how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Thursday, November 21, 2013

flashlight in the dark

i lay there and hope it's not real; that i'm not really awake again/still.
if i use the flashlight it will only be for a little while.
it's not for long.
i'm not getting up but i do have things on my mind that i need to get off my mind.
writing them down will help.

bad nights wear me out but they are productive.
when i do this the dogs move closer to me.  they cuddle.
first it's, "does she suddenly have a snack?"
then they know.
you can almost see it pass between them.
"you think she's cold?"
"yeah.  she's pretty miserable.  let's make a mommy sandwich."
so they deepen their cuddle.  i can feel their bodies squirm and twist as they snuggle down to get still closer to me.

he was always so warm.  i never wore socks to bed.  he would keep my feet between his legs.  or i would move my feet close and he would capture them to warm them.  he always knew.
and he burned so brightly.  he was always so warm to the touch.

Lord, i miss him.
i'd love to talk to him, have him embrace me and lend me some of his confidence, his bravado, that something-something that he had that kept him going on the worst days, his worst days when he was a Marine trying to survive and get home.
Lord, i really do miss him.

so under that soft light, i write what's on my mind.
a fantasy grocery list for a day when i have enough money to go.
things i need to take care of at work.
things i want to remember.
thoughts i have.
like this blog.
little notes to myself because i don't want to forget.
secret things that the cold light of day would diminish.

Christmas is coming.  i have worries.
busy time/stressful time for retail people.
worried about meeting the new higher rent that will start up on Jan. 1.

i wish things had turned out differently.  and i am glad certain things didn't.
but writing them down on a scrap of paper lit by a flashlight in the dark seems to make them more manageable.  it makes it seem like maybe i'm coming up with a plan to deal with them.
like maybe, just maybe, by some form of Grace, i might survive this.


Judy said...

I sometimes get my best thoughts, late at night in bed, and too have a pad of paper nearby on my bedside table to write them down the morning I cannot remember a thing I wanted to remember. Love that your Sweet Wootoms are so cognizant of your feelings!!

Brad Ahrens said...

it' nice to see that Dragon's still exist. I am my wife's Dragon, she passed away in my arms Sept 5. I travel the winds of time until she lays next to me.

Anonymous said...

Happy Christmas Bunny and all who read your beautiful posts. I come here often, to a little place in the world where someone else has trodden this path. Three years this Christmas. I hope that life will be kinder soon for you, and your lovely grandchild who will bring so much joy in the New Year. Best to you all, Sarah x

Cathy said...

Wishing you a little more peace and light this time of year too.

Anonymous said...

Just read above posts - sending love to those you have lost Dragons. I lost my Wolf - lone Wolf - in my arms December 2010, and said then "I will find you and love you all over again" when I lost him. Love the above comment re travelling the winds of time .... they travel with us embedded in our hearts. Love to us all who remember ....xx

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