how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Sunday, January 17, 2016

the feelings of the persistent griever

it's about to be 7 years.  February 9th will mark 7 years that we have been apart.

what do i do with that?

i am in pain over it and i do not tell anyone. 

i am shooting for numb.  i wish to be numb.

most of the time i shut myself down and get on with my days, my life, work, taking care of the myriad of things that make up every day of a person's life.  i pay bills.  i take care of the car.  i walk my dogs and snuggle with them.  i tell them things i would never even type here.  and they listen.

they know.

i would like to go numb.   just for a while.  just not feel.  anything.  no hurt.  no sadness.  no longing.  no loneliness.

while i am at work i can disappear behind the job.  but when i am home....alone...and am getting ready for bed....i miss him.

7 years.

i do not think of dating.  i do not want another.  still.  do.  not.  i do not want to try.  i do not.  i am emphatic.  {thinking of it, putting myself in the idea of dating, makes me queasy.}  so i know i am not ready and doubt i ever will be.

queasy is a strong word.

i would like him back, please.  he knew me.  he would smile, and smile more with his eyes when he looked at me, and finish my sentences.

i could quietly tell him my most secret secrets. and he would understand.  he would laugh.  he would encourage.  he would cry with me.  he was empathetic.  he was mine and i was his.

i miss him.

i always will.

i accept that.

i just wouldn't mind a few days of being numb.  you know.  to just get a little consistent sleep without the sad, bad dream.

such are the thoughts and feelings of the persistent griever.

Monday, December 7, 2015

"it's coming on Christmas.."

"i wish i had a river i could skate away on...."

i watched a Christmas movie on the Hallmark channel.  a widow was told to "move on."  her husband had been dead for 3 years. 

it's been 6 and a half for me. 

i've seen widows and widowers all around me move on.  i haven't.

my landlady moved on after one year.  her boyfriend sleeps over 3 nights a week.  she stays very busy with all her friends, too.  out to dinner 2 - 3 times a week with them above and beyond her boyfriend.  she doesn't understand my ability to be spend my free time alone as i do.

it sort of irritates her.  she makes fun of me a little bit but it is a cutting wit; very sharp and at times derogatory.

it stings because she is my landlady but i just deeply inhale and breathe through it.

i miss him.  my Dragon.  i wish i could talk to him.  i wish he could hold my hand again.

i wish he were here for one more Christmas. 

i wish i could stop getting teary when i'm alone but it is just that time of year.

"it's coming on Christmas."  families are embracing their loved ones, making plans.  my son will be spending it with his girlfriend's family.  my daughter and grandson will be spending it with her mother-in-law up in the mountains of this state.

she is upset but she has to go. it is the best decision for her to keep peace on that side of the family.  i am, of course, "invited," but the set up of it being so far away keeps me from going, and her mother-in-law knows this.

i keep telling myself i will be fine; that i won't be lonely on Christmas Day. 

i tell myself a lot of things to get myself through the rough times.

mostly i tell myself, "this too shall pass."

Merry Christmas to all. 

peace to all who read.
peace and light to all who grieve.

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

six years, eight months

i am no longer new to grief.  there is no way anyone would give me the consideration of the grieving widow.  it has been too long.
and yet.
i am, in my way, very quietly grieving, still.

i have found my footing.  i work.  i support myself.  i have even fought for myself in abstract ways; in the "hey, i am standing here" kind of way.

i have not "moved on" as it is called.  i am not seeking companionship.  i do not want to date.  i have not taken off my wedding rings.

but i do feel stronger in my loneliness.  it doesn't bother me anymore to be so alone so much of the time.

today, my boss was looking at what we have left of our vacation time.  i spent 4 days of my two week vacation time allotted with my son and it was wonderful.  i do have time left. 

"are you going anywhere else?"

i had to laugh.  where am i going to go?  i do not have friends.  i do not any money to travel anywhere even if it were by myself.  i told her, "put me in for where i can have a day here and there off."

and i will just stay at home.  i will sew.  i will walk my dogs and take photos of the world close by my Sanctuary.  i will read and take naps and paint.  i will dream and plan for things i will never do or go to or see.

but i live a very wonderful, inspiring, decadent life inside my imagination.

and i am content.  i am relatively safe.  i am paying down a small debt.  i am taking care of myself.

and i think of him.  my Dragon.  i love him.  i miss him.  i'd love to hear his voice.  i'd love to talk to him.  i'd love to spend another day with him.

but i want him to be happy wherever he is.  i don't want him looking back, so i don't address him directly.  i talk to God.  i talk to my dogs.

six years, eight months of being without him.

time flies even when you're not having fun.

Sunday, July 12, 2015

random acts of kindness



i will only write about this once.

i know a story.  it is a true story.  it is about a young woman, a loving wife and mother.  it is about her little family.
they need help and have, humbly, humiliatingly, turned to social media.  it is a place called "go fund me."  people use this for things like help for bills to, one i saw wanted $5000 to decorate her yard with rainbows because she is gay and wanted to, well, for want of a better word, annoy her neighbors who had asked her to tone down her public displays of her life choices.
i'm still not sure how to word that as i am not sure what her true goal was but instead of $5000, for the sake of her social cause, she was given over $27,000.

this young woman i am speaking of needs help with bills.  she was let go from her job with one day's notice.  it was because they could not pay her enough for day care for her son, but wanted her to leave him "somewhere" and come in to the office to work rather than work remote as she had be doing for the last almost two years.  {her son is 19 months old.}

unemployment was denied her due to the fact that she did not lie on her application.  she told them she was looking for a job that would pay her enough to cover her helping her husband with the household bills PLUS child care.  they denied her due to the fact that she could not afford child care without a job.

 she is trying to kick start her photography business.  it is what she went to school for.  it is what she is trained for.  it is also where her passion lies.  she loves to take photographs.  she is wonderful with children and animals.  that would be her focus.  

her husband works so hard and makes very good money, but it is not enough.  they want to buy a little house so that they're house payments are less.  that would help greatly.  they are working on it.

but until then, they need help with bills.  not anything horrible like medical bills.  not anything like a social statement of "i am being discriminated against and i want to make a huge statement."
they simply need help like so many others.

for just a little bit.
until things get better for them.

here is the link to their "go fund me" site.



i hope the universe is kind.
i hope someone out there has the ability to help a little bit, or pass this around.
it is usually the random acts of kindness from strangers that make the difference in someone's life.

it did in the Good Samaritan parable.

thank you for listening.  thank you so very much for any help you can give this gentle little family.
her husband adores her and knows exactly his good fortune in finding her and in being blessed with their son.  she is a lovely person who notices the little details that others miss.  her kindness, empathy, and humility are the first things you would notice about her should you ever get the chance to meet her.


 any help would be gratefully, prayerfully accepted with joy and good thoughts for the giver.
know that they would, and do even at this difficult time for them, help others all they can.

i wish to thank you, any of the readers of my blog, if you could help.
how do i know this little family?

she is my daughter.  that is my grandson.  and i would move Heaven and Earth to help them.
if my Dragon was still alive, he would also move Heaven and Earth.
it has been whispered, "i wish he were here so i could ask his advice."

but he is not and we are winging it.

peace to all who read.  peace and light to all who grieve.


Sunday, April 19, 2015

Furry Beloveds

this is my blog where i come to vent.
i do not come here very often anymore; not like when he first died.
but i do come back.
the people i first met here, the widows and widowers who first commented and
engaged me in conversations, who befriended me
have mostly dropped off the horizon.
they're lives have taken them away from the need to come back here.
they are busy, remarried, adjusting without the need to speak to it.

i think i am a little bit lonelier then they.
in a different place in my heart?
not sure but i still do come here to write.

but i wanted anyone, everyone who reads to know that i am not in constant pain.
i am not suffering as i once was.
i am not over it though.
but i have accepted what has happened and what happens {present tense}.

i also wanted to show you happy pictures.

here is me {so to speak} with one of my Furry Beloveds.
Scootie Wootums is my little boy Scottie.
he likes to snuggle.  so do i.  it's a match made in Heaven.

my Dragon during one of our misty morning walks with our dogs on the beach in front of our home.
they and i were much younger.  he was still here.
now they and i are much older and he is not here.
but the memories.....

Scootie asking to go outside for walkies.

my sweet girl, Carmen Sophia, sharing her soul.

i sometimes feel a great loneliness when i see and know and realize that people are going home from work to their families, to busier lives than i have.
but then i walk into my Sanctuary to excited barks and wiggly butts and happy smiles
and know that i am also home to a busy, albeit slower paced, life and i relax and feel at peace.
i am home with my Furry Beloveds and there are walkies to be had and suppers to be made and snuggling to be done.

and when it's lights out, they are still there with me, yes, on the bed, and i can reach out and get a kiss.
if i have a nightmare they wake me from it.  
they are not therapy dogs.
they just love me.

and i love them.

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

melancholia

i'm down.  i don't know why.  well, i do know why.  i saw something on the social media venue of Facebook.

sometimes they suggest or ask if you know someone based on facts you have given them.  there was a woman i knew from a long time ago.

a girl.

from grade school.  i knew her from 1st grade to 11th grade.  i flipped through her photos and saw a photograph of her standing with another girl i knew from that same time period.  they had both grown up in our town, stayed, and married brothers.  they were "sisters" as well as sisters-in-law.

there were also photographs of them standing with their husbands.  and it hit me.

these two girls i had grown up with were family.  they had known each other for over 50 years.  friends.  family.  sisters.  they have roots in the town they grew up in.  homes.  lives.  everything so familiar.  so comforting.  home.

they were still home.  they had created their own homes at home.

they looked so happy.  of course i have no way of knowing if they truly are happy; if they have longings or wistful dreams of having done something else.  but in those one or two photographs i saw a sense of family and community and deep commitment to a place, land, people, town, to each other as a family that i have never known.

and it has brought me down.  i look at my life and do not see any security.  i had to move so many times for various reasons. 

me.  whose only childhood dream was of a forever home where i could be part of a church, a town, have lifelong neighbors and friends.  a little house where i lived and loved and raised my family.  a marriage where i was loved and loved. 

well, i got the love part right here at the end of my dragon's life.  such a brief time so late.  but i cherish it.  and i miss it.  i miss it so much that i ache.

i miss his holding me.  i miss his laugh.  i miss just knowing he is there.  because he's not there.

he was home.  no matter where we had to move, (and even in this marriage we had to move) i was home with him.

home.  it is such a strong word.

there is a back story to all this that i will never tell anyone.  it is a secret that haunts me and keeps me close to the darkness, too close.  things have happened to me throughout my life that i wish i could part with, share with someone; but i can't. 

home.  i wish he were here to hold me and make me feel like i was home.

i will work through this but that is all.  i am the creation; i am what is left due to all the things that have happened to me. 

i guess we all are.

Saturday, March 21, 2015

Easter

it's almost Easter.
my grief has been with me for 6 years now.
i don't know if i can call it grief.
i am not in deep grief.  it has been 6 years.
but i miss him and i call myself widow, not single.
i wear my wedding rings.
is what i feel grief? or have i moved on?
i haven't moved on from him but i have moved on with my life.
i'm not stagnant. i work.  i consider my needs.  i think about my family.
i make plans.  i hope for things like a nice vacation,
pain control of my foot and my arm.

but it is Spring.
it is Easter, almost.
it is a time to reflect and rejoice.
i have so much to be grateful for.

i have these guys.  my roomies.
i love my Carmen Sophia and Scootie Wootums.
we cuddle, walk, talk; we live together, truly live our lives.
we dance and laugh and watch tv. they wait for me when i am at work and rush home to them.

i love them so very much.

i have my son who is so wonderful.  i am so proud of him.
he has a great job and would do anything for me.
he helped me buy my car.  he got me my new fancy phone.
he calls me once or twice a week.
most of all that is so important to me,
he confides in me.  he tells me things.
he treats me like his mom and not his aging mother.
i love him so very much.

i have these two.  my daughter and grandson.
they bring such joy to my life.
my daughter and i talk 2 - 3 times a day during my work days.
on my days off, we talk more than that.
and i go see her and help her out.
we play with Finn.  we talk and talk as women will do.
she worries about me and i worry about her.
we are kindred spirits 
as well as mother and daughter.

and i have my Sanctuary.
a place of my own.
a place i have made my own.
a place i retreat to and feel safe.

i miss him.  i talk to him.  i talk about him.
am i still grieving?
i truly have no idea what to call it.
i know i have so much to be happy about.

do i wish he were here to be a part of it?
yes.
am i over his death?
i am over the fear and shock.
but i am not over him not being here.
do i deal with it in a healthy way.
i don't know what someone would call this, but this works for me.

i wish everyone a happy Spring.
i wish those who believe a happy Easter.

peace to all who read.  peace and light to all who grieve.