it was the second thing that hit me when they brought me in to sit with him after he died. first, i thought, "he's so quiet. he's gone. he really left." then i thought about where he was at that moment. was he still lingering? was he seeing me see him? did he know what i did with my wedding ring?

my rings were made by our favorite artist, Jes MaHarry. my wedding ring is hammered copper with a gold heart and silver leaves. it speaks to all the years we were planning together, all the passing seasons, of our hair turning silver with our age, and of eternity. when my Dragon slipped the ring on my finger, the heart was turned outward to him. sitting there holding his hand after he died, i talked to him. just him and me. i took my ring off and turned the heart so that it faced inward, to me. i told him i would always be his wife. my heart is closed off from ever wanting anyone else. no one can walk where the Dragon walked. no one can come close to what he means to me. it wouldn't be fair to anyone to let them try.

i've been told i'm speaking out of turn, that it's too early. i will be 52 years old next month. i've been through all kinds of hell that i would never touch on here. i know my own mind and heart. i will be the Dragon's wife here in this life until i stop breathing.

but i am lost without him here. and where is he? i've always had faith. but then it was easy. "sure there's a Heaven. it's a beautiful place where there's no more pain, or fear, or death. we'll all be together in Heaven."

well, a book i just read said, "there is no marriage is Heaven. you will know your spouse but in the way God intended. but you will not be married to him. you will each have your service to God in Heaven."

i sobbed. not married to my Dragon? what kind of Heaven is that? i have and am combing dogma, scripture, doctrines, everything i can find to get some kind of sane hold on Heaven. but the Bible speaks in symbolism and analogies. it's cryptic. we're not meant to know. and my fear is so tangible. i've tried to be decent all my life. i've prayed. i've sacrificed. i've never sought vengeance. i've ducked my head and turned away from vexing people, from people who would and did hurt me. i pray for forgiveness of my sins, any sins my children may commit, and the sins of my Dragon. i pray for him very often.

i'm alone. always alone. i can do that. the dogs think i'm talking to them.

so why would i be punished? why would i not be allowed to be his wife? why will we be separated? we always worked better as a team.

it is my hope, what i cling to, that God gives us each the Heaven we pray for. i want the sun to clear the fog from around me.

i want it to light the path that i feel most comfortable on and am most familiar with, the driveway to our house by the ocean. this one or something like it:
i hope i get to see a quasi-familiar place that brings such gladness to my soul that i shine brighter than a womanNshadows could ever imagine of shining on earth.
i want to experience all seasons God made. i want to be with my Dragon. maybe God would allow me to paint some sunrises, or sew quilts for the babies that go to Heaven, like my first baby. i wonder if i'll get to ask questions; like ask my mother why she hit me so much, why she made me so afraid of her.

but mostly i just want to be with my Dragon, and to have my first baby back. Quinn. it's been so long since i've told anyone his name. my gift to myself. twenty-six years ago, he was taken from me. i'd like to hold him again. AND i'd like to know that he knows who i am and that he will be allowed to still be my son.

i wish i knew something that someone knows that gives me some kind of faith that families can be families in Heaven. no marriage? no families? how could that book say that? why did i read it?

i should just turn around and go shoot myself in the foot. i really didn't need to read that right now. i was searching for something to hang on to. now i'm struggling to just hang on.
i just have to calm down and think of my island and my Dragon waiting for me. and Quinn. oh, Lord. i have to go lay down now.

panic attack

so that moment of feeling okay and thankful didn't last long. i fell off the world this afternoon. i'm scared and sad and worried and unsure of the future. it's the worst i've felt since about two days ago. that should have made me laugh but i can't.

how am i going to make it?

rent increase. they wanted $60 more a month but my daughter got them down to $30 more a month. i am falling apart here. my daughter said she and my son and i will get it worked out. one way or the other. but the dark curtains that don't allow me to see through them to any kind of future seem insurmountable.

it's cloudy and dark. my dogs are sulky and needy. they sense my deep depression. i cleaned the apartment for my Wednesday/Thursday/Friday company. i'm working on Suddenwidow's first quilt. and i keep getting the shivers. i keep getting scared. what if i never get another commission? what if i become an enormous burden for the rest of my life? i'm waiting on the VA and that takes FOREVER. my Dragon was deployed often enough on a moment's notice but benefits? wait your turn.

i have things about myself i need taken care of and there will never be the money to do it. bone chips in my left knee. bone chips in my right hand. my right thumb doesn't bend anymore. my right heel is, God who knows. but i hurt everyday. fortunately the right hand can sew. i have my "special fix." it's a can of frozen concentrate - grape juice - so far out of date. i only use it to hold. when my hand hurts, i freeze it by holding that can for a few minutes. then back to work.

i am pathetic. i'm back to being the insignificant little boat with rotting wood, peeling paint, and no way to patch myself up.

i can't find a grief counselor that doesn't want money. not through the church. not anywhere. i just want someone to sit across from me and talk me down from some of these fears. i want to talk about the Dragon. i want someone to hear some of my dark secrets and know they won't blab to anyone. i want them to tell me it wasn't my fault. i feel like it wasn't my fault i was unlovable for all my years until i met him. he loved me. and now he's dead. how can i go on?

everyone is supposed to be born for something. there should be a reason i was born. i bore my children and protected them. i raised them and they are out and away. i met my Dragon and i nurtured his soul. i made him feel like my hero. he accepted himself and knew/knows how much i adore him. he knows i am in awe of him. but life treated us like crap and took him before he could get us set up. we managed to pay for colleges and medical and stuff for my daughter and son and then he died. there's nothing left.

was my children and soothing his soul, showing him how worthy of love he is the only reason i was born? and now it's over? i got only 8 years of love extended to me and that is supposed to be enough? i don't get safety? i don't get to have a tiny home with a small yard and a way to get to go to the doctor?

i want to know what kind of miniscule stipend the government thinks all his service deserves? oh, God, i'm really not in a good place. all my old sorrows are creeping around me like tendrils of smoke meant to choke me.

i can hear my mother's voice in my head. "you're such a disappointment. you're never going to amount to anything. you don't deserve what we give you."

my father's voice: "don't ever do anything that will shame my name." that was about it for him. he wasn't a talker. he didn't do much father/daughter stuff with me. he was just gone early, home late, and was the second go-round of whippings i.e. "wait 'till your father gets home." all whippings were done twice so the point could be made very clearly.

the voice of my ex: "it's my money. you should have asked permission before buying them new shoes." "you're not going to wear that are you?" "why did you buy a new pair of jeans? wear what you have." blah, blah. right up until he said, "i'll show you what it's like to live without my money. you'll never have any of it. the kids will suffer because of you."

such darkness inside me and no one to hold my hand anymore.

Thanksgiving? i am thankful for my daughter and my son. i am thankful they are the wonderful adults they are. in spite of me or because of me, they are fantastic people. honest. responsible. intuitive. decent. if i influenced them, it was only partially. they came to me like that.

i am also so very humbly grateful that my Dragon somehow, weirdly, (erroneously?), who knows why, but he loved me. i got to hear the words, "you are my whole world and i love you so very much."

i know all your aches and pains are gone. i know you're at peace. i talk to God everyday, multiple times a day. now i just want to be safe for what time is left to me. i just want to feel safe. i don't have to be happy. i don't have anything except my things back from storage that is controlled by the ex and a tiny little townhouse. with a 6 foot privacy fence so i can let the dogs out to play without leashes. wow. i want a lot. i guess that makes me selfish.

well, i also want a car and enough commission work to give me a little padding each month, and health care, and.....and.... hmmmm. i think that's about it.

no, i wish i was on the island with my Dragon. i wish our dreams to live by the ocean had all worked out. i'd be home then, home in his arms safe and warm. i'd be in the light. not in the dark.

in response to the responses

to everyone, i am overwhelmed with all your kind words of support. it humbled me.

to respond to some questions about the ex: i have no recourse through court to speed him up as this has been in place for so long now. he does pay and i am not late with my bills but he pays to his own schedule. he plays loose with the timing and it is my ill fortune to have not planned my meals better in or checked the bottle of Aleve in and around getting minutes for my cell phone and an iron to press the cuttings for the quilts. the thumb splint is a new thing i need that will become available to me when i finish the quilt on the table. as for social services, i do not qualify. i get these funds from him and i am working on making a go of my art. there are women worse off than i and funds for this are very limited as it is. it's a tough financial world out there for everyone. the woman squeezed my hand and said that it was unethical and immoral but not illegal. i am sort of stuck. if it gets too bad, i will break down and ask my son for help as i was forced to do immediately after my daughter's wedding. but this is a last resort. i write here to get the poison out. i write to cleanse my heavy heart. it is a way to call out from this little hole to let the world know i am here. we all want to be seen in some way, i think; to have our existence acknowledged. this is my way. my life is very small and i like that. i just wish i had a little bit more money to squeak by. but don't we all.

i have been living below the poverty line for quite some time so this tired road is all too familiar. the Dragon took me and my children on knowing the debt my divorce had left me in. we took care of my children first and they are now trying to help me as best they can. emotionally they are both very much there. they are adults you all would be proud to know. my anguish is more acute and my fear much greater since the death of my Dragon. before i had his arms to turn to. before i had his strength to draw from. and i had his words whispered in my ear. he always said, "i won't let anything happen to you. i will always be here for you." after a fashion that has become my new mantra. if anything truly bad happens to me, he will be waiting there for me. if i am given the task of continuing on in this life for a while longer, he is still with me. his voice is in my head. the knowledge of his love is in my heart. and his smile is everywhere i look as i have photographs of him up all over my little apartment. (it looks like a Dragon museum.) i talk to him all the time. i tell myself every morning and every night that he is waiting for me, that he is with me as i ask God to be with me. you know, that "Footsteps on the Beach" prose. "why one set of footprints?" "that was when i carried you."

maybe God is carrying me, or at least has me slung over his shoulder and that's why the ride is still a little bit bumpy. and the Dragon, when i close my eyes i can almost feel his arms around me. i swear i can hear his voice in my ear. and my heart tells me that he still loves me.

i will endure. i am humbled and enriched by all the comments to that previous posting and to the emails i got. sometimes strangers can be the angels we need to help us get up off our knees. it's the knowledge that some do care enough to reach out in the dark to try and find someone who has fallen along the road. a hero is defined as someone who can hang on one second longer. i'll never be a hero like the Dragon is, but i can hang on for one second. and another second. no long range plans. just second by second. it will add up.

thank you all. i am blessed at the realization that you are all out there. i have no other words to say other than i am humbled. tonight i am going to thank Him for the gift compassion and empathy from strangers. thank you all for your thoughts and concerns. i will get by. i did before i ever knew the Dragon. i did so and better because of the Dragon. and now, i will do what i can to get by in memory of him. as i wrote before. i am his wife and i want him to be proud of me.

old photos, old fears

i cleaned out a closet looking for something and i found a few old rolls of 35 mm. i got them processed and put on a CD. it was a lot of photos of my Dragon before he grew his beard for me and his hair turned the color of moonlight. they are old enough to be grainy. i used to like to shoot black and white. something pure about it. now i shoot digital and can convert to black and white but i will always keep my old camera and shoot the occasional roll.

i stayed up late, even for me, looking through the photos, each one of him when we were dating and shortly after our wedding. they brought back such a flood of sadness over the man i lost.

i have to admit it. let me stand up and say, "hello. i'm womanNshadows. i fell off the wagon. i went to that place. i sat with my big vice, an anemic Shirley Temple - 7up and grenadine, no cherry - and i wept over the past. i cried over things i cannot change. i have no courage for anything even remotely big to come along that i may need to change. and i am all out of wisdom or i would have tried to find, at the very least, a cherry substitute."

i want him back. we all say it. we all think it. we want our spouses back. i personally want it to be like it never happened. a long, bad dream. i want to be right back on my wedding day looking at him looking at me. i want my Dragon to come walking down the road towards me with his big dopey dog that looked ferocious but would cower and point his huge paw at the china cabinet. i to see that smile when he realizes i'm taking his picture and hear him laugh at me. "don't you have enough pictures of me?" no, there can never be enough and now there never will be another one. these last few rolls are all that's left.

i sobbed until my head ached and i asked myself why am i torturing myself? he would be so pissed at me for sitting there like that. no, he would be heartbroken that his death has caused me such intense pain. i am in mourning and he knows how much i love him, adore him, and he knows it will always be mourning for me, even at night. he would sit beside me and stroke my bowed head shaking with sobs. he would rub my back and tell me not to go on so. he'd try to tell me that he would watch over me but i can't hear him. is it because he can't find me? is he searching all over Cape Ann for me, calling out in a voice that blends in with the cry of the gulls then waiting to hear if i reply?

he's the Dragon. i have to tell myself he knows where i am or i'll go crazy. he can track anyone. it was part of his job. so i have to keep telling myself he can find me here. but i hope he's not looking. sometimes i wish he would visit for just one brief moment to let me know he's all right, but i sincerely pray he's waiting for me in Heaven. and i sincerely hope God let's me spend eternity with him because i can't bear the thought that that brief time was all i am going to be allowed to have.

Tuesday, July 28th ~ how it all played out

to Widow in the Middle, Suddenwidow, Ann, and J-in-Wales, i've added the photo of the hydrangea just for you. in the language of flowers, the hydrangea showed the earnestness in communicating something of enormous import, ranging from great joy to everlasting sorrow. you can click on it to make it larger. i hope you enjoy it.

thank you all for writing on my last posting of the 6 month anniversary of my husband's death. it was so strange how it played out. i was anxious on Saturday. Sunday, i stayed so busy watching stupid movies on SyFy Channel all day and worked on someone's Memory Quilt, almost finishing the backing. my daughter called from work several times to check on me which was very nice. the woman who's Memory Quilt i am presently working on also called. i started getting upset as night encroached though and i switched work. i set aside the other woman's quilt and pulled my own onto the table. i haven't worked on it since last May.

but for a few embroidery stitches, my Husband Quilt top is finished. i'll post a photo of it on a later blog.

my husband was pronounced on a Monday morning at 12:03 AM. when i went to bed Sunday night i laid there. i had taken Tylenol PM for my aching back and hand and hoped for sleep and though i was so drowsy, sleep did not come for a long while. i just laid there not sleeping but not crying either. no, for some reason known only to my subconscious, my crying jag didn't hit until last night. i think my son calling me and telling me he had gone to see the film, The Hurt Locker, triggered some memory of my husband's years as a Marine.

i was thinking of him and how much he had been hurt over all those years. i was remembering all the meds he was on for arthritis for his back and shoulders. my husband was in a lot of physical pain for all his active lifestyle of climbing on rocks with me and hiking and swimming in the ocean. he had broken his back twice during different combat missions so the pain could be quite intense for him at times. he'd been blown up and his parachute shot out of the sky the other time.

i laid there last night and i was thinking of everything he'd done for his country and for me and for my children. all the money we struggled to pay for my two for college that their father refused, and all of my debt that he paid off that my first husband left me with. my Marine was uncomplaining. he knew the enormity of what he was taking on but he did it with such love. he told me once, "i know the baggage you come with. i've carried a lot heavier for reasons far less than love. you are my world. i'd carry anything forever for you. besides, you're carrying something more important. you're carrying my heart and soul."

and that's when i started crying. he had the heart of a dreamer and the soul of a poet. i was sobbing and talking to God and telling Him that He had to make sure my husband was happy and to lie to him, LIE to him and tell him i'm doing okay. i had all these instructions for God whom i'm sure was listening to me with tears of His own coursing down His face. He can see i'm so miserable without my husband. i'm sure if there wasn't some reason for my husband having to die, God would have let him stay with me. but the reason eludes me except for maybe bringing rest and peace to a man whose body was so weary, that he needed all those meds to keep the pain at a tolerable level.

thank you to all four of you for reading my last post. i want you to know how much it meant to me to be remembered and to read what you wrote to me.