how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

six years, eight months

i am no longer new to grief.  there is no way anyone would give me the consideration of the grieving widow.  it has been too long.
and yet.
i am, in my way, very quietly grieving, still.

i have found my footing.  i work.  i support myself.  i have even fought for myself in abstract ways; in the "hey, i am standing here" kind of way.

i have not "moved on" as it is called.  i am not seeking companionship.  i do not want to date.  i have not taken off my wedding rings.

but i do feel stronger in my loneliness.  it doesn't bother me anymore to be so alone so much of the time.

today, my boss was looking at what we have left of our vacation time.  i spent 4 days of my two week vacation time allotted with my son and it was wonderful.  i do have time left. 

"are you going anywhere else?"

i had to laugh.  where am i going to go?  i do not have friends.  i do not any money to travel anywhere even if it were by myself.  i told her, "put me in for where i can have a day here and there off."

and i will just stay at home.  i will sew.  i will walk my dogs and take photos of the world close by my Sanctuary.  i will read and take naps and paint.  i will dream and plan for things i will never do or go to or see.

but i live a very wonderful, inspiring, decadent life inside my imagination.

and i am content.  i am relatively safe.  i am paying down a small debt.  i am taking care of myself.

and i think of him.  my Dragon.  i love him.  i miss him.  i'd love to hear his voice.  i'd love to talk to him.  i'd love to spend another day with him.

but i want him to be happy wherever he is.  i don't want him looking back, so i don't address him directly.  i talk to God.  i talk to my dogs.

six years, eight months of being without him.

time flies even when you're not having fun.

Sunday, July 12, 2015

random acts of kindness

i will only write about this once.

i know a story.  it is a true story.  it is about a young woman, a loving wife and mother.  it is about her little family.
they need help and have, humbly, humiliatingly, turned to social media.  it is a place called "go fund me."  people use this for things like help for bills to, one i saw wanted $5000 to decorate her yard with rainbows because she is gay and wanted to, well, for want of a better word, annoy her neighbors who had asked her to tone down her public displays of her life choices.
i'm still not sure how to word that as i am not sure what her true goal was but instead of $5000, for the sake of her social cause, she was given over $27,000.

this young woman i am speaking of needs help with bills.  she was let go from her job with one day's notice.  it was because they could not pay her enough for day care for her son, but wanted her to leave him "somewhere" and come in to the office to work rather than work remote as she had be doing for the last almost two years.  {her son is 19 months old.}

unemployment was denied her due to the fact that she did not lie on her application.  she told them she was looking for a job that would pay her enough to cover her helping her husband with the household bills PLUS child care.  they denied her due to the fact that she could not afford child care without a job.

 she is trying to kick start her photography business.  it is what she went to school for.  it is what she is trained for.  it is also where her passion lies.  she loves to take photographs.  she is wonderful with children and animals.  that would be her focus.  

her husband works so hard and makes very good money, but it is not enough.  they want to buy a little house so that they're house payments are less.  that would help greatly.  they are working on it.

but until then, they need help with bills.  not anything horrible like medical bills.  not anything like a social statement of "i am being discriminated against and i want to make a huge statement."
they simply need help like so many others.

for just a little bit.
until things get better for them.

here is the link to their "go fund me" site.

i hope the universe is kind.
i hope someone out there has the ability to help a little bit, or pass this around.
it is usually the random acts of kindness from strangers that make the difference in someone's life.

it did in the Good Samaritan parable.

thank you for listening.  thank you so very much for any help you can give this gentle little family.
her husband adores her and knows exactly his good fortune in finding her and in being blessed with their son.  she is a lovely person who notices the little details that others miss.  her kindness, empathy, and humility are the first things you would notice about her should you ever get the chance to meet her.

 any help would be gratefully, prayerfully accepted with joy and good thoughts for the giver.
know that they would, and do even at this difficult time for them, help others all they can.

i wish to thank you, any of the readers of my blog, if you could help.
how do i know this little family?

she is my daughter.  that is my grandson.  and i would move Heaven and Earth to help them.
if my Dragon was still alive, he would also move Heaven and Earth.
it has been whispered, "i wish he were here so i could ask his advice."

but he is not and we are winging it.

peace to all who read.  peace and light to all who grieve.

Sunday, April 19, 2015

Furry Beloveds

this is my blog where i come to vent.
i do not come here very often anymore; not like when he first died.
but i do come back.
the people i first met here, the widows and widowers who first commented and
engaged me in conversations, who befriended me
have mostly dropped off the horizon.
they're lives have taken them away from the need to come back here.
they are busy, remarried, adjusting without the need to speak to it.

i think i am a little bit lonelier then they.
in a different place in my heart?
not sure but i still do come here to write.

but i wanted anyone, everyone who reads to know that i am not in constant pain.
i am not suffering as i once was.
i am not over it though.
but i have accepted what has happened and what happens {present tense}.

i also wanted to show you happy pictures.

here is me {so to speak} with one of my Furry Beloveds.
Scootie Wootums is my little boy Scottie.
he likes to snuggle.  so do i.  it's a match made in Heaven.

my Dragon during one of our misty morning walks with our dogs on the beach in front of our home.
they and i were much younger.  he was still here.
now they and i are much older and he is not here.
but the memories.....

Scootie asking to go outside for walkies.

my sweet girl, Carmen Sophia, sharing her soul.

i sometimes feel a great loneliness when i see and know and realize that people are going home from work to their families, to busier lives than i have.
but then i walk into my Sanctuary to excited barks and wiggly butts and happy smiles
and know that i am also home to a busy, albeit slower paced, life and i relax and feel at peace.
i am home with my Furry Beloveds and there are walkies to be had and suppers to be made and snuggling to be done.

and when it's lights out, they are still there with me, yes, on the bed, and i can reach out and get a kiss.
if i have a nightmare they wake me from it.  
they are not therapy dogs.
they just love me.

and i love them.

Tuesday, April 14, 2015


i'm down.  i don't know why.  well, i do know why.  i saw something on the social media venue of Facebook.

sometimes they suggest or ask if you know someone based on facts you have given them.  there was a woman i knew from a long time ago.

a girl.

from grade school.  i knew her from 1st grade to 11th grade.  i flipped through her photos and saw a photograph of her standing with another girl i knew from that same time period.  they had both grown up in our town, stayed, and married brothers.  they were "sisters" as well as sisters-in-law.

there were also photographs of them standing with their husbands.  and it hit me.

these two girls i had grown up with were family.  they had known each other for over 50 years.  friends.  family.  sisters.  they have roots in the town they grew up in.  homes.  lives.  everything so familiar.  so comforting.  home.

they were still home.  they had created their own homes at home.

they looked so happy.  of course i have no way of knowing if they truly are happy; if they have longings or wistful dreams of having done something else.  but in those one or two photographs i saw a sense of family and community and deep commitment to a place, land, people, town, to each other as a family that i have never known.

and it has brought me down.  i look at my life and do not see any security.  i had to move so many times for various reasons. 

me.  whose only childhood dream was of a forever home where i could be part of a church, a town, have lifelong neighbors and friends.  a little house where i lived and loved and raised my family.  a marriage where i was loved and loved. 

well, i got the love part right here at the end of my dragon's life.  such a brief time so late.  but i cherish it.  and i miss it.  i miss it so much that i ache.

i miss his holding me.  i miss his laugh.  i miss just knowing he is there.  because he's not there.

he was home.  no matter where we had to move, (and even in this marriage we had to move) i was home with him.

home.  it is such a strong word.

there is a back story to all this that i will never tell anyone.  it is a secret that haunts me and keeps me close to the darkness, too close.  things have happened to me throughout my life that i wish i could part with, share with someone; but i can't. 

home.  i wish he were here to hold me and make me feel like i was home.

i will work through this but that is all.  i am the creation; i am what is left due to all the things that have happened to me. 

i guess we all are.

Saturday, March 21, 2015


it's almost Easter.
my grief has been with me for 6 years now.
i don't know if i can call it grief.
i am not in deep grief.  it has been 6 years.
but i miss him and i call myself widow, not single.
i wear my wedding rings.
is what i feel grief? or have i moved on?
i haven't moved on from him but i have moved on with my life.
i'm not stagnant. i work.  i consider my needs.  i think about my family.
i make plans.  i hope for things like a nice vacation,
pain control of my foot and my arm.

but it is Spring.
it is Easter, almost.
it is a time to reflect and rejoice.
i have so much to be grateful for.

i have these guys.  my roomies.
i love my Carmen Sophia and Scootie Wootums.
we cuddle, walk, talk; we live together, truly live our lives.
we dance and laugh and watch tv. they wait for me when i am at work and rush home to them.

i love them so very much.

i have my son who is so wonderful.  i am so proud of him.
he has a great job and would do anything for me.
he helped me buy my car.  he got me my new fancy phone.
he calls me once or twice a week.
most of all that is so important to me,
he confides in me.  he tells me things.
he treats me like his mom and not his aging mother.
i love him so very much.

i have these two.  my daughter and grandson.
they bring such joy to my life.
my daughter and i talk 2 - 3 times a day during my work days.
on my days off, we talk more than that.
and i go see her and help her out.
we play with Finn.  we talk and talk as women will do.
she worries about me and i worry about her.
we are kindred spirits 
as well as mother and daughter.

and i have my Sanctuary.
a place of my own.
a place i have made my own.
a place i retreat to and feel safe.

i miss him.  i talk to him.  i talk about him.
am i still grieving?
i truly have no idea what to call it.
i know i have so much to be happy about.

do i wish he were here to be a part of it?
am i over his death?
i am over the fear and shock.
but i am not over him not being here.
do i deal with it in a healthy way.
i don't know what someone would call this, but this works for me.

i wish everyone a happy Spring.
i wish those who believe a happy Easter.

peace to all who read.  peace and light to all who grieve.

Monday, February 9, 2015

6 years

i am still grieving.

i have found my footing, i think.  i am living.  i work and visit my daughter and grandson.  i live with my dogs and take care of them.  i take care of me as best as i can.  but what is hidden behind a smile can be a terrible thing.

a widow i knew only online, and through fairly regular phone calls over these 6 years killed herself in January on her wedding anniversary.  her daughter called me.  it seems my friend apologized to me in her note for not being able to stay.  she left my phone number so i could be told in a quiet phone call on a random Wednesday while driving to work.

my heart is shattered.  new grief on top of old grief.  the loneliness of this journey just got lonelier.  and darker.  i wish she had called me.  i wish, i wish, i wish.  "if wishes were horses, then beggars could ride."

a widower i met once but have kept up with through Facebook has received some terrible news.  his new husband is critically ill.  no real way of knowing how it could go.

i have kept myself to myself today, the anniversary of my own husband's death, but i had to reach out to this man.  i wrote to him that i was keeping him in my prayers.  his response was one of great fear and worry; of trying to keep it in check.  new grief on top of old grief.

i wrote back to him and felt it appropriate to put here for myself, for him, for any of us who grieve.  this is what i wrote to him:

love never breaks. it breaks down. it cries. it even curses fate sometimes. but it never breaks.

i met you for a brief time. we only got the chance to sit and speak for a very, very short time, but i remember you. i remember feeling your soul in your words i got to see the real you looking into your eyes. in your voice was sorrow and grief but a strength i wish i had had so early on in my own grief. when your hand held mine for a quiet moment as i cried, i felt your own courage and the solitude that i had been living in slipped away, if only for that moment. you gave me a moment of comfort and it has lasted me these 6 long years.

i have been very much alone with my grief throughout but when i feel despair; when i feel the solitude crushing down; when it hits me very hard that i have no one to really talk to; i remember those few minutes with you.

you have inside you an old soul, but also the resiliency of a young one. you have the ability to keep the candle of hope lit on a very windy, stormy, dark night. cry when you have to. be angry and question when you need to. but know that breaking down is not breaking. it merely gives you the chance to catch your breath so you can stand up stronger to face whatever comes your way.

we draw on what little we get to keep ourselves going; to keep ourselves warm; to light the darkness.

6 years later i still break down. i still cry.  i still miss him.

i am still adjusting the way i think of things.  i think i always will.

i have been asked questions with a "do you" and "why."  here are my answers.

yes, i still wear my wedding rings.  because if feels right.  
no, the thought of someone else does not enter my mind.  because it does not feel right.

i will love him all the days of my life. 

peace to all who read.  peace and light to all who grieve.

Sunday, December 14, 2014

Christmas letters

my dearest Dragon,

it is Christmas time again.  this will be my 6th Christmas without you.  no one knows this; funny how people just assume it's "better," that it's all okay now, but it is still so very hard without you.

you loved Christmas.  it was your time to really settle back and reflect, enjoy, accept, and sigh with happiness that we were married, that you and i were us.  it was the closing of the year and you always looked to a brighter tomorrow.  always.  it was simply your nature.  and your gift to me.

what has changed since you've died?  my hair is more silver now.  i'm much thinner, by 45 pounds.  i'm overall healthier.  i do everything the doctor says with regards to my diabetes and blood pressure.  i do hurt a lot.  my knees, my feet, my hands.  also my right arm is pretty bad off but can't really do anything about it more than i am doing.  i cannot afford the time nor the financial obligation that would come with having the surgery so i live with the pain.  the pain is nothing compared to the pain of being without you.  {time has not diminished my memories of your laugh, your touch, your glance.}

i work very hard at a retail job.  it is demeaning at times and other times, it seems like i touch people's lives with a grace that feels nice to give.

i have a grandson that is the light of my life.  curious, joyful, innocent.  he is the best of all of us rolled into one small soul.  Christmas will be nicer with him here.  i wish you could be with us.  i know you already know him, probably met him up in Heaven right before he was born.  

our two rescue dogs, Carmen Sophia and Scootie Wootums are still with me.  we are besties.  they sleep on the bed with me.  they wait for me to come home from work.  we hang out.  i adore them.  they are my confidants, my roomies, my friends, my family as well.  and they are both getting older.  i see the slow fading starting with them.  it is going to devastate me when they pass.  i won't be able to handle it and yet somehow i will carry on but ..... such huge pieces of me are being taken.  all the "headstones along the way."

my "courage is lesser to do and dare."  i'm getting older.  creeping up on 6 years since you died in Feb. of 2009.  i don't feel as deeply as i used to but then i think maybe i feel too deeply and i cannot let it show.  i keep it hidden.  i find myself calming myself, telling myself to breathe.

i keep going. i simply keep going.  i do not want to die yet.  i want to see my grandson get older.  i want to see my son find a girl and get married.  i want to sit quiet and watch everyone.  i simply want to be a quiet part of it all.  take pictures.  smile.  keep it all inside.  cherish it.  so that maybe, just maybe, someone or something doesn't take anymore away from me.

merry Christmas, my love.  i am still married to you.  i have not taken off my rings.  i find i cannot.  i still adore you.  you still are, and ever will be, my magnificent Dragon.

your Bunny.


My lovely, soulful, gentle Bunny,

You are still my beautiful Bunny as much as I am still your Dragon.  I do watch over you every day.  I am the one who helps Carmen and Scootie still be able to leap up into bed beside you.  To keep you warm.  To keep you company.

Yes, I met our grandson.  He's just like you.  Everyone sees his mother in him, his great grandfather, but later on, when he's learned to talk, when he's older and interacts with his family and the world, they will all see that he is just like you.  He is gentle and an observer.  He will love animals and colors and see the world like you do; because he will look to you as much as he looks to his mother for this.  She is her mother's daughter and together, you and she will guide him and he will be a beautiful soul.  He will change the world one person at a time, just like you do.  You do not see how your kindness affects the people you meet through your job.

I wish I could be there to help ease your aches and pains.  I wish I could fix your arm.  I wish, oh how I wish I could be there with you.  But know that, as much as I can, I am with you.  You made it Christmas every day for me with your love.  

I am now and evermore your husband.  Remember my promise to you, my wedding vow?  It wasn't "till death do us part."  It was "until the sun grows cold and the stars grow old."  So look to the heavens.  The sun still burns hot and the stars are all still so very young.  You and I have Eternity.

~ Dragon