how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

six years, eight months

i am no longer new to grief.  there is no way anyone would give me the consideration of the grieving widow.  it has been too long.
and yet.
i am, in my way, very quietly grieving, still.

i have found my footing.  i work.  i support myself.  i have even fought for myself in abstract ways; in the "hey, i am standing here" kind of way.

i have not "moved on" as it is called.  i am not seeking companionship.  i do not want to date.  i have not taken off my wedding rings.

but i do feel stronger in my loneliness.  it doesn't bother me anymore to be so alone so much of the time.

today, my boss was looking at what we have left of our vacation time.  i spent 4 days of my two week vacation time allotted with my son and it was wonderful.  i do have time left. 

"are you going anywhere else?"

i had to laugh.  where am i going to go?  i do not have friends.  i do not any money to travel anywhere even if it were by myself.  i told her, "put me in for where i can have a day here and there off."

and i will just stay at home.  i will sew.  i will walk my dogs and take photos of the world close by my Sanctuary.  i will read and take naps and paint.  i will dream and plan for things i will never do or go to or see.

but i live a very wonderful, inspiring, decadent life inside my imagination.

and i am content.  i am relatively safe.  i am paying down a small debt.  i am taking care of myself.

and i think of him.  my Dragon.  i love him.  i miss him.  i'd love to hear his voice.  i'd love to talk to him.  i'd love to spend another day with him.

but i want him to be happy wherever he is.  i don't want him looking back, so i don't address him directly.  i talk to God.  i talk to my dogs.

six years, eight months of being without him.

time flies even when you're not having fun.

1 comments:

Judy said...

I have no place I'd like to go for a vacation and no money to do it and no desire to go alone. The "day off" here and there would appeal to me too. Why do widows think that "moving on" requires a new man? My moving on has been the first time in my life I have lived alone. Learning ways to take care of myself and finding strengths I never knew I had. I am quite proud of myself actually and find it quite comfortable to only have to worry about me and my cats. Perhaps I am selfish? But after 70 years of always having to think of someone else, parents, husband, children,; now I can relax and spend a whole day sitting and crocheting if I want. Yes--I kind of like it.

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