how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

the years not spent together

i miss him.
i don't know if other widows or widowers; others who have lost their mate, their partner, do this, but i see other couples and i feel a twinge of, not envy, but longing.
i miss him.
it doesn't happen often, but i sometimes see couples who are truly mated.  perfect partners in life.
there is an obvious bond between them and i know they are a match.
like he and i were.
and all the feelings come rushing back of what we had together and i ache with longing for him.
i want to talk to him again.
i want to hold his hand.
i want to go to the grocery store with him.
simple things.
the everyday things that make up a life with someone.

i miss the years i would have had with him.
i still love him actively.  not passively as in my life is going forward or whatever phrase people use for someone who is ready to go out and actively search for a new partner.
i cannot fathom someone else on our sofa.
i cannot fathom someone else making my tea.
i cannot fathom the touch of someone else when i can still feel his so strongly.
i am thinking that ours was a true love story.

 i am exhausted these days.
i am working very hard and not making ends meet.
gas prices are so very high and i have to drive so very far.
when i get there i am tense and stressed thinking about where my gas needle sits and when i will have to get more of this black gold.

and people who come into the store are, pardon the expression, batshit crazy.
the collection of humanity who walks through our doors are, for the most part, selfish, arrogant, self-serving, hostile, and do not hesitate to show you their bad side.
all of us who work there have our stories of being treated like non-human servants in bondage.
it truly is retail hell.
and the things i see....the way these people treat their children.  it is scary.  i don't believe they realize the impact of their words and actions on these children.

after a long day i....okay, hold that thought.  immediately upon arrival i want to turn around and go home.
i want to go back to my little apartment where my two dogs wait for me.
i want to go back to my life as a hermit.
 i had thought i was lonely and needed a friend.
what i needed was my life as a hermit.
i am not strong anymore.  and i also get so pissed and wish i could say something to someone who treats me like these customers do.
i want to stand on the counter and shout to the entire store:
"i am a human being with a past and a present and a future however small!
i have feelings just as you do!
i have wishes and hopes and i have value!
stop being so mean !!!"
but i don't.  and they continue being mean.
and i stand there and take it and wish i could go home.

making that long drive home i wish he was waiting there for me.
now that the weather is warmer, i keep the radio off and have the windows down so the rush of wind buffets my face.  i see the moon, the stars, the occasional moonlit cloud pass close to that silver disk and i sigh with want.  i love the moon.
it also makes me lonely.  when i talk to him, i will look at the moon.
when i talk to Him, to God, i also look at the moon, as if the moon represents all that i long for.
i long for my husband.  i long to know that i will go to Heaven when i die.
i want peace and quiet.  i want the stress to go away.
i want to feel safe.

but then i get home and they are waiting for me.
i could have been gone 5 minutes or 12 hours; their joy at seeing me never changes, never waivers.
i love my dogs as much as i love my children.
 they are my roommates and my friends,
my confidants and my father confessors.
 we wait together for the time when our little pack is reunited.

so you see, i'm not doing very well, i guess.
i'm the same.
the intensity of the pain is less but it is still there.
memories and longing have replaced it though and my memory is very good.
i feel it all deeply.
and i miss him.
the years we won't have together are no less not spent together.
he is here with me.
i carry him in my heart.

"i carry your heart with me {i carry it in my heart}
i am never without it {anywhere i go you go, my dear;
and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling}
i fear no fate {for you are my fate, my sweet}
i want no world {for beautiful, you are my world, my true}
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you.

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
{here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;
which grows higher than the soul can hope or the mind can hide}
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart {i carry it in my heart}"
~ e.e. cummings

so you see?  the years we do not have together are still years together.
i love him.  i do not want anyone else.
i have my tiny family.  my children, my grandchild, my dogs.
and i have him.
i carry him in my heart.