how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

prose poems

a visual image of me is a woman sitting in an open boat with her hands in her lap. grief has etched her face with lines her husband would be unable to recognize her through. she is willing to row, and row she does at times, but mostly she is drifting because her options have rendered her powerless to set a destination.

so she writes. and draws. and sews.

no matter how hard life becomes
no matter how lonely i get
i will not risk
changing any one thing
if it might change what i had with you
your name will forever be on my lips
memories of you are my crutch
i won't improve
my life one bit now
if it would alter my before with you.

the sorrow i feel is a gift
this grief is a blessing for me
it honors the us
the you and i
it is proof of the bond we shared.



i miss you
in the morning
i wake to
ineffable sadness
the new and enduring
constant.
i rise
in physical pain
from aging,
that feels harsher
without you.

i miss you
in the afternoon
when the length
of the day
stretches out
interminably
as the cruel sun
shines down
on my life
and my future
without you.
i miss you
in the evening
when the stars
shine coldly
on a Dragon-less world.
deepening shadows
cannot shroud the grief
etched on my face
as i endure the close
of another day
without you.

i miss you
in the night
when dreams of you,
or the lack thereof,
wake me to an
empty bed
and i become
intimate
with a longing
that can never be healed
without you.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Dearest Lady,

A public apology for a private crime. I read that in a book once. I am sorry for what I said to you. Your infrequent writing now both here and the other place kills me since I know how very alone you are. You have had no one to be a support to you through all these months. Your children are great but I know you protect them from much of your pain. You are pulling away into an isolation that you shouldn't be in. You're trying to protect yourself from the online community you had sought to have a link to the outside world, but who have hurt you. And now I am one of them. And I am sick over it. Please forget what I said. I am here for you to talk to. I would rather be just friends than be without you. Your writing is eloquent. Your art is important and incredible. You have so much to give to the world if only they, we, would stop to listen.

Semper Fi. Please know that I will always be here for you.
Brick

Suddenwidow said...

Beautiful poem. Thinking of you.

Judy said...

Beautiful words--as usual. You are so artistic in your writing--in all aspects of your creative life. You are such a beautiful woman.

womanNshadows said...

Brick, it's okay. i know you are there.

Suddenwidow and Judy, thank you both.

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