how did i get here?

my husband, my beautiful Dragon, died suddenly at 12:03 AM on 9 February 2009. there was a cold, lovely full moon and 3 feet of snow on the ground. i "slept" for the following 10 months and "woke" to the physical and emotional pain and torments of deep grief. i "woke" to find i had moved the day of his funeral and that i am lost. i am looking for me while i figure out the abstract, unanswerable questions that follow behind any death. my art has evolved. his death changed that as well because i am forever changed and will forever bear the mark of losing the only man i can ever love.
there is alive and there is dead and there is a place in between. i am here wholly in my heart for my children, but i feel empty inside at this time. i miss him. i have not gotten very far in my grief journey. i make no apologies for this.
this is my place, my blog, where i write to tell the universe that i am still here.

Monday, December 7, 2015

"it's coming on Christmas.."

"i wish i had a river i could skate away on...."

i watched a Christmas movie on the Hallmark channel.  a widow was told to "move on."  her husband had been dead for 3 years. 

it's been 6 and a half for me. 

i've seen widows and widowers all around me move on.  i haven't.

my landlady moved on after one year.  her boyfriend sleeps over 3 nights a week.  she stays very busy with all her friends, too.  out to dinner 2 - 3 times a week with them above and beyond her boyfriend.  she doesn't understand my ability to be spend my free time alone as i do.

it sort of irritates her.  she makes fun of me a little bit but it is a cutting wit; very sharp and at times derogatory.

it stings because she is my landlady but i just deeply inhale and breathe through it.

i miss him.  my Dragon.  i wish i could talk to him.  i wish he could hold my hand again.

i wish he were here for one more Christmas. 

i wish i could stop getting teary when i'm alone but it is just that time of year.

"it's coming on Christmas."  families are embracing their loved ones, making plans.  my son will be spending it with his girlfriend's family.  my daughter and grandson will be spending it with her mother-in-law up in the mountains of this state.

she is upset but she has to go. it is the best decision for her to keep peace on that side of the family.  i am, of course, "invited," but the set up of it being so far away keeps me from going, and her mother-in-law knows this.

i keep telling myself i will be fine; that i won't be lonely on Christmas Day. 

i tell myself a lot of things to get myself through the rough times.

mostly i tell myself, "this too shall pass."

Merry Christmas to all. 

peace to all who read.
peace and light to all who grieve.


Judy said...

I was alone on Thanksgiving Day and I will be alone on Christmas Day. It's okay--there will be other days spent with the kids. I think you've moved on just fine. Why do people think "moving on" means getting another man in our life? The thought of another man touching me, creeps me out! We aren't spending days, hiding under the covers, making ourselves sick with grief and tears. We are doing just fine and living our lives the way WE want. Not a thing wrong with that. Sure we will be lonely, but it's only because it's a Holiday that makes us feel that way. We'll be fine!

Anonymous said...

Judy & Susan, I understand. Alone doesn't mean lonely!! Wishing you all peace & contentment for the holiday.

Jude Harzer said...

Your words are heartfelt and your writing authentic. I happened upon your site as I am a visual artist who is working on an upcoming exhibit about love lost, grief and mourning. I am speaking not only of the loss of a spouse although my most recent experiences have been with one of my dearest friend's losing her husband, in his 50's, to cancer, after just one year of marriage and my sister, losing her husband , her college sweetheart, at just 51 . There are many others but as you so eloquently state, there is a persistent loneliness and void, despite time. I am glad to have read your words. I wish you peace in your heart and your mind. May you continue to honor the memory of your husband but care for your self. I believe our passed love one's would want that for those left behind. Be kind to yourself this holiday season. Thank you for your thoughts and words. Best, Jude <3

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