how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Tuesday, October 11, 2016

still here

i'm still out here.
me and my Furry Beloveds.
we live and i work for us.
our home is tiny and it works for us.
our lives are very small, and that, too, works for us.

7 years, 8 months.
my rings are still on and i make no apologies.
i am still "in love" with him.
when a great many others i have "met" online
have moved into relationships,
i am still "married."
i'm not ready.
i may never be ready,
and i make no apologies.
i am through having people compare me to some random
grief step-by-step guide of where i should be.
i am where i am.
i live how i live and it hurts no one.
not even me.
i still grieve.
i still love him.
i am fine.
i am still out here.


Judy said...

I still wear my rings too--simple and humble as they are. I remember when Fred slipped them on my finger. I will never take them off. No desire of any man ever to be in my life again. We had the best--why settle for any of the rest? Love to the Fur Kids!!!

Chirita Catalina Raluca said...

I have just discovered your blog with a post about grief and people who don't or don't want to understand it. It happens to me daily and it has happened ever since a long time ago, sometimes I think that what actually hurts Is their comments, their denial and their way of saying it... nothing else hurts. This new way of loving we found after our beloved ones have slipped away, is probably the most pure and wonderful one, unconditional¡ the boy I have ever been in love with passed away when I was 16, he was 18. Since then my life took a drastical turn. Maybe there were guys that I liked... but it was enough a simple conversation to see that what my boyfriend put into my heart nobody has ever done, and nobody can make me feel the same, Same butterflies when something remind me of him,, same feeling even after 8 years. Same happiness when I am "visiting him", and what a feeling when he comes into my dreams. I am too young for this, you will say, but still.. grief exist and those who don't understand, they simply don't want to, or they souls are not that evolved as to understand this type of love.
I am actually happy to read your blog and see your love for your husband. Because this is Love¡

Light for you, dear, Raluca.

Anonymous said...

I read your blog from time to time. It has been quite a while since you posted. What love the two of you had, and still do. Most people aren't that lucky. I believe the deeper we love, the deeper the loss. My wish for you is someday you will not hurt as deeply and can smile more at the wonderful years you had together and maybe have a little more happiness within. Bless you.

Gine Oquendo said...

Thank you for sharing and my Tagger died 2 weeks ago and our hearts are full of pain and the whole family is grieving. Specially when making her arrangement with the pet cremation in hampton roads I'm crying while giving details maybe because it's not easy to accept that we will end here.

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