22 months ~ i pine for you

another round of nightmares last night. so awful to keep doing night after night. what the h*ll is up with this? i have no idea why unless in talking to the Matriarch of Grief and Joy doors to the bad things i have worked all my life to keep closed are being flung open. maybe facing what i have never talked about will make me stronger. who knows anymore. but it feels a little like what i imagine cutting myself would be like to talk about this stuff. the sting of it is powerfully hurtful and yet, now someone knows what happened to me.

it has enhanced my pain, and my creativity. i am afraid to go to sleep sometimes so i keep working. i have lost some more weight. but it has also allowed me to see that someone can be in my corner even if only symbolically. there is no one to really be there for me, not like him. ahh, but he was and is worth all of this terror and sorrow.

22 months at 12:03 AM. i read that Elizabeth Edwards had died. then i read the comments to the story. so many had so much to say, but one anonymous commenter simply wrote: at last she can rest.

understated and perfect. it made me weep. it is what i pray for every morning and every night for my Dragon. i offer up my physical and emotional and spiritual pain along with my terror and fears and worries and grief and anxiety and desolation and......let's see, have i forgotten anything? oh, yeah, my self-worthlessness. i offer up all that so that my Dragon is given the boon of Heaven. and if he is there, i ask that all that i offer be given to someone else who has no one praying for them.

i want him to be at peace. i want him to be happy. i also want him to be waiting for me but that we the previous posting. beach. drawing in the sand. waiting on his Beach Bunny.

sigh. he was so pretty.

i love this man. every moment i got to spend with him is worth all this pain and sorrow and fear and worry.

22 months gone from me. i love you. i pine for you. i am miserable without you. life is so hard.