how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Friday, December 23, 2011

suicide and hope ~ opposites sides of the same coin

when i wrote my last posting, i was in shock. Christmas with my daughter is not exactly as i would like it, but there was another thing that happened that day. i received a phone call that morning from the son of a woman i have be building a friendship with.

she is close to me in age. 2 years older. she is widowed. 3 years in January. her children are grown. so are mine. i work a lot but we have been speaking, meeting every once in a while for lunch when i can pay for mine. she had been kind to me when i lost my Church widow friend to the sudden heart attack.

the phone call early Tuesday morning was to tell me that she had taken an overdose of sleeping pills and had passed quietly during the night. her son is devastated. so am i.

i knew she was hurting. so am i. i knew she was sad. so am i. i knew she was missing him terribly. i am missing my Dragon so very much. i did not know she was thinking of taking her life.

i do not know how i missed it. her son does not know how he missed it. i went to her wake last night and i came home and cried. i have mixed feelings about this and will need to work them through in my own heart before writing more. but i just wanted to at least tell someone this. people who may feel my shock and share my sorrow, pain, intense wonder at her decision, all the questions and thoughts that cross a person's mind when they learn that .....

someone took their life because they were too sad to live.

i am sad, but the intensity she felt is not something i share with my friend. i have awe-inspiring storms that rumble and blow through my life. i get scared. i get intimidated. i get upset. it never crosses my mind to give up on living. my Dragon would be hurt and angry and devastated that i could not live without him; that his love had not made me strong, but broken me down. my children would be destroyed.
and in thinking of my own children, i would never want them to give up on life simply because i had died. oh, God, it would break my heart to see them in such despair.

i am widowed. it is still my belief that i always will be widowed. i have no interest in dating or finding anyone. but having said that, i have not given up on myself. i am eating as best i can to take care of the diabetes and high blood pressure. since May 31st, i have lost 27 pounds.
i eat healthy, inexpensive but healthy, like my friend up there. {still can't believe i got that shot just off my Dragon's and my beach where we spent so much of our time.}

i still dream. my dreams are for a small little home. humble and safe with a little garden and fence for my scotties. i'd call it Scotland Yard. just little fantasies that keep my spirit humming along. day dreams that allow my soul to feel nurtured and to let my creativity run free.
i keep up with the people i have "met" here as part of this lonely journey. Dan, Boo, Deb, SSSF, Rose, Sandy, Judy, Suzann, Lys, etc. all of you are important to me. i have lost some along the way. women for whom i wasn't enough. women who have passed ~ my Church friend who died and now this lovely, lonely lady.

we have to stay together. we must keep up with each other. some of us are flying faster than others. some of us, like me, are lolly-gagging at the back soaking up the sun while we drift along on our own little breeze. not all of us grieve the same way at the same time. that is what makes us all so wonderful.
but we must be kind to each other. we must try to stay in touch, check in every once in a while. and if we feel that one of us is in despair, then maybe we can reach out.

my last conversation with my friend who committed suicide was this:

"Bunny, i feel so lost."

"me, too, but we can be lost together. i am hoping that maybe, one day soon, maybe after this holiday season, we can sort of find our way again. it's just temporary, this being lost. it's Christmas and we feel their absence. we'll hang on together. just call me whenever you want to talk."

but she didn't call. instead, she took pills and now her son has lost both his parents. i feel for him so much. at the wake he looked like a deer in the headlights. his fiancee was right beside him. helping him. being there with him. i know she and him together will get through this.

as for me, i have lost another friend.

but i have the few that are sticking by me. today i returned home from work to an email from Dan. he is a blessing. he sent me an email that helped me and lifted my soul. Christmas can be so hard when you want things you cannot have. people like Dan who look back over their shoulders to check on us little ones; the only words are blessed. i feel humbled and grateful to say i know him and he is my friend.

Dan, thank you for being there even though you had no idea about the sad thing that had happened this week.

suicide and hope are opposites sides of the same coin. something terrible has happened that has caused you to experience a grief so profound that death has crossed your mind. you think about the afterlife. you wonder what is out there. you wonder if it is better. you wonder if you can join someone who has gone before you, your child, your mate, someone so important to you that life here has lost its color. but there are still reasons to continue to live the life that has been gifted to you. there is hope. i will never flip that coin. i will always hold it in my hand and then lay it carefully down in the center of the table. the side that has HOPE etched in it will always be shining upwards.

i pray we all hang in there. we all have so much to be grateful for. we all have someone still here who needs us, who loves us, and who waits for us to come home.
i pray that the peace that can be found at Christmas finds you all. i pray for the hope that we all need to find within reach, is right there for us to hang onto. and i wish for friends and family to surround you, even if it can only on the phone.

we are loved. we are needed. we are important.

i love you, Dragon. i am living. i am remembering you with smiles and laughter. and i will always love you. Merry Christmas.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Christmas then and now

this story is told with old photographs. i cannot afford a camera. don't know when i'll be getting one to update you on my Bunny, on me. so i have gone back in and found old photos to explain what words cannot convey.this is me now. i am deflated. unstuffed as it were. i am a weary Bunny that life has and is kicking the stuffing out of.

this was Christmas before. i got to be with my children. in fact, that Santa is me. my children did not know it was me. i had a wonderful time. i used to love Christmas. i still do but it's more of a Whoville without the presents kind of feeling.
Christmas is sacred and i won't impose my beliefs on you.

Christmas now is like below. i get back from work and i am wiped out. yet i still have to get back up after a brief break and get to work. and now a phone call tonight just blew my Christmas apart again.
i do not know when i will ever get my son to come to me for Christmas. his father, and now this year his girlfriend, commandeer Christmas and i never get to be with him. years like this. years. i feel smaller and smaller each year. he admitted to me that he hates it being this way but he knows i love him and always will. he trusts me, he said, and hates hurting me but he knows i will never hold this against him. he goes with the person and to the person who can hurt him if he does not cooperate.

so the phone call tonight that has further taken Christmas away? my daughter and son-in-law have to go to his mother's for Christmas. my daughter had to tell her that i needed to be invited otherwise i would not get to see them at all. i would be alone on Christmas. so i was grudgingly invited.

i did not cry on the phone. my daughter wants to see me and i want to see her. my work schedule has been such that i have not gotten to see her in 2 weeks. so i am going in my own car so that when it gets too tense, i will leave. it is this other woman's house and she is very much Queen. it will be her family around and i quite simply will not exist.

one day a year. Christmas. and i put so much in store on it. and i keep bowing my head to make sure my children are not under any more pressure than they already are. but i am getting older. i feel older. i feel tired. i simply want one Christmas. just one. one more. that's all. one to remember forever. one where there is no pain, no pressure, no being so alone that i feel like the whole world died instead of just my husband who would do anything for me.

i just want one Christmas.

but i have my pack. a new Three Musketeers has evolved from the ashes.
Scootie Wootums, me, and Carmen Sophia. we are a pack. they love me. they trust me. i can be angry and they come to me. i can walk in the door deflated and beaten down in spirit, and they believe in me. i can be sick and they never leave my side. i see their loyalty. i watched them mourn, and still mourn, our Dragon. Scootie still goes to the closet to get his shoe to lay on the floor with his nose inside it. and Carmen puts her paw on it laying side-by-side. they miss him as i do. together in bed, they stretch out beside me so that, if i need to get up for a drink or to go to the rest room, they follow me. then we get snuggled back together. they are with me in this tiny place no matter what part of the apartment i go to. they lay on the bath mat when i take a shower.

they do not worry how they look or how they will be perceived. they mourn and they feel joy in the day. both emotions so close together. they are in touch with their feelings to a degree that we as humans fight against and probably shouldn't. they miss our Dragon but they are happy to be with me. their dejection when i have to leave for work breaks my heart. they seem to understand when i say, "i have tomorrow off!" they are thrilled. this is not appreciation for m as their caretaker. i truly believe they love me. me. me as i am. me. imperfections and all. me. tired and broken and deflated,

and unstuffed. they love me. and i love them.

and we love Dragon who is not here.
maybe i don't get to have Christmas because i am not really home. i haven't been home in years. i am not where i should be. i am not a family. well, i am a family of 1, or 3 if you let me count my dogs.

but my children have other people in their lives they have to appease. it just seems a shame that these people have to BE appeased.

it is my gift to them to not demand to be appeased. i have no hoops for them to jump through. i do not snap my fingers. i love my children and just want to be with them when they are free to be with me.

but i wonder where home is? Dragon? will home one day be with you? or will i be lost to the darkness still? will i be doomed to forever roam, never having a true home? will i ever feel safe and at peace? at least i know one thing for sure. Scootie Wootums and Carmen Sophia will probably wait for me and follow me into the dark, or the light, or whatever waits a deflated, unstuffed, unimportant Bunny like me.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

being Bunny

when i sit and ponder my life, assess my character and/or lack of character, i truly see myself as i am. i have no illusions that i am this cool person that people love to know. i have no bag of tricks or endearing quality that keeps people close to me. what i do have is the ability to read people and adapt myself into being what they want and need of me at that time. what i do have is a wicked sense of humor that i seldom share because, as my Dragon once told me when i asked him, "you are razor sharp and your wit is dry. i love it, but then i survived Marine boot camp. i love a woman i have to run to keep up with. lots of big words, babe. very sexy. now let's get those clothes off and you can use those big words on me."

i carry a lot of baggage; i admit that. growing up deathly afraid of my mother, becoming afraid of my first husband, being the way i am {being born a Bunny of a person} and living a life of emotional poverty, and now financial poverty, has weighed on me. it makes a person a little more fragile. it also turns them into survivors grateful for any minute blessing. i found the love of my own person infinity so late. then seeing him die, working on him to get him to breathe, then seeing that spark that made him my love, that light in his eyes, the recognition of this world fade away; it ripped me apart. so yes, i carry a lot of things within my soul.

when i was a little girl, i dreamed of where i would live and how life would be. my dreams were fanciful to say the least.
yeah, my place was the stuff of childish wishes and fairy dust and warm starry night skies.

as i got older, i dreamed of living in an old home, saving it, and filling it with equally old things. not expensive treasures but with things tossed aside, comfortable things, and things that i had made like stained glass. i'd have a lot of wood in my home and a big stone fireplace. it was representative of my feeling unsafe and desperately needing a sanctuary to retreat to. i need warmth and space to be myself without fearing abuse in whatever form it took.
what i got was what some call a "character building" life. i learned things i never wanted to learn, things i pray my children never learn about. i learned to adapt, and to survive. but i lost so much along the way. i lost things. i lost a lot of myself. sacrifices i was willing to make for the greater good.

i lost a little dog that meant a great deal to me. DudleyLove. that's him below. i recently found all my photos of him. he was my shadow for so long. lost his ear to the cancer that finally took him from me. i laid on the floor with him his final night on this earth. the next morning, i laid on the floor at the vet's for his final breaths. it damn near killed me.
and then i lost my beloved Dragon. and i did die that night. a part of me is gone. i am not the same person at all and by that i mean i am not the person i started out to be, nor am i the person i became because of my mother, or because of Voldemort {first husband}. nor did i get the time to become the woman i was being allowed to become because of my Dragon's love. i am, once again, so very different. i wonder sometimes if God would recognize me as the child he sent to earth almost 54 years ago. but then, He's been with me every step of the way so i guess that question is moot.

i miss my Dragon. i miss missing him more than i do right now. i used to miss him more but time is taking care of the intensity. now, i simply ache for him.

i work at the Bear. i am Bunny both here and there. oh, my gosh, i'll have to turn that into a poem later on. but for now, just know that i am doing okay. {no, Bunny, it's not arrogant to say}...i am doing well at the Bear. i can connect with people. i have made a lasting impression on some who come back to see me often.

but i miss him. and i sometimes still cry. like last night. needed him so badly, but all i had was my pillow with his photo silk screened on it. so i talked to the darkness and cried for him.
but today went better. my daughter came up and helped me with some problems. see, it's been a rough almost 2 weeks. rent increase notice came and since the apartments were bought out by a big corporation, there is nothing the front office can do. but it's only a $27 increase. crap. but they are going to fix all the little problems with my apartment now. yea! and i had an issue with Time Warner Cable but my daughter took care of that. i am now paying less for my cable than i ever have before. she was awesome.

i worry about the VA dumping me because they will think i make too much money at the Bear which does not cover rent, and it's not like i shop at all for anything other than food and sewing supplies, but i do worry they will applaud my work ethic and say, "so long." so then, as my daughter says, her brother will be there for me. she said, and i quote, "you are safe, mom. you were always there, every day, for us. you still are. and now it's our turn to be there for you. it's not like you gave up on life. you work hard at the store and at your sewing business. we're here to do whatever it takes to keep you safe. just breathe."

and so that's what i am going to be doing this Christmas season, and after. during my birthday and his upcoming anniversary, the one where his soul left mine behind. i will also breathe through Valentine's Day, the anniversary of his funeral. and i will keep that as my mantra now. "just breathe." "just breathe."

and i think my Dragon will understand that i cannot cry every single day, but i do miss him every single moment of every single day. i am not ready to "move on," or "get a life." besides, i think i actually have a life. i work, i sew, i take care of myself and my little dogs. i help people. i write, i still dream. yeah, big accomplishment that one is: i still dream. my life is simply one where, if i may personify grief, i have accepted grief as a lasting companion and feel it is grieving along with me.

i will always want my Dragon. i have met men at the store. no one has risen me from the dead yet. no one, no matter how cool or unique in their own way, will match my Dragon. i am not feeling it.

and i know what you're going to say to me so don't. let me quantify my remarks with this. you do not know my Dragon and all we had between us. i will never tell you all the private stuff. you do not know our love and our life together. he was so incredible a person that even if we had only been friends, i would have been in awe of him. i used to tell him he was the guy every guy thought he was after 3 drinks. so let that one go. to me, my Dragon was and is the end-all/be-all. 'nuff said. {besides, i cannot be the only one who raises their spouses up to lofty pedestals. we all know what we had. leave us to our glorious memories.}
so i am going to "just breathe" my way along this life. i am humbly grateful for anything i get and everything i have. i mean, after all, how many people get to BE Bunny?

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

winter feelings

the song that starts off this blog is not one that particularly relates to my grief. i just like it. that's what music is for.

i miss my camera. Bunny is looking pretty cute these days with some Christmas clothes i made her but i have no way of showing you.

people are so strange at work. they are either decent and fun or they are obnoxious and greedy and arrogant. there is no in-between. i was doing a heart ceremony for a little girl when a man in his 60's, very well-dressed, put his arrogant, self-entitled hand between my face and the face of the child i was helping and snapped his arrogant, self-entitled fingers. his words to me?

"get up and come help me, NOW." yes, emphasis on the "now."

i patiently told him i would be right with him. his "BITCH!" echoed through the store as he left in a huff. my manager patted me on the back later and said i had done the right thing. you don't abandon a child mid-heart ceremony.

a child came up to me and demanded i stuff her bear. her mother apologized for her attitude. i was patient. {i am always patient.} when it came time for the heart, she reached in the bin with both hands and grabbed so many little satin hearts that quite a few fell to the floor. her mother was horrified and told her to put them all back and take only one. i encouraged her to take only one by saying that there were so many other children who will be coming and will want hearts in their bears.

"i don't care about them. they can go suck it." {she was 10. this child was 10 years old.}

her mother gasped. "if you continue to talk like that i'm not getting the bear."

"yes, you are. you always get me what i want."

and sadly, the little girl got the bear, clothes, underbears - underwear for bears, shoes, purse, a $38 pink wardrobe for the clothes, a little bear cell phone, and a backpack like i carry Bunny in.

but the bear only got one heart.

i told her she could only put one heart in the bear. i held the bear, looking at her, and speaking in a low tone. i simply said, "i need you to put back every single heart, taking only one for your bear. this is a day, just a day when your mom decided to do something nice for you. and the bear? she's not greedy. she only wants one heart. please, put them all back and just pick out one for her. that's all she wants. one heart. one little girl to take care of her."

one heart in the bear. one small conversation in a gentle voice. but the rest of the time there, the little girl was tragically greedy.

and then there was the little girl who was home "visiting" from St. Jude's Children's Hospital where she's being treated for a brain tumor. she came home to "visit" because her mother is dying of her own form of cancer and won't make it to Christmas. the family brought them in for Bunny to help them make bears. the mother put her voice on a Build-A-Sound so the little girl can take it back to St. Jude's with her. the little girl put her voice on a Build-A-Sound so her mother will have it.

and yes, i was excused for a break after they all left the store so i could go to the back room and let go a little bit, and then compose myself to get back out there.

i miss my Dragon. i miss telling him about my day. i miss his holding me and feeling his warmth.

Christmas is coming and i wish he were here.

a police officer who is assigned to the area comes to the Mall a lot to do his beat; to do a walk through. the Mall is part of his assignment. i have gotten to know him. he is my age and will retire in 2 more years he says. he found out i was a widow. he has asked me to lunch.

and i told him, "no. i'm sorry. i hope our conversations did not mislead you. but going out to lunch with you would be unfair to you. i am still in love with my husband. i'm not ready for anything beyond friendship."

he was very gracious. he told me i had not mislead him at all. he knows i wear my wedding rings. he had just asked one of the other girls because he has never seen my husband come to pick me up or even visit me during work. he had just wondered and then had become interested in me. "i see you with the customers. you're so sweet. and i see how the kids love you. i was drawn to that. and any woman who can wear a bunny on her back and carry if off like you do is worth knowing. we'll be friends. how about that?"

i agreed and we shook on it.

a few days later he brought me a slip of paper that had a quote on it he had found.

it said, "we need time to miss the people and the things we lose no matter whether the loss is temporary or permanent." this quote comes from one of my favorite people. Mister Rogers.

it was cold when he had to leave me. he went where i cannot yet go. it is getting colder again. Christmas is coming. New Year's. my birthday. then his anniversary. his. just his. the anniversary of his having to leave me.

December, January, February. one-quarter of a year to get through. me and Bunny. we'll get by.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

i am at a loss.....

disclaimer: after i wrote all this down, i came back up here to write this. it is my disclaimer though not really a disclaimer as per the definition. i just wanted to say that i am fragile these days and if you feel moved to comment, please, please be nice. i would say be kind but sometimes kindness takes the form of censorship, criticism, you know that whole "cruel to be kind" thing. so don't be kind. be nice, because, as the expression goes, "i'm lower than a snake's belly in a wagon rut."

i have all these ideas in swirling around in my head. creative ideas for sewing, writing, and yeah, sadly, photography. i have no time to do them. and right now, i have no camera.

i am at a loss as to what i am feeling. i do not know if anyone else out there is feeling or has felt this way. i will try to describe it, but forgive me if i cannot.

i feel at loose ends. for one thing, i have not been back to Church since the funeral Mass. and i am upset with myself. but i wake up Sunday mornings exhausted. right now i am fighting a bad head cold. i told myself this morning that i needed the sleep. but what about ...... you know, the religious stuff? after the life that i've had, the last thing i want to do is make God angry and watch Him give up on me. i don't want to go to Hell.

but i wish i could sleep all the time again. i need to work more here at the apartment but, God forgive me, i just want to curl up and sleep. i want to daydream, imagine i am with him again, and that our life is the one we dreamed of. i pull in and cuddle with the dogs and drink hot tea and just let myself go.

nothing appeals to me. food doesn't taste good. movies suck. books aren't holding my interest. i hurt all over. my foot is killing me. my knees hurt and crack and pop. my back and shoulders and neck ache. i want to save up for a massage but it would only be a one-time thing and, irrationally, i don't want to treat myself to something i can only have maybe once a year. i don't want to know how good it could feel and then walk out knowing i can't have it again until whenever i can afford it.

there are things i need like an eye exam and new glasses. i need a new split for my cracked bone foot. i need some labs done at the doctor's office. the time for script renewals will be approaching after the first of the year.

then there are the things i just want. silly things. ridiculous things. there is this pair of gloves i want. i want a new camera. i want this ring i saw that has two hearts and i could get mine and my Dragon's names engraved on the inside. see what i mean? stupid stuff and yet i tear the pages out of catalogs and magazines and tape them to the frig. i think, i'll save up. but crap, i need the glasses first, the lab work done, the doctor bill paid when i need the scripts. i'll need to renew my license plates tags thingys. money money money for things that suck. well, not suck but that aren't fun.

i want to go shopping. just shop a little. nothing wild and extravagant. i just want a little wiggle room for once. i will never get there no matter how hard i work.

i'm selling my Rudolph Build-A-Bear. this woman who is a frequent customer of mine came in looking for him. we're sold out. she was sad. she has Clarice but not Rudolph. she wants the set. all of a sudden i heard this person saying, "i have Rudolph. he even has the beautiful red velvet stable blanket. i'll sell him to you." that someone was me. i couldn't believe i said it but it was too late. the look of joy in her eyes......i have to sell my Rudolph to her.

and i mean of course i will. she needs it more than i do. i can't afford Clarice, too, and they are cute as a set. this woman has money. i'm sure she has a lovely home and a big Christmas tree to put them under. she deserves Rudolph more than i do. i gave her the price i paid for it. she's bringing the money next Friday to work. so i have my Rudolph sitting beside me wherever i am at the apartment until then, just spending time with him before he goes away.

stupid stuff like that makes me cry. i really like him. but $30 is $30. it's okay. time numbs pain, right? well, not all pain.

i miss my husband. i feel like he's fading from me. i sit and try to imagine feeling him near, or hearing his voice, remembering his mannerisms. it makes me cry because sometimes it is hard to do. and then i wonder if i am going insane because i'm really not supposed to be sitting there focusing on him like that. he's dead. i'm supposed to be living. but i'm so empty inside.

and when i'm not empty inside, i hurt. like over the camera, those gloves, Rudolph. see, the thing is this. i did without so much all my life but it never mattered before. with Voldemort, it was all about keeping the children safe and unaware of how bad bad was. then with my Dragon, sacrifices were easier. i had him. now that i am alone.........those gloves are really pretty. that ring is gorgeous. but i don't need another ring and the dollar store has gloves.

life is just not working out for me, or i am not being good girl and accepting my fate.

i feel out of sorts.

i am not sure how to make this work other than keep my head down and don't do anything stupid with my money or my time. i need to work every minute of every day or .........

or what? the time police will come and get me?

i feel like if i work constantly, maybe nothing terrible will happen to me. or if it does, i will know it wasn't my fault. if i stay quiet, work hard at all 3 jobs, take in as many hours as i can, save and never have fun, possibly i won't get into trouble anymore and no one will be mad at me. if i mostly keep my thoughts to myself, no one will criticize me. ridiculous thought since there will always be people who actively pursue criticizing others no matter what. they can't stop themselves.

case in point, i got screamed at by a woman at 6 AM on Black Friday because she misread her coupon and the items she wanted weren't free. extreme couponing gone wrong. a mall security guard walking by heard her and came into the store. my manager and i were standing there explaining why we could not let her walk out of the store. she had the items in her purse and we were not letting her leave. $11.73 that's all she needed to pay. but she refused claiming, in her mind, the coupon was written wrong. this woman claimed she had but out shopping since 10 PM Thursday night and this was her last stop. she had paid nothing in all that time and she wasn't going to pay for these bears. the security guard ended up calling for backup and took her into custody. we got our bears back. as she was dragged from the store she blamed me. "you fucking c*nt! why did you read the coupon? it would have all worked out! you're sending a mother to jail!" my manager was grateful. the DM stopped by and thanked me. i smiled and nodded and kept working. but i felt terrible. i prevented a theft of the store but i still felt ragged and raw.

i don't know where i am anymore. i cannot seem to let go of that woman's criticism.....that i'm not grieving. i go over it in my mind. she reminds me of my mother. my mother would do that to me. i would say i feel ill, she would say, "you're fine." i would have a fever. she'd send me to school. the school would send me home. she would say they were being too easy on me, that i had faked it. vomiting in the toilet, she would stand over me and say, "get it out and then i'm sending you back to school. you're just pretending to be sick. you're doing this to me on purpose." there were times when the nurse would just let me stay in her office so that i could rest.

i would clean my room, help with supper, take care of the dog, take out the trash, and all the myriad of other chores i had. if she found a chore i had not had time to do, like run the vacuum yet, she would accuse me of not loving her. "you're ungrateful and thankless and ugly on the inside. sure, do the fun jobs first. you're out of time now. go to your room."

she said i have issues. yeah, i do. health. financial. emotional. i've hit the trifecta of anguish.

am i grieving or am i being a child about this? is life too hard for me, or am i being too weak?

grief is defined as deep mental anguish. i think i am grieving. yes, i have issues, but i am also grieving the death of my husband who loved me. he loved me and there was power in that that overcame health issues, financial issues, and emotional issues. the dark wasn't so dark if he was there with me. it was warm and fairly safe, and i could close my eyes and feel his arms around me. i could talk to him and he never ever criticized. he loved my mind, my thoughts. he loved my words. he loved my touch. he thought my hair felt soft. he loved my dimples. he loved my eyes. he said my eyes held deep thoughts.

i write all the time about how much i love him. let me write this. he loved me back.

i am staring down the barrel of Christmas, the New Year, my birthday, then......

3 years without him.

i am at a loss........

i have no camera to take a photo of Bunny to show you how much of a loss i am at, or where that is, or what it looks like.

these tears i am shedding tonight for all i want and cannot have, for all i lost and want back, for him to hold me and make me feel alive again show that i still grieve.

if you feel comfortable responding, does anyone out there feel at a loss, still, at times? maybe it's the accumulation at present of so many little things going wrong. maybe it's the accompanying head cold. but i am at a loss at present.

not a moment goes by that i do not think about you, my handsome, beautiful Dragon.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Turkey Day 2011 ~ when everything goes wrong

she looks pretty up there, in her store-bought fancy dress and shoes. but that's it for a while. no more photos.

it's been a tough week.

first, my hair dryer died. then my heater died. then my vacuum burned out a belt. hair dryer? my daughter gave me hers. she doesn't use it. heater? can't afford another one. vacuum belt? gonna pick one up Monday.

as for a new camera? can't afford it at this time. no more photos. no more fun. no more escape for me for a while. i am very sad over this. it is just one thing, one little thing that is sort of too much.

i have been doing a lot of thinking of late. gauging how i am doing on this road that my Dragon's death has put me on. i cannot measure my own journey against anyone else's. not going to be dating. not even considering it. money is so tight; very hand-to-mouth. so many little things going wrong. money out the door that i cannot afford to spend. i had to buy a new starter for my car, Midnight. had to. need the car. i cried all night long over that one. i had thought that my own personal apocalypse with Dragon's death that life's little troubles wouldn't be a problem. but that's not true. all this has brought me down. made me feel like i have done something wrong that made these little appliances break. didn't do a good job of taking care of them.

and now my camera is forever broken. my heart hurts over this. i love taking photos of Bunny. she conveys with her poses when words fail. i feel lost.

i miss him. but i keep remembering that woman saying to me: missing him is NOT grieving.

but it feels like it; the depth that i miss him. it feels like grieving. i cry. i sigh so heavily. my want of him is so great, to have him here to talk to, to have him present in my apartment, my life; to have him waiting for me when i get back from work.

i have so many of my things back and i know how blessed i am. i do feel like i am at home and yet, this is not home. i am struggling with finding my footing. i am slow to find my way. i do not feel safe. i know my children would move Heaven and Earth to make me safe, but for some reason, i wait too long to ask. i get ashamed that i cannot make my money stretch when it is just me all by myself. but it's retail. i make so very little hourly.

this week for example. i ran out of food. i was down to bread and cheese. grilled cheese every day. one can of tuna fish that i saved for our big Wednesday before Thanksgiving for lunch at work that i ate with a fork because i ran out of bread finally. i brought food back with me from my Thanksgiving meal with my daughter. i got my paycheck Wednesday in direct deposit. making my grocery list tonight. have to be at work at 5 AM in the morning, but that means i will be out in the middle of the afternoon. i can go to the grocery store.

but i got hungry, and too low. and i got sick frequently. kept it to myself. shaky. with having to buy the starter for my car, i had nothing left over for enough food. and i think that is where i differ from some widows. i don't have enough money to survive sometimes. it is always there in front of me and it makes missing him that much harder. he always told me, "everything's going to be alright." i say it to myself, but i don't believe me sometimes.

heavy mottos i keep in my head: "be frugal." "you don't need that." "balance that account to see what is left." "don't make a move." "grit your teeth and hang on a 8 more days, until payday."

i am always eeking by by the skin of my teeth. hanging on with my bloody fingernails is a more colorful expression. but i do hang on. my Dragon would be proud of me. stiff upper lip. no one knows at work really how very hard my day-to-day life is. they do not know about this blog. and i only tell you here now because......

because i have no one else to tell. i want my children to breathe and sleep untroubled.

i will wait until it is life or death.

and the way my life has gone, that might be just around the corner. that's a terrible thing to say. see? that's how much i miss my camera. i am a little bit heartsick.

but i am grateful for what i have accomplished at work. i am so grateful to have my things back and i still weep with humble gratitude. i adore my children. i love my dogs. i like my job very much. and i got a raise. yes, Bunny was good enough to warrant a little raise.

hopefully she'll be able to save some money. maybe she'll ask Santa for a new camera.

you never can tell when the eye of the storm might pass over you and the sun come out for a short while.

keep hanging on, Bunny. remember, Dragon loves you. he didn't want to go.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

to grieve or not to grieve

Bunny had herself a little debate over on Dan's blog. sort of stepped in it if you'll pardon the expression, but someone commented that there is no such thing as grief sometimes being a whole life long journey. she said we are not grieving after 6 to 15 months. anything beyond that and there are other issues not relating to the death and/or depression.

she was very adamant that newbies should not be mislead or frightened that they will feel this way for a long time. she claims she most definitely over her grief. she does not grieve for her deceased husband any longer and is happily remarried. he has been gone for 6 years. she has been remarried for over 4 of those years. she misses him but it's not grief. she said that with Dan being in a new relationship, he was no longer grieving and he needed to understand that and use the correct words. she stated that falling in love again, there are circumstances that need to be reconciled but that none of them involve grief. one of her final arguments was that, and i can only extrapolate she meant Dan words and my own comments, only presenting what she felt was a limited viewpoint was not helpful to newbies. newbies need their own kind who are right there along with them timewise with only a small pep talk here and there from those who have, i guess, been successfully finished with their grief as role models of what to aspire to.

i must be honest and admit it bothered me a little bit. she seemed rigid in her point of view. she put all her psychological eggs in one basket and the human condition seemed restricted to that one point of view. 6 - 15 months and then you are okay. George Bonanno's book "The Other Side of Sadness" was her gospel. i've read it. i wasn't impressed.

in a nutshell Bonano says we are hardwired to deal with loss and death. we are resilient and can bounce back quickly. he claims he has talked to hundreds of widows and widowers, parents whose children have died, etc. he believes grief has been misinterpreted.

i have not talked to hundreds. but i do know a handful who use the word grief to explain what they feel. they have used it beyond the 15 month finish line arbitrarily set out there. my friend whose funeral i attended last week used it at 21 years out. a gentleman who "grieved" for 35 years used it. no one corrected him or medicated him. it was acknowledged and accepted that what he felt was grief for his dead wife all his life.

i have been thinking of all of this as i sewed today. i had the day off from the Bear store and have been frantically sewing on a quilt i am crossing my fingers i finish in time for Christmas. a lot of work this one. but i think while i sew and now i have to take a break and eat something. and i thought i would talk to myself, and to you, dear reader, to see if i am wrong. maybe what i feel is not grief.

let me just bullet some simple facts.

* i still cry over him.
* i work successfully outside of my sewing here at the apartment.
* i ache sometimes with wanting him back.
* i laugh.
* i think about where he is and if he is safe in Heaven.
* i also worry that there might not really be a Heaven and like one of those episodes of "Ghost Hunters" he is stuck at the hospital or the room where he died.
* i tell jokes and interact. i am considered very witty where i work.
* i am not depressed, but i do feel sadness that all my dreams died with him.
* i smile and tease the people i work with, our guests, and am the main Party Bear at the store because i am so energetic and relate well to all age groups.
* i worry that i will not find him when i die.
* i sew for Bunny so that she looks pretty for work and for the photos i use here and on Facebook.
* i wish i had him to talk to and hold my hand and see him smile at me "that way" that made me tingle all over.
* i have no one single desire to have sex, meet anyone new, put myself out there; at least not yet. maybe never. i have no clue. but right now, i still wear my rings and strangers believe i am married.
* in my heart i feel i am grieving; the old fashioned kind that i grew up with.
* i no longer cry in public.

so am i grieving or am i finished with it and don't realize it? that was one of that woman's statements. i don't realize i am over my grief. i did feel insulted that she thinks i might not know my own heart and feelings. i was insulted that the words i personally choose are now considered wrong by "experts."

i stood my ground in the comment section of Dan's blog. i feel that we should be allowed to express ourselves as we see fit. language is so important. it is how we connect with each other.

her worry about newbies getting only one point of view seems misguided. she is presenting her point of view as the only correct one. kind of scary if you're a newbie {i hate that word} who feels like i did back then. {yes, i have re-read my blog from back then and really, only the intensity of the pain has lessened, but not my beliefs.} besides, of course newbies {still hating that word}, anyone, who reads blogs and books and listens to widow(er)s talk are getting only one side of the story. they are getting that writer's point of view. that's why libraries have so many different books. that's why there are a multitude of blogs out there. that's the beauty of differing points of view. but telling someone that they are absolutely wrong in what they feel and the words they choose to express those feelings is, at best, unkind.

i'm thinking: pick the ones that agree with your morals, your feelings, and your thoughts. pick and read and cleave to the ideas and concepts that bring you comfort and don't read the ones that don't. but do not negate what someone feels. do not condemn or criticize the words someone uses to describe their personal experience. grief is such a personal journey. it may last a week, 6 months, 15 months, or 35 years. but i do not believe anyone has the right to say, "this is the only way to grieve." or to say, "you are not grieving; you are done with it."

no one has the right to speak to someone else and use such absolutes.

'nuff said. if you wish to comment, feel free, but pretty please do so with respect. Bunny is very nervous about putting her thoughts out there. so many do criticize without realizing how much words can hurt.

and now, Bunny is going to make breakfast tacos for her supper, pull her piano shawl up around her fuzzy chin and watch some tv while she eats. then it's back to sewing.

sew, Bunny, sew. and grieve the way that feels comfortable to you.

Monday, November 7, 2011

obituary

last summer i met a woman at the Church i attend. she was sitting behind me and when we made the sign of peace, i turned to extend my hand. she shook mine with both of hers. after Mass, she and i walked out together. we stood together for a moment talking and then she said, "you're a widow. so am i, 21 years."

i said, "yes, i am, 2 years 5 months."

her smile was soft. she reached out for my hand and squeezed it. "you're so early into it. would you like to go down the street to {a little restaurant} for some breakfast?"

i have been very lonely and was happy with the idea. this started a Sunday morning routine that i looked forward to all these many weeks. i told her i was 52. she told me her age: 72. she talked to me, answering questions, sharing her story while i shared mine. we had moments where we'd cry together. she was different than a friend, more like a mother whose world knowledge exceeded mine. she guided me and helped me feel a little bit okay with where i am in my grief.

she confessed that she was still grieving. after 21 years, she still had "bad days." she said she had never been to a grief counselor, that it wasn't done back in her day. you simply were expected to accept graciously, friends would rally around you for a few weeks, but then you were left to your own counsel. she said that my lack of "fence neighbors" as she called them, and being left on my own so much made us kindred spirits.

she gave me a suggestion. at 5 years out she said she had still be "suffering," as she put it; much like i have been writing of lately. she said she sat down and wrote her own obituary. she put in it all the things she had "died" of. she said it helped her clarify what her fears were, her worries, and her sorrows so she could address them individually.

so i wrote my own obituary. she liked mine and said it was poetic.

i think i am ready to share this with anyone who might still be out there reading.

Beach Bunny, little known artist and bear builder, died last night from complications of losing her soul mate, her Dragon. she was 53 years old. soft-spoken and gentle of nature, Bunny had never been the type to go down without a struggle, but in the final days of her life, she revealed an unknown side of her psyche. this hidden, fragile side to her personality came to light as a result of blow after blow from life; medical, physical, emotional, and spiritual. sadly, it all became too much for her.

her awareness of the futility of her attempts at finding any kind of a safe life after the death of her husband forced her to her knees, awash in tears. she had fought all her life against those who would crush her. all through the years of her life she had secretly clung to the belief that sometimes life saves the best until last. when she met her Dragon, all her dreams had come true, but, alas, not for long.

her time with her Dragon was all too short and he was taken from her even as she struggled to save him. in her mind, she had failed him. in her heart, she had let him die because she was too stupid to save him. this was a belief she held even all through the final moments of her death. with the heavy blows that continued to hit her after his death, her mind, heart, and spirit continued to suffer. a few days ago, one last blow came and she realized that she may never achieve any kind of peaceful co-existence with life. she was knocked to her knees, then knocked further down into the dirt. she did not have the reserves of strength to rise again. she lay there and, ultimately, the worry and stress took her last breath as its own.

as expected, no one was present to witness the passing of this gentle little spirit.

Bunny will be missed by only a very few. it is not believed that anyone will even remark upon the passing of this little soul who lived in obscurity, who tried hard to continue on in the absence of her beloved Dragon. one has to wonder what the purpose of so quiet a life; what reason there was for her being born? she suffered at the hands of so many who were supposed to love her: mother, father, brother, first husband.... violence, deaths that left unresolved issues, unanswered questions, cruelty, lies, abuse, abandonment; it created more weight that settle upon Bunny's soft little shoulders. it was a whole world of weight that finally became more than she could carry.
she staggered under the burden, fell, and could not rise. there is always a last straw, a final blow, and it came to Bunny. there was no one nearby to help her.

what epitaph can we put on little Bunny's grave? "the deeper the sorrow, the less tongue it hath." Beach Bunny has stopped talking now.

these are all things i am going to be addressing as my life continues.


i went to Mass Sunday morning. the Priest was waiting for me. he pulled me aside and told me that the widow i spent my Sunday mornings with died Saturday night of a sudden heart attack ~ just like my Dragon.

i am going to her funeral Mass tomorrow.

what obituary would i write for her?

a small, elderly woman who lived a small life made an enormous impact on a shabby little widow Bunny. two widows who had a brief time to spend together, got the chance to not be so lonely. this elderly widow took Bunny under her wing and showed her that it was alright to grieve. she told Bunny that pain is not something to be fought against, but to let its current carry you however far it will. it is something to be learned from. this elderly widow told Bunny that "grief is a grace if one looks deep into it." this great and tiny widow embraced another widow and shared her wisdom. the pew where two widows passed a Sunday morning Mass together will now seat one solitary widow again. the memory of the other widow will be greatly honored. the loss of her is staggering and will be felt forever.

Sunday before last, as we parted in the parking lot of the restaurant down from our Church, she reached out to me and held my hands together in each one of hers and said to me: "you have made me so happy. you are such a giving person. you have listened to me as no one has since my husband died. and you let me hold your hands. no one touches widows, not enough anyway. i like that you let me hold your hands. i have been so very lonely for company and God gave me you. thank you. Bless you. see you next, Sunday."

i wish to say: no, Bless you. and God keep you close. may you already be in your husband's arms again never to part. thank you for the brief time i got to have with you. i will remember all you taught me. i will look for you in the sunlight when it shines through the stained glass windows.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

November

it is November. i worked late last night, just me and the manager, getting the store set with all the marketing strategies and merchandize for the coming of Christmas.

Veteran's Weekend is coming. the man who was my husband's spotter has been dead now for almost 11 months. he had kept the stories alive for me, knowing how much i needed them. i find that staring at the closing of the year is maybe one of the reasons i am low. it has been so long since i had anyone to talk to that really knew that side of my Dragon, the Marine Force Recon side of him, the side that was his hero side. and with the death of someone i had leaned on so much for their stories, i realize i will never have any fresh retellings, any little tales i haven't yet heard, ever again.

so while i am still down, suffering the same thoughts and feelings i have been writing about, i have come to realize that redundancy is boring for everyone but the sufferer so with that in mind.............





whose the pretty turkey?
creativity keeps me going. it is my own solitary grief therapy.

i love you, Dragon. i miss you.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

embroidery / Memory Quilts

Bunny has been so low, oh, so very low of late. worries. stress. pain. but still she lingers in this life. there is still stuff for her to do.

wisdom to impart? oh, pul-eeze. no wisdom from Bunny. Bunny just does what Bunny can. she works to live and yes, lives to work. it is all she has.
look at that soft, wistful little face? she has off today. it is good because she rests her foot up high on a Cushiony Soft Cushion of Restful Bliss. she has lingered in her 'jammies and is being, oh, so creative.

glimpses of the Memory Quilt she has been working on.
Eiffel Tower and Matterhorn and a snowboard embroidered on the quilt. lots and lots of colors and stitches.

this is the snow board Bunny embroidered that exactly matches the photograph sent to her to match. she worked so hard on this.

she also created a little ocean/island scene that she is very proud of. tons of floss. thousands of stitches. tricky fabric.

today she is working on the Porsche emblem. there is going to be the little Porsche horse in the center. Bunny is all propped up working; just working away.

she miss him, you know. she pines for her Dragon. nights are still so very hard. days at the store take her mind from her grief, but sitting there sewing, Bunny's fuzzy little mind has time to miss him. her foot aches with this sudden cold snap. owie ouch ouch. if Dragon were here, he'd tenderly rub her foot. he would stroke her soft fuzzy fur and take her into his arms and tell her this: "we'll get it fixed. i love you. you're brave, so brave. i'll find the money. we'll work it out."

so Bunny tells herself this: "he loves you still. you'll be getting, oh, so many hours as the holidays approach. you'll get on the insurance in 6 more months. just 6 more months and then you can get it fixed. he is so proud of you. he thinks you are oh, so brave. keep going. keep working. cry if you must. be patient with yourself......

because......

he loves you still."

Saturday, October 15, 2011

*waves at the world* "i am still here...."

i'm still here.

i ordered the book recommended to me: Diary: Divine Mercy in My Soul by Saint Faustina. i look so very forward to spending time with that book. i need someone to speak to me while i am hurting here so much. i need some new words to hold onto. it has been a while since something touched my soul.

i am on the last embroidery work for this quilt. i will be putting the back together, then putting the quilt together in the frame to quilt it. i am feeling a little lighter about this work. it has been long and arduous, but i am proud of each stitch. hundreds of thousands of stitches of embroidery in this quilt. i will post photos of the work at some other point in time.

the holidays are coming. it means more hours at work. i am guaranteed 39 each week. i need the money. i am not going anywhere nor is anyone coming over. just work and work and cuddle with my dogs and try to find rest in sleep.

i cracked the bone in my right heel. it just split right up the inside of my heel. there is a big bulge there now. maybe in April 2012 after i get on health insurance at work i can have it "repaired." i have no idea what that will entail but it cannot entail me having any time off work or i cannot have that done. i am in a great deal of physical pain. it burns and throbs with every step i take, and when i am sitting down, too. standing at the register is a nightmare. i became nauseous today with the pain, and i was so proud of myself. no one knew.

i am still here. i have not quit. i am just treading water; no longer swimming at this time. maybe after the holidays. maybe after i get my foot fixed. maybe, maybe, maybe........

"But there is suffering in life,
and there are defeats.
No one can avoid them.
But it's better to lose some of the battles
in the struggles for your dreams
than to be defeated without ever knowing
what you're fighting for." ~ Paulo Coelho

i am fighting to survive.

i no longer think about having a "life." i no longer dream. i just want to survive until my continued existence is no longer required. all i want is to eventually come across a period of time in my life when nothing goes wrong and i feel more or less okay. that is what i am fighting for these days.

maybe my outlook will improve once i get a handle on coping with the pain of my cracked foot. it really is a bitch.

anyway, i am still out here writing to whomever is reading/listening. i am still here and i am not giving up.