Christmas is Over ~ Butterflies

i am sad today. discombobulated. i feel hollow inside.

and blessed.

my handsome wonderful son came to spend one day with me. he got into town Monday, the 20th in time to pick me up from work. we spend Tuesday, the 21st, together with his sister {my lovely daughter}, and he just left to drive back to Florida. and i feel such heartache. and peace. i love my children. i love them so very much.
they are the best parts of who i was, who i never got to be, who i always wanted to be. i gave them all that i was and am, and i still do.

we have such little time to spend together. there are things i really want to get off my chest, maybe i will someday, but not today. i have to leave for work in an hour and all i want to do is tell you about how great these two people are. my daughter and my son.

"i almost wish we were butterflies that lived but three summer days. three such days with you i could fill with more delight than fifty common years could ever contain." ~ John Keats.

i know he wrote that to the love of his life but my children are also the loves of my life. just as our Dragon was. is. always will be. my children are all i have left in this world. i wish my son lived closer. he is such a joy. so funny and interesting to talk to. such diverse interests.

i cannot believe the both of them are grown and yet, i am glad i got to be here for it.

it was so hard having to watch my son drive away. i walked him to his car. we hugged real tight. we both were a little teary. then we smiled and did the stiff upper lip. life is what it is. we will persevere in spite of it, or to spite it. we will see each other again. and there is always iChat.

but i did stare at the empty parking lot where his car had been for longer than was good for me.

i love my children. we got to have one day to spend together to have Christmas together. and now for me, Christmas is over. i will tell you what i am doing. i think i can type it and not cry. i am spending it alone, working on a quilt, eating what i want when i want and taking a nap maybe. i will watch movies, whatever is on. and hopefully my daughter can stop by later in the day, early evening, for a time, when she can break free. Christmas alone. i am not the first. i am not the only one. but it does feel horrible to know that i will be alone.

i will go to bed alone on the 24th, and wake alone on the 25th, and i will be alone all day until she can stop by. it feels wrong and yet, it is what has happened. there is nothing i can do to change it. but i will make it a good day. Christmas is over for me. i had it on the 21st with my son and daughter. but the meaning of Christmas will come on the 25th as it does every day. i will do my praying/meditating thing, whatever you choose to believe. and i will work and wait.
i got to see my son. i got to have my children together. the Three Musketeers were reunited for one day. the Fourth Musketeer could not come. he had to go on ahead. breaking trail for us to follow. that is the only way to think of it for if i did otherwise, i would never stop crying.

i love my children. i love my Dragon. our brief times together are worth their weight in gold.

butterflies. making the time together count.