how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

"go glitter or go home"

Bunny was sneaky.   she hopped into her mom's backpack to go to work with her.

see, mom has been way down.  really down.
like so far down she cries all the time.
oh, no one at work knows.  but Bunny knows.
mom talks to Bunny.
so Bunny wanted to see what it was all about.
 Bunny saw.  oh, Lordy Lord Bunny saw what made her mom cry.
so Bunny did what she could to make her mom smile that day.
she jumped out of the backpack and yelled, "i love you, you crazy mom who talks to bunnies!"
mom was happy to see her.  it was like, almost like old times. 
Bunny at work with her mom.

Bunny pulled a funny.  she gathered up all the shoes that her mommy was having to damage out
and she tried them all on.
 Bunny says, "go glitter or go home."
and mommy smiled.
i miss him.  i'm really hurting and i need to talk to him.
so i do.
but it's not the same.

things are just whacked out at work.  i've got a girl who deliberately screws things up
and then does this Orwellian double-speak.  
i am having "the talk" with her on Friday.
i'm not being paid to be the manager.
i'm not being paid enough to be the assistant manager, but
i do my job, 
and the manager's job.
i hope someone's watching.
i hope something good happens sometime soon.
i'm trying to keep in mind what Bunny said.
"go glitter or go home."
keep a light heart.

i ordered the book "Heaven" that an anonymous commenter told me about.
i'm looking forward to reading it.
i got it off  used.  cost me $6 total.
i also ordered "The Way to Zen."
61 cents.
$4 total.
i love

i'm tired and i miss him.
i felt protected with him.
now i feel like a little boat lost at sea.
but not too far from shore.
i called my son today.
i told him everything.
he is sending me money for food.
he told me not to wait so long to call him;
that he's here for me,
like a "Special Trade."

i'm embarrassed to have had to ask.
i am grateful i have him.
i cried after i hung up the phone.
i cried that a "special trade" had to happen.
i cried that i do have him; and that he loves me so much.
"go glitter or go home."

i love you, Dragon.
i love you, my kind, generous, loving son.
i love you, my sweet, loyal daughter.
i promise you guys that i will keep my head up.
i promise not to give up.

"go glitter or go home."


Anonymous said...

Just read your post Bunny, and my heart breaks for you, because it's all so familiar to me. Same here, no money, have to ask daughters for a loan, and feel I have lost my "human shield" against the world, not that my husband has gone. Battling on, on all fronts, and the sheer bloody tiredness of it all. Hope the books help, nothing ever replaces the love and support of a partner, but thanks for sharing on this site, so that those of us "out here" who are also missing, and hurting our loved one, know we are not the only ones in the world going through this crap alone. From one soul sister to another I wish you better times, love and comfort. Take care, Sarah x

Anonymous said...

Sorry, just a quick "edit" to the above post, - am typing this bleary eyed at nearly two in the morning in England, and my typing is not the best. Just re read my post and it should read "now that my husband is gone", not "not that my husband is gone". God, am so knackered, and work tomorrow - part of the reason I sympathise with your last entry. The sheer bloody tiredness of it all, and missing my beloved husband so much, and thinking how sad he would be to see me and the kids suffering and missing him so much. All the best, Sarah.

Anonymous said...

Got the feeling we are a club, tired widows up and typing through the night!? Another one here, putting my hand up to the late night blues and the reminiscing. Sending love to us all. By the way, "Go Glitter or Go Home" is my new mantra for the month! Loved the pictures, hope bunny enjoyed his day out, and thanks for sharing with us. As above poster said, take care. x

abandonedsouls said...

both of you take care, too. weary widows that we are, we just have to keep going. try to find a way to keep your hearts light for a little while each day. love and peace to you.

Judy said...

I missed Fred so much yesterday--it took my breath away. I thought by now, I'd be over all that. Guess I will NEVER be over all that.

Anonymous said...

Sending love your way Bunny Mom. You are having to be very brave, and it's at times like these that you miss your man at your side so much, I know I've been there. You have raised a wonderful son and daughter, and so in them his love lives on. Hope the talk at work goes okay, and they buck their ideas up a bit, work colleagues can drive you nuts, but keep on in there Bunny Mom. Big hug from cyberspace, Maisy.

Anonymous said...

Happy to see your blog is still here, would miss it if it went. Think last month a lot of us who view you anonymously came out in support, to let you know you are a voice that is being heard, and listened to. Good to know you are here, hope good things coming your way soon.

abandonedsouls said...

thank you all for commenting in such a positive way. it's nice to know i am being heard. despite my moods, my being too sensitive at times, i am not ready to let go of this blog, or change myself, or how i write. i've had to alter who i was for so many years, for other people, {not my Dragon}, that i do not eve wish to alter who i am again.

i pray for peace and light for all who read and all who grieve.

Anonymous said...

Glad you not ready to let go of this blog, cos I'm not ready to stop logging in to see how you are doing. Hang on in there all of us, we will make it ... in our own good time, and at our own speed. Sometimes I think it needs to be said that bravery comes in many forms .. sometimes it is simply getting up in the morning, going out and facing the world. Well done to all of us widows, for just hanging in there and doing our darnest to survive. Proud of all of us.

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