how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Friday, February 25, 2011

Bunny is still here.

is drained, physically exhausted these days. so many sleepless nights of late. so many crazy, bad dreams when she does sleep. there is a living, breathing ache inside her right now that she doesn't know how to conquer. her Dragon is on her mind all the time. she just puts one foot in front of the other and keeps on going. she misses him so much that she does not know if she is normal anymore, if what she is feeling here at 2 years and a week or so can be considered the normal ravages of grief. oh, my Lordy Lord she wants her Dragon here with her.

but like in the movie, Papillion, she keeps going and tells people who do not like her or her life, and she tells her grief, "i'm still here, you bastards."

so here is the Bun at work. a little image "felt board" visual of her life at work.

the Bun stuffing her purse and her huge Tank of Tea in her locker. she has brought a pretty piece of embroidery work she has done to show her co-workers.
Bunny clocking in, perky and ready for her store's guests.
Bunny giving a pep talk to the other bunnies before they go out on the floor to hopefully be adopted and taken to new homes.
Bunny taking a break in the back. she is showing off her moonie moon moon embroidery work to
Lot's-O-Huggin' Bear, a random toy who stays in the back room.
Bunny goes back to her apartment after work and gets to work on her commission work. she is so very busy. so very sad though. Lordy, Lord Lord, she misses her Dragon. maybe if he could just fly by one night as she lays there restless in bed and put a soft little kiss on her fevered brow.

just a little peck ~ soft ~ like angel's wings.

Dragon's wings.

"i miss you, my Darling, my Darling,
with it's yearning my very heart aches.
the load that divides us weighs harder.
i shrink from the jar that it makes.
old sorrows rise up to beset me.
old doubts make my spirit their own.
oh, come through the darkness and save me,
for i am alone."

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

the forgotten, sunset-loving Bunny

Bunny wasn't going to write at all today. she had planned on having a really nice day. it was her day off from the store. she had made a really good stew the night before. leftovers! she was going to have lunch with her daughter at her apartment. just a nice lunch of stew and talk. Bunny has not seen her daughter much since Bunny got her car.

but first Bunny had an appointment with someone. Bunny drove in the bright morning sun with the windows down. birds were chirping. Bunny had made notes. she had wanted to talk about something critically important in her grief journey. so important. she has been waiting for days for this appointment.

Bunny got there. she waited 10 minutes. 15 minutes. the person Bunny was to see was a no-show. the other person in the office called her. yes, she had forgotten Bunny. so sorry. very human thing to do. next week then at a time Bunny does not like, but what is a Bun to do. that's right. hang her fuzzy head in embarrassment and say, "no, that's fine. not a problem."

but it is a problem for Bunny. it really is. but how does Bunny say anything about it? Bunny really is not that important.

Bunny, of course, understands. people forget things all the time. still, it hurt deeply. Bunny started crying. hot embarrassed tears started to flow and all Bunny wanted to do was hide her little face in shame. it is silly to cry over being forgotten. it is not like Bunny is important or anything. she is just a silly stuffed animal maker and an artist.
she is just an older, scruffy Bunny who works hard all day every day. her fuzzy face is showing her age. her sleepless, sorrowful eyes still shine with unshed tears.
Bunny is just a little Bun that will never leave a big footprint. few will know she ever came by. a few she could name will be glad when she stops breathing air. but that's something she is supposed to breathe through and let go of. easy to say. hard to do.

maybe her artwork will hold up through time. maybe not. Bunny will be long gone and will put her back to this life that has not been so gracious.

"one loves the sunset when one is so sad." ~ from Saint-Exupery's The Little Prince.
Bunny stares at the sunset today and feels the pull to write out to the universe that she has had her feelings hurt today. she is so easily wounded now that her Dragon has passed from their life together. she pines for him so, much more than before, she thinks. she hurts so much. psssst. that was the very important stuff she desperately needed to talk about today; about how much she is hurting still. hurting so badly.

*sigh* ah, well, it is not an important issue to the world. just a sad Bunny Bun Bun missing her lovely, strong, eloquent Dragon.

he loves country music. did you listen to the first song? Bunny found it and put it at the top of her playlist in honor of her Dragon's appreciation of Garth Brooks's music.

Bunny, herself, is a Sarah MacLachlin fan.

"i feel just like i'm sinking
and i claw for solid ground
i'm pulled down by the undertow
i never thought i could feel so low
oh, darkness, i feel like letting go."

yeah, darkness, being pulled down, clawing for solid ground, and Bunny feeling like she should just let go. of all the appointments for that woman to miss, Bunny's was not a good one to forget. forgettable Bunny.

cellophane Bunny. she looks out at a world feeling ashamed at her longing to be noticed, of her wish to find a Marlene Dietrich friend she feels at ease to call at 4 AM, at simply not being the one forgotten.
but Bunny has the memory, only the memory, of a Dragon who did not forget her. he loved her. loves her. spirits having a human experience. so he loves her. Dragon loves Bunny.

she needs to close her eyes before looking out her window, then open them to see only her Dragon out there waiting for her. do not look at the world as it is. look at what was, and what will be again.

then she'll be a Bunny who will always be with her Dragon and she will never be forgotten again. she will be with the one who loves her and will keep her within the embrace of his magnificent arms.

until then, scruffy, tired, lonely, forgotten Bunny is going back out to the balcony to watch the sun set.

Friday, February 18, 2011

Dragon, dear, my dear, sweet Dragon.....

i desperately wish that you hadn't died.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

the unanswerable

i have been meeting and talking to the Matriarch of Grief and Joy as often as my work schedule allows. trying for once a week, but sometimes it is only once a month. still i am blessed to have the opportunity to talk to her.

i brought it up. i was crying, admitting to missing him. i told her he was wonderful. i listed his qualities: handsome, intelligent, irreverent, kind, sexy, funny, generous, intuitive, ah, we all have the same list. i told her i have not been sleeping. so little sleep these last couple of months. Christmas, New Years, the pneumonia, my birthday, then the 2 year milestone and his funeral anniversary aka Valentine's Day. i am exhausted.
see me above, eyes wide open. so very tired yet sleep eludes me.

the full moon is tomorrow night. my eyes are always on the night sky. and all of it is sitting on my chest. all of it. and so i brought it up at my session. i heard myself say what i knew she would have no answer to.
where is he? will i see him again? does he think about me? what's going to happen to me after i die? will he be waiting? oh, where is he?

i am not asking it as a question of faith even though it really is. i want him back. or i simply want to know if i will see him again. now people will tell me, "of course you will." but we do not know. we will not know until we take that last breath.

i remember his.

i miss him. i miss his smell. i miss his voice. i miss the feeling of him being in the room. i am feeling the weight of his absence. i am feeling down, both emotionally and physically. my only real fun is Bunny. she keeps me entertained. she keeps me feeling creative.

and being creative is all i have, all i am. it defines me.

"womanNshadows? do you know her?"
"yeah, she's the creative one. she writes. she takes pictures. and she sews."

Bunny has her own projects. she has sent off her clone, the Traveling Ambassador. we both keep up with where she is in the world.

her new project is her Great Sparkly Moon Book Project. cleaning out a closet, she found a journal i have not written in yet. she came sashaying in and told me she wanted the book for her moon photos. the "gallery" of moon photos on the wall is getting a little out of hand. they keep reminding us of the passing of time. so we have taken the photos down and gotten others printed at the 6 cent Tuesday at Wolf Camera. now all she has to do is put them in order and put them in their sticky photo corners and put them in the sparkly book.
then she will write in the book all her own private thoughts and poetry. the cover of the book is beaded with stars and the sun and a moon, hence the name of her project: Great Sparkly Moon Book. {like Bunny really needs another project.}

and while she quietly puts photos in sticky photo corners, and then puts them in the pages of the book, we will both be thinking of the unanswerable questions that plague us both.

where is he really? is he happy? is he safe? does he still think of me? will i see him again? will he be waiting for me?

it comes and goes, these questions. most of the time i can ignore my more philosophical side, my deeper thoughts, these unanswerable questions. but there are nights, like when a full moon is near.........

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Ambassador Bunny on the move

Ambassador Bunny will be on the move tomorrow. i am told she had a lovely visit with Suddenwidow and will be on her way to see Boo.

Bunny got to see snow for the first time. she hung out with Suddenwidow and her sons and listened to them talk about their husband / father.
her is a photo of Bunny beside a beautiful photo of Suddenwidow's handsome hubby.
this is all we are going to say; leaving it for Suddenwidow to write about if she chooses to. but we just wanted to let everyone know that the next person on the list, Boo, should be expecting Bunny.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

14 February 2011 // SSSF's gift of a book

tomorrow is Valentine's Day. there will be gifts or the memory of gifts. there will be affection and passion and romance, or the memory of such things.

it will be all those things for me and one more thing. it is the anniversary of my Dragon's funeral. bad family things happened at his funeral that i have not surrendered to the universe. i am working through it, but just not quite there yet. no one to forgive because no one has asked.

i thankfully work tomorrow. i hope the day is as busy as Saturday was. i hope today is crammed with people so i am focused on the here and now.

but ever present in my mind is him. my strong, magnificent, beautiful Dragon. such a man.
none will compare. i feel no connection with anyone. i have no interest in sex or romance, or passion. i had so much overwhelming, heavenly, incredible sex, romance, and passion with him that, well, his scent is all i want. his touch, his voice, his love.

i am reading the most wonderful book anyone has ever clued me into since my Dragon's death. thank you SSSF. Madeleine L'Engle. "Walking on Water Reflections on Faith and Art." i love this book.

"in our sleep, pain that cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart and in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom through the awful grace of God." ~ Aeschylus

i love you, my handsome, lovely Dragon. i miss you. you are my sunlight, the stars in my sky, my happiness, my breathe, my life. and now you are my moon. happy Valentine's Day. you are my heart.

Friday, February 11, 2011


2 years hit like the ACME safe from a Warner Bros. cartoon only the door did not open and i did not come comically stumbling out. it hit and it hit hard. and i am just existing.

it is a word i use deliberately. i feel like i am only existing. i am jumping through the hoops. i have no interest in life though i do everything everyone expects of me. work is performance art. i am "on" when i walk into the store. i pay my bills the day i get them. i do not buy anything extra. no luxuries. well, i got a haircut and she gave me the mousse/gel stuff. i don't know how to use it. i suck at being feminine. i bought sunglasses for Bunny. she needs the UV protection for her soft brown eyes while we drive to and from work.
but i miss him. with every breath, every sigh, every tear, i miss him. i ache for him. since Brick died, it's like my Dragon died all over again. no more stories. and that makes me a selfish witch. i mourn for Brick. but am i mourning him, or the loss of the stories he shared with me? i feel awful. i don't know. i never met him. his death has made me miss my Dragon even more. i look at my photos of him and pine.
i miss our home. i miss our town. i miss our walks. i miss being outside like we were. my hair a mess of tangles. my skin ruddy from the cold and wind. collecting rocks and shells and all the photos i took of him.

it can bring me to my knees. i put my head down on the desk and sob for what i can never have again. him. Rockport. home. ocean. rocks. him. home. him.
i am grieving. i am in mourning for my lost love. lost love. is he really lost? or am i lost? i am hurting so much. 2 years. 2 short/long years.
my only whimsy is Bunny. the Bun. my alter ego who understands the way of the world so much. she is the Oracle at Delphi. she is the go to girl for all the answers. and her silence is the answer because she knows, omnipotent Bunny, that there is no answer. it is what it is. it's life.
she is quite the Bun. she is a fashionista. she is a good listener. she keeps her moon necklace close and her thoughts even closer. her lips are sealed. all secrets are safe with Bunny.

if i had not come up with Bunny to stand in and stand up for me, i do not know what i would be doing to keep my sanity. or maybe i am insane and Bunny are these voices inside my head all in one cute, fuzzy package.

i miss him. i long for him. i am empty without him.

so is Bunny.

Monday, February 7, 2011

730 aka 2 years

because by tomorrow, it will be too hard to write........

"i didn't hear you leave.
i wonder how am i still here.
and i don't want to move a thing.
it might change my memory.

oh, i am what i am.
i do what i want,
but i can't hide.

and i won't go.
i won't sleep.
i can't breathe
until you're resting here with me.

i don't want to call my friends
for they might wake me from this dream
and i can't leave this bed
risk forgetting all that's been......."
i still see him sometimes. it is more of a pretense than any real feeling that i have caught a glimpse of him. when i am stressed or upset, or scared, i pretend he is close by. i imagine that he is near and all i have to do is say his name.

how can it be 2 years? how have i live through 730 days and nights without him? how am i going to survive another 730, or another 365, or simply another day?

the same way i have been. if i wake up, i get up. i take care of my little dogs. i keep up with my adult children. i go to work. i come back and work here. then i go to bed. i pray for him at least twice a day. i think about the little things i need to do to keep going. i do not falter so much as just collapse sometimes from being so tired. the pneumonia this time around really took a lot out of me. i still have a little bit of a dry cough that i keep up with. when i do die, i do not want anyone to say that i did not "live," that i did not try to do things or take care of myself. i am living. i am just not living with as much enthusiasm as i did when he was with me.

i used to worry that i would die before my children became independent adults, that i would leave them with their father. now that my Dragon and i got them all grown up, and now that he has died, i do not worry so much about death except for becoming ill and lingering, costing money. i do not want to be a burden.

i have always predicted and yet, never thought that my life would end like this for me. throughout a childhood of not being loved and then through a first marriage of not being loved, i always thought i would end up alone. but then i met him and i was loved. and for the first time in my life, i was allowed to love someone ~ openly love a person.

he is so easy to love. such a warm man, so much gentleness in him. raw power, earthiness, passion, all the things that excite me. he has such an irreverent sense of humor and an intelligence that challenges me. he is handsome, adorable. his soul is a match to mine. his body is a match to mine. his mind is a match to mine. two perfectly fitting puzzle pieces that joined together to show the picture of a couple whose spirits intermingled to such a degree that it is difficult to untangle us. and yet, somehow, it happened.

what he saw in me is beyond me, especially since things have gone back to the way it was before. i have had more than a few people here treat me like i was treated before i met him. i am a "non-person" to some. to them i am apparently incapable of emotions, or they do not matter. so what he saw in me to love, to keep close to him, to cherish as he did, i cannot fathom. but i am grateful to have had it. when he was alive, i would look at him and think, "i love him so much and he loves me. me! i am with him which means i am not alone anymore. i will not die alone. he sees something in me worth loving, worth staying with."

but he died first and now i am alone with only the memories of what was and what we dreamed of for ourselves, but at least i have those memories of him to add to my ruminations. now i can add the secret knowledge that i was loved even if no one understands how or why.

one of the women i work with asked me how it feels to have finally gotten my chance at love only to watch it be taken away. she asked this sincerely, with wonder and wishing for some knowledge she seems to think i possess. she says she does not love her husband as i love my Dragon and for me to lose him after so short a time together, what do i think about it? how do i feel?

all i could think to say was that he was like a shooting star. he burned so hot and shot across my life so fast. i was in awe of him. i desired him so much. i was allowed the privilege to hang on to him for as long as i could, but his journey had to continue on to a place i cannot go. at least not yet.
she cried. i do not know if it was for me or for herself; that she does not have that connection to her husband to be able to feel that deeply about him. either way, she has a deeper understanding of me and who i am, and why i can connect to our guests in the store as i do. now they all understand how i can so quickly get someone to impart their life story while i stuff a bear or tiger, or bunny; then create a "Heart Ceremony" specifically for their life.

i do not know what is to become of me. i am meekly surviving. i am being creative. i get to make quilts and embroider things like jeans for little girls and Bunnies. i get to think of him and dream of him. i get to remember him and all the things he did for me, gave me, helped me become. he was trying to set me free from all the demons of my past. he wanted me to be able to fly.

i cannot fly, but i can drive now. it means freedom for me. i have named my car Midnight. it is black so that makes it easy. also that is about the time he died, well, 3 minutes after. midnight came and my life changed forever. during the nighttime, when my nightmares slither and snarl close to the surface, he had to leave me. on the night of a full moon, he was called away.

but when i dream of him, he is always in the light. he is always out walking with me, holding my hand, laughing with me, teasing me, smiling at me.
i was loved. only someone who has been treated as i have been all my life can understand the significance of those 3 words. I Was Loved. he held me. he smiled at me. he kissed me. he wrapped his arms around me and loved me.

oh, please, help me. i love him. i miss him. this is a heartbreak that either will not let go of me or i cannot let go of. he is the only one for me. it is not that i cannot love again. it is that i do not want to. no one can compare to this man, this Dragon with the giant spirit that lived inside him and is now freed from his body, and from me. how i can risk being fooled by another Voldemort? over half a century of abuse from people i trusted, people who were supposed to love me, or promised they did. broken promises. out right lies. such betrayal. and then to find my Dragon. to be given such a short time with joy. so little time with any real peace and security. not enough time to explore the love we shared and still do.

i sometimes feel like i am breaking apart. little pieces are falling off me and drifting away on an unfeeling wind, like the ash that is all i have left of him. i was burned up with him in the crematorium. the terrible thing is i still need him. i always needed him more than i thought he needed me though he loved to debate me about that. i never wanted to know a moment of time without him and yet, here i stand staring at the number 2 on my metaphorical cake. or 730. and i am staring down the barrel of however many more years i have been blessed with/cursed to have to live without him. and i still need him. do you hear me? whoever is listening up there/out there; i still need him. i still love him. i still want him. does this make you cry as much as it does me?

he is so handsome. he is so strong. he is so necessary to my happiness, to my mind, to my body, to my heart. thank God i gave him my heart to take with him. it feels right to have no heart anymore. i still do have my spirit and that is what i use to warm myself, my daughter and son, my little dogs, anyone who needs my words or my way with a needle and thread. i call upon my paltry, little spirit. but i really wish he were here with me.

i do not feel like i am where i belong. i am driving now but the whole world is different. i feel out-of-place. i am not driving to meet him. i am not going anywhere that he is. i wish i could wake up from this dream but then i see that i am already awake and then i am wishing i were dreaming so i can be with him.

he is my peace of mind therefore i am not at peace.

i have seen other widows' photos and writings of the memorials they have given their husbands. plaques and benches and large rock gardens. they are all so beautiful. there are photos of a great many friends and other family members who gather to commemorate a wonderful life. they console each other and share stories. i wish i could do that for my Dragon. i wish i could gather people beside the ocean and build a standing stone garden; balance rocks on top of each other into sentinels by the water's edge and then have one large one with his name carved into it. my Dragon, carved in stone for all time.

i wish i could tell you the stories that made up his life. i wish i could tell you what he did when he was away on a mission. he lived a life in the shadows but always dreamed of the light. he wanted absolution for the "sins", he called them, that were committed in the name of God and country and patriotism. he did dangerous work for very low pay and always knew no one could ever know. he knew his life's work would forever remain a secret, but he did tell me some things. he was careful. he chose his words so that even i do not know everything, but i know what spending that time in the darkness cost him. i know he had his moments when he dreamed that his sacrifices would be allowed to be known, that he would get credit for what he did. and when the job ended, when he came back from his last mission and the bullets stopped flying, he told me that at least i knew him. he said, "you know what i did and why i did it. you know what it cost me. that's more than i ever thought i'd get. i love you for taking on the burden of my life. i love you. i feel safe with you."

so i cannot ever tell you what he did. i cannot have a big memorial service for him. the few men he did know and trusted are either dead or retired to other places and must remain anonymous. no one would come. they would simply honor him by raising a drink, not to the sun, but to the darkness where they spent so much of their time. if i managed to get anyone else to come, i could only stand there and say, "he is my Dragon. he is a great man. and i miss him." such a short testimonial for a life i knew to be legendary. and my own stories of him? you never met him. it would simply be a story about a man you never knew.

and now, with Brick's death, i no longer have his stories about their times together. my friend has died; honorably, heroically, but still, he has been taken away from this world and it has wounded me. i never met the man. we talked on the phone. he had a sixth sense about calling me. "i just read your blog" or "you sound down on Facebook, talk to me. what's going on?" then he would say, "want to hear a story?" he was kind. he honored my Dragon by checking up on me, never being flirty, always respectful. he maintained the boundary of "widow of my brother." he was my friend and i am better for having gotten to know him as i had, and the world is less for his death. he was killed in a fire fight with Somali pirates and i was told his death was instantaneous. a blessing. like my Dragon, Brick was not the kind of man to probably do well lingering. i pray he closed his eyes for the last time here and opened them with my Dragon reaching out a hand to him.

730 days and nights without my Dragon. i honestly do not know how i am doing it. how am i breathing? how am i laughing? having Bunny as my alter ego and taking her photograph amuses me. making bunnies and bears and tigers at work helps. sewing quilts for others helps a great deal. i can do something unique that i have really not seen very many other places. i have a little bit of a purpose.

730 days and nights.

i cling to two things, two signs that i do not know if they are signs from him or i simply want them to be. one was a radio that never played, that was not even plugged in, popping on at 12:03 AM exactly 24 hours after my Dragon died. it was playing the chorus from Sarah McLachlin's "Angel." "in the arms of the angel far away from here......" at first it terrified my children and i. it broke me down. it was the first time since i was told they could not save him, that he had died, that i sobbed uncontrollably. now i do not know if i should look to it for comfort. i do not know what to do about it, and yet, i cling to it because it was so mysterious.

the other sign was when my daughter and i were driving the U-Haul across the state line into the state i now live in. i was teary. i was saying, "he won't know where i am." my daughter was trying to comfort me saying, "mom, if anyone can find you, it's {Dragon}. he loves you. he'll find you." we were quiet for a moment and then she gasped. she pointed to the sky and there was a heart cloud. a perfect heart cloud floating over the mountains. she said, "see, i told you he knows where you are. you haven't lost him. he's with you. he'll be with you always."

have i mentioned that i was his shadow and he was mine?
i can no more imagine my life without him here beside me than you can conceive of a quiet little girl absolutely terrified of her mother, yet both those things have happened. both those things are true.

i hurt so much some times i pretend he is simply away on a mission and will come back to me soon. it is a bold faced lie that i tell myself to try and quiet my aching soul, much like a child telling herself after a severe punishment, "mommy loves me." i absolutely will myself to believe it. it helps that i believe i will see him again. one of the perks of having my car, Midnight, now is that i can return to Church. i can go every Sunday and, as some people have told me, "fill my head with that useless drivel that there is a God and He cares about you." there is one person in particular i would like to ask this of: how can you be so very angry at someone you do not believe is real?

730 days and nights without him and only more of the same to look forward to. but i live. i try to live well. i have recently made someone else angry with me by not being someone they wanted me to be or not being able to do something they wanted me to do. i do not know exactly what i have done wrong this time, but Christmas through Valentine's is a very bad time for me and i cannot, i no longer have the strength or energy to knock myself out anymore. i need to try to keep myself healthy so i can keep working both jobs. i need to make ends meet. i need to survive.

i still love him. i am still so very much in love with him. nothing has lessened those feelings. nothing has changed. i do see him, faults and all, and i love him. he is most definitely on a pedestal, but if you knew what i knew; if you had seen the artwork of scars on his body and watched me nurse him when he came back to me all shot up, you would not begrudge me my hero worship of him. he is my Dragon and i adore him.
this face. how can i go through another day not being able to walk over to him and kiss him?

my dearest Dragon, my heart, i think i will always remember you outdoors; the wind blowing, the gulls crying overhead, the sounds of the waves against the rock, and the awe in your face as you looked out at the majesty of the sanctuary that God has created by the ocean's edge. i will die loving you.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Ambassador Bunny is in.......

Canada! she arrived today. let us all keep our hearts and thoughts on Suddenwidow and her sons as they show Bunny around and talk to her, get some things off their chests.

as Bunny makes her way around the world, i will be putting up brief posts about where Bunny is so we can, for the time she is visiting there, keep that widow and her family in our thoughts. that's what it is all about. being there for each other. supporting each other when we falter. comforting each other when we actually fall down. i will also establish a link to that widow's blog is she has one so we can all keep up with each other after Bunny has been sent on her way to another hostess.

but right now, Canada and snow, and i think Bunny is watching a movie tonight with Suddenwidow and her sons.


and on the aside, if you could take a moment and send a quiet thank you to my friend Brick who has died. he was killed while on duty. he was very kind to me. he told me stories of my Dragon and kept me laughing when all i wanted to do was cry. he had a sixth sense about when to call. i pray he is with my Dragon.

death of a friend // end of an era

i just received word that my Dragon's friend, the man who commented here as Brick, was killed in a shoot out with Somalia pirates. i had not heard from him in about two weeks. this was why. he was my Dragon's spotter and trusted friend. Brick would call and email to check up on me. he would tell me stories of his time with my husband. he always said that it was "Dragon's job to do the job and that it was his job to cover his six and get him home to {me}."

home for Brick had been in the Seychelles. he was part of the patrols that went out to protect the ocean from the pirates that plagued those waters. he had protected citizens and tourists with the same honor and dignity that he had when he went out with my Dragon.

now he really is Home. he is up there/out there with my Dragon. i hope they have met up and are having a good time sharing stories. i think i will try to believe that Brick is sitting around with my Dragon, keeping him company while he waits for me.

i am deeply saddened by this news. with Brick's death comes the end of an era and no more stories of my Dragon.

silence reigns.