how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Thursday, November 13, 2014


it has been 5 years 9 months. 

i am doing okay.  i still stress about work, money.  even though i have improved my living situation, {i love my Sanctuary} i have lingering fears that bad things will happen.  it's a sickness that i struggle with daily.  i'm working on it.

i miss him and i think of him.  not constantly but every day.  i wonder where he is ~ really.  i wonder how he feels, what he's doing, if anything.  all the stories and movies in the world cannot tell you what being gone from this life is truly like.

only when we ourselves pass will we know.  enlightenment.  finally finding out.

will he be there waiting for me?  will God be there and ........ will He accept me as i am?

enlightenment.  scary stuff.

because when it is my time to go, i cannot say "let me stay a little longer."

because when i go, i'll finally know.

and once you know, you cannot un-know it.

i'm hurting inside.  i guess you can tell.